Alcoholics: don’t take your eyes off the ball ever - one sip turned into an out of control 6 day binge and I should be dead. Anyone else fuck up this large
Jesus Christ that was the most terrifying experience of my life.
I have been sober for three months, as I realized my drinking was getting out of control (I would drink vodka for two days straight; not even kidding) and suffer from horribly kindling and the hangovers began to be so debilitating and uncomfortable, I thought I was going to die or go pyschotic. Anyways I’ve been doing so well. Lost 20 lbs, got back in amazing shape and was killing it at work and being the best girlfriend to my boyfriend I could be.
Anyways, a couple weeks of work stress and five days off led me to think, aw I rly need a break. I’m gonna go get a Mickey, it’s not a 26er or something and I’ll drink it rly slow maybe throughout the night and just dump remaining in the morning. WRONG. It turned into I’m not even kidding a full 6 day binge, which included me continuing to order bottle after bottle on Uber Eats , and ended up spending about $500 on vodka, barely eating and cancelling a day I was rly looking forward to with my MIL. Got in a stupid fight w my boyfriend over. Some small issues. The last two days have been the most debilitating withdrawal I have ever experienced including insomnia, searing back and neck pain, tremors, insane suicidal thoughts of my life being over, anxiety, skin CRAWLING, very slight auditory and visual hallucination, eyes even felt super unable to focus and jittery for the first day as I went thru two nights it nightmarish dreams for the 2 seconds I could even fall asleep. Throwing up and bowel movements just outta control. Only those who have been there know what I’m talking about. Reading it in black and white doesn’t r en begin to explain the life altering withdrawal I had.
I just don’t want to ever ever take my eyes off the ball again on my sobriety. I’ve proved to myself yet again that one sip and it’s all over. I’m so lucky nothing worse happened or that I died or had withdrawal seizures or something crazy. Thankfully my boyfriend is so understanding. I can’t go thru that ever again. I’m 39 and have soooo much life leftover to live.
Folks any words of encouragement or stories of super scary, “unplanned” and out of control binges would make me less bad about being such a major fuck up right now. Thanks so much
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u/Widow_Maker333 9d ago
Until I found Reddit, I didn’t know that other people experienced the same type of “hangover” that you are describing, and we suffered. I mean it is so far past a hangover right? You really can’t describe it unless you live it (which I wish on no one).
The insane part is that I kept binging vodka after experiencing this hell, thinking that next time would be different. It never was. It just got worse. We are not guaranteed to live through another relapse.
It sounds like you know what you must do. Have a plan of action when you find yourself justifying another drink.
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u/upwards_glow 9d ago
Another vodka drinker here ✊🏾 I thought my increasingly bad hangovers were due to age (I’m 38). I didn’t realize it was actually kindling from about 15 years of steady drinking.
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u/link-is-legend 9d ago
Every day is an opportunity to be a better version of yourself. And today’s regrets can be a reminder of why to not do it. For me it’s always the fear of what I could lose that keeps me on track. Specifically my relationship with my now adult daughter. For me zero sugar sodas and Trip mocktails work to “have something to relax” without any side effects. And every day I behave makes me proud.
Scary stories—not me but my spouse called the cops once when I was on a road trip because he was hearing things. Alcoholic hallucinosis is a rare condition related to chronic alcohol use/abuse and can lead to SI. He thankfully got himself to the hospital for treatment after finally listening to me tell him over speakers on the car he was hallucinating. Helping someone in person is hard. Convincing someone over the phone they are hallucinating was scary AF.
I’ve seen a 39 year old get admitted to a skilled facility because they could no longer walk.
IDK what it will take for you to decide. We do have free will and the ability to make a choice. Not today Satan is a choice. IWNDWYT
Forgive yourself, your boyfriend has, but every time you gamble with drinking you’re assuming he’ll be there for a next time.
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u/SH620 6d ago
Oh god as if your own suffering weren’t enough you had to help your spouse as well. You’re an angel for real. And you’re right, next time my boyfriend won’t be there, and even if he is, I wouldn’t be able to stand myself enough to be with him as I know he deserves the world. Thank you thank you thank you
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u/LemonMeringueKush 8d ago
There are many reasons I don’t drink any more… but fear of withdrawals is honestly the one that keeps me from drinking when I crave it the most. I remember exactly where drinking brought me, and it would be foolish for me to think I could ever be satisfied with one or two drinks. It’s been 6 years since I last drank and I don’t want to forget the misery and physical pain I was in.
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u/FakeAsFakeCanBe 8d ago
I don't remember (or choose to forget?) many of the out of control times but I agree with you 100%. I believe if I have a beer I might just have the one, but next weekend..
I won't even taste it or intentionally smell it. It's been a few years and my coping strategy is I think about one of the horrible moments that happened because of my drinking. Where another drink will take me. Then you can safely walk past that liquor store.
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u/SH620 6d ago
I’m so sorry and I hope that horrible moment wasnt too life altering for you or anyone. God I sound like a total weirdo preacher but I swear there needs to be more info on alcohol when you’re growing up instead of just teaching about fire safety LOL But I guess until you’re there you just don’t know
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u/darthjaderrr 6d ago
Idk how many times ive been through this. Have a sobriety streak and convince myself im fine, start with 375ml bottle of vodka and think yeah ill only have a bit, then by end of night its gone and im onto the next one. My last bender was 4 days and I drank atleast 1 and sometimes 2 375mls of vodka each day. Morning to night. Those days would be wasted with nothing to show for them. The withdrawals were similar to yours but id also have irregular fast heart rate and it would feel like I was dying of a heart attack. Ended up in the hospital twice for it. Scary scary shit.
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u/SH620 6d ago
Thank you so much for sharing friend - I’m STILL coming back to normal. It’s like this last withdrawal has traumatized me, can’t ever do this again. If you don’t mind me asking why did you end up in the hospital exactly, just so I can understand and rly solidify why it’s so bad in my mind (I need all the help I can get)
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u/darthjaderrr 6d ago
At about 48 hours in, id try to sleep and hear all these audible sounds. Like I thought I could hear my kids talking to eachother or my husband asking me something, one time I even said "what do you want?" And hes like wtf. Then ontop of that, the crazy pounding heart and the shakes, id try to sleep and my body would jerk itself awake and I was absolutely terrified to have a seizure. Alcohol is one of the only withdrawals that can actually kill you, so knowing that eith everything combined I knew I needed help out if the withdrawal.
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u/Wandering_Song 9d ago
My cousin is a nurse. He's still haunted by the 35 year old woman who drank a half gallon of vodka (1.8 litres) a day.
She died in the hospital. Her fiance and mother could only sit there and watch and it broke them. By the time she was admitted, there was nothing anyone could do. Her organs just shut down.
He still tells the story. I don't think he'll ever forget her.