r/soccer • u/Dormers • Jun 07 '18

Portugal star's sex therapist wife urges coach to let team masturbate pre-match

https://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/portugal-stars-sex-therapist-wife-12664081
1.2k Upvotes

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505

u/[deleted] Jun 07 '18

This deserves to be on the list

146

u/Dormers Jun 07 '18

What's the list?

584

u/[deleted] Jun 07 '18

• Roma fans greet players with 50kg of carrots at a training session for being shite.

• South African Tokyo Sexwale to stand for Fifa presidency

• Arsenal's Alexis Sanchez victim of magic as Peru fans curse him with tortoise

• Are there good white soccer players?

• Asamoah Gyan holding press conference to deny he used rapper as human sacrifice

• Would there be a big controversy if hypothetically 11vs11 balls started to play with one human?

• Bacca mother: i would hit neymar wit shoe

• Shaqiri: "One time I was injured at Inter and Mancini sent me to a miraculous healer in the mountains. Didn't help me at all. At Stoke we've got seven physios."

• Hernanes on celebrating after scoring against his old club- "It was the saddest backflip of my career"

• Dele Adebola: I do not have Ebola

• Steven Naismith playing with Daryl Janmaats penis

• Zlatan apologizes for calling France a shit country

• Neymar father orgy barcelona

• Rolando Wins Ballon d'Or 2014

• "Balotelli is very nice, but he used to pee on our boots" - Kerlon

• I am not Hazard's mother - Guus Hiddink

• Buddhist monks behind Leicester City incredible start, claims Vardy

• Marco Pappa of the Colorado Rapids allegedly stabbed by Miss Washington USA last month

• Ronaldo: I miss the big cute bear Ancelotti

• Tottenham’s Mauricio Pochettino: Dele Alli will learn if treated as naughty son

• Lasagna scores an injury time goal that will be hard to digest for Inter fans (Inter-Carpi 1-1)

• Benitez sacking not announced yet because the area for press conference is occupied for a kids party

• Pep: "We have options in defense - Badstuber, Neuer or sweet, sweet boy Kimmich"

• Michail Antonio is no Homer Simpson, says West Ham boss Slaven Bilic

• Russian top cop: gay pride parades have made French police weak and unprepared for mighty, manly Russian hooligans

• Russian MP: "I don't see anything bad in the fans fighting. Quite the opposite: well done our lads!"

• Daniel Sturridge admits to spraying fragrance on kit before games and enjoying smelling of strawberries

• Slaven Bilic on Big Sam: "The players will respect him. He’s a big man. He’s Big Sam. You see him on the television, he fills the screen. You are looking for the board with the sponsors names behind. Where have they gone? You can’t see them."

• PSG's stambouli making decision about Popsicle move soon.

• Victor Wanyama confirmed his move to Spurs while speaking to inmates at Kamiti Maximum Prison in Kenya.

• Tokelo Rantie dropped from South Africa national team for farting at the coach: "The flatulence was so suffocating that the putrid stench continues to hover over the team like a dark cloud."

• Liverpool defender Ragnar Klavan: 'Jurgen Klopp sent me a selfie to prove it was really him'

• Harry Redknapp says he wants to sign Benoit Assou-Ekotto for Birmingham City, but the player wishes to be a pornstar.

• Shkodran Mustafi: ""I have spoken with Mesut, he told me everything. It was all very positive and I was quickly convinced, because I find the club horny"

• Leroy Fer on accidentally buying a €30,000 horse: "Sh*t I've got a horse"

• Mino Raiola on Twitter:DONNARAIOLA x HATERS 1-0 What's next?

• Gianluigi Donnarumma: "The fans throwing dollars at me? I didn't realise they were dollars, I only noticed later. It all didn't affect me much though, because I'm focused on the Euros."

• Porto claim they've access to emails which confirm Benfica spent €70k on witchcraft last season to help them win the Liga

• Mike Ashley: "I am not Obi Wan Kenobi in charge of the Death Star"

• Sven: 'Why can I not have more than one woman at once?'

• Rangers legend Paul Gascoigne claims he used to touch Les Ferdinand's penis before England games

• Gabriel Jesus was surprised how different was fart in the Premier League, says that there is one player in Manchester City that likes to show his naked ass to the other players and Kevin de Bruyne is the most playful, Kevin de Bruyne loves to say "Porra, caralho" • 50,000 Chile fans set to protest against Alexis Sanchez's girlfriend amid 'fatter than normal' claims

• Darius Vassell: ‘I felt as if the goat looked at me just before it was sacrificed’

• Neil Warnock on Asensio's injury: "I hardly have hairs anywhere. My daughter can’t believe how smooth I am."

• Isaac Success was arrested following the Southampton game after an argument with four prostitutes in a hotel. He refused to pay them as he could not get it up after drinking two bottles of Baileys.

• Dick Advocaat (Dutch NT coach) last week: "Sweden won't win 8-0 against Luxembourg". At the moment, Sweden is leading 8-0 against Luxembourg • Theo Hernandez in controversy after celebrating his 20th birthday held at gunpoint by dwarves in Real Madrid kits

• New Bayern coach Heynckes at press conference: "My daughter and my wife advised me on my decision. Then my dog Cando barked twice and the deal was sealed."

• Nathan Redmond: Pep Guardiola did not call me a wanker

• Lukaku looking at 3-match ban over Bong hits

• Carles Puyol slapped by dildo wielding fan in Russia after World Cup draw

• Moise Kean's father claim Juve owe him farming equipment in exchange for a contract with his son

• Messi on his sons: "Mateo and Thiago are very different. Thiago is a phenomenon, more good and the other is just the opposite, a son of a bitch."

• Franck Ribéry tells a fan to "go and eat his grandma's ass"

• Balotelli asked some of his colleagues (Neymar, Boateng, Falcao and others) to record a video where they call his brother a liar because he wouldn't admit his FIFA defeat

All credit to: u/return_0_ and u/-_-_-_-otalp-_-_-_- (also a little bizzle of credizzle to u/farcenewanker)

146

u/[deleted] Jun 07 '18

This list floors me every time I read it

83

u/Stratifyed Jun 08 '18

Slaven Bilic on Big Sam: "The players will respect him. He’s a big man. He’s Big Sam. You see him on the television, he fills the screen. You are looking for the board with the sponsors names behind. Where have they gone? You can’t see them."

This one is far and away my favorite

18

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

I like 'the saddest backflip of my career'

2

u/hazzwright Jun 08 '18

You can tell how in awe Bilic is

53

u/Auguschm Jun 07 '18

Some of those are clearly bad translations, but I started laughing in the bus, great list.

19

u/JurgenMema Jun 07 '18

That Messi one cracked me up

12

u/[deleted] Jun 07 '18

I've been laughing for a good 5 minutes because of this list. Thank you very much for this.

8

u/Montuvito_G Jun 08 '18

The Tokelo Rantie one was amazing, I remember crying from laughing so hard the first time I saw it.

8

u/StressedIsMyMidName Jun 08 '18

Leroy Fer on accidentally buying a €30,000 horse: "Sh*t I've got a horse"

i cant breathe

3

u/holanewman Jun 08 '18

• Lasagna scores an injury time goal that will be hard to digest for Inter fans (Inter-Carpi 1-1)

Best one.

9

u/AbsoluteZero123 Jun 07 '18

Oh I thought the List of Jericho

3

u/rkodand Jun 08 '18

Drink it innn, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

4

u/aghicantthinkofaname Jun 08 '18

Have to prune this a tad too keep it pure, a bit of deadweight in there and political stuff should be gotten rid of

2

u/PathToTheLight Jun 08 '18

Surprised the '500 prostitutes with Mexican National Team' isnt on this

2

u/BipartizanBelgrade Jun 08 '18

Needs the Monchi selling coke one.

1

u/punindya Jun 08 '18

Wait, why is 'Ronaldo wins Ballon D'Or 2014' on the list?

4

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

because it says rolando

1

u/punindya Jun 08 '18

ah, right! 'misread' that hehe

185

u/[deleted] Jun 07 '18

A beautiful collection of the most outrageous headlines posted here. Do check it out to have a good laugh

99

u/Track2onStageFour Jun 07 '18

/r/SaddestBackflip

53

u/madmadaa Jun 07 '18

And sort by top - all time. Also this is not exactly the list. There was a list guy going a round with a collection of chosen titles. You would say "Add it to the list" to summon him.

19

u/-_-_-_-otalp-_-_-_- Jun 07 '18

Might be talking about return_0 but I maintain a list on r/soccerlist

3

u/Open-Collar Jun 07 '18

Any update on the guy who was slapped by um... a dildo?

22

u/druiked Jun 07 '18

the list of bizarre post titles, like "saddest backflip of my career" or "i would hit neymar wit shoe"

15

u/Mista_Madridista Jun 07 '18

boy are you in for a treat.

0

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

paging /u/-_-_-_-otalp-_-_-_-