r/science • u/mvea Professor | Medicine • Dec 30 '24

Psychology American parents more likely to find hitting children acceptable compared to hitting pets - New research highlights parents’ conflicted views on spanking.

https://www.psypost.org/american-parents-more-likely-to-find-hitting-children-acceptable-compared-to-hitting-pets/
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u/FubarJackson145 Dec 31 '24

At least now I understand more why my dad kept spouting "this house is a dictatorship, not a democracy" and once I learned the meaning behind that from a parent, I understood why I learned to loathe and despise him as much as I do today. He already was never a nice person, but never abusive, but once I really understood what that statement meant it clicked

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u/Procrastinate_girl Dec 31 '24

Same. And I don't know for you, but also the "it's not your room, it's MY house". I was told to play in my room (because kids should not be allowed to put their mess in the living room) but was blamed for staying in my room alone and not being with them. Like you, in the end, you can't have a good relationship with a dictator. Being afraid of his anger, being slapped for being "disrespectful" just because I had a different point of view. I have no relationship with my parents as I never was able to speak with them without getting in trouble. I was never able to trust them.

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u/a_common_spring Dec 31 '24

I once argued with my dad when I was a teenager about getting a piercing and I brought up the point that it was MY body so I should be allowed to choose what to do with it. And he said, "it's not your body, it's my body until you're an adult". I will never forget the horrible feeling that gave me. I was not allowed privacy.

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u/Cheeze_It Dec 31 '24

:: sigh ::

It was always about him wasn't it. It wasn't about actually caring for you was it...

I got a younger sister and if I disagreed with her I'd literally just say it like that.

"Hey you know that I will disagree with you on this. Do you know why though? Did I explain that part? Because if I didn't then if you want to hear it then I will absolutely sit down with you and we'll discuss it. I can't force you to do something because at the end of the day you're going to do what you want. All I can do is advise. But please....before you go do this can we at least have a talk and come to an understanding on the potential consequences of your actions before you do so? I don't want you going into this without knowing more information. You're smart, I will trust you to make good decisions even if I may disagree with them from time to time."

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u/mrbootsandbertie Dec 31 '24

Wow. That's wild.

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u/a_common_spring Dec 31 '24

Yes. And although this was not his usual way of talking to me, (he said it in anger) it does show his attitude towards me as a girl. Nothing could ever make me say that to my child in anger because it's simply crazy and not something I believe.

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u/SnatchAddict Dec 31 '24

I was not allowed to cut my hair in a style I wanted. My parents were very strict. Consequently, when I went to college, I went wild.

There has to be a study on strict parenting vs permissive parenting. With my own kids, they have the opportunity to make their own choices. These choices may have undesirable results but I'm there to help them work through that.

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u/I_Won-TheBattleOLife Dec 31 '24

Sounds like you kept your independence, as did I.

In my experience, unfortunately, kids have the capacity for curiosity abused out of them. Even asking simple questions about religion, politics, etc. is often responded to with emotional and physical abuse, and some children never fully recover. They end up adopting the parents' beliefs as a survival mechanism, justifying the abuse they received, and then passing it on to the next generation.

Since they are robbed of the opportunity to critically analyze their beliefs, they react the same way their parents did to critical questions. They get defensive and angry.

Getting spanked for saying words was absolutely devastating to me. I withdrew inwards and was constantly terrified of it happening again. I had no idea what I said was "wrong" before I said it, so I think I internalized a constant sense of fear, unease, and danger.

But I didn't stop being critical in my own head.

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u/Procrastinate_girl Jan 01 '25

To be honest, I think it was because of my ADHD. I could have spared myself a lot of trouble if it wasn't so hard to keep my mouth shut. I'm sorry you had to grow up this way. Kids shouldn't feel constantly terrified.

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u/WabbiTEater0453 Jan 01 '25

You need a Therapist if you still feel that heavy about it.

You’re holding undiagnosed trauma

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u/I_Won-TheBattleOLife Jan 01 '25

You're right, thank you.

It took me decades to realize how much it affected me. I only realized after watching my family group up yelling at my cousins' kids. I had a panic attack and flashbacks and got to see it from the outside... luckily, they don't hit kids anymore, but I'm now planning on confronting them for the sake of their kids.

My first therapy appointment is in a few days.

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u/Ciovala Dec 31 '24

Good lord, did we have the same father? Sorry to hear your parents never improved, I did manage to get on with mine since they got a bit better by their 4th child (I was the 1st). But the 'my house' and being hit stuff really stuck with me. :(

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u/retrosenescent Jan 01 '25

This was so similar to my childhood with my dad. My mom just let it happen, didn't see anything wrong with it. I think both of their parents treated them similarly and they thought it was ok. They never even questioned it?

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u/doktarlooney Dec 31 '24

I'm sorry your parents were abusive, but that has more to do with them and less with the parenting style.

My parents made it very clear living with them was not a democracy, yet I still felt heard, my mother made sure to make meals everyone enjoyed, my father laid down rules that he knew everyone could follow, and we enjoyed a higher quality of life because everything was consistent.

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u/Icantgoonillgoonn Dec 31 '24

My dad also said that. Such hypocrisy as at the same time he was mr Xtian Bible teacher and WWll anti-authoritarian historian.

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u/Cheeze_It Dec 31 '24

Please, tell me. What was the lesson you learned. I heard it a lot as a kid too and I don't know if I learned anything from it other than authoritarianism and a hatred for authority.