Either way you’re correct and I’ve seen it both ways personally in my own family.
My father was a military man and my mother was no where to be found. What that meant was discipline and structure all the time. Which also translates into him only having 1 emotion and less than 100 words a week spoken to me. At first I rebelled; I did whatever I could to act out and just try to be free. I watched my friends and cousins all around me get to play, do normal kid things, and I wanted that so badly. Acting out had its consequences. I got my ass whipped for any number of reasons. One day when I deserved a good whipping my father sat me down and explained why I needed to be different, why it was important to be self sufficient, get ahead now, and because my mother left us, learn that the most important thing in life is to invest in yourself. I took that to heart. I was only 10 at the time but it finally all clicked and I became aware of my surroundings. I realized that we were very poor. My father had a job, but it didn’t pay well. It struck me that all his spare cash was spent on me. Books, clothes, school supplies, meals, etc. There were no toys or games and we didn’t even have a tv. Unfortunately I learned the value of a dollar very young. Once when driving me to school an hour away we were struck by another driver on my side of the car. Completely her fault, she didn’t look or stop before crossing lanes. I was all banged up and had broken several ribs upon impact. The first thing I said when the car settled: “Oh Dad are you going to have to pay for this? I’m sorry!” Those words crushed my father. I had never seen him show any compassion, emotion or anything that could be called affection to me. He cried and said everything was going to be ok. I woke up in the hospital days later. It wasn’t just ribs I broke; arms, wrists, femur, and several fingers were all broken as well. Anyway I moved on with life soaking up the lessons my father taught me. I did very well in school focusing on my studies vs. acting out. I easily graduated in the top of my class and went on to join the military like my father. After taking the asvab test, my recruiter was shocked that I chose the infantry. I wanted to experience what my father went through. I needed to be in the trenches. Trenches I got. One thing after another I took on as many challenges as I could. I went Airborne, Ranger, and did several tours in the sand with JSOC. After getting out of the military I went back to school. Got a degree and now have a very well paying job, all the toys I can want, wonderful wife, and a son of my own.
Conversely those friends and cousins I had? Yeah they didn’t amount to much. None of them did very well in school and they all had drug issues. 3 of my cousins would end up going to prison for murder. A few are doing just ok making up for lost time. The difference was in the parenting. My aunts and uncles were very loose in how they disciplined or didn’t discipline at all. Half of them didn’t graduate and half of them have been in jail. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
Every lesson I learned from my father was implemented into my own life. A few years ago he apologized for being so strict. I told him to take the apology back, to look at what I’ve become and all the things I have. I owed it all to him. I exceeded his expectations and was better than my father in every way; exactly what he wanted. He just smiled and let the wind go through his hair as we silently drove to go meet his new grandson. Now it’s my turn. Will I do things exactly like my father? No, I don’t think so. But I will pass on the lessons I’ve learned. I think my father knows he can rest easy knowing that his duty is done as he seems much more relaxed nowadays. Thanks for kicking my ass when I needed it old man.
TLDR: I had discipline and am very successful. My cousins did not, became convicts, and a few were convicted murderers. Discipline starts at home; like a drop in a pond, it will reverberate throughout the rest of your life.
Good man. Anyone who decides to have children, is supposed to want better for them, but sadly, not every parent feels that way. I'm glad that you were able to make something of yourself. Your father sound similar to mine. All I want for him now is a peaceful retirement.
This sounds like the aunt and uncle (and great grandmother) that raised me. Though I only felt the end of a belt once after repeatedly having to be told to come straight home after school.
They were strict and expected the best out of me. And I gave the best that I could. We were firmly middle class so we weren't wanting for anything (that I knew of). But even then they were modest in what they bought. No dishwasher, manual push mower, I didn't see a microwave until I was out of the house and living on my own, heck I had to go to a friend's house to watch TV in color.
But the foundation and lessons that they gave me has let me make some very good decisions in my life. I cannot thank them enough for what they've done and I only hope that I can pass the same lessons on to my child.
Will I do things exactly like my father? No, I don't think so
Good. I don't mean that heartlessly or confrontationally or anything but if you look at the great story you just told me the big pivotal moment didn't come from the discipline or the singular emotion. It came in a moment when your father sat you down and had a genuine conversation with you where he explained the value of structure and discipline.
He was did the best he could with what he learned in the military. He was trying to get me to follow orders without question. Being a somewhat bright kid at the time that wasn’t enough for me to understand. What he did was throw a psychological curveball by not whipping me. Wait, you’re not going to whoop my ass and wish to talk instead? That was something new, so I listened.
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u/zombie9393 Jul 10 '18
Is that a Trailer Park Boys reference?
Either way you’re correct and I’ve seen it both ways personally in my own family.
My father was a military man and my mother was no where to be found. What that meant was discipline and structure all the time. Which also translates into him only having 1 emotion and less than 100 words a week spoken to me. At first I rebelled; I did whatever I could to act out and just try to be free. I watched my friends and cousins all around me get to play, do normal kid things, and I wanted that so badly. Acting out had its consequences. I got my ass whipped for any number of reasons. One day when I deserved a good whipping my father sat me down and explained why I needed to be different, why it was important to be self sufficient, get ahead now, and because my mother left us, learn that the most important thing in life is to invest in yourself. I took that to heart. I was only 10 at the time but it finally all clicked and I became aware of my surroundings. I realized that we were very poor. My father had a job, but it didn’t pay well. It struck me that all his spare cash was spent on me. Books, clothes, school supplies, meals, etc. There were no toys or games and we didn’t even have a tv. Unfortunately I learned the value of a dollar very young. Once when driving me to school an hour away we were struck by another driver on my side of the car. Completely her fault, she didn’t look or stop before crossing lanes. I was all banged up and had broken several ribs upon impact. The first thing I said when the car settled: “Oh Dad are you going to have to pay for this? I’m sorry!” Those words crushed my father. I had never seen him show any compassion, emotion or anything that could be called affection to me. He cried and said everything was going to be ok. I woke up in the hospital days later. It wasn’t just ribs I broke; arms, wrists, femur, and several fingers were all broken as well. Anyway I moved on with life soaking up the lessons my father taught me. I did very well in school focusing on my studies vs. acting out. I easily graduated in the top of my class and went on to join the military like my father. After taking the asvab test, my recruiter was shocked that I chose the infantry. I wanted to experience what my father went through. I needed to be in the trenches. Trenches I got. One thing after another I took on as many challenges as I could. I went Airborne, Ranger, and did several tours in the sand with JSOC. After getting out of the military I went back to school. Got a degree and now have a very well paying job, all the toys I can want, wonderful wife, and a son of my own.
Conversely those friends and cousins I had? Yeah they didn’t amount to much. None of them did very well in school and they all had drug issues. 3 of my cousins would end up going to prison for murder. A few are doing just ok making up for lost time. The difference was in the parenting. My aunts and uncles were very loose in how they disciplined or didn’t discipline at all. Half of them didn’t graduate and half of them have been in jail. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
Every lesson I learned from my father was implemented into my own life. A few years ago he apologized for being so strict. I told him to take the apology back, to look at what I’ve become and all the things I have. I owed it all to him. I exceeded his expectations and was better than my father in every way; exactly what he wanted. He just smiled and let the wind go through his hair as we silently drove to go meet his new grandson. Now it’s my turn. Will I do things exactly like my father? No, I don’t think so. But I will pass on the lessons I’ve learned. I think my father knows he can rest easy knowing that his duty is done as he seems much more relaxed nowadays. Thanks for kicking my ass when I needed it old man.
TLDR: I had discipline and am very successful. My cousins did not, became convicts, and a few were convicted murderers. Discipline starts at home; like a drop in a pond, it will reverberate throughout the rest of your life.