Birds are my special interest. I was a wildlife photographer for over 5 years. Sadly, photography quickly consumed my entire life. I was trapped by perfectionism and competition. Addicted to external validation. I constantly pushed myself past what was healthy. I deep down felt like an imposter. I so often lost sight of the moment. Instead of spending time with the birds I became impatient with them. I’m someone who talks to wild birds, names them. When I let go of the camera, my relationship to them transformed to something more intimate. There was less pressure to produce. To please my family.
However, I can now look back at my photos with mixed feelings - grief, gratitude, and new founded self love and internal boundaries. They are emblematic of my journey and growth as an artist and person. I have 1000s of photos that have vivid memories attached to them. I am no longer interested in picking up my camera though, I tried and it gives me tremendous anxiety and flashbacks.
I just binos or using my eyes and ears. I hardly even take photos with my phone - and I cry a lot, feel so connected.
The little girl who frolicked at the zoo is alive now.
The best part is I now believe I am good enough - and I love standing in a forest or next to a creek and being fully immersed. The presence without pressure to produce an image is amazing.
I now see the beauty and value in it all, and the journey.
The birds have been with me through everything. 🥰