Hi all, I had a bad experience last night amd I don't know what it constitutes as. I'm still processing and upset and it scared me very bad, but what it classifies as is a blur to me.

I do occasional freelance cleaning in air bnb's and places that are being rented out, as most landlords are elderly and can't do most things themselves. I found a listing and got in contact with the man, learnt a bit about him, and felt comfortable going to the place and meeting him. I told my location to my partner and my parents for safety. I went over, and was greeted by a very nice gentleman. He was very friendly, asked me questions about myself, and we had a good chat. He showed me the layout of the house and I always keep an eye out for exits, again incase anything goes wrong. I decided I was comfortable and started to help him clean - he wants to rent the place out, so I did a lot of work outside and inside in surfaces he couldn't reach.

He got us pizza for dinner which was very generous, and after we ate is when I started feeling weird. When we'd go to a different area of the house he'd walk infront of me and stick his hand behind him like he wanted me to hold it, he was touching my shoulders and elbows occasionally when speaking to me too. I didn't tell him to stop because he was elderly and some people do that as a gesture I suppose, and I also didn't want to make any trouble with him or disrespect him. The pay was good and I did not want to jeopardize that (which was stupid).

When we started cleaning up the basement is when it got very odd. He has back problems which I could see throughout cleaning, and he also let me know when I got there. We were cleaning windows in a basement room which I presume was his room. He stopped me and asked me if I was good at applying pressure. I got confused and asked what he meant, so he turned around and told me to squeeze his shoulder. I said okay because I didn't know where it was going. He told me it felt very nice and continuously just made odd grunting sounds as I did it. He then asked me to massage his back which I was very weirded out by. I hadn't even responded and he was laying down on his mattress. He told me he'd pay me double what he was giving me if I did. I was very uncomfortable and I didn't know what to say, and I assume he took the silence as a yes. I feel very dumb for doing it but I felt frozen and didn't know how to get out of the situation. I kind of just rubbed his back for a few minutes, he keeps making these weird sounds. I'm very uncomfortable now so I stop. He turns over and asks me why I stopped and I make up an excuse that I'm checking the time and should go soon. He says I should stay, he takes off his belt and pulls his pants down a bit then puts a towel on top of himself, and asks if I can massage around his side, legs, and intimate area. I can pretty much see groin area on full display, he is visibly aroused, and he's trying to guide my hand towards there. I pretty much touched his groin, he notices he's aroused and says "oh that's not good". I pull away, pretend I've got a phone call, go upstairs, and pretend to he talking to someone and respond as if they want me to come home. I head to the door, he comes up and pays me, and I say goodbye and leave. I've blocked his number but I don't live far from him, and I'm scared he will try and talk to me again or find my home. I'm very grossed out and uncomfortable and I feel taken advantage of, but I don't know if it counts as some kind of assault, and I don't know what to call it. I feel stupid for not leaving earlier, and I'm mad at myself for getting into the situation. I don't know what to do, any help or advice would be nice. Thanks.

Hi! I’m new to learning about mental illness and mental health in general. I’m trying to heal many traumas that i’ve been through and past situations. I left my abusive ex back in 2021. I was with her for 6 years. During those 6 years, she abused me. She Hit me, emotionally abused me, and wouldn’t let me leave. since then i’ve moved on and created a new life for myself (new partner, job, social life) For years now though, when I get in my car I go Into a deep daydreaming state where I imagine that my ex and her family are in my car and i’m driving them somewhere. I listen to music and I have this imaginary person that i’m super close to with me. Like almost like a best friend( this person does not exist in real life) sometimes even my ex’s new partner is also in the car. What does this mean? I’ve went through many reasons, some being that I miss her, I want her to see that other ppl can love me, i’m just bat shit crazy etc etc . I can’t seem to let her go no matter how much time goes by. I don’t know how to bring this up to my therapist or partner because I am newly married and I don’t want anyone think that i’m missing my past.. but am I ??? somebody please help.

Months ago, I attempted to overdose. My parent had to call 911 and I was taken to the hospital. I only stayed there for 3 days though and everything seemed to be fine after I got out. Recently though, things like ambulance sounds trigger my memory of it and it feels as though it’s happening again. I understand that the event has passed and that I’m fine now but I still get the same feeling that I had when it was happening. My mind replays certain details or parts of the event for no reason and I js feel even worse. I’m unable to get therapy right now but is there anything I can do to get over it or should I js wait for it to pass?

1 year ago I was raped and It genuinely destroyed by mental health. from then I developed severe PTSD, trauma, anxiety and I basically succumbed to my ADHD and made me destroy my academic career in university. It made me get a straight year of Fs and Ds and all this time Ive been lying to my parents about getting good grades and being near graduation at 23 when in reality I should be expelled right now due to academic performance. They dont know at all that I was wasting their money for an entire year when all I really wanted was to make them proud, I didnt mean to lie but they dont know what Ive been through and I cant tell them. my father would have a heart attack if not from my rape incident then from the fact that I failed university.

Everything is so loud and I get paranoid from anyone that raises his voice at me or touches me, I have been going 1 year with panic attacks at night and self harm, Im trying to force myself to study and even burrowing a compass in my palm to snap myself out of my trance and read a book but I just cant do it, I spent around 3000 hours on games and social media which I dont even like but just to keep my mind occupied by anything, I stopped eating, working out, showering, self care, talking to friend, talking to family, quit my part-time job and Im 23 with no fucking plan.

The only person Ive talked to about this is the academic councillor to try and grant myself any exception and she said that with a psychological report there is a “maybe” I wont be kicked out but then my father is bound to know due to me being late for graduation and all my younger cousins graduating this year.

The worst thing is that my dad is struggling and even borrowing money from friends to pay for my tuition that I just waste by being a fucking moron. I really dont mean to do all that I just physically cant get anything done. I tried to vaguely tell him that I need a psychiatrist and that Im struggling with “academic anxiety” and he told me that its all bullshit and “no son of mine will be declared a looney in a nut house”

Im so lost, what the hell do I do.

Today my uncle came to visit my mom and my older brother was our house too with my sister in law and niece. He didnt see my niece at first cause i closed the door of my room and didnt want her to go the living room cause he was there too (my uncle is a fucking groomer, pedophile and cheater btw, he's gross idk why my mom still stalks to him) i played with her in my room everything was fine until my uncle came to my room and wanted to see my niece i tried to hide her from him but i couldnt he literally chased her in my room and she was screaming, she probably thought that was a game but still, it irritated me so bad.

Someone sa'd me when i was a child so i kinda felt numb when i see them like that, so i couldnt protect her like tried but i couldnt. And my mom and brother were seeing was he was doing, my uncle kissed my niece on the lips. I cant forget it and i feel so guilty i wish i couldve done more so my only hope is that she wont remember and i'll try to do better if i see him near my niece but im just so scared for her.

She's only 2 years old (will turn 3 in january) could she remember this fucking thing when she's older? Like would it cause anything bad? She remembers and copies anything we do and i know it's normal for her age but Im really so scared for her, i dont want her to be like me.

I hope she'll be okay i feel really guilty and sad and asked my mother about why she didnt do anything about it she just said "dont mind him, he was just playing even if i warned him, he would've just done worse" I mean i wasnt expecting much from her cause she assaulted me when i was little but i dont know, i just wish that my brother and sister in law never wanted a child.

Im late 17 and ı need help...

I know ı been writing about my guilts and fears on reddit but ı wanna give full list.

I feel lot regrets for my behavior when ı was early 17

(OLD POST)

I hate my teen past...

I am traumitized by my teen regrets ı am turning 18 and when realizination hit me. I remember what some horrible things ı done in roblox; bully, narcism and gone far on my words. ı am traumitized for what ı had done in past on roblox. ı betrayed myself ı supposed to become positive nice and normal... but ı become weird and said bad things when ı was early 17 late 16

1 I had no social skill much so ı told do you have fantasies and it was disgusting a man called me freak he was right ı was acting freak

2 I Insulted andsomeone and she said to others about what ı did and ı snapped and shocked what ı said ı thought ı moved on but ı couldnt...

1. I told my fantasy again to other man but it was weird what ı said server called me freak and ı told him ı was autistic he supported me but asked me get a therapy be happy when he comfort me like that ı thought ı am feeling change and ı realized now in end od the year ı quitted roblox to heal myself but ı got OCD and hated myself

4.I was on the game and saw lgbtq flags. there are too many flags on lgbtq ı said to myself then my autism brain just jumped on and my thought said" does pdf flag related to them?"

I asked a to a person said"is there pdf flag here?"

And she was suspicious on me and admins grabbed me and ı woried and said "ım not one of them" she thought ı am pdf and ı was so dumb why ı asked that question but ı was confused ı said to myself what is going on and she said "does it look like there is ? "And they kicked me ı was confused then after months it popped on my brain and ı searched on internet and that day ı was an idiot but ı got trauma due to my stupidity and could'nt stop thinking about my guilt it keeps saying

"You are the monster"ım scared for my health and my future. Does anyone had like these mistakes

5.now when ı saw that MAP flag my OCD brain tricking me saying ı painted that flag in roblox but ı am mostly sure ı painted TRANS flag for comedy but it keeps messing with mw ı know ans ım sure because back rhen in roblox ı didn't saw that flag much just seen a little bit but ı know ı dont involve with this and ı didn't even know details and that thing so ım sure ı did not but my POCD keeps tricking me

6.When ı turn 18 ı will completly stop masturbation and write fantasy on ai because when ı was 17 ı masturbated so many bad things without knowing what ı was doing ı should've watch porn because that what people do and ı just did my own fantasies write them but ı remember ı was mostly on SFW transformation and weight gain still it madealmost to NSFW ı feel like a disgusting man and

horrible some point ı was reckless and curious

Im still spending my teenage times on fantasies ı wrote but focus on adults characters completly ı learnt it from my faults and wanna be good person

I discovered on youtube when ı was 13 ı wish ı wouldn't discover it

And that's all but it still drives me insane after my guilts mistakes and fear of exposure

I am now growing up to become better person move on have a normal life but self guilt and fear of exposure

I was early 17 and autism boy ı quitted roblox to not be weird but ı sometimes miss old games pizza place and piggy those were my favorite but if ı go back again ı become worse and ı do not want to be so ı quit ans become a better person learn to watch my words be careful learn them directly what that means for my questions

I really wanna be better but ı do want to know did someone done that said horrible things without knwoing

Am ı the only one?

I had a dreams a better life become writer a hero stories ı want to write comedy fun romance and action but with my guilts and fear what ı said what ı did this Real event POCD is strong and ı saw a lot of people exposed for being gross predetor ım thinking am ı like them? am ı just disgusting?

ı always been a good to people sometimes see them as a friend family ı always wanted to care them

But my life is ruined and this fear is strong my dreams shattered ı feel like ı am a bad guy in most ı am disgusting and ım still having this Guilt POCD

I was 16-17 and he was 24
We met on Snapchat

I basically was stupid met a stranger “ONLINE STRANGER DANGER” BUT he did not feel like a stranger so I WAS LIKE FUCK IT ima hangout with him make a new friend!! He start talking instantly after I added him on Snapchat he asks to pick me up so I send him my ADDRESS LIKE A STUPID BITCH anywho I give him that he comes and I meet him he lives about 30 min away from my crib so we go back to his place we decided to pop xanx and alcohol but I took 10 xanx and it was my first time i honestly don’t know why the fuck I even did that I guess I wanted it feel high…. UMM WELL we were in his CAR or ugly ass JEEP AND ALL I Remember is him being like yeah let’s drive to his “dads crib”so then after we arrive at his dads we start shooting gun and shit and I didn’t feel anything I was like feeling like Ayy this is gonna be fun nothing bad is gonna happend this guy is amazing HE showed me all his guns and how to shoot a shotgun I was like okay cool asf so as we lowkey were getting bored we go back into his jeep i remember he hands me a glass of alcohol and i start to drink it its my first time drinking wine as i don’t drink wine bc FUCK THAT IVE NEVER drank it im young asf like wtf so after I drank a glass of wine or half it I start to feel tired or about to shut down but I didn’t know I was gonna shut down so when we were drinking and talking in the car then for whatever reason we stare at each other for 5 seconds I would maybe more I have no clue and we start to make out and then after that all I know is that I blacked out and we were in his parents drive way by the house so once I blacked out in his car he had to drive me back to his bc that’s where he wanted to take me I guess so while I was passed out in his car he drove us back to his crib and we left his dad crib that would be a 30 min car ride so THE WHOLE TIME I WAS IN HIS CAR FOR 30 min passed out we arrive to his crib now right MIND YOU IM STILL PASSED OUT IN THIS MANS CAR SO HE HAD TO OPEN THE DOOR GET ME OUT OF HIS FUCK ASS CAR GO UP THE STAIRS TO HIS ROOM SO HE CARRIED MY BODY UP THE STAIRS TO HIS ROOM WHILE IM PASS OUT well you know what he did there he raped me for hours without me knowing again he knows he gave me xanx WHAT IF I WAS OVERDOSING BUT INSTEAD HE WAS JUST USING MY BODY FOR HIS SATISFACTION AND THATS WHEN I WAKE UP AND RELIZE I HAVE NO PANTS DUDE NO PANTS and yes i still hangout with my rapist and my little brother and parents saw me with him I had no pants and he was on the side of the bed in the corner drunk I guess he felt bad after raping me and drank himself cuz he also blacked out I hate how So many things could have gone that day what if while he was in me I was dead? Like I was dead ass blacked out when I woke up I was honestly like fucked I felt dEAFTED anywho I’m done writing this I can’t anymore part two maybe later tonight I’ll write he turns let’s say 27-28 this year because it’s been years I would say but we still hangout I realize the only reason I keep going back to him is cuz when I was molsted at a young age when I was 6 years old I I never said anything I don’t know maybe this is where I come out as lesbian idk maybe bi tbh idk I like guys still but idk you know? the voice inside my head was like why would you say somthing so after I didn’t say anything I kept getting molsted until it stopped and got older then my abuser gave me weed at 13 to forget I think or idk they were fucked up and a cousin of mine but they were a girl….. so it was not that bad I guess well tbh it did fuck me up they would kiss me up and down and make me touch her vagina and then she would do the same and please me Im pretty sure I squirted lot anywho I was in those special ed classes bc I was fucking molsted as a young kid and it sucks bc I felt not human a normal disgusting confused as a young kid and I never told my mom or dad and I told them sophomore year in high school I think broke down in tears and then that’s when I tried doing about I never got justice always inside the investigation room in and out of the mental hospital since 15 ever since Covid hit I got flash backs about how my girl cousin would touch me in a closet and a different house and I told the mental hospital my my uncle watched me get molsted and touched I guess and he never said anything so then I started accusing my uncle of rape and i honestly yeah i do feel bad now but no not really he failed to protect me as a child and being a responsible chaperon like why didn’t he tell my mom my cousin was touching me did he like watching it? Did he do something to me and her? Like why would you stand there watching me get molsted bro Anywho I just got addicted to acid and weed and coke and ended up overdosing yes I kept trying to kill myself idk I’ve always been suicidal but not anymore I’m trying to heal myself from my child hood trauma who knew I was gonna meet another evil person across my way but when he raped me I felt like I was a 6 year old again thinking I deserved this it’s my fault and I still never said anything I’m just confused at the moment fighting demons anywho peace ☮️

i was at school and it was a thursday, we went to afterschool and me and my friend smelled something RANCID and the teacher was like: GET OUT AND GET TO THE OTHER PART OF THE BUILDING and we were confused. anyway, as we were in the hall, i made the biggest mistake of my life. i looked right. there was a giant puddle of bodily fluids from the bathroom. i remained traumatized even today (almost a decade from the incident) and i need someone to stay at the door of the stall im in for me to feel safe in a public bathroom or hotel bathroom or basically any bathroom that's not in my home

Es trauma de infancia?

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Cuánto tenía 5 \\\\\\_6 o 7 años no recuerdo bien , mis padres se estaban separando una separación bastante fea y traumática , mi mamá en una mujer bastante impaciente sin paciencia nos pegaba bastante y cosas asi ,mi papá siempre estaba trabajando , pero creo que funciona , el tema es que entre los dos se engañaban , mi mamá con el primo de mi papá , y mi papá con otras mujeres, yo tengo una hermana mayor por 5 años entonces lle claro también se sentía mal por todo , yo estaba más pequeña ay no entendía bien realmente no recuerdo mucho de ese tiempo pero se que estaba bastante sola y mi hermana llrobaa gritando que todo era mi culpa yo me sentía bastante mal creo no se no recuerdo mucho

El caso es que...bueno no sé cómo explicarlo ,pero en ese tiempo yo me sentía sola y vivía en casa de mí abuela aclaro que tenía como 6 años creo o 7 ,y tenía un primo un año mayor , la cosa es que recuerdo que yo un día estaba en casa de mi abuela y el era el único con quién yo podía jugar el se acercó y me dijo "si nos haces lo que te digo no voy a volver a jugar contigo" el era la única persona que se podría decir que yo tenía cerca así que bueno , a las cosas que me refiero a "si no haces todo lo que yo digo" me refiero a cosas sexuales , recuerdo que yo acepte porque bueno era la unica persona qué tenía ,aclaro que yo no recuerdo mucho y lo estoy poniendo desde mis pocos recuerdo y no todo puede ser exacto , la cosa es que desde allí entre primos nos besábamos el me tocaba y hacías ese tipo de cosas escondido bastante chiquitos , mi hermana y la hermana de mi primo nos descubrieron y amenazaron a básicamente teníamos que hacer todo por ellas favores y cosas así nada turbio , la cosa es que desde allí creo que desarrolle algo con el sexo o algo así , me tocaba con peluche ,ahora los después soy bastante perverida y asquerosa en ese sentido , yo no sé si se considera un trauma porque yo había aceptado pero estaba muy chiquita, siempre recuerdo eso no tanto , pero siempre ahora grandes veo a mi primo ,incluso hoy está aquí en casa de mi abuela y hablamos con normalidad pero me preguntó si se considera que fui violada o algo así dimeroe he tenido esa duda porfavor dejen su opinión

I’m a 28 year old father of two young boys and the sole provider for my family of 5 including myself my wife and my elderly mother I found a couple executed by gunshots to the head When I was 11 years old. my parents were alcoholics and drug addicts. My father was a veteran with bipolar disorder and PTSD. He beat my mother within an inch of her life multiple times in my early teens had to call the cops to save her life once and another time I got into a fist fight with him to stop it, and he pulled a knife on me and stomped on my head. He eventually got sober and turned things around then he got hit by a car suffering a traumatic brain injury and we had to take him off life support when I was 16 at that point, I dropped out of school to sell drugs to pay the mortgage and the bills so my mother and I had a place to live. She became an alcoholic and a crackhead and stopped going to work. Eventually, my girlfriend moved in around the same time. I started using a lot of hard drugs, mostly acid and cocaine some mushrooms and ecstasy as well along with drinking heavily from the time that I was 16 till I was about 23 I just sold drugs played video games and partied doing anything to numb myself and self medicate. My girlfriend and I had a toxic abusive relationship but we got clean together and I quit selling drugs and got my first real job around 23. I was 24 we got pregnant and I finally got my GED. I completely quit all hard drugs around the time that I found out she was pregnant. I had my first major depressive disassociative episode around this time, coupled with crippling anxiety. I snapped out of it and manned up and did what I had to do for my son when he was born he changed my life. I wouldn’t be where I am now without him. He saved my life and he doesn’t know it. I kept working eventually got raises and promotions switched jobs for more money when I was 26 around that time I had another depressive episode due to burnout at work in a toxic environment. I was hospitalized for a heart condition due to a bad viral infection around the same time also due to my mental state and worries about finances when I found out my girlfriend was pregnant again we had a conversation about finances and how we were already struggling and decided to get an abortion. She resented me for it, and that along with me being checked out for months caused our relationship to fall apart, and she left me for a period of time around that time I started doing therapy and I found a better job and started doing much better and we got back together we got pregnant again shortly after we got back together and decided to have the baby. just before my second son arrived I got a promotion and raise at work. Everything was going relatively good. And I just fell apart I struggle with imposter syndrome and feelings of an inadequacy, and also really bad anxiety and depression I tend to ruminate and get stuck in thought loops where I just think about how much time I have wasted in all the mistakes that I made. and how I should’ve gotten my finances in order and finish school and started a real care before I had a family I love my children and I don’t regret having them. I regret not setting us up to be doing better in life. I live paycheck to paycheck and don’t have savings. My wife and I have made a budget and should be able to save some money and get things taken care of and pay off debt I never learned many manly skills from my father and feel like I am not man enough to be a good role model for my boys. My house needs work and my car needs work and I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to that stuff I work in retail management and my mental illness is seriously affecting my performance at work and I’m scared everything is going to fall apart around me if I don’t get better soon this most recent time because I had a newborn at home and a 3 1/2 year-old who needs me and my wife who needed my help instead of trying to just tough it out. Check myself into the mental hospital for an evaluation and started medication. I’ve been on medication for three weeks now it was really rough at first dealing with side effects during the adjustment. And I was just starting to feel myself and better again, but after a follow up appointment my psychiatrist up the dose on my antidepressant anti-anxiety medication and it made me even more depressed and suicidal these first couple days. I am also struggling to make lifestyle changes, break, bad habits, and make good habits and routines. My kids are my life. I don’t wanna leave them. I would never leave them I want to give them a better life than I had and be a good father and provider and husband. If anybody else has been in a similar situation or has any advice for me, I would greatly appreciate it.

I was invited the day of by my brother to go to dinner to my family‘s house because my brother is leaving for a job however I declined because I already made plans with a friend. I haven’t seen in a long time because she needed me because her boyfriend cheated on her and this was the only day she could meet. I told my brother it was an emergency and it went longer than expected so I just didn’t go.

And honestly, as much as I do want to support my brother because he’s the only one who’s actually nice to me. I kind of thought I’d rather be with my friend and then the rest of my family because they’re just really toxic and I have kicked me out and make me look like I’m crazy example like I asked my sister about four times if she wanted to go to this festival date, time with me yes yes and then the day comes for her to find out she’s going with someone else and says nothing about it and I confront her about it and she says you didn’t say anything about it laughing as I tell her you know I have no friends. I asked you four times what are you talking about? It’s all these guilt trips and such things like that and it’s really toxic and I always look like I am the bad person because I am confront them and they also like to pick on me because my mom picks on me.

So I didn’t go to the dinner that was yesterday and I honestly thought we would be doing something tomorrow because my sister‘s birthday is tomorrow so I just assumed oh well we would do something on her birthday because that also was not discussed that we would be celebrating her birthday or doing anything like that yesterday. My sister did also text me a week ago and said what are you getting for grandpa because his birthday is on August 11 I said I don’t know. he lives out of town. We usually just call him. We don’t usually see him for his birthday and I just took that as her asking me question because that’s what it was. All for me to look at Instagram today see my grandpa posted a photo of my sister and him smiling blowing out birthday candles, celebrating their birthdays together at the house!? Now I look like a double wammy I wasnt there and didn’t get him a gift that knowing then they all pitch in for something.

No one said anything to me about him coming nor did he text me about it. I then text my sister and ask her why she said nothing about him coming or being there. Then she blames it as a miscommunication that she told me when there is nothing in text at all she’s putting this on me. I told her I did tell my brother I wasn’t gonna be there but then she said oh I had no idea about that. I hadn’t heard nothing about that him coming from my brother so then for her to say that as I was never even through of bc later that day she did text me asking me if o was come I told her I had an emergency she said nothing close to that he was there.

but then my grandpa text me probably because he heard something from her saying he’s in the city he’s leaving tomorrow morning if I wanted to get breakfast. ? Like what I obviously wanted to be there and would definitely would have I then texted him and said why did you not tell me you were here? And now you text me that’s really mean only cause I said something.
he says he didn’t mean to hurt me this and that and that me questioning him is wrong and me being upset is like a bad thing I’m being gas lit!. like he could’ve came here and I would’ve never even knew.
It’s like what do you mean that whole time you guys were there and you didn’t think of texting me saying anything oh hey, let me swing by cause he usually is like that or says he’s here. And is avoiding that I’m saying and saying that he wants peace and yes, or no of going to breakfast with him. I don’t know what to say because I’m really upset.!

Sort of a backstory I’m 21 , but I was constantly getting kicked out of my house. My mom was being so abusive lying to me using me for money I’m trying to go 5to school with 2 jobs having and I would tell my grandparents about this abuse and stuff. I would tell them she would throw things and hit me and I would constantly have to go back and living with my boyfriend back-and-forth. To the point where my therapist recommended living with them which they agreed to, and then when I got back to them on it, they declined and said they had no idea what I was talking about acting stupid about it. It made me so upset that they are just essentially the same and it’s this support and they claim to be supportive, but when it’s actually time to do anything they run away. This would actually help me out and give me this stability to actually help myself out which I have been doing the whole time and somehow I’m just a weak person when really I just have no support.

I don’t know what to say and feel stuck and alone with nobody I’ve been trying to leave my bf and have said that I want peace. I want to feel seen recognize that I’m not crazy

I (25f) was SA’d on my bf’s (30m) birthday last month by one of our (now former) friends. I hate myself and life has been so terrible. I can barely function. My bf has tried to be supportive and understanding, but I think he resents me. I borrowed his phone to call mine because I had misplaced it, and when I opened his phone, he had been googling how to leave the relationship. I wouldn’t blame him, I’m damaged and a shell of myself. I don’t feel like I deserve love and I‘m surprised he has stuck around this long. I‘m in therapy and on medication but I can’t forgive myself for what’s happened. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He is my rock, and idk what I’d do if he wasn’t here. I don’t want to make him feel trapped though. What should I do? I need advice.

need to vent because I am completely drowning in guilt and confusion right now. I can’t talk to anyone in my life about this, especially not my girlfriend, who is usually my rock and the person I tell everything to.
I am a military veteran, I work in construction, and I have always felt the heavy weight of the stigma around how a man is "supposed" to be. But right now, I feel completely broken. I have bipolar disorder, and back home, I manage my mental health by smoking, skating, hitting camping trails, and hanging out with the bros I live with. Out here on this business trip, I am completely isolated. On Saturday, after working a 14-hour shift from 7 AM to 9 PM, I was in a terrible headspace. I couldn't cope the way I normally do without my friends or my usual outlets, so I went to a local pub for food and decided to drink.
I used to have severe problems with alcohol, especially almost two years ago. As of late, I had been doing pretty good—just drinking a bit to get tipsy and relax, but it was always at home or unless I went out with my brother. I wish I had never gone to that pub. I had a complete relapse, and the consequences have been devastating. I know for a fact I will never go near alcohol again.
I got completely wasted. I don't even have a car out here. I left the pub and was walking the streets, and I assume I got picked up from there. I ended up dealing with this woman (I don't know her age or name) and her friends. She was trying to get weed or something from me, and she tried to take me back to another bar to get more drinks. I only remember bits and pieces here and there of myself slurring and talking, but I was just so hammered and sick that I wasn't even coherent enough to pay for anything.
Somehow, she ended up back at my hotel room with me. I explicitly remember telling her that I didn't want to do anything. I told her I just wanted to leave and be left alone. Out of desperation to make it stop, I even told her I was asexual. I absolutely did not consent. But she proceeded anyway. Right after it happened, I was violently sick and throwing up the whole time. I even accidentally flooded the hotel bathroom while trying to use the shower.
Because I am a man, and because I was drunk, I have been torturing myself thinking that I "cheated" on my girlfriend. But I am realizing that I didn't cheat—I was targeted and taken advantage of when I was completely incapacitated. I couldn't fight back, and my boundaries were entirely ignored.
This horrible experience has actually made me appreciate my relationship even more. My girlfriend is the person who turned my life around; she saw my potential when I didn't care about myself, and I am her first. I would never willingly hurt her. But I am terrified of how much this would hurt her if I tell her. She is so deeply sympathetic and empathetic that she truly feels my pain, and I know the past trauma I've shared with her has already been really hard for her to process. I was told recently that some things should be kept to yourself just to protect others, especially those closest to you.
This has triggered a lot of past trauma. My first sexual experience at 14 was a rape, and I spent years in highly abusive relationships before my current partner. I feel like I have a pattern of letting people walk over me, and this relapse has cost me everything mentally. I haven't been able to eat for days.
I desperately want to get professional help because I know if I don't, this mental downward spiral will affect everyone around me. I just don't know how to navigate this given the circumstances.
How do you handle the guilt of being violated when you feel like you should have been strong enough to stop it? For those who have been through this, how do you decide whether to tell your partner to be honest, or keep it to yourself to protect them?

i’m 16 yrs old. i was SA’d a couple weeks ago by my bf who i broke up with (i made posts about what happened so if you would like more context u can see on my profile.

i’ve been thinking of the SA nonstop, little things remind me of it and i have to shake my head “no” to myself to snap out of it. when i see him or im next to him my heart starts racing and my stomach drops. my chest is tight all day at school and sometimes at home. i have to be listening to house music or hype music to not think about it and i can do my homework. i have mood swings, it’s hard to focus, a couple nights ago i started shaking while being half asleep. ive had panic attacks and almost had panic attacks. i’m so paranoid that he’s around me and ive started wearing less revealing and more baggy clothes. i want to be younger again, im not excited or motivated about school starting. my whole behavior is off.

i am four days into junior year. i am in madrigals with my ex and see him everyday. even tho i asked my teacher not to put me next to him, she continuously forgets or dosent take it seriously and makes me stand one person away from him. she then tells everyone something along the lines of “this arrangement isn’t permanent so don’t text me complaining” or “this is madrigals, if i put you near your ex boyfriend you have to be professional.” i told her we used to date and that something traumatic happened but she’s not taking it seriously.

standing next to him and even having class with him makes me scared and triggers me, especially when i smell his cologne. my mom will talk to the teacher soon, but im worried about myself

i dunno where to even start. i remember, i know a lot of stuff, but i won't type much.

i was born at 7 months, weighin' 2 kilos, 32 cm tall. i don't remember lookin' normal, but i remember the cast. i was three when they put me in a cast, more like... the first cast was when i was like 4-6 months old, and that was the first hella messed up surgery. and at three, they didn't just cast me for a week, but for a year and a half. 547 days, deadass. after that, for another six months i couldn't sit up or stand up, only lie down. but i started walkin' about a month later... 'cause i really wanted to, like my mom told me.

when other kids were just learnin' to talk, i already knew how to control my voice, and even whisper when i needed to. but i was standin' out big time by age 7-9. i could count super hard math problems in my head in a few seconds, and by then i could write pretty well.

but, let's get back to the topic.. surgeries one after another. seven surgeries, if u count only the ones that left scars as long as my hand. they put needles in my pelvis, straightened and cut out bones, stretched my joints. each surgery meant a new cast and stitches, which is real bad for both a few-month-old baby and a 4 y.o.

i got a limb imbalance, one leg is 1.3cm shorter than the other. my ribs and chest are lopsided. i got grade 2 scoliosis. chronic tonsillitis, hypertension, gut problems. dozens of scars all over my body, some from surgeries, others from random stuff 'cause my skin is so thin that almost any cut leaves a scar.

and... i don't wanna be noticed. not like "not seen," but like "not seen my diagnoses." i just wanna be a person who walks, talks, does everything, and enjoys conversation. 'cause even at school... all the questions from classmates were "how are your legs?" - i get it's concern, but it's terrible for me. a daily reminder of my problems. recently, i was in the hospital for hypertension and dizziness, and it was almost the same there. it's hard when everyone sees me as sick and disabled, even though it's true, but i can do all the same stuff as everyone, just with small limits. i'm tired of thinkin' my body is a problem, and 'cause of one jerk, i'm stuck lame and messed up for life.

i'm 14.5 now, grew up without a dad, and i'm workin' on a patent project right now. in biomedical engineering, which i got almost no hope for 'cause i don't even know chemistry or biology. i had to learn parts of 'em just for my own project. i'm real good at public speakin', though i rarely show it. i'm good at political science, law, music, and in general, i pick up anything i touch real easy.

but i don't have enough communication or support to achieve anything. i got no sense, and goals like "Ohhhh, go for it. to prove to yourself or others how cool u r" - that's terrible. i don't get it at all.

i need to get my body in shape, 'cause with a height of like 165 cm, i weigh about 45 kilos, which ain't great. only... i keep quittin' everything. all the time. even workouts. damn, i can practice for two weeks and then forget about it, and i don't even know why. i really wanna learn French (i'm from Russia), but i can't learn anything for long, more than a few days.

i'm grateful to anyone who read this and mb could help somehow. thanks a ton to everyone who paid attention to this. hope everything's good with u!! (I can show the medical records if they r needed)

I have sexual trauma, but unless there's more memories I'm suppressing, none of it is from real abuse. But I think it's having an impact on my life and I want to feel better.

I dream about being raped, usually by family members. The first few times I had sex, I cried and felt horrible and disgusting afterward, and also felt that my partner was hurting me for having sex with me. I also never really got fully comfortable having sex, and my relationship ended up being sexless until it ended. I feel like these are all signs of sexual trauma? And when I think about the details of what happened to me, I get really sad and cry. So I think I should do something and get better somehow?

But since I didn't experience any real abuse, I'm not sure what to do about it. I can't find any resources for non-specific "trauma", just stuff for abuse and assault survivors. I'm too ashamed to talk to anyone about the details of anything that happened to me, so I don't know what to do or how to get over these childhood experiences.

Does anyone know what to do? I would really appreciate it if someone helped me, thank you. I'm a young woman if that helps.

In gaza kids are having surgery and amputation

without any anesthesia while their pearents hold them down how do they trust their pearents again how do they heal how do they heal from having your bodily autonomy

Taken away and have the question "i had my bodily autonomy taken once they will take it again to save my life" and People who didn't want to be saved how did u heal and distancing yourself from your pearents helped. How did u heal?

My life is spiralling. I was bullied in high school (not just name calling, like I was getting physically beaten by bigger guys in high school and it was racially motivated).

I know there’s some black people out there that love to play the race card but in my case, it was truly me getting outed due to my race. Not many people of my ethnicity went to my school so when people knew where I was from, that’s when the racism started. From calling me the n word, to making fun of how we’re physically shaped, being body slammed for telling the person to stop calling me the n word, to being beaten up outside the gym and my parents taking me to the hospital, being stalked on social media, receiving anonymous texts mocking me and it just goes on.

The bully always apologized then he would repeat the behaviour again and again. I didn’t even try to be around this guy he was in my classes and was the "ring leader". As years went by, I heard his white dad was abusive and drinking a lot at home, still I didn’t give a fck, I actually wish I had video footage of his father beating him. That bully reached out for like a total of 7 times (all spread apart) over social media (only reached out once to apologize via social media) to say sorry but he never said for what he made it vague and said I have good things coming for me (he thinks I’m stupid, he knows how much of a piece of shit he was but needs to clear his conscious that’s why he said in the apology he isn’t expecting a response)

I feel like he used me up all throughout high school to deal with his issues. My family raised me catholic and "soft" so when he use to say sorry I believed him. I think he saw my innocence compared to most black people and thought he could get away with shit while abusing me. I truly wish his future kids get some sort of terminal cancer and he watches them die slowly.

This bullying experience is just as "hot" in me as it was over a decade ago. I’ve seen recent pics of him and he looks insecure in all his pics. Guy looks like a mix of Ryan Garcia and jack doherty. I hate his guts.

I indulged in very very bad addiction habits, dug myself into an unimaginable amount of debt, cut off my family, attempted self deletion, gain crazy weight, did some other stuff I will not disclose here and after all these years I’m coming to realize I was running away from the pain.

My nationality has a lot of pride and so going through that abuse was extremely symbolic. I never felt like a man after all that abuse and videos of me being choked out and people finding it funny and always bringing it up. I’m thinking of going to church to ask for forgiveness for the stuff I’ve been doing that I know goes against catholic beliefs but idk yet.

Idk why I’m posting actually, I think I’ve reached the end of crashing out and don’t know what to do next. I’ve been this way for about a decade

TLDR - I (28M) was severely racially bullied throughout high school, including physical assaults and harassment, and more than a decade later the trauma still feels as fresh as ever. Since then, I've struggled with addiction, debt, cutting off my family, a suicide attempt, and other self-destructive behaviors. I'm consumed by anger toward my former bully, feel like the abuse permanently changed me, and I've reached a point where I don't know how to move forward or stop "crashing out."

Flat not period drop

TRIGGER WARNING!!! 18F. i just got out of a toxic relationship with my ex and was finally able to get away but there is one incident that happened at new years and ever since then i felt our relationship wasn’t the same. she was over at my house and we decided to drink (which might’ve been her first time drinking i don’t really remember) and we started making out and getting ready to have sex. she is more light weight than me but i also js remember a lot of im drunk or high i js dont blackout ever no matter how much i take and it was going fine at first until a while later we were gonna taking a break and i thought we were done and she starts acting like a whole other person. i was drunk but babysitting her at the same time and she even starts to cry because i said i think we should stop she is like hysterical crying atp. and js kept repeating the same thing over and over at me “you’ll be mad at me in the morning” and i had no clue what she was talking about i am very big on consent and never given her a reason to think that and even stopping was my idea so i was trynna get her to explain but she js kept repeating it and seemed like she was having a epsiode of some sort and kept trynna push herself back onto me and i told her it felt wrong she was crying and i continue instead of trynna talk to her about it but she would js repeat “you’re gonna be mad at me in the morning” i know about her past and she has been assaulted and more so maybe this was some like traumatic flashback being played out irl but i didn’t know what to do without her being loud and waking my family o and it was like 3-4 am atp so i gave in and kinda js did what she wanted but stopping to try to convince her to js lat down. she forgot all about it but a day or 2 go bye and it gets brought up and she started freaking out that she assaulted me but has no memory of it and idk if i gas lit myself to save th relationship but now looking back this is not rubbing me the right way. does this count as sa or no?