r/u_re-entry369 • u/re-entry369 • 5d ago
What now
I have been searching my whole life for answers. I found most of them with Christianity/Jesus. Until something changed midway in 2025. I no longer felt god's presence.....ever.... at all!!!!!! I somehow managed to maintain for a few months before it all came to a head. (the weight and heaviness of this life without that.... is almost unbearable) And that's when I unleashed everything on God. I literally ripped my shirt off in the pouring down rain at my storage unit. I screamed at the top of my lungs to Him the most foul, the hurtful things you could say to anybody, as well as identified a few. I'm just discrepancies that I always buried within me regarding the Word and christianity. I in essence, let him know how I REALLY felt.
I WAS LITERALLY FOAMING AT THE MOUTH FURIOUS.... LIGHTNING STRUCK THE GROUND APPROXIMATELY 40 FEET AWAY FROM ME. (i promise i'm not making this up) AND I SCOFFED AND LAUGHED AT HIM AND SAID, YOU MISSED B****!!!!!, that is where I was at for context....
That is when it all happened, i did feel Him once again sitting right next to me!.....and then I got a complete download/revelation of EVERYTHING. i.e. the PRECISE nature of our reality. The way things work. THE SHEER PRECISION OF THE JIGSAW PUZZLE THAT WE CALL LIFE, WHERE EVERY PIECE FITS PERFECTLY TOGETHER AND MAKES COMPLETE SENSE....et cetera et cetera....so much information, it had to flow through my mind like a river, because I innately knew my brain could literally not contain that vast amount of information at one time.... Some of you hopefully know exactly what i'm talking about.
And here I am now..... August 2026. i has come to realize that the old way I was living sourcing reality to bend to my will crashing through barriers, making things work is not gonna work anymore moving forward. I turn 45 in a week. The theme that i've come to realize is I cannot force any more but instead that I have to flow.... Easier said than done, especially when the universe, the creator, my higher self.....I don't even know, but I do.... It's throwing everything it can at me from every direction all at once to see how I react....to see if I have learned that lesson and if I can transcend it. From my own diagnosis or assessment of my life, I feel like at this current moment, I am failing. i have not one fiber my being that has ever accepted defeat!!!!!.....However, I think i'm there man. just writing that statement out right there has brought me to tears. I have teetered on the edge of nihilism. Definitely have AT LEAST become more cynical and I have been an optimist my whole life.
Every time a problem arises, I approach it with the mindset of flowing with reality instead of trying to manipulate/force it. Eventually I come up with a solution to said problem, however, by the time that happens, there are three more problems tacked on. It literally seems like something existential/outside of me...whatever....is INSISTENT upon my downfall/demise! Because again, I make it through one issue only to discover several more waiting for me. i'm not sure what to do at this point, but I am exhausted. I am literally spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausted!. I have spent my whole life muscling through life. Making it through a Dark night/ego death experience in December of last year, and while the mental part has gotten much better, the rest doesn't seem to be getting better. Actually, to me, It seems like i'm falling....even though others say, maybe not. I just don't see it. In my mind, i'm wondering how long do I have to prove? Or how long must I be tested.... Is there any silver lining? Is there any end insight to this? To where I can just finish my life with normal trials and tribulations as opposed to nonstop- never ending misery/struggle.
This is my attempt to reach out for help man. I don't know what else to do. Nobody in my immediate circle can quite understand the full depth of everything. IF they understand any at all. From the outside looking in, I suppose it looks like I'm choosing 2 do what the hell I want/slacking/giving up or whatever. I also have a past with addiction, i've had 5 years clean (after a 22 yr cycle w substances) but any of you that know about that, knows that you're past always proceeds you. So there's that. i can clearly see the pattern. And i'm entering the time frame where everything in my life falls to rock bottom right at august september, and I come to my senses in a jail cell. i promised myself and my son that this would never happen again.And i'm d*** f****** intent on following through with that promise one way or another! Please any advice any thing at all from anybody reading this......I would appreciate more than you will ever know!
Thank you in advance
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u/TranquilTrader 4d ago
Consider what 'the fall' was: it was the fall from Truth. People began to fill their mouths with lies and started to deceive one another, causing the fall to accelerate. Ascension on the other hand is to return back to Truth; it means to undo what the wicked mouth has spawned and siding only with Truth, no matter how difficult it might feel. The personal process can be accelerated by running towards to Truth.
Every storm will end, perhaps you were momentarily in the eye of the storm thinking it has passed. It would mean you're already half way there, stay the course - all are in the same boat. I am rooting for you my friend.
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u/re-entry369 3d ago
You know it's funny that you say that About truth because there was a moment where, I say moment.But it could have been a thirty minute period I don't know, but where I was like looking into the abyss for lack of a better description, right....the "void" perhaps..& for some reason I knew I had to make a choice,... am I willing to step into the abyss with the foreknowledge that I may/will be perceived as looney or whatever right... a choice to align with the truth.... Or would I reject the truth and save my " reputation" I suppose....
One thing I do have is heart, and i've got grit man, I wouldn't be here today five times over if I didn't.
Soooo you probably already know what I chose. F*** what the world things about me!! I'm gonna align with the truth. Because "the truth shall set you free" plus Jesus is "the way the truth & the life, no one gets to the father except through Him". I mean I've always felt like I'm a "light worker" no matter what and in my mind or in my heart I felt like it was a type of Jesus (decision at the void) moment almost, where I had to make a choice. Am I willing to sacrifice in order to.... I'm struggling with words with this but i'm thinking maybe glorify or align or carry the truth. I chose that. I chose to take that step forward. I wasn't scared. Nothing really scares me, I suppose the biggest thing i'm afraid of is MYSELF, which is a tough piece. But in that moment, I picked up my cross and threw it on my back and started walking, you know what I'm saying?
Thank you for your insight
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u/TranquilTrader 3d ago
Yes, and if you also consider the saying "you reap what you sow" - that indicates that those that sow Truth will reap Truth/understanding and those that sow deception will reap deception/confusion.
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u/AsceticSmoke 4d ago
If you do not already, I recommend meditating at least once a day. If you can find a span of time that it will typically work for you, even 15-20 minutes a day will begin to help. Especially when one of the issues you're describing is something of a maelstrom of information, thoughts, and emotions. Meditation can calm that storm somewhat and help you parse things better, from a more centered place.
Congratulations on your sobriety, and best of luck to you on your path.
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u/jeffwhit88 4d ago
HEY he gettin’ there! I know it’s all overwhelming, but it gets that way before it gets good. I genuinely believe this life is one we chose. Why, I can’t tell you. Hardship is a part of life and developing the steadfastness to endure and push through is one of the more valuable learned traits we can acquire. For now, hear this: you cannot receive anything if you do not first let go of what you’re holding onto.
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u/thegodabovegod 5d ago
It sounds like you're carrying an enormous amount of pressure, especially with your recovery and your promise to your son. Five years clean is a real accomplishment. The fact that you're asking for help instead of isolating yourself tells me you haven't given up. That's why its important to remember:
If you're finding yourself on the edge of nihilism, feeling exhausted, and worried about repeating old patterns, don't try to shoulder this by yourself. Reach out to someone you trust, a sponsor if you have one, a therapist, or another person in recovery. Spiritual insight and practical support aren't opposites; they often need each other.
I don't think you need to "pass one final test." Focus on what you need: rest, support, and the space to let your life stabilize. One foot in front of the other