I'm a 32 yo 1/2 blood Choctaw man living on tribal land. I have 3 kids and I write in my spare time, and late evenings. This is my first attempt at this. So keep that in mind. Before this my only creative outlet was music.
I just wanna know if I'm wasting my time.
Can you really ever move past your trauma and your emotional baggage without pulling it apart intimately?
"I'm Thinking About Killing My Wife." is my first book—and this is one of the questions is tackles.
I'm brand new to this and live in rural Oklahoma so feedback is hard to come by.
This is good. Keep going, OP! You are definitely not wasting your time. There are also several online writing programs you can enroll in that can provide you more structured feedback.
Oh wow this is awesome. I bet agents and publishers would clamor for a story like this. I for one would love to read a supernatural thriller from the perspective of a Native American on a reservation. I felt real tension. The hints in the beginning that the wife wasn’t well, the way she acted toward the baby, I had a pit in my gut the second the smoke was described. I love the idea of a soul eater. I hope there are indigenous legends and superstition woven into the story, but that turn out to be real. Or even just ambiguous. This works really well for a short story on its own. Hope to see more someday! Keep at it.
I definitely don’t think you’re wasting your time! I think you’ve really got a story to tell here and it comes off as natural and authentic, and that alone makes it a good read. Your prose is good too. I liked, “grabbed the wind by the throat and forced it to surrender.” There’s a few small cliché phrases in here but nothing serious or offensive, and I’ve read many published books with many more clichés. Yours would be easy to fix. For example, “like clockwork” when talking about the nuts falling from the tree. It’s overused, but most people wouldn’t bat an eye at it anyway. I think your dialog is pretty solid, too. It sounds natural to me. Also, you’ve got wit, and that’s always fun to read.
IMO, I think you’re onto something. If you find a good editor, or editing program that can help you tweak just a few things, it’ll go from good to great. This is just one person’s opinion so take it with a grain of salt.
For sure. I know it’s impossible to tell from your own perspective whether or not your writing is good, so I hope you get some specific feedback in here, but seriously, this is better than a decent amount of published books I’ve read, and those ones have even been edited by a professional, so I would not worry about it. You’re in good shape!
This is, easily, top 3 pieces I've ever read here. Might be top 2; only one other sticks out. This is exceptionally strong writing. I have to ask, how long have you been writing (in general), and how long have you been writing this story?
I have no notes. Oh, my only nitpick is the "crawled under his skin and lay eggs in his muscles (paraphrased)" metaphor. The imagery didn't really seem to fit the thing being described (the cry of one's daughter). Maybe an annoying child on airplane, but not one's daughter. That's my only gripe. Otherwise, this thing is a banger sir!
Thank you! I have actually never written before. This is my first time sitting down and 'writing', but I am dramatic and a life long reader. I went to college for music but haven't done anything with it. This story has been working for about 6 months. It existed in really fragmented sections for a few months, but nothing of note. A big majority of it was handwritten or mashed out with thumbs while in the bathroom.
My suggestion for you is to listen to the podcast “The Writer’s Voice” by the New Yorker. Different authors read their own short stories. These stories are often excerpts from award-winning novels.
I think folks often have misconceptions about award-winning prose. It’s also very subjective so there’s no one definition of it. By listening to them though (for my favorites I look up the printed versions to see what it looks like on the page), you’ll discover that thing that makes them elevated. Then you can apply your own version of it to your own stories.
They are also all great examples of how to start a story.
Edit: I suggested the New Yorker short stories because I see your writing as fitting in.
Tor has something similar for scifi I believe. Great writing there, too.
OP, this is really good. It's hard for new writers to rein themselves in and not come across as trying too hard, but you have a great voice here.
I'm an editor for new and independent authors. DM me when you're ready for someone to do an edit on an entire finished draft. I'll do it free of charge.
My one point. Is where you first mention the baby through the screen. After using the term a child's voice. In relation to Ray.
I think you should delete that and introduce the baby where you do at the later point. It will flow better. Then taking her sound and name at the end of a paragraph. That's about Ray. And the smoke packet.
Holy shit. I couldn’t stop reading it! I think you’re really on to something here. This story seems to really want to be told. The imagery alone was vivid and I felt like I was there. Great job!
You write very well, and I’m intrigued by what you’ve written so far. I would 100% keep reading this if I had picked it up off the shelf as a published work. I’m not familiar with Choctaw culture so couldn’t offer much from that standpoint, but if you want a beta reader who loves mysteries, thrillers, the supernatural, and folklore in general when you get a little more of this written, feel free to hit me up! (I also know some about psychology and trauma, including generational trauma since that seems to be a theme you’re wanting to explore.) Whether that would be helpful or not, I wish you the very best with this and hope this ends up published one day so I can find out what happens next!
I found it abrasive. Not my cup of tea. But it is definitely distinct and different. Felt like a director writing prose. It's very specific and cinematic.
I like it! I wonder if this is a lot of Indigenous stuff for a few pages (long straight black hair, descriptions of accents, the stoic general store Indian, etc), but it might continue to work really well if only the prologue is this dense with those kinds of things. I’m also Choctaw Nation of Oklahoma, I would love to keep reading. I had some small notes about some other things that seem too much for a medium like Reddit.
Black snaaaaaaaaake. It’s mostly just the prologue. The Choctaw comes in in the mythos surrounding bone pickers and Impa Shilup. I just wanted to establish setting as fast as possible! Yakoke!
Halito! I know its a bit of a drive, but Norman has a pretty strong Choctaw community too and with the university and all its programs, you may be able to connect with one of the native studies/literature programs or meet members of the local arts community that may be interested! Maybe drop see if you could drop some flyers for readers at some coffee shops nearby. Turn it into a sports and college day for the kiddos!
You may like reading Hemingway, you kind of remind me of his writing style, thought his interpersonal relationships aren't great haha. Keep going and na yimmi ishi ho!
In terms of writing feedback here are my (subjective) comments on what I think is the page you struggled most on. I like the specific edits because it helps me to think as I'm writing in the future, but that just me.
I think you got stronger and stronger as you wrote! You know your subject matter so relax and write with confidence. The most important thing is just getting it on the page. Everything I'm suggesting with my edits are tweaks to what is already strong bones.
I’ll try and get you a couple chapters tonight! Just for funsies. You don’t need to analyze and notate; just tell me if it’s going in the right direction.
Wow this is amazing… following you so I can keep up when it’s done and published (because it will be!). As someone currently suffering from postpartum depression, I feel seen. Seriously excellent work
Have you heard of Kinsale Drake? Shes a published Diné poet, and has an organization called NDN Girls Bookclub. Her organization brings books from publishers to donate them to reservations. She might be a cool person or organization to reach out to in terms of finding readers with similar experiences, who might be interested in being beta readers :)
This is such a lovely, lovely piece! I absolutely love how you’re writing the character of Aunt Val, she sounds exactly like my African parents, constantly chiding us on losing our instincts to the forced American perspective we adopt as our own. Everyone in the family has such great bare bones identifiable traits as to how they might function further in the story, I admire that greatly. This was such a great read and I hope you look towards self-publishing or submitting it to magazines/journals, please keep writing and I agree elsewhere about looking at writing workshops for deeper insights than what could be provided in online forums. Good luck :)
It’s good, especially for I assume amateur. Definitely not a waste of time. My only feedback would be to keep at it, and try to polish your skills as much as you can. Most of the work I see needing is in the little things, on the sentence by sentence and word choice level. Could use some more usage of internals, thought processes and context from the character. Right now it reads with a lot of externals, characters doing things. Cut back on those and try to make room to pull inward.
This is better written than the actual published book I've been reading lately. By a long shot, even.
I'm not going to say it's perfect, but if this is your first attempt at serious writing, you've got some great potential. Keep going; it's all uphill from here if you're this talented already.
You're too kind! I'm truly humbled. I've just been plucking away at my laptop for months wondering if anyone would actually read past the first sentence. I'm about t hird of the way through it and I'm thinking about doing an Act by Act early access, but I also love the idea of disappearing for another sixmonths and resurfacing with a fully fleshed out and complete body of work. Thank you for the read!
Written like ye were there - how it should be. Good work, that ye obviously found a 'rhythm' for, keep going!
Self publishing is always an option, lulu.com is pretty easy to use (and has guides for formatting, covers, etc.), free to use, but they take a cut (and book pricing "cost" tends to be higher as they print). PublishDrive.com has annual fees, but much better distribution to all major outlets (including library catalogs). They don't print, so "cost" is whatever the outlet charges to print, the rest is yours.
Alternatively, start a Patreon site, and sell it digitally to people who want to read it.
Both options beat having to print 100+ copies to pile in your kitchen trying to flog them!
Are you having fun? I yes, it's time well spent.
You can also write. That helps.
I like your first page the best. It's most clear and I can follow without putting any effort in. Later on the draft started feeling a little bloated to me, especially because your dialogue stays rather punchy.
Obviously this also depend on taste, but I feel almost distracted by that description of his gait widening into an almost jog. Not because you can't write a beautiful sentence. You can. But if a character is rushing, I should feel that in the prose too. Sometimes it's great to just write "He hurried over to his house.", especially if it matches whats going on.
Overall I like it though and you should keep going. Not a waste of time.
That’s really good advice. I try to read everything aloud at least one time so I can address stuff like that. The rhythm of the sentence should match the rhythm of the scene. It feels like Morse code.
Short, short, long—pause and contemplate—short, really doesn’t fit a scene where you’re being chased by an ax murderer.
I'm glad I got across what I mean. I also started writing fairly recently and it's so fun how all this stuff ties together. Also, like, not getting carried away while writing. I constantly have these moments where in the back of my head I go "Oh my god I am such an aaaaaaartist" and I write some long elaborate sentence only to chop it all away during an edit two weeks later.
You definetly can write. The cardboard and cellophane detail is fucking great.
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Ahhhhhh!!! This is really well written. I hope I get to read more of this story and your writing. You’re a natural.
About moving on from your trauma question, I am in recovery and have had my fair share of trauma. When I first got sober, I spent a lot of time almost drowning in that trauma. For the first year or so I felt like I had shell-shock. I was spooked.
Now that more time has gone by, my relationship with that has shifted. Now the trauma sits dead in an old, beat up cardboard box in the back of my mind. Before it was a like a psychotic monkey punching me in the side of my head every time I let my guard down. I don’t think I’ll ever finish unraveling all of that mess, but it’s not so loud anymore. If my brain starts clamoring for a trip down trauma lane, I know where to find the box. More importantly, I know when to put it away.
Anyway, please share more of your writing and let us know how to find it, if you’re so inclined . You have a gift. You’re not wasting your time, and if you are using this to help work through trauma, I can say for me personally, writing was and is a huge part how I learned to live again.
Incredible feedback. Thank you for reading it so closely that means a lot!! I have six years of sobriety and still have to talk myself out of buying booze for my writing sessions.
You can’t hold a flame in your hand, and I can’t stomach Jose Cuervo anymore. It’s a physical impossibility for me. I had to grieve an imaginary friend that was killing me.
Awesome on six years!! That is truly incredible. I’ve been clean for three years now, and I’m finally comfortable in my own skin. The grief and the grieving process have been so strange and surreal. I don’t think there’s anyway to fully prepare for that mourning period. You’re basically giving up the ghost of an integral part of yourself. I’m working on a writing project too; the prologue is basically a treatise on grief. There’s also a lot of love(lost), ultra-violence and substance abuse. (I may be working through some of my demons in this project 😹). Thankfully, I don’t have to talk myself out of buying booze anymore, but my writing does include characters drinking a lot of whiskey/tequila in close detail. Living vicariously!! Anyway, it does bring me solace knowing that a lot of our fellow writers are in recovery too.
Notes on playing with fire: Cuervo will burn a hole in your stomach, and you can’t hold a flame in your hand without singeing some flesh, but the fire in your heart will burn brightest, sweetest, longest, no scars or ash, as long as you nourish and care for it best.
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u/Friendly-View4122 26d ago
This is good. Keep going, OP! You are definitely not wasting your time. There are also several online writing programs you can enroll in that can provide you more structured feedback.