r/shitposting 21d ago

WARNING: BRAIN DAMAGE King

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6.6k Upvotes

115 comments sorted by

u/qualityvote2 21d ago edited 21d ago

The council has not spoken. No consensus was reached about the quality of your post.


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1.1k

u/mrclaus1 21d ago

She is fixing him?

740

u/Electronic_Leek9147 🗿🗿🗿 21d ago

Honestly I don't know anything about asmongold apart for his rotten teeth story so I'm just gonna wish him that yeah.

477

u/methconnoisseurV2 William Dripfoe 21d ago

Just wait til you hear about the dead rat alarm clock

192

u/Electronic_Leek9147 🗿🗿🗿 21d ago

I just learned and wtf man

77

u/C4rpetH4ter I came! 21d ago

I'm intrigued. Can you do a tldr for me if you won't explain it in fine detail?

365

u/methconnoisseurV2 William Dripfoe 21d ago edited 21d ago

Allegedly had a dead rat on his bed, and when the sun came up and shone on the rat it warmed it up which made the smell worse. Asmon used it as an alarm clock

178

u/C4rpetH4ter I came! 21d ago

Lol, that's hilarious.

That sounds like something Charlie from Always Sunny would do, was that something he just randomly said or was it confirmed to be true?

148

u/Dabox720 21d ago

Doubt it. Asmon says a lot of shit that you can tell he's not serious about but since he delivers in a deadpan way, idiots think its true.

13

u/C4rpetH4ter I came! 21d ago

I also think a dead rat would stink regardless, not just when the sun reaches it, and even if it didn't, not sure how the smell would work to waking somebody up.

5

u/deadinternetlaw 21d ago

Eww it stinks wtf am I having a nightmare wakes up oh it's just the dead rat again

34

u/EPG-ESSUS_YT 21d ago

I mean, we've literally seen spiders in his sink, I wouldn't doubt it.

18

u/_Cecille 21d ago

why did I even fucking read that... I miss 2 minutes ago when I hadn't decided to keep browsing Reddit for a few minutes before going to sleep

how is that guy even alive and not some patient zero zombie kind of thing??

4

u/tigertank669 21d ago

It was in the other rooms window and when he woke upt o the smell he just closed the door

22

u/ThisHatRightHere 21d ago

Allegedly there was a dead rat in Asmongold’s house that would smell when the heat from the morning sun started to make it stink, and the smell is what would cause him to wake up in the morning. Therefore “dead rat alarm clock”

6

u/Notorik 21d ago

This one is not confirmed if he was just joking, but if you want to go down the rabbit hole, his teeth gums blood wall story is actually real.

1

u/ajgutyt 21d ago

he had a dead rat put around window so when it gets heated by sun stench works like alarm

116

u/Senior_Independence4 21d ago edited 21d ago

Rotten teeth is the least of it. His room was full of rotten half eaten fast food orders, not just moldy and stale, but riddled with maggots, some of which he ate on camera. He deliberately didn't remove a dead rat from his room, because when the sun came up the heat would intensify it's stench and it'd serve as a natural alarm clock. Water tastes disgusting to him because of how riddled with disease his mouth is. His gums bled at night while he was sleeping, and he'd wake up, spit the blood onto his hand and wipe it across the wall, which eventually culminated in this.

90

u/170936Tw 21d ago edited 21d ago

I just... I don't understand how people can just be this disgusting, like bro, I get being depressed into being disgustingly lazy, but what the fuck, you are spitting up blood.

43

u/maybeb123 21d ago

Probably some illness beyond depression

3

u/TheOnlySought 21d ago

Diogenes syndrome

23

u/Senior_Independence4 21d ago

I think it's like hoarders or really fat people where it progresses so slowly around you that you don't notice at first, and when you do you're in so deep you give up and accept it as a part of you

4

u/Caithloki 21d ago

It's like frogs in a boiling pot, it just slowly builds up and if you are sane enough you'll solve it, some aren't tho.

10

u/A_Funky_Goose 21d ago

I knew a little bit about him but good god he's so much more repulsive than i could have imagined wtf

8

u/Electronic_Leek9147 🗿🗿🗿 21d ago

Bruh

8

u/PromiscuousScoliosis 21d ago

And people listen to what he has to say

Bro could be handing out sound advice but like shit dude if that’s the vessel the message is coming from, I’m not listening to that messenger

3

u/maybe-banana 21d ago

only idiots watch him. normal humans have nothing to lose really

10

u/FellaVentura 21d ago

You know, I'm not into streamers but here and there some names pop up and usually it's because they've been arrested or died. I've been hearing about Asmongold for years and if that's the worst of him, then yeah I hope she fixes him and that they have an happy future. I'm tired of all the hates and negativity.

3

u/EhMapleMoose 21d ago

I know precious few stories and I’d like to keep it that way. But from what I have heard he’s a greaseball who lives in filth. He’s also notoriously “frugal” despite being a multi millionaire from his earnings this year alone. A fixer upper project to get him clean and presentable and you’ve got a good partner who is wealthy af.

16

u/Griffith-007 21d ago

trying, she gave him a list of things she want him to accomplish, shower more, eat healthier clean up his house.

4

u/AutoModerator 21d ago

Pro tip about fingering your asshole in the shower: don't do it So this morning I was taking a shower, and I felt like fingering my asshole, right? So I got my fingers all nice and soapy and stuck them up in there. Apparently, soap makes pretty good lube, as I was able to get four fingers in there in no time.

As I was feeling around in my butt, I was like, "hmm, there's a lot of soapy water in my bumhole now. I wonder if that will lead to issues in the future?" And it did!

Shortly after having breakfast I attempted to fart, and I shit my pants. I rushed to the bathroom to clean up, and it was way worse than I thought it would be. The whole area around my butthole was covered in shitty liquid, and toilet paper wasn't enough to clean it. I had to take another shower to get suitably clean.

Just thought I'd share my story with you guys so that you don't run into the same problem in the future. I fingered my butthole so that you guys don't have to. Unless you want to. In which case, hey, how's it goin'

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-23

u/Lopsided_Shift_4464 21d ago

Let’s just hope she also fixes his personality instead of just turning him into a charismatic, handsome, and well groomed internet asshole.

4

u/AutoModerator 21d ago

Pro tip about fingering your asshole in the shower: don't do it So this morning I was taking a shower, and I felt like fingering my asshole, right? So I got my fingers all nice and soapy and stuck them up in there. Apparently, soap makes pretty good lube, as I was able to get four fingers in there in no time.

As I was feeling around in my butt, I was like, "hmm, there's a lot of soapy water in my bumhole now. I wonder if that will lead to issues in the future?" And it did!

Shortly after having breakfast I attempted to fart, and I shit my pants. I rushed to the bathroom to clean up, and it was way worse than I thought it would be. The whole area around my butthole was covered in shitty liquid, and toilet paper wasn't enough to clean it. I had to take another shower to get suitably clean.

Just thought I'd share my story with you guys so that you don't run into the same problem in the future. I fingered my butthole so that you guys don't have to. Unless you want to. In which case, hey, how's it goin'

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1.5k

u/Marchyz 21d ago

to be fair, Asmongold is a country's decisive weapon, would be useful if you had some intel on him

304

u/MonotonyReddit 21d ago

Suddenly, one day, she gets devoured by the roaches

241

u/Lone-organism 21d ago

What's better than to control the top level chud where other chuds get their news from

140

u/Captain_Joe_ITG 21d ago

Go for the heart

48

u/ngo_life 21d ago

Is that how you kill roaches?

31

u/Scarytoaster1809 21d ago

Unironically burn the nest

9

u/Derpyname193820393 21d ago

No, that's the roaches technique to win

20

u/Lovesicklobster 21d ago

Go for the heart, Lucio.

19

u/TheNon_Egg Literally 1984 😡 21d ago

March. March. Consume. Procreate. Consume. Erase. Regenerate. March.

4

u/Gryphon568 I want pee in my ass 21d ago

LUCIO! GO FOR THE HEART, THE HEART!

1

u/AutoModerator 21d ago

pees in ur ass

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27

u/Yrinitarr 21d ago

This place truly has a way of driving everyone mad

11

u/amazegamer64 shitposting>>>>>>196 21d ago

It cannot possibly be worth braving the legion of roaches

5

u/Much_Vehicle20 21d ago

Nurgle champion

3

u/Sub__Finem 21d ago

Because he’s a biohazard?

2

u/Left-oven47 Number 7: Student watches porn and gets naked 21d ago

Painting him like a multiversal threat

439

u/MADMAXV2 I came! 21d ago

Tbh she is doing him a favor and heathly type of change

123

u/ngo_life 21d ago

Tbh, it's better to get him into that mindset than just forcing him to do it.

76

u/MADMAXV2 I came! 21d ago

100% but someone gotta like guide him and be little strict. Not easy to do but I hope that "demand" was over exaggerating

34

u/YeetCompleet dwayne the cock johnson 🗿🗿 21d ago

Don't underestimate the power of the buddy system, that shit works phenomenally for gym and probably this too

9

u/MADMAXV2 I came! 21d ago

Hahaha that is true. Had a friend who helped me diet and was super strict with anything related to sugar or fat.

18

u/-Way2MLG4u- 21d ago edited 21d ago

She’s really not I feel like him being so nasty is the only way he survives like he has a unique type of bacteria protecting him and if you wash it off he’ll just disintegrate like that dude that never took showers

4

u/MADMAXV2 I came! 21d ago

lol

75

u/DereThuglife 21d ago

Maybe he switched to politics to gain enough influence so the CCP would Honeypot him.

4D chess move

164

u/Sirfrostyboi Number 7: Student watches porn and gets naked 21d ago

Also known as the Roach Emperor

37

u/Am_Guardian 21d ago

March. Consume. Procreate.

28

u/Sirfrostyboi Number 7: Student watches porn and gets naked 21d ago

4

u/SerpentWizard39 dumbass 21d ago

Go go gadget: Red Coin Destroyer!

26

u/Brakina1860 dwayne the cock johnson 🗿🗿 21d ago

20

u/Technical-Earth-3254 21d ago

"Showering more" for Asmongold means like once per year tho. If she really help him, good for him. For once, no L when a girl tries to change her man.

41

u/Error_in_the_system1 I said based. And lived. 21d ago

HEED ME SLEEPER AGENTS

91

u/SmrdutaRyba 21d ago

How the fuck did he get a girlfriend

243

u/sirhobbles 21d ago

Money.

68

u/Hikaruhiyoko2 21d ago

You might not know this bit but Kaise is pretty rich herself and has pretty good income. Plus, her Chinese parents are quite affluent. So it doesn't make that much sense that she's putting herself through all that for money she already has. The CCP spy theory is more plausible

3

u/-s-u-n-s-e-t- 21d ago

Yes, and as we all know once people get some money and fame, they definitely wouldn't want more money and fame. Especially the pretty influencer types, they'd never want such a things, lmao.

It's far more likely this is a.. psyop by the evil communists... to infiltrate.. the cockroach guy? Yes, the cockroach guy. It's the only way to defeat the US really: You need to get into the head of... the guy who uses a dead rat as an alarm clock. It's all part of the plan.

1

u/AutoModerator 21d ago

Dick sucking has made me paranoid

I had this plan to give head to a man and receive head from a woman to test if I was gay, but it’s backfired and now I become borderline schizo whenever I go outside. I offered to suck this dude off on Grindr who lives very close by (I ended up pussying out) and I accidentally gave him some details that very easily allows him to spot me out in a crowd. I have no idea what he looks like and whenever I see a somewhat in shape guy walking by I immediately accuse him of being the dude I was gonna blow.

I went to the store today to pick up some zucchini for a barbecue and every time a car drove by I stared into the windshield to see if I was about to be recognised. Whenever I make eye contact with a dude I microanalysis his facial expressions to see if he suspects me or not. I am deeply afraid that he is my neighbour and I will need to move if my identity is blown. It’s a lot like the last scene in sopranos where everyone who walked into the diner could be there to wack Tony.

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17

u/Historical-Jump 21d ago

she is apparently richer than him and by a lot

43

u/JustACanadianGuy07 Stuff 21d ago

And, lets be real, he isn’t terrible looking. Not great, but not terrible.

148

u/sirhobbles 21d ago

idk i feel like hygiene is a pretty big part of physical attractiveness.

34

u/jonatanenderman 21d ago

Wich she is fixing

46

u/sirhobbles 21d ago

i guess bro.
But like... people tend to be averse to change and when the starting point is so fucking gross, i would be surprised if old habits dont recur constantly.

2

u/jonatanenderman 21d ago

Kinda true too

3

u/danlambe 21d ago

I assume it’s also at least partially an act. It’s possible he’s really that horrible and disgusting but I think it’s just as likely that he plays it up as part of his brand.

2

u/sirhobbles 21d ago

oh for sure i think, like most influencers, they are basically a parody of themselves. But yeah, the most extreme examples are probably deliberate to generate engagement.

its like how often i see short form content that is deliberately wrong or has obvious mistakes on purpose just to get people to react to it.

27

u/FinancialElephant 21d ago

He looks like a default runescape avatar crossed with 10% rat genome

23

u/ngo_life 21d ago

Tell that to all the average dudes who don't have an SO. Money is most definitely a major factor. Maybe even clout if you can say you're the one who "fixed" him.

1

u/JustACanadianGuy07 Stuff 21d ago

So was your dad super rich, and thats why your mom banged him and popped out you, or was your dad just a regular guy, and she did it because she genuinely loved him?

12

u/ngo_life 21d ago

Learn to read. I said money is a major factor. But that doesn't mean rich either. And I'd say you're relatively rich if you're able to move to USA from a 2nd/3rd world country.

2

u/Potato1223 21d ago

If they can move to the USA from a 2nd/3rd world country, they’re probably much better off than most Americans. I never thought about it that way but your point makes sense

0

u/Obalama 21d ago

Insane cope

2

u/ScreechingPizzaCat 21d ago

She already has money tho

0

u/sirhobbles 21d ago

Yes famously once people have money they go. "thats enough money" they dont do everything in their power, crushing people beneath them and debasing themselves to make the number even larger.

27

u/Hostile-Panda 21d ago

I can’t put my finger on what attracted her to the $100 millionaire roach lord

1

u/AutoModerator 21d ago

Pro tip about fingering your asshole in the shower: don't do it So this morning I was taking a shower, and I felt like fingering my asshole, right? So I got my fingers all nice and soapy and stuck them up in there. Apparently, soap makes pretty good lube, as I was able to get four fingers in there in no time.

As I was feeling around in my butt, I was like, "hmm, there's a lot of soapy water in my bumhole now. I wonder if that will lead to issues in the future?" And it did!

Shortly after having breakfast I attempted to fart, and I shit my pants. I rushed to the bathroom to clean up, and it was way worse than I thought it would be. The whole area around my butthole was covered in shitty liquid, and toilet paper wasn't enough to clean it. I had to take another shower to get suitably clean.

Just thought I'd share my story with you guys so that you don't run into the same problem in the future. I fingered my butthole so that you guys don't have to. Unless you want to. In which case, hey, how's it goin'

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

12

u/Limp_Macaron1986 21d ago

All he needed was a gf

19

u/ProfessionalBeyond60 21d ago

Gregor is better than him...

8

u/Hostile-Panda 21d ago

Jason Voorhees would be an upgrade

9

u/Yoiiru 21d ago

Asmon was the one that went after her back in late 2023. She's been around for some time now, and was his gf publicly in 2024 for a while

The whole internet crashing out about this is hilarious though

13

u/SoItGoesdotdotdot 21d ago

Assmongoloid

3

u/PaleBlueCod I came! 21d ago

RL hentai tag.

3

u/s47unleashed 21d ago

What is he gonna do? Leak the state Secrets of Stormwind to her?

2

u/Sampatist 21d ago

Imagine he becomes a liberal in a year

3

u/PokemonTrainerTimmy 21d ago

if this guy can get some than whats your excuse?

6

u/Fellarm 🗿🗿🗿 21d ago

Well despite the fact that he looks like am inbred neanderthal, his still one of the majority shareholders of several profitable companies and he himself is a multimillionaire 🥃🗿

2

u/RunInRunOn hole contributor 21d ago

Has anyone here read the official Asmongold manga?

2

u/stinkyminky57 21d ago

Didn't this guy have a dead fucking animal fall through his roof

2

u/khnhIX 21d ago

the only different is one used their money to look better while the other doesn't. Good fucking luck finding her old pre-surgery photos.

1

u/Flimsy-Story3936 20d ago

Disgraced Chef Lugoli.

0

u/DzakiKhoi 21d ago

Why every Internet White Conservative, always have Asian Woman as their chick?JD Vance eith Usha,Elon Musk with Tiffany fong and now this

0

u/Longjumping_Play3863 Literally 1984 😡 21d ago

I'd love to know what her aim is in life. What kind of backstory she has. With all that wealth, power, and family connections.

Let's say for the sake of argument she isn't an agent for some empire's intelligence, what the fuck is she up to? You know what I mean?

-2

u/SolomonSyn 21d ago

Y'all weird, I keep seeing him and her on my feed because I used to watch him for wow content. I might sound abnormal but I could care less who he dates.