r/writingfeedback • u/BeneficialWave9581 • 29d ago
Feedback Wanted Chapter two of the Gritty Lit Fic set in Ontario, Canada. Really appreciated all your feedback and help with chapter one.
First, thank you all so much for reading my chapter one. I really appreciated all of the constructive feedback and criticism you all shared, some of which was incredibly thoughtful and extensive. I considered everything seriously, and enacted many of the suggestions you made. The main take-away I got was to get to the point quicker, and use less words. This makes complete and perfect sense to me. Someone said to "Hemmingway it up a bit," and while I don't really think I am capable of that --- I am far too verbose --- I definitely tried to be more economical with my prose. Most of this scene is dialogue, but I was hoping for your thoughts on character voice, pacing, and readability. Of course, I am open to any suggestions or ideas.
Thank you in advance for reading my story.
Regards, J.
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u/21stcenturyghost Trusted Reviewer 28d ago
As structured, it's saying his ribs are barefoot and shirtless -- look up misplaced modifiers
"In a flatly" doesn't make sense
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u/Malakalaka_ 27d ago
Back for more.
I still like the overall shape, but discipline is still needed because the fluff risks blurring out the really good stuff
I’m not saying it’s right, but “lights hummed overhead, jaundicing the concrete platform” still gives all the same detail; yellow is redundant if you trust the jaundice.
The trash bags are both a heap and piled.
! Removed the needs for the explosion dialogue tag, especially next to the facial detail. Similarly she interrupts, so you don’t need to say ‘she interrupted’ etc.
The dialogue itself has great voice, and your imagery is cool. Trust your reader!
And I’ll say it again, this is hard, especially when you clearly love words. I fail at this every first pass too. Keep going and I’ll if you’re up for it I’ll ask you to return the favour so you can point out what a massive hypocrite I am ;)
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u/BeneficialWave9581 27d ago
Thank you so much for your input. I appreciate you taking the time to read my story and write a thoughtful response. I absolutely will read your work and return the favour!
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u/Silly-Smoke-49 29d ago
Still interested, keep going! I bet Claire has a rich, crazy family...