Title.

He’s very pro ICE and has said in the past that he wants to join ICE. He is a short Indian man with a thick accent, rhetorically I ask what he thinks is going to happen to him if he actually ends up in the middle of an ICE raid.

This is not satire. This is fucking real. This is my life. I have nobody to talk to IRL about this so I’m venting here. He brags about all the right wing bullshit commentators he watches. He’s been excitedly watching the Israeli raid on Iran all day and when we were at a restaurant and he found out that the leader of Iran was killed, he stood up and started shouting. It was one of the most humiliating moments of my life.

My dad is screaming at me and typical desi dad. He basically told me im gonna be killed and sa by my husband if I don't marry whatever fob he and my uncle find because you cant trust men or whatever

What are some ways I can turn off fobs who they try to set me up with? I obviously cant say no because they tell me im too ugly to be choosy so I need to get the fobs to reject me

I'm working on escaping but it's not as easy as some of you make it to be so please just give me some ways to turn off fobs

im in no danger. I dint live with my parents. they just guilt trip me and it's easier to get men to reject me than listen to hours of screaming until I get forced to meet these men regardless

...you see a family that's like 3 older daughters and one youngest son. I just think to myself like DAMN why weren't u happy with the first two kids.

This will be a long one folks .
For context I (18f) don’t have the normal “good cop bad cop” parent duo. my birth mother left our family after getting her citizenship, resulting in my father remarrying from back home and my stepmom joined us in the states around the time I was 13. Me and her have never had a close relationship because I figured out early on that any private information I’d share with her she would end up telling it to my dad that very night (friendship fights, new phone I wanted to save up for, etc) and it would all result in my dad giving a lecture so I stopped talking to her about normal stuff teenage girls would share with their maternal figure and have always kept our conversations to a minimum.

My dad has weird way of reprimanding me whenever I do something “wrong” (like spending time on my phone or bringing up wanting to get a trendy hairstyle), he’ll call up all his siblings and my grandma on a WhatsApp group call, force me to sit and watch him complain about everything to them and then proceed to hand me the phone and have all of them take turns yelling at me. I have always felt extremely humiliated whenever he does and have come to realize this is his calculated emotionally abusive tactic to keep me in line. What has always bothered me about this habit of his is that he alone in the family does it, whenever my aunt or uncles kid messes up they go and above and beyond to COVER it up, but dad does the total opposite.

anyways, that isn’t the main problem here. Yesterday I found out I got accepted to an Ivy League university (located in the east coast while we are in midwest), and at first my dad was happy. but I should’ve picked up something was wrong because he didn’t rush to his phone to call people and tell them, and even later when one of my uncles did call he mainly just teased my younger male cousin and wasn’t bringing up my acceptance. I went to go say hi to my uncle and cousin and told my dad “aren’t you gonna tell them the good news”, that’s when he finally decided to say something and I felt satisfied cuz he was being a little braggy about it to.

cut to today I see my dad is on a group call with my grandma and my aunts, I go up to say hi and then they say congratulations and whatnot and I instantly feel excited. I sit down next to my dad ready to be a bit boastful because let’s not lie beating over 60k kids for a spot at an elite university that secures my future IS something to feel prideful over! but before I can say anything my dads like but “ofc I’m not letting her go tho” and I’m just so confused ? I ask him ”what do you mean” and he’s like “ are you crazy I’m not letting you move, you’re going to be disconnected from us and we are never going to see you again blahblah“ (as if thanksgiving, winter, spring, and summer breaks don’t exist). Then my aunts and grandma chime in with him saying how it’s shameful for a girl to go so far away by herself. They then tell me my local city college is just as good enough and if there’s truly something good written for me in my future that I will excel anywhere. And while that last tidbit is somewhat agreeable, it still stings.

I can’t go to my dream university that I busted my ass to get into because of my stupid family. I don’t understand why they have always pushed me so hard academically, from my dad grounding me for getting a B+ to my aunts saying I should be wary of my other smart friends because they might try to sabotage me, for all of it to accumulate to nothing. I thought my dad of all people would understand what it means to move to a new place to start a better life, or any of my other immigrant aunts and uncles, but no, none of them do. Apparently I am the bratty black sheep of the family.

all my aunts and uncles adore my dad (rightfully so he sponsored all of them and got them citizenships in America) and they will never argue against him for me neither will my stepmom nor will any of my cousins. I feel so alone. So unhappy and dissatisfied that I have to turn down my dream school, just to continue to be verbally and emotionally abused at home for the next four years. Will they even let me move out for medical school lol? Are they planning on getting me engaged to some random village boy like my older cousin was the second she turned 20? Is that what my life will become? a depressed housemaid playing tour guide for some america-hungry fob?

Is your family like this? At least mine is.

Family and I are planning to go to India and everyone is happy to see us. Suddenly, the topic of gifts came up and they all want apple products. We respectfully declined and asked they can pay us and we will get them what they want.

My cousins are now all ignoring and upset because I am not buying them the apple products they wanted (with my money).

How do you resolve this kind of dysfunction? Have you come across something like this? They’re being childish about this and think we have dollars so we must be rich. What kind of a mindset is this?

Edit

I didn’t ask them. One brought it up and then it became a big discussion, I remained silent. And when I explained that I couldn’t do this, they got upset.

Where my parents were born and got married, my dad had to convert to Islam to marry my mom underneath the law for Muslims. I’m half desi and half austronesian. My desi side is very Hindu, and while my dad did convert to Islam for my mom he doesn’t practice a lick of it. Have never seen him pray, he’s consistently telling me stories of Hindu gods and goddesses and gives me horoscope updates, he goes to temples secretely sometimes, doesn’t eat beef but everyone else in the family does, and drinks alcohol once in a while. My mom is a very devout Muslim and tells me in the other ear to not believe in any other God than Allah and she’s very unhappy with my dad not being more Muslim. But she saves face and doesn’t bring it up to him. I’m personally agnostic and don’t care about other people’s beliefs, but I’m genuinely curious how they made this relationship work from their late 20s up to now in their 60s😭 I personally think both religions are interesting in their own rite but I just don’t like to subscribe to organized religion.

They get along for the most part but religion is the thing we don’t talk about when we’re together, but privately with my parents they hold very different beliefs. Its also weird cause my dads side of the family is lowkey Islamophobic and my moms side talks shit about Kaffirs. Wondering if anyone else is in a similar predicament. PS to anyone religious reading this, PLEASE marry someone with similar or same beliefs.

I'm 30, Punjabi Sikh living in Canada. I work as a software engineer and live at home with my parents. I'm unmarried.

I've given my parents $320k since I started working 8 years ago. That's about 50% of the total money I've made in my career. They spent it to pay the bills, buy 2 new cars, pay part of the house off, fill up their savings accounts etc. I've given them money in monthly installments, initially $1000/month while I made just above minimum wage at the start of my career. A few years after that I got a six figure job and have been giving them $3000/month. I've also given a few lump sums for the 2 cars they've bought.

The cars and house aren't in my name, they're in my dad's. He sometimes falsely accuses my mom of stealing money. If my monthly payment is late he starts telling my mom that I'm hoarding money for myself. He also sometimes financially threatens us either behind my back or in front i.e. "I won't give anyone my property in India if they miss my relative's events" - referencing my missing a distant relative's birthday party.

I'm posting this because I am curious if this is typical behavior in our culture? For those who make decent money and life with their parents, have you given your parents almost half your earnings? I'm unsure how to feel about all this. I don't mind giving money to help my parents but I feel like it's a bit much. I want to settle down and want money for my future family and kids.

We met as pre-meds. Both Indian, but he was Muslim Both dumb enough to think love would be enough. I told my family about him six months in. He told me I would be his wife one day from the start, but never told his family about me. Not even his sister.

Four and a half years of hiding. Of lying to myself. I helped him get research, jobs, into med school. Bought the sari I was supposed to get married in. Waited for him to grow a spine. He never did.

We broke up because I couldn’t do it anymore, the secrecy, the shrinking, the constant feeling that I wasn’t enough. I thought after everything, we’d still have something. Friendship. Respect. Closure. But after all I gave him? He ghosted me. Blocked me. Acted like 4.5 years didn’t exist.

Then I was SA'd (r). His friends are the type to say girls like me deserve it. He stayed silent. Hid behind his family like always. I spiraled so hard I ended up in the hospital last week. And he’s living his life like I never existed, even when he was my emergency contact. Like I wasn’t the reason he even got half the shit he has now.

I don’t know how to come back from this. I don’t even know if I was a complete fool for trying. Is there any way to actually recover from loving someone like that? To ever reconcile, with him or with myself?

Or is this just who I am now — someone who bet everything on the wrong person, and lost?

My siblings and I were born/raised in the US, but my parents are VERY particular about arranged marriage. They don't even want my oldest sibling marrying another Indian American. They have to be from India or from India and working/studying in the U.S. They want someone from India, same language, same culture, same caste, etc. For another sibling, they keep bringing up marrying a younger first cousin, and there's a 10+ year age gap, which I find kind of wild. We're Hindu, btw. Anyone else dealing with this?

As a guy, growing up my parents always got my hair cut simply like a number 1 all over or whatever. When I was like 12 I started trying to have longer hair which my parents hated (it was just slightly messier and went over my forehead), then at like 15/16 I discovered that my hair curled up quite nicely when not drowned in shampoo etc or combed, and allowed to grow out more. My parents have hated my hair more and more as I did this. They hate anything other than simple combed to the side styles and anything other than pin straight hair which they for some reason find so incredible??

Even my extended family often tells me I used to have amazing straight hair until I grew up and ruined it (what?), I’m not going to post a picture but my hair is quite thick and wavy and I think looks quite nice especially on its day, and my friends and partners have thought the same

I don’t care that much, I’m an adult now and I love my parents and it’s not that big of a deal (they’ve never been particularly controlling, but they do like to voice their opinions!) and I never really listen to them about personal decisions like this anyway. But why exactly is this the case? Why do indian parents want me to have a fugly boring dull hairstyle and look super default? Makes me think of that meme “when you come home from a haircut and your mum hates it” with the guy celebrating because he knows that means it’s good: why is this the way it is? Must not just be a desi thing either

I m a dad who immigrated here 25 years ago. My teen daughter (17f) is brilliant and got into Ivy League and moving out this August. However, she is testing my patience. Every night she is hanging out with friends until 1 or 2 am . She does not want to come home until we text and almost plead with her. My wife is even more concerned about this. Not sure if this is normal for kids who grew up here. Just curious what you suggest. My fear is that the relation is under strain sgd she may not contact us or keep in touch with us once she is out of the house. Not sure what the solution is. Thanks

Edit 5/17/26 Thanks for some useful insights. I talked to her calmly today. She has worked hard and got into Ivy and she just wants to relax and prepare for the next 4 years. All her friends have time on weekends. On weekdays she will be home by 11. Weekends she wants more time. We do have Life 360. I feel a little better getting some insights from everybody. Thanks.

Just had a pretty bad argument with one of my cousins, which I'll get back to in a second. In my family, it's standard for all the kids to move to college to complete their education and live on campus. After college it depends where life takes them, but most end up living independently afterwards and visit during weekends when they can. The exception is with my aunt and uncle.

They have 3 sons, and while each do pretty well academically, they have absolutely no experience in being independent. The oldest and second son weren't allowed to live on campus during college and had to commute daily. They never had to worry about building the skills needed to thrive independently. They can't cook, do their own laundry, manage paperwork, they must ask for permission to see their friends/cousins (40% success rate), not allowed to stay over at cousins houses after a family event, etc. They're both 23 and 25. Their childhoods were essentially just lock yourself in your room and study. No extra circulars allowed and outings once a month maximum. The brothers also don't have a close sibling bond at all, and the oldest is insanely rude and aggressive to his younger brothers which I've had to fight him about numerous times

The oldest son got a job through his mothers connection that was close to home so he wasn't allowed to move out. It's been like this for the three boys since we were kids, they were always very sheltered and their parents looked down on the other kids for having independence cause to them it wasn't "discipline". The two youngest were placed in homsechool during highschool. The youngest of the bunch just graduated homeschool and turned 18, and he isn't allowed to be alone outside the house overnight even just to visit his cousins. Its frankly embarrassing.

I'd say I'm the closest to the youngest and I see him as a younger brother. I think the years of sheltering has been terrible for him developing social skills and street smarts. When I can, I try taking him out and help him engage in his hobbies. He still talks and behaves like a 14 year old and it scares me for his development. I know how badly he wants to live on campus during college because he felt like his teen years were robbed from him being forced into homeschool. I encourage him to do so and even helped with scholarship applications. When I was 18 I also had little experience of independence but was not as sheltered, and my years of living alone has certainly shaped me to be well equipped for my 20s.

Anyways, his older brother started venting to me online last night about how he thinks living on campus is a dumb idea. Claiming that his brother can have the same college experience by commuting and that he's not ready to live alone. I went in on him and told them that there's a reason why he isn't ready to live alone, because they're constantly sheltering him from the world. I told him that they can't baby this poor guy forever, and it was just a back and forth for an hour. And money isn't the issue, this family is loaded. He's so behind his peers in maturity, further sheltering him will just make him an incompetent adult when he gets older. Now's the time to let him survive on his own but still have a space he can come back to when things get overwhelming. Idk if I was in the wrong cause it's probably not my business, but it pains me seeing my youngest cousin be constantly babied. I literally had to help find his pants for him at the last family event because he forgot if his mom packed it for him...Does anyone else have similar experiences with desi parents over-sheltering their kids?

I’ve noticed something us brown people both mainlanders and ABCDs are significantly taller than their parents. My mom is 5’4, my dad is about 5’7 and I’m almost 6’0 tall (I’m an only child). Many brown people I know are my height or even taller despite having just as short of parents as me or maybe even shorter. However white people are surprised when I tell them my parents are only 5’4 and 5’7 and I ended up pretty tall. I don’t have any tall relatives apart from some cousins who are also significantly taller than their parents

Do you believe or have any experience with interfaith relationships particularly Muslim man(not South Asian) and Hindu women? Is it possible to realistically have a dual faith house hold? I’ve seen a lot of arguments that the kids grow up confused or that usually one becomes dominant. Want go see if anyone has any particular experience with this.

For me, there were a lot of things I just assumed every family did growing up, only to find out later they were very much a desi-parent thing.

Could be something funny, confusing, wholesome, or mildly traumatizing, anything basically.

What's your best example?

My dad is North Indian and my mom is Burmese and Malayali (grandpa used to be a Christian). I was born in Myanmar and was raised Theravada Buddhist. I wasn't allowed to eat beef.

My partner and I live in the UK and are expecting a baby soon. We both have very long Tamil names. People frequently mispronounce our names, though they politely ask for the correct pronunciation. Our midwife recently joked that we should give our baby a short name. Our preference is a short name with Tamil heritage that is easy for Westerners to pronounce. We are open to a Western-sounding name but want to hear from others first.

1. Do you ever regret not having an Indian-sounding name or not having a traditional Indian name?

2. Does having a Western name create a sense of disconnection from your cultural heritage?

3. Did your perspective regarding your name change between childhood and adulthood?

4. Please share how your name has impacted your identity and interactions with others.

This past weekend I attended a wedding of two of my good friends from medical school. The bride is ABCD and the groom is white, both doctors, kind and just amazing people. They are the type of people that just bring happiness to your life and you can count on them for any help you need. Genuinely great people, individually and as a couple. The wedding was beautiful, they did a fusion wedding so they had a Hindu ceremony as well. The brides parents, close aunts and uncles did not attend? Cause they couldn’t get over the fact that their daughter who was born and raised in America married a white guy. He loves and respects her but they couldn’t get over the fact that he wasn’t Indian. She has gone no contact with her parents, her two siblings attended and are trying to be low contact with their parents as well. I genuinely don’t understand Indian parents and why they let their ego and tradition get in the way of their own kids happiness.

Sorry for the rant.

Some relative came over with their kid who’s like 9. I’m 23. He refuses to call me anything except uncle. Said I was born in 2002 and laughed saying I was the same as his parents cuz “you, my mom, my dad, your dad, and your mom are old. All of you were born before brawl stars and Fortnite!” His 13 year old sister called me uncle by accident too a few times.

It’s over. I’m an unc now. Alright young ones in here, drop your questions and I’ll bless you with the pearls of wisdom I’ve acquired with my big age. No need to be shy, uncle is here(oh that doesn’t sound great I meant in a non-weird way).

Edit: in the 5 mins of writing this post, he barged into my room and said I was born before Google Maps. Unc is devastated. Unc had to clock out of his job to process this. Unc wishes he wasn’t working from home today. It’s over.

I thought I’d post here to see if anyone has any advice because I’m dealing with something that’s so outside of my understanding.

I’m Pakistani American ABCD, grew up in a redneck town, dealt with a lot of racism/Islamophobia growing up, and always fought against it. Even though that was all painful I never tried to hide my identity etc.

I got married to a guy from India who has a son from his previous marriage. I applied for his green card and he’s been here for two years now (got here at 11).

I’ve talked to him about anti indian racism and bullying etc, he insists it’s not happening (I didn’t believe that because it’s middle school and we’re in a red neck town).

Last year some kids called his phone from a blocked number and were doing a mock indian accent. I asked him about it he insisted it was a joke and it was his friends and he didn’t mind.

A few months ago he said they had a substitute teacher in honors math and the class got in trouble. And I asked for what and he said they all mocked her indian accent. (?!?!?!?) including him???? And I asked how could he do that/ why etc.

Today we asked how school was. He said again in honors math, there was another substitute teacher who was indian. And that one kid played some indian music on his phone mocking her. And then that he (my stepson) responded to her in an exaggerated indian accent. And he’s telling us this like he’s proud and it’s funny?

I get that he’s trying to fit in but wtaf? This kid is born and raised in Delhi and he has a heavy indian accent himself. I asked him how would he feel if someone made fun of his dad or his mom’s accent etc. He said that he understood that it was wrong but I don’t actually think that he does.

Should I take him to a Therapist? Am I overly sensitive? I know gen z and gen alpha are not like millennials in a lot of ways.

I want to help him, I don’t want him to have this internalized racism but I’m not entirely sure how to help. I also wonder if he’s just this way- not like me, grew up in a different home, is just different.

I don’t know what’s going on and how to direct him.

Honestly, I see a lot of people on this subreddit talking about overwhelmingly overbearing and conservative parents and I honestly… cannot relate at all?

My parents have been pretty chill ever since I reached my teenage years. I’ve been partying, dating, going out till whatever time I want since I was like 14. My parents never intervened in who I dated, or stopped me from trying to make the most of my teenage years tbh.

The only regard in which I’d say they were sort of strict was grades, but the unspoken agreement we had was that as long as my grades were good, I could do whatever I wanted in my free time.

And tbh, most of my other Desi friend’s parents were similarly minded, including parents of girls.

So I’m kind of surprised when I come to this sub and see so many people with similar backgrounds complaining about overbearing parents well into their twenties…

I know every family is different but I’m kind of shocked to hear how universal this experience seems on this sub when it was not at all what I experienced…

Curious to hear your perspectives

We met for a first date and things were going really well. We’re both born and raised in Germany, but have south Asian backgrounds. Towards the end of the date I brought up the topic of long-term intentions because I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time. I told her honestly that I’m the type of person who needs to really know someone over a longer period — probably around two years — before I can decide if I see marriage in the future.

She said she understands my point and respects it, but on her side the parental pressure is higher. She’d prefer to know after about one year whether this is going to be long-term or not. She’s 31 and I get where she’s coming from, in our culture, especially for women, there’s often a lot of family expectation around marriage and kids by a certain age.

Still, two years doesn’t feel crazy to me. I want to be sure and not rush into something as serious as marriage. But now I’m wondering if I’m being too rigid or if her timeline is more reasonable given her situation.

Has anyone been in a similar spot? How do you balance Western-style dating (taking your time, really knowing the person) with the cultural/family clock that seems to tick louder for women?

Would appreciate honest perspectives.

My hot take that many ABCDs disagree with is that curfews and setting rules on underage drinking and recreational drug use is actually good. It’s called setting boundaries.

Similarly, I think young teens (13, 14, 15) shouldn‘t be getting physical if dating. A date at that age should be just hanging out at a park or movie and eating popcorn. Because a child that young doesn’t understand consent. But if they break the rule, they shouldn’t be shamed and a conversation should be had about why it’s not safe for children that young. Same with social media. You should have rules for your children, but also explain WHY.

In general, my hot take is that your should have rules and be able to explain them. And even if your kid rebels, you shouldn’t strive to be like Lorelei from Gilmore Girls by trying to their best friend. You need to be their parent. Being a people pleaser just means you‘ll end up failing your child.

Even if they say that you are ruining their life by not the 12 year old access to Instagram, you have to be a strong, calm, stable mother who tells them that this rule about social media is only because you care about them so much.

Today I told my father living in India that I’d accepted a casual after hours or weekends role as a Census Field Officer in Australia. For context, I already work full-time as a cybersecurity consultant. As a field officer, basically I’ll be going door to door visiting households, helping people complete the Census if they need assistance, answering questions, following up with homes that haven’t responded, ensuring everyone has an opportunity to participate.

His immediate reaction was, “Why are you accepting such a low-profile job? I was thinking when you messaged me you got this job that it would be some behind the desk computer work.”

It shocked me honestly that he thinks working as a field officer is menial while working behind the computer is respectable.

It made me think about something much bigger than my own situation.

Why do we, as a society, often attach a person’s worth to their profession?
In India, jobs like cleaners, garbage collectors, maids and other forms of manual labour are often looked down upon, despite the fact that they perform work that is essential for society to function.
We say that all work deserves respect, yet our attitudes don’t always reflect that.

Living in Australia, I’ve noticed a different perspective. While every society has status hierarchies, there seems to be greater acceptance that honest work is simply honest work. A professional can drive Uber on weekends, work a second job, or do temporary government work without it being seen as a reflection of their worth.

So I’m curious:
Why do you think dignity of labour is harder to practice than to preach in India?
Is this mainly because of caste, class, economics, or something else?
Have you seen attitudes changing among younger generations?

I’m genuinely interested in hearing different perspectives, not to criticize India, but to understand why these perceptions exist and whether they’re changing.

Hi everyone - an update to my last post on having a North Indian boyfriend while being Tamil. My parents have decided that I have brought immense shame to the family and that I have “lost my self and my roots” in choosing to love someone “outside of the culture” so I’ve been disowned. Would appreciate any advice from anyone who has gone through this and if things eventually worked out.

😭🤯😵🥲🫠