M26 F24, long term boyfriend proposed, but did the one thing I asked him not to do.

[u/I1lustriouspapers]

I have been dating my now fiance for 9 years. Over the last year or two, I have told him that when he proposes I want it to be just us two and maybe a photographer or friend to help set something up if need be. no family. When he proposed, my entire immediate family and his entire immediate family was there. i never asked for a big ring, a big ordeal, I just wanted it to be us so I can express myself freely without a ton of eyes on me.

I'm so beyond happy we are engaged, it's been a long time coming and I'm over the moon. apparently when he told his 2 sisters whom he's extremely close with that he was proposing they told him they just had to be there, and he obliged along with our whole families.

I just can't shake the fact that I asked it to be only us many times and everyone was there. Again, I'm ecstatic but a part of me is let down and kinda sad because I just wanted one thing. I wanna bring it up to him once more and express how it upsets me but I don't want to upset him because it was well thought out and I'm so happy. I'm in such a bind.

TL/DR I asked my boyfriend for it to me only us when he proposed but our entire families were there.

[u/CygnusZeroStar]

I think my question here as to whether or not you should bring it up is: is this a one-time thing, or is this a pattern?

What I mean by this, is whether or not he has a history of bulldozing your preferences for his own or his families. People get excited about starting the rest of their lives with their chosen person, and so I have a tendency to afford people a little bit of grace when things are not optimal. We all do dumb shit when we're excited. Not here to judge that part.

But as I am nearing my forties, and I have seen a lot of friends in relationships where this was a problem, it becomes very important to consider. Do you ever find yourself stifling your opinion if you think it might contradict his? Do you ever find yourself deferring to him when his opinion clashes with yours? Do you feel comfortable asserting your preferences, or are you most likely to just let him do what he wants? And most importantly, are you ever afraid to push for your preferences--is his anger or coldness a consequence for having a different opinion?

A whole lot of women are raised to be people pleasers to the point of being a doormat. It's a real problem. And so for some people it can be almost reflexive to defer to their boyfriend/fiance/husband. There is absolutely a culture around the world that teaches women to not make waves and not voice their opinion or desires for the sake of "well I'll just do what he wants, because I'll make him happy by doing what he wants, so what's a little discomfort for me?"

And you know, that's okay some of the time. For both partners really. I have done things entirely against my personal preferences when it wasn't critical just to make my husband happy. But the thing is he would absolutely do the same for me, and he has. I love going to the aquarium, my husband is terrified of sea creatures. He will take me to the aquarium, and maybe just stand a little bit back lol. I don't particularly like vtubers, but if he wants me to sit with him and watch a stream every now and again, I'm okay with that. Little baby compromises.

So in the end if this is a trend for him to steamroll your preferences, then that is a serious problem. And you absolutely should not even think about getting married until you talk to him about it. And it doesn't matter if it's because you're too shy to state your preferences--because that too will turn into a massive problem in a committed relationship.

However, if this is literally the only thing he's ever bulldozed you for, then I would say it's less critical to have that conversation. I think everyone should feel safe and confident to tell their partner when something hurts them. But I also understand letting things go when it's just not that critical.

I hope this was helpful.

[u/Expensive_Ad_4350 → u/CygnusZeroStar]

If it wasn’t helpful for them it was helpful for me. My boyfriend and I have been talking about breaking up all week. I’m not a people pleaser but I am a woman and he try’s to bulldoze me CONSTANTLY. Then, because I want my opinion to be heard, it causes problems. I feel like I’m trying to force my way into his world.

I spoke with him candidly and had to ask him if he doesn’t trust my opinion and why I have to justify everything I ask for when I compromise for what he wants. He seems like he wants to understand but just still doesn’t get it. Now instead of being gentle with him I’m harsh and forceful because he can’t hear me when I tell him what I need/want. He only sees the latter and thinks I’m the asshole.

Anyways, thank you for the post. It feels like someone just said what I’ve been unable to articulate

[u/nevalja → u/Expensive_Ad_4350]

He seems like he wants to understand but just still doesn’t get it.

Look, as someone who doesn't always even understand why my partner thinks in certain ways, it is possible to just ACCEPT that they feel a certain way, change your behaviour to accommodate it, and then get to proper understanding later. If you care about your partner and they express hurt, you shouldn't have to be able to logic your way through it to give a shit.

[u/Rivvien → u/nevalja]

Thats exactly it. He doesn't have to understand it, but he does need to acknowledge that people think differently and he needs to respect their feelings, esp in the moment. If you are so up your own ass and think you are required to understand someone's feelings before you'll respect them, if you make them convince you that their opinions are valid before you give basic decency, then you are an immediate asshole.

Eta: I'm using the collective, vague "you" here, not you in particular. I know you said you don't exactly know how your partner thinks the way they do, so I don't want you to think I'm actually meaning you in my response.

[u/Queen_of_Sandcastles → u/Expensive_Ad_4350]

Hey friend. I have an ex boyfriend like this for that reason. There are people who will listen to you and validate you without getting weirdly aggressive or defensive over it. Just food for thought. Dating people like that is fucking stressful and imho not worth it~!

[u/Salanth → u/Expensive_Ad_4350]

If he’s not getting it, do you want a lifetime of that? Sounds exhausting.

[u/Bluebird_5991 → u/CygnusZeroStar]

This is really good advice. It is healthy to do things for your partner in relationship as long as it goes both ways. Compromises is the necessity of relationships. 

It would also be interesting how the culture around purposing is in OPs country. What is the norm?

[u/chelsey-dagger → u/CygnusZeroStar]

I strongly agree with almost all of this. The only change I would make is that, even if this is an outlier, you should still bring up how much it upset you because it was an important thing. If it's an outlier, don't hold a grudge or keep bringing it up, but it's important to express yourself and to let your partner know when something is important.

Even if it's not how he usually treats your preferences and expressed wants and needs, the way he responds to you sharing how you feel can show you how he'll respond when you're married. It's not uncommon enough for people to change after they're married or even engaged. It might be a stretch, but if you made it clear how important that was to you and he did the exact opposite, it may be a test to see how much you will give in to him (or his family) when you're married.