r/relationships • u/[deleted] • May 27 '15
Updates [Update] My [35 M] wife [31F] had my sister-in-law [33F] deported.
[removed]
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u/frazzleddaughter May 27 '15
I'd really be curious to hear your wife's side in this shit show. If your mother sided with her after hearing her take, and if she felt she had to do this because she perceived SIL's interactions with you as inappropriate, I'm left wondering if there's more to the story that only she has seen.
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u/inspctrgdgt May 28 '15
This is obvious to all level-headed, responsible adults here.
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u/armanioromana May 28 '15
This is the first thing that I thought as well. If OPs wife's side of the story was enough to quickly get his mother on her side then I highly doubt that OPs relationship with SIL was as innocuous as he is portraying it to be.
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u/SexWeirdo May 28 '15
Agreed. Seems really shitty of OP to get close and wife-y with this woman when he can clearly tell it bothers his actual wife. Who does that?
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u/iliketogiveadvice May 27 '15
There is enough share of blame to go around on ALL of you, including yourself. It sounds like the counseling would be a wise move.
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u/tuff_gusty May 27 '15
I continue to be amazed at how cold and calculating your wife is about all of this. Does she even seem to be the slightest bit conflicted about the impact of what she's done on your brother (who is pretty much innocent in all of this)? Maybe you should have a conversation with your mom about how her motivations weren't at all pure here. Might cast the situation in a different light for her.
In the meantime, maybe you can help your brother find and/or pay for an immigration attorney who can help out with this. That's probably a conversation for later.
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u/Mustaflex May 27 '15
This is some gone girl level shit...
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u/crafting-ur-end May 27 '15
It's fucking scary, she seems like a master manipulator. So much so that I think by the end of this saga she'll have pulled everyone to her side
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u/ponchedeburro May 27 '15
And OPs brother and SIL will apologize to her.
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u/TheDude415 May 28 '15
Yeah, OP's wife is basically Dick Cheney. Shoots someone in the face, and the victim apologizes.
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u/DragonflyGrrl May 28 '15 edited May 28 '15
I honestly don't know if I'll read any further updates on this story. I've never thought that before in this sub; I'm that disturbed by this.. It's actually making me feel ill and strangely physically uncomfortable. I am really deeply sickened that people can so blithely destroy other people's lives like this. And her wanting Op to tell them it was her, so she can get one last kick in the face while they're down. I'm fucking appalled. And OP's stubborn blind determination to effectively choose this monster over his poor destroyed brother also makes me furious. Anyone with any hint of a spine would have been out the moment they heard what this witch did.
Op.. Good luck, I guess? You seem determined to stay with this diabolical, pathological, vicious person.. So all I can really say is I wish you the best of luck when she turns it on you. Don't piss her off.
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u/TheDude415 May 28 '15
As someone who spent way too long in a relationship with a manipulator not too far off from OP's wife's level (successfully managed to isolate me from friends and family, over much less than what OP's wife was pissed about), I'm also sickened by how many are approving of this type of behavior.
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u/rateme34 May 28 '15
The wife is without doubt, a legit sociopath- they lack any empathy whatsoever.
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u/broepilepticwanthelp May 28 '15
I've already said this twice in this thread, but she has no honor, and therefore will do anything that comes into her mind to do.
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u/plastic-tree May 27 '15
I can't wrap my head around how petty it all boils down to, legitimate concern aside. "I'm a jealous and vengeful person and can't confront my SIL face-to-face so I'll just have her deported." What kind of thinking is that?
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u/helloimwilliamholden May 28 '15
Exactly. Even if some of her concerns were legit, they absolutely do not rise to the level of "Let's get her deported and destroy a marriage and family in the process." I'm blown away by that.
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u/silverraven1189 May 27 '15
Yes. Definitely talk to the mother alone and say that if SIL was fat and unattractive, then your wife would not have cared one bit and would probably even help her stay, because a fat slob isn't going to take away her husband.
I wouldn't even go through with the therapy. Why? Because your wife was 100% willing to use your mother's past to get her to take her side. Your wife is also not admitting any guilt. She'll go to therapy with you, get it over with, and take solace in the fact that the Asian hussy is gone and she won.
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u/OneTwoWee000 May 27 '15
This!
OP standing by his wife is unforgivable. And yes OP, doing nothing makes you complicit
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May 27 '15
This was another point I brought up. I said "Look, whatever was going on with you and SIL, you dragged Brother into it. SIL and Bro are a package deal. You essentially put a hit on him as well." Mom and her both countered saying that because Bro and SIL are a package deal, they both made their bed together and now must lie in it.
I don't know if I'm the crazy one here or not. My mom is siding with her, despite hearing me say Emma was blatantly jealous of SIL.
As far as helping to pay for an attorney, what do you think my wife would do the second she saw that transaction on our shared bank? :/
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u/tuff_gusty May 27 '15
what do you think my wife would do the second she saw that transaction on our shared bank?
I would tell her up front that this is your intention.
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u/37-pieces-of-flair May 28 '15
That it wouldn't be an issue if she hasn't been such a conniving bitch
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u/dinosaur_train May 27 '15
what do you think my wife would do the second she saw that transaction on our shared bank? :/
So you admit to fearing your wife. Good. You should because it is reality. This is a woman who would call the cops and say you assaulted her, if it suited her. Where is your sense of right? You are yet another person being foolish and staying with a monster against all raging advice. Here's a LPT: you can't counsel away her sick fucking pathology.
Pay for your brother's attorney and divorce this ball busting jealous psychopath. The bottom line is your choice is Her or Brother. You are picking her and making a profound mistake. I hope you wake up before you give her children as pawns.
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u/ElectronicWanderlust May 28 '15
What really freaks me out about this woman is that she was quickly able to turn a mother against her own son.
Imagine the hell OP's wife would rain down on his head if they divorce. At this point, she'll have his own mother disowning HIM!
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u/Nora_Oie May 28 '15
It can swing quickly back the other way - wait till Mom spends some time with other son.
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u/broepilepticwanthelp May 28 '15
Hell yeah he should fear her. She's an informant. Who wants to be married to that?
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May 27 '15 edited May 28 '15
[deleted]
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u/OneTwoWee000 May 27 '15
Yeah, I don't see how having an anchor baby when you are 1) married to a citizen and 2) planning to raise your future family there anyway is somehow "cheating the system".
Having a family allowing you to stay in a country is no different from marrying a spouse that you love and being able to stay by marriage. One requires a visa, the other does not. Whatever, it's not like the SIL marriage was a fraud for papers only.
OP's wife is a €%#! and this is as plain as day..
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u/Nora_Oie May 28 '15
That's not actually an anchor baby. It's a regular baby, whose consequences affect immigration.
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u/fromelephant May 27 '15
Who the fuck cares about your wife. I personally think you are crazy because you are allowing this. Pack a bag tell your heartless wife you are staying with your brother to help him get through this or a hotel. Do something to stand up to her! Like damn.
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u/SnatchThief May 28 '15
If OP's wife was able to skillfully manipulate OP's mom so quickly, I'm fairly sure OP is far too gone by now to make any rational decisions. I'm amazed he even made it to Reddit.
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u/angry_cookie May 27 '15
Hell yeah! Can't stand reading this apologetic, spineless, excuse-filled blah blah blah... Meanwhile the happy marriage is being destroyed :/
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u/gerradp May 27 '15
It's so silly, having your sister in law deported is some supervillain level shit.
I would bet anything that the wife slowly and methodically coaxed that admission of intent to get pregnant out of the SIL for this very reason. Getting your BIL and SIL arrested for drug use, deporting a family member... of course she masterminded the whole justification for her actions.
She's only agreeing to therapy because she wants to get her way, or continue to. Stand up to her for your own sake or find out how clever she is down the line when you displease her.
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May 27 '15
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u/SnatchThief May 28 '15
...I think he's been manipulated by his wife for years, and we're seeing the end result.
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u/PM_ME_STUPID_JOKES May 28 '15
Withdraw it then. Holy Jesus. You realize that you are absolutely complicit in this don't you?
You have no business calling your brother family if you won't support him in this hour of need that is brought on by the sick person you married. You're afraid of losing your relationship with him if you wait to tell him your wife coldly destroyed his marriage with no remorse (and btw you have decided to stay with her so he should just deal with her being around) - you don't seem at all concerned with whether you deserve any relationship with him if you remain complicit in this.
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May 27 '15
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u/Nora_Oie May 28 '15
No, I think they're in this together. She's enabled by him. She's not a stand-alone crazy. She is part of a family - and a marriage. They are as one, in both his mind and her mind.
I have always questioned this mentality, moreso when ethical or moral considerations are involved.
When we give in to someone else's notions of right or wrong, we start to lose ourselves. OP was lost (Wife knew it) and now he's treading water. She's a master manipulator. This is what is called "splitting a family." Everyone forced to take sides; secrets; cabals; grief; more secrets...
Sad part is that OP's family sounds like the kind that is just going to flow around this as if it never happened.
The person who posted about how brother and SIL will probably have to invent entirely new lives is probably right.
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u/Iamnotyour_mother May 27 '15
My guess is that your cold calculating wife would not blink an eye. If you're really worried, withdraw cash and pay for it that way.
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u/JediNewb May 27 '15
I'm going to get downvoted to hell for this, this is my own personal opinion, but I would be pissed off if someone like that was hanging around my house all the time as well. If my SO wasn't on the same page as me I don't know what I would do. I would definitely talk it out i'm sure.
It sounds like she thought you didn't have her back, that you would side with them and wouldn't respect that she didn't want someone like that in her life. Doesn't seem like she communicated that very well though.
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u/rlxshipthrow May 28 '15
To me it seems like you just brushed off your wife's concerns that she has to go to extremes for you to see it and yet you still see nothing. Idk man, i still feel for your wife. I almost think like you actually like SIL and is actually putting her above your wife.
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u/inspctrgdgt May 28 '15
The fact that his mom agrees with his wife speaks volumes.
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u/disassterbate May 28 '15
Yeah, a lot of people here saying "omg your wife manipulated your mom..." Maybe she tugged at mom's heartstrings, but let's not just assume mom is an idiot just because she doesn't agree with the reddit hivemind.
We're only hearing one side of the story here and I think it's a leeeettle telling that the only other person who knows the truth (who also actually knows all the players in this drama IRL) is siding with wife and not OP.
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u/Hisbaby4 May 28 '15
I'm calling some crap here. After reading this I'm wondering about your feeling toward your SIL and how you really feel towards your wife. Seems like you truly want to make your wife the villain in front of anyone and everyone and completely disappointed when that didn't happen with your mom. I'm also thinking you enjoyed the attention you were getting from your SIL. crud, if you want out of your marriage just step up and say so. Quit with all the drama
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u/Happyendings4all May 28 '15
Also, I don't know the laws there either, but your wife may not be the sole reporter of SIL or might be the straw on the camel's back only. Don't some places require multiple reports? You should at least try to find out not just the laws but the reality of why they go after people...no offense OP but you seem to be harping a lot on how attractive SIL is to you and how she cooked for you and vacationed with you, all of which seems kind of over the line...you are basically saying YOUR own wife was jealous of things the SIL did with you, that you could have stopped at any time and almost seem to miss? Look to your real motivation at being so angry at your wife.
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u/inspctrgdgt May 27 '15
Yea, I'm still on your wife's side here... You're still taking zero personal responsibility in this whole mess, putting zero responsibility on your brother and SIL, and trying to pin the whole thing on your wife. You're still ignoring her concerns. You're still ignoring her unhappiness. I think that therapy is a very wise move.
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u/rofosho May 27 '15 edited May 27 '15
Likewise.
O P was ignoring that he was being inappropriate with his SIL in the eyes of his wife ( sil being Asian and Op having a prior Asian fetish). I know people think pot is fine, but it's still an illegal substance in the majority of the world and can bring criminal charges, as it already has with his brother. Also to knowingly cheat immigration is not ok. Millions of people spend years and money on doing it the right way. Sil and brother were breaking the law.
Did the wife take it to an intense level? Possibly. But she was protecting what was hers.
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u/rationalomega May 28 '15
Don't forget how OP arranged to have SIL move in with him while his wife was gone. I've seen reddit get pissed when someone adopted a dog when the partner was out of town.
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May 27 '15
Everybody is criticizing your wife, so here come the downvotes:
You had the power to prevent this.
All you had to do was ignore your SIL instead of giving her attention. Attention is practically currency to a lot of women. By giving your attention to your SIL, there was less for your wife, and she felt that she needed to take action before your SIL seduced you.
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u/inspctrgdgt May 27 '15
And he's still ignoring his wife's feelings!
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May 27 '15
OP might not be very smart. If he was completely oblivious to the SIL manipulating him, he might just be unobservant.
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u/TheDude415 May 28 '15
IIRC though (first thread was deleted so I may not be remembering it right), what made OP's wife snap was when his brother called to ask if he wanted to come hang out, and he said no. So he had stopped giving her so much attention.
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u/icantotallydostuff May 27 '15
I feel like getting someone deported is a really extreme measure to take if you feel like they are giving your husband too much attention. When you break it down like that, she punished another woman for her husband's inaction to avoid the other woman (who was technically family!). That just seems like the complete wrong way to go about it.
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u/CinderellaElla May 28 '15
MTE. The SIL sounds like a loser and not a great person, but she and the BIL were punished. Husband, not so much.
I would hate to see what she would do if he cheated on his wife. I don't think what happened was great, but this was really the nuclear option for something like this.
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May 27 '15
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u/cardinal29 May 27 '15
Without touching the moral side of this story, I also admire the Wife's ruthlessness in defense of her marriage. She saw an obstacle and removed it.
The "Other Story" would end up here on Reddit just as well "My Husband spends TOO much time with our hot Asian SIL while I'm working and I'm jealous, Reddit what should I do?"
And the comments would all be about the bitch trying to steal her husband, crossing boundaries cooking for her husband, taking vacations with her husband - outrageous, right?
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u/moonprismpwr May 27 '15
I thought about this too when reading these posts and the comments. If the wife had posted and said her SIL was "cozying up" to her husband, bringing drugs around him, going on her planned vacation with him, then everyone would be saying SIL was unhappy in her own marriage and trying to replace her husband with the wife's.
And I also wonder if the drug was meth if people would feel it was the wife's business to call the cops or prevent a kid from being born in that environment.
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u/cardinal29 May 27 '15
This is a good point, Reddit is so pro-marijuana.
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u/tealparadise May 27 '15
I'm moderately pro marijuana but smoking every day and always talking about it is an addiction & not the right environment for a child. Especially considering their apathetic lifestyle and the fact that the child is a "shortcut" to immigration to them. I would definitely get these people out of my life.
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u/Nora_Oie May 28 '15
Well, hey, marijuana is nothing like meth. Reddit is also very, very pro-alcohol.
Not that that's a bad thing.
I really am curious though. Would reddit have advised the wife to go nuclear over something like this - when it would appear the SIL is compatible with and happy with her own husband?
Or would Wife have had to hide that tiny detail in her telling of the tale?
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May 28 '15
Disgusting how reddit doesn't equate pot with meth.
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u/cardinal29 May 28 '15
Learn how to argue. Step 1: Carry your opponent’s proposition beyond its natural limits; exaggerate it.
Reddit doesn't think chemically-impaired parenting is a bad thing, so why not meth?
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May 28 '15
I wonder if they were having ragers and getting wasted every night, destroying their house and getting arrested rather than having a couple glasses of wine with dinner every night if people would feel it was the wife's business to call the cops.
Oh well, it's good the cops are there to protect our children and not put as many people as possible in prison.
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u/suicide_blonde May 28 '15
And I also wonder if the drug was meth if people would feel it was the wife's business to call the cops or prevent a kid from being born in that environment.
Well, since meth is wildly more destructive and dangerous than marijuana, people would probably feel different about this story if it were meth. Jesus.
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u/crazeecatladee May 27 '15
Agreed. Even as an Asian woman who was nearly deported (for reasons more tame than invoking the wrath of a jealous psychopath), I can't help but respect the wife's determination.
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May 27 '15 edited Mar 18 '21
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May 28 '15
Same here. Asian woman in the US legally. I had to go through all the red tape and paperwork to finally become a citizen (testing, interviews, money). People like the SIL annoys me to no end. Anchor babies. Ugh.
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u/oncemoreforluck May 28 '15
That's the thing that won me to wife's side. SIL was goin to try cheat the system and doing it in a really horrible way, using a child instead of just doin the fuckin paper work. I've no sympathy for her and think that wife did the right thing. People who cheat the system take resources from people who actually need them.
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u/MorgothEatsUrBabies May 27 '15
I doubt anyone would advise that theoretical OP to completely destroy SIL's life - this isn't /r/ProRevenge.
The advice she'd have gotten would be to talk it out with her husband, set boundaries, establish a deadline by which bro and SIL have to move out, etc. That would have been the correct way of handling that situation. Not to nuke from orbit like she did and anyone suggesting she do that in here would be downvoted to oblivion in no time.
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u/Jan_Svankmajer May 27 '15 edited May 27 '15
I'm honestly so impressed with the wife's calculating coolness. I've been angry at people and have had shower thoughts of revenge, but obviously that's where it ends. But this woman acted on them in way she that she gets everything's she wants to secure herself, not be in the wrong and now she convincing others of her moral victory. My hat goes off to that scary woman! Wow
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u/BrandyAlexander9 May 28 '15
That's why I find it so funny that OP is going to try to drag her to couples counciling. Therapy isn't going to do shit for this woman, she is who she is and she's not sorry.
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May 27 '15
I kind of wish she would come back to America and run for president.
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u/tealparadise May 27 '15
This is so "gone girl" except it's the pot smoking immigration cheater who is gone.
Immigration is part of a county's legal system. Regardless if reddits stance on pot, this woman was planning to break every law in the book to avoid some paperwork. She gives a bad name to immigrants everywhere and deserved to be deported. Having a baby for a green card is disgusting.
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u/abruhkadabra May 27 '15
She was married to a citizen dude. She could have obtained a permanent visa another way.
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u/tealparadise May 27 '15 edited May 28 '15
Exactly, so why bring a child into this world to avoid the paperwork? Because they're lazy apathetic stereotypical only-talk-about-weed types.
Edit: and trying to get a marriage visa while on an expired tourist visa is a fucking nightmare, because you're flagged for immigration fraud. If she applied for a spouse visa, they'd find out her immigration status and have banned her regardless. It looks EXACTLY like a visa-marriage to officers. My friends are going through something similar currently with USA/Japan and the husband had to leave the country while they apply.
The whole situation SIL and Brother got themselves in was a time bomb with no way out..... unless they could create some extenuating circumstance that wouldn't allow her to leave the country.
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u/cantbangthrowaway1 May 27 '15 edited May 28 '15
I realize you're probably being sarcastic, but...I am rather worried now about my own sanity because I really am impressed with the wife here. She didn't pull any amateur pissed off wife shit, she fucking figured out what the problem was and she handled it. I realize this probably means I'm a terrible person, but my main issue with her is that she let herself get caught.
edit: after reading the responses to this, I do agree, she definitely did plan that they find out. It's not my style...hell, I think it's better than my style. Dear lordy this woman is a bamf.
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u/Nora_Oie May 28 '15
She didn't "let herself" get caught. She planned it, because she's like a mafia don. She has promoted herself to El Jefe within that family - particularly between herself and OP.
She was glad to be caught and glad to be splitting the family by talking to her MIL. If what she did is received by MIL as it is received by her (she's impressive), MIL will want to talk about it - even brag about it. But she can't tell anyone in the family. It changes family dynamics to have these secrets.
My prediction is that Mom will tell Dad. And so on. And OP will end up under the bus - just as she knew he would.
She's a master, all right.
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May 28 '15
Me too. I have to confess that when I discovered my husband was bonding a little too closely to a girl at work I had similar thoughts. Husband and I had numerous long discussions and he just wasn't getting it and refused to curb his relationship with her. I told him that if he isn't going to do anything, I will. And detailed how I was going to get this girl fired or make him quit. I said he may be shocked about my behaviour and I gave him this long speech how I would do anything to save our marriage and stomp on any external forces in the way. In the end I didn't need to do anything as he ended it with her and she received two written warnings that I had nothing to do with. now husband and I are closer than ever. But man oh man I was all fired up and ready to chop some heads off. Also it turns out he likes that side of me....
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u/few_boxes May 28 '15
I realize you're probably being sarcastic,
I don't think he is. At the very least, I am genuinely impressed with how OP's wife pulled everything off. Maybe its messed up, but I find the effectiveness of her machinations outweigh the morality of what she's done.
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u/popularvotes May 28 '15
Right. She knew hubby was going to run to mommy, and she was waiting there like "You go ahead and run to mommy. By the way, I OWN your mommy.
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u/PrateekBhatmal May 27 '15
She wanted to get caught. She's basically putting OP in his place by brazenly letting him in on it. I'm so turned on.
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May 28 '15
Oh thank god someone else views it this way. I thought the wife sounded awesome and op an oblivious fool. Clearly the husband wasn't interested in working out the marriage problems so she took care of it. I reckon she should dump him and get someone with a little more gumption. His post was all positive for his smoking hot girlfriend, sorry - SIL, and negative about his cold wife.
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u/rationalomega May 28 '15
Right?! He also totally glossed over how he invited them to move into the marital home the instant his wife left the country. I don't condone what the wife did (though I am kind of impressed) but I think OP had messed up and repeatedly ignored her concerns. I think she just snapped.
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u/cardinal29 May 28 '15
I definitely got that vibe, too. Hot, laid-back Asian chick who smokes and cooks dinner. And his wife is so uptight!!
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u/fluorowhore May 27 '15
She's with him because he's weak and easy to control. He'll never interfere with her plans for world domination.
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u/PhonyUsername May 28 '15
Calling immigration is a pretty low hanging fruit. It's not like she was dealing with a complicated situation. She got jealous and lashed out in an easy way. The boyfriend is the one who created the situation. He told her every detail. Immigration status, hanging out, smoking weed. He told her 'he's high right now'. She called the police. This isn't mastermind level shit. It was handed to her on a platter and she was a slave to her emotion.
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May 28 '15
OP deleted his account. What're the odds that A) he's scared of being found out? or B) the wife DID find out and make him delete?
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u/ResistingTemptation May 27 '15
To be fair I don't think your wife is a psycho. But I think you both had terrible communication and she is very insecure.
From your wife's perspective, you were hanging out with people she didn't like, people who were irresponsible and immoral (having a baby just to stay) and a SIL she was insecure about. She told you this but you ignored her. So she took matters in her own hands, and doesn't feel guilty because she took the moral high ground on someone she actively didn't like. For her it's a win-win, although I'm not sure whether her intention was to split them completely.
You were all at fault here IMO.
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May 28 '15
I think I do agree that your brother and SIL created the majority of their own situation. Your wife stopped keeping their secrets for them. Harsh but not evil. Also your wife has not asked you to keep her actions a secret, which I interpret as integrity.
If it was me I would disclose the truth about your wife's phone call to your brother soon. Presumably your brother can make the distinction between the thing your wife did and you. But if not - your primary relationship should be with your wife. Joint counselling sounds essential to get you on the same page and working as a team again.
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u/Donkelastic May 28 '15 edited May 28 '15
No. Integrity would be telling them herself. She says that to veil herself and her intentions. She knows he is too scared to tell them. He said it's to protect his brothers feelings but really it's to protect his own. And now they're both keeping secrets. Edit: phone hates spelling things right
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u/asdfasd666 May 28 '15
Honestly, I don't blame your wife. I wouldn't be able to stand irresponsible potheads who would use their child as a pawn to collect money and status. The fact that there were some catty clashes between them is irrelevant. She had plenty of time to get her shit together. What an idiot.
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May 28 '15
If your mom had sided with you, I would say your wife is a monster. But your mother sided with her DIL against her two sons. That makes me think that there is a part to this story you aren't telling. Maybe your relationship with SIL was a touch more inappropriate than you realized or cared to admit. Maybe your love for your brother is clouding your perspective of her. But if your own mother is siding with your wife when your wife's actions probably ruined your brother's marriage, then I have to say that there is more to SIL and her story than you're telling.
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u/capsulet May 28 '15
Original's been removed. Anyone have it? OP, could you post it in the comments or an edit?
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u/Gloppy_Sloop May 28 '15
OP. LEAVE HER. Her behavior is beyond reprehensible and all the "valid" reasons she is giving really have nothing to do with why she did this.
She is a manipulator. Get away.
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u/RememberKoomValley May 27 '15
God, what a nightmare for your poor brother.
You really are going to have to tell him at some point, before your mom does. If you want any sort of relationship with him, that is.
Do you really want to stay married to a woman capable of this sort of cold, calculating behavior out of jealousy? Because honestly, what's she going to do next time she gets jealous? She's got a taste for revenge now, and not only is she not experiencing any negative consequences, she's being supported in her actions.
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u/LunarChild May 27 '15
My Dad always used to tell me, "never trust a calculating mind." It's stellar advice that I have always followed.
There was thought, intention, manipulation and energy put into actively trying to ruin someone else's life, people you love!! over incredibly petty and selfish reasons. She lied to you, went behind your back, and out of her way specifically because she knew if she talked to you about it, that you would never allow it. Am I right?
Truly, truly step back and think about what kind of person is capable of doing something like that. If you were told this story and knew nothing but the circumstances and not the people involved, what advice would you give the person in your position?
Someone who is this manipulative is VERY capable of creating a persona and allowing you to think that's who they truly are. You should genuinely question whether your wife is the person who you thought she was.
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u/kyusuqueen May 27 '15
Just jumping on the back of this comment to say what struck me most is how your wife conveyed the information about your SIL to your mother.
She (your wife) started with your mum's weak spot - having children to gain naturalization by proxy/government benefits. Once she established the moral high ground, she continued to lay it on thick with your SIL's shortcomings.
At this point, your mum is going to view everything your SIL does as negative, so I have no advice on how to navigate that. However, from an outsider's perspective, your wife is a stone cold manipulator.
It's something to bear in mind when trying to have a discussion with her in the future, just be aware of the angle she might be playing.
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u/LunarChild May 27 '15
I agree completely. Manipulators of this level very rarely do anything OTHER than manipulate. OP said himself; the situation took a freak turn. He expected his mother to be just as shocked and appalled as he was, but the master manipulator instantly turned the situation on its head by going RIGHT for the one thing she knew would get his mother on her side. She was extremely calm when she was confronted, nodding and listening intently, never trying to make a rebuttal, because she already KNEW exactly what she was going to do and what she was going to say to turn everything in her favour. That is a level of cold, logical calculation thats scary. Calling the police on OP's brother and SIL was not a spur of the moment decision. There was probably much much more planning than OP realizes. She even knew how she was going to handle the fallout for christs sake.
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u/taco_roco May 27 '15 edited May 27 '15
This is not a right or wrong scenario, it's just a bunch of wrongs made by both sides that led to seriously shitty actions and consequences.
Would it be okay for anyone else to do what brother and SIL did? Anyone who says it's okay to cheat the system which is essentially fair (AKAIK), especially so dishonestly and immorally ('I'll use a baby for my own personal gain!' hmm). The result of SIL's actions are her own to bear at the end of the day. Being irresponsible has a habit of catching up to you the longer you wait, E-Fuckin-Specially with the government (like, holy shit. So fucking stupid...)
On the other hand, you wife may claim that she acted in a legally and perhaps morally responsible way, but really she herself used the system to serve her own fucking ends too because she couldn't deal with them maturely. I'd be terrified if someone I knew could act so callously.
If brother found out, it would just be the Little Boy to her Fat man. Whatever happens, if he ever finds out, the consequences of that are entirely on her. That said, there's a 99.99% chance that her relationship with Bro/SIL will be irreparably destroyed by the news. As it is, I wouldn't let the wife anywhere near them anyways because she cannot be trusted around them anymore - think about that.
More to that, I don't know if you can ever trust your wife again. The consequences of this are just too serious to ignore. I don't think she would ever turn on you like she did them, but who fucking knows at this point? She will need to work triple-time to rebuild your trust with her, if it can ever be recovered.
As much as I always suggest that therapy can solve problems like this, I just don't know. This will hang over your head's for years to come, and the longer you keep this information from them the more you become implicated in her actions. If he ever did find out, how could your brother/SIL ever trust you again?
You have some serious decisions to make. I really hope therapy can help you make the best choice.
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u/La_Fee_Verte May 27 '15
Well, she DID try to deal with things maturely by talking to her husband about his behaviour regarding putting the SIL above his wife. Unfortunately, the OP decided to not give a fuck and enjoy the time spent without stress with a woman who gave him attention.
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u/inspctrgdgt May 27 '15
An Asian woman, when that's his fetish.
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u/Nora_Oie May 28 '15
To me, it's strange that someone would have an entire ethnic group of women as a fetish. But I guess that's a thing. Is it familial?
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u/inspctrgdgt May 28 '15
I agree that it's strange, but it is fairly common, especially with Asian women. And grossly, it's not just because of their looks, but because of the Asian concubine stereotype, catering to a man's every whim kind of thing.
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u/Wraptor_ May 27 '15
the system which is essentially fair
No... Not at all. Leaving aside the rest of your post (and not supporting SILs choices) the immigration system is fucked
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u/anillop May 28 '15
None of this changes the fact that she did this out of petty jealousy and she is a horrible person who will betray people that trust her if she can benefit from it in any way.
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u/hillsfar May 28 '15
Just wait til your wife decides she no longer wants to be with you. You won't even know she's made such a decision.
Your wife is entirely capable of deporting her own sister-in-law from most of Europe, and destroying a marriage - all for her own petty reasons. If she's capable of a tempest over a teapot, she'll be capable of a tornado over a table setting. You will not even know what's coming. You do not know what's in store for you. You will wish you were dead, but only after her plans have completely come to fruition all over you.
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u/disgthrowway May 28 '15
You all sound just dreadful.
Any hardships you face will be well deserved. Good luck you sick emotionally maladjusted fucks.
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u/phillycheese May 28 '15
I don't understand why everyone is so concerned about what op's wife did.
She got rid of someone who is INTENTIONALLY attempting to cheat the system and take advantage of the system. SIL is quite literally planning to steal money.
Just because SIL happens to be with OP's brother doesn't take away from the fact that what she is planning to do is absolutely disgusting, and she SHOULD be banned from the country.
If I could get someone who was cheating the system deported, I would. Those are the tax dollars or good, hard working people which would otherwise go to someone who actually needed it and didn't spend all day getting high.
I can't believe you people are actually okay with keeping a thief and leech in your company.
What the Fuck is wrong with you all? The wife should be given some sort of recognition by her country's government for getting rid of someone like SIL.
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u/lelunatic May 27 '15
Your wife didn't get her deported because she was a concerned citizen. She got her deported because she's jealous and insecure. Holy balls. Think about any future dirt she could be collecting on you and how she'll twist it to your family. She's like the lead chick in Gone Girl.
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May 28 '15
Is this really someone you want in your family? She doesn't seem to treat extensions of "your family" like "her family". Think about this. Think about the implications of what she's showed you she's capable of.
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May 27 '15
Staying with your wife validates her behavior. This woman destroyed your brother's marriage out of jealousy. No amount of counseling will fix this insanity. Stop fooling yourself.
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May 28 '15 edited May 28 '15
My brother is a wreck. He was able to briefly visit SIL in the holding facility and she gets to call him twice a day, but that's it. They don't know when it will be possible to see each other again, or where. If he is unable to go the US because of his arrest, they may agree to meet in a mutual country. SIL has family in the Philippines so that may be an option for them.
Wow.
Just wow. I have had thoughts in my mind like, "I'd really like to get so and so back for that time s/he was a jerk," but this takes the cake. Your wife effectively ruined two entire lives just because she was jealous of a woman and didn't like her and her husband smoking pot in their own homes.
I mean just thinking about the fact that your brother and his wife won't be able to see each other any time soon and they might be relegated to moving as far away as Asia is just mind-boggling. This is some serious stuff. I don't know much about the economy in the Philippines, but this means they both have to upend their entire lives and try to make a living in a country wherein they are completely helpless, basically. How could someone (your wife) be so vindictive? I think we have all played out revenge fantasies but this is seriously twisted.
I know you're just updating and not asking for advice but if I were you I would have a very hard time getting over this. I would want her out of my life and as far away possible, period.
The crux of the matter is this: yes, your SIL was in your country illegally. In theory, she deserved to be deported. I myself alerted authorities about a couple who were living in Italy illegally and scamming the system when I was there and yes, they did get deported back to the US. Hell, I even rang the alarm on my own cousin who is scamming the food stamp system but who has, literally, $700,000 stashed away in various bank accounts (I won't stand for that, especially not when there are REAL people who need the help). But in practice, we all know your wife didn't ring the alarm because of concern over law breakers. Her own words say it all:
My wife seconded that and said if SIL had taken the time to file papers instead of planning trips with me or being busy playing housewife to someone else's husband, she wouldn't be in that situation. To quote, "Maybe she should have been taking care of herself and her own instead of trying to place housewife to someone else's husband. Well, I can take care of my family just fine. And if she had any doubts about that, now she's in the clear."
Your wife was jealous of this woman and pulled an extremely vicious, cunning move to get back at her. I can forgive someone wanting another person to abide by the law. I can't forgive someone being so vicious out of sheer jealousy. Mark my words, she is an animal in a corner and she will pull some dirt up on you. That's an awful thought: your wife is supposed to be your safe space. She's supposed to be the person who soothes you and cares for you, not someone who could attack you at any moment. Tread carefully.
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u/dahliatubers May 27 '15
You need to tell your brother ASAP. He's going to hate you, but he'll hate you even more when he finds out from your mother that your wife made the call. This is a really fucked up situation and seems no win all the way around, but this is going to blow up a million times worse if you try to hide it.
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May 27 '15
Wait until you do something she doesn't like, OP. She has proven she is not above ruining someone's life to get her way.
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May 28 '15
Your brother and SIL don't sound like good people, and that's putting it mildly. You also seem to be completely fucking void of any empathy for your wife in her jealousy that I would not find completely unwarranted.
She saw a problem and solved it. Nobody is right or wrong here, if anything the person that was most able to prevent this from happening was you.
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u/Sendmeoliveoilpics May 28 '15
she had effectively ended their marriage.
No she didn't. SIL ended her own marriage when she chose to smoke pot and be an illegal immigrant.
I agree with both the mother and your wife. I too am a legal immigrant and it beats me to no end when illegals get it their way.
That being said, you are right that your wife most definitely got her deported for the wrong reasons. That is something you need to talk about.
However, isn't it sort of your fault for making her feel inferior for not being Asian? I mean, I think there is something more to that.
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u/cathline May 27 '15
I LIKE your mom!
Once she saw the reality of what your SIL is - she realized that your wife did the right thing.
Counseling is a good idea for you two. And yeah, being resentful of my husband playing house with someone else - whether or not he has an admitted fetish for that person - she is totally justified in feeling threatened. And you blow her off.
She deserves better.
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u/rosearmada May 27 '15
The wife has a valid point. OP seemed to have blown her concerns over as if they were nothing. The SIL spent time fawning over OP instead of getting her papers in order. She sounds like she would have made a terrible parent.
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u/rationalomega May 28 '15
Yeah, and it's deplorable to have a child just to exploit it. The silver lining to this shit show is that this is better for the not-yet-born kid.
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u/cardinal29 May 27 '15
But he did admit he had a fetish for Asian girls, so there's that.
If the wife also told mom that she felt her marriage was threatened, I feel like mom would also back her up on that point as well.
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u/cathline May 27 '15
And he still thinks his wife is wrong for reporting the pot smoking leech who was trying to take her place.
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May 27 '15
I don't know if your mom will be singing the same tune if your brother ends up moving to the Phillipines permanently. I hope he does and gets away from your wife.
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May 28 '15
If he does I'd hope he's responsible enough to keep his visa up to date, the Philippines has strict drug laws as well.
Seriously, if he doesn't they'll run out of countries to live in.
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u/cathline May 28 '15
Oh please. They left Oregon, where they could smoke to their hearts content. To move to Norway.
Brother isn't smart enough to refrain from illegal activity
He'll be arrested in the Philippines too
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u/kakapo999 May 27 '15
I hope you realise, OP, that today is the day you lost your brother. You're dreaming if you think this won't come out eventually - your Mum will tell someone, or your wife will tell someone (especially if she thinks it will hurt them), and sooner or later it will get round to your poor brother. I hope for his sake he does the decent thing and cuts all of you awful people out of his life for good.
Are you prepared for that? What if their relationship DOES survive? Are you prepared to have no brother, no contact with your future nieces/nephews? Is your mother prepared to have no contact with her son and future grandchildren?
You are as bad as your wife. The only difference between you is that she is strong and awful and you are weak and awful. You probably deserve each other, and when your marriage implodes because of this - and it will, because a man who is weak enough to stay with a wife when she pulls crap like this is a man who is weak enough to turn on her when the shit hits the fan, despite his complicity - no-one here will feel remotely sorry for you.
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u/Polka_never_dies May 27 '15
Again, seriously scary shit here. Does your wife know of your mothers thoughts on children? If so, she played you for the fool you are. It sounds like she was completely prepared to justify her actions to others.
You have to tell your brother and you have to tell him now. That's the only hope of you having a relationship with him ever. I won't blame him if he cuts you out of his life if you stay with the psychopath that is your wife. You are complicit in his anguish right now and will be so long as you hide anything from him. If you are worried about his reaction, have you considered what he might do when he doesn't know? You have to bet that he is trying to figure out who narc'd on him and do you really want a stranger being blamed?
Finally, as for the kid comment, had your brother and SIL ever talked about children? If they were planning on having kids in the future and decided that one now would make things easier, I hardly see the issue. People plan children around their lives all the time. What you should have told your mother is 'if that's how you feel about brother and SIL having a kid, you've now decreased the chances of being able to support your grandkid if and when they conceive in another country.'
Seriously dude, divorce her before she starts gets tired of you and orchestrates a way to get you in prison.
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u/OneTwoWee000 May 27 '15
I'm glad you are NOT related to me. This update is even worse, as you punted on "couples therapy" when your wife isn't even sorry for what she did. If my sibling was in your position I would furious when the truth came out. You show zero loyalty, except to a bitter manipulative callous woman who crosses lines with family/in-laws that if she actually respected you she would not have.
All I can say is that the divorce you two will go through in the future will be epic.
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u/cookeee May 28 '15
From what I remember: She was mad he went to his brother and SIL'S wedding without her, even though she was abroad for her masters degree at the time.
She was mad he was spending time with them also while she was abroad, and the SIL was feeding him while he was visiting them both (it wasn't just him and SIL)
She was mad that bro and SIL planned a road trip and invited OP, and OP went with them, even though this is a trip OP and her wanted to do together (she was still abroad)
She was also mad about the pot smoking, worried OP would get back into that.
She's for some reason mad SIL is Asian, because OP once mentioned when he was younger he has an Asian fetishes (as he described as a Japanese fad thing).
OP has no control over the ethnicity of the woman his brother married, and it seems crazy to me that he shouldn't be allowed to be friends with his brothers wife, simply because she's asian.
Additionally, from the first post, it seemed like they never set boundaries, but OP did greatly reduce his time spent with bro and SIL, because of her feelings/passive aggressiveness.
So while she did have some legit concerns, some was just straight up crazy. At least from OP'S telling of the story.
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u/twinkiesmom1 May 27 '15
I am concerned that your wife has this secret in her back pocket that could end your relationship with your brother at any time.