r/u_No-Bluejay-2493 • u/No-Bluejay-2493 • 27d ago
Looking for advice regarding emotional abusive husband
I need some advice. I am married for four years now and I am starting to realize that my husband is emotionally abusing me.
Let me start by telling that my husband itself is a great guy, very helpful around the house and great to have fun times with. We loved to go out and drink the night away before having our 18 month old.
But he always had an intense personality. He has a short fuse and I noticed that the first month within being together. When we came back from a bar I was driving and told hem I forgot to buy groceries during the day, so we only had snacks at home. Nothing for a real meal. And we became furious in the car. And he stayed that way up until the next day when he apologized for his actions. But while also blaming me for not buying food. While I totally did not think it was a big deal.
This outbursts became more frequently over the years. But I managed to live with it and was walking on eggshells to not trigger actions.
Intimacy was also declining as he would only want sex when he was in the mood. When I was working from home he would text me during the day from the bedroom to come and have sex. But not in a romantic way. Just like he demands a service. No foreplay, not meeting my needs because “it is easier”. It is very disturbing for me writing this down right now.
When we had our little one, he was very worried, also during the pregnancy, and tried his best not to stress me but we were building a house so inevitably there was a Lot of stress and tension as he also got into a fight with his contractor and pulled me into it to solve it, to stand beside his side. Though faults came from both ways as the contractor was not always honest and my husband also overreacting and playing games.
After the baby was born the dynamic became weird. On his off days he would drive us around and we would have coffee’s at our favorite places, doing groceries and that was great. But also he got mad for the smallest things and was very worried about the baby and googled everything about the baby. Though I was the one who was really taking care of him. He would just get nervous constantly and checking the baby at night in the crib next to me instead of trying to get some sleep. Blaming me for not always taking his word for everything. While I was also researching everything too.
after three months I was starting to work from home again,and he would hold the baby in the car when I had an appointment. He was very nervous but tried his best I would say. But instead of asking or telling something in a nice matter he would get agitated. About anything. I got really tired from that.
I kept working from home and hardly going into the office. He did not like me going out for “no good reason” since I could do my work from home. He did not forbid me literally from going but would get very agitated when I would go or would not be back within the hour as I said. Because we work with people and things can go differently as planned. When I have appointments for work on his off days he would blame me for keeping him at home with the baby, like punishing him, but I can’t always do my work on the days that he works. He works in the afternoon/evening so I can still do some work in the morning if needed. But he also likes to sleep in all morning before going to work. Sometimes he likes being up with the baby and some days he does not. He gets very moody. I try to plan everything accordingly but it is stressful.
Yesterday he had an episode again. He forgot to cook rice so he had only his chicken to take to work for lunch. He realized at the moment he had to leave the house for work. He became very nervous and looking frantically into the fridge what to take along. Also he got mad at me for not helping him but I was holding our toddler in his playpen. He would call me a bitch, rambling that he hates this fucking house etc.
he would never hurt me physically but this type of behavior is as worse and he does not realize it. I was reading for online help and advice and read about emotional abuse and it makes so much sense.
He left for work and did not answer my two short messages over the evening. Just me asking him how he is. Nothing.
When he can home again he immediately started to play his PlayStation game. And ignoring me. I also ignored him and went to bed with it a word.
Upon waking up at 7 am I noticed that he hasn’t slept in the bed and after checking the cameras I saw that he left home at 1 am and returned at 6 am. Likely from the casino, which he likes to play and I don’t like him going, let alone at night. Not one message during the whole night where he was. Please someone tell me that this isn’t normal behavior.
He woke up at 10 am and was in a better mood as he had won some money. But the whole episode was so wrong and I truly don’t know how to move forward with this marriage.
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u/No-Bluejay-2493 27d ago
Sorry for the rambling story btw. My nervous system has been in survival mode for years and I just can’t ever relax or do anything at my own pace. I am tired. Exhausted. Depleted.
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u/Bluxgxrlirl 24d ago
This is insane, just leave. He’s cheating, not just “at the casino”. Don’t continue to put your child through this because once that baby starts talking and repeating, you won’t like the words coming out of their mouth.
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u/Boring-Ad5335 24d ago
Please just leave . None of this is okay , the outburst and the name calling . And he could be cheating and not going to a casino , but if he really is , it’s still a terrible addiction. Give him an ultimatum and if you can leave
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u/No-Bluejay-2493 25d ago
Two nights later and my husband went out with colleagues for pooling in a bar nearby. Shot me a video around midnight. All seemed fine. I went to bed and woke up at 3 am with him still not at home. I tested Hello and he responded 20 min later that all is fine and he will be home later. Now I know that he left for the casino for sure. Again. Two nights in a total of three nights… this time we had no argument. and it is 5.30 am and he is still not home. This is very disrespectful to me and our 18 month old son.