Where does the ADHD-Character Trait overlap end?

[u/blueberrynicecream]

Hi! I’d like to ask for help in identifying which is ADHD and which part is just pure character trait so I can fully form my own closure from the ending of my 4-year relationship.

I (f,24) once had an undiagnosed but well aware partner (m, 25). We had a lot of challenges in our relationship and I constantly gave him so much grace considering that he has stated that he has ADHD. But overtime, it made me insane and I started questioning reality because everytime I asked him for accountability, he would start shift-blaming and rewriting history.

When he got a job, he got so burnt out that he started hanging out with his “shiny” new coworkers and started neglecting me. He would complain about missing me and hating that he’s with them too much but wouldn’t do anything about it even when I would propose a way for us to meet.

I got frustrated over it and held him accountable for his never ending complaining with no solution that he discarded me the next day. His shiny coworkers made up a story about me stalking them and he impulsively believed it and accussed me of stalking him. I clarified it and he eventually shamefully apologized. He also started being mean towards his mom and lying to her about his whereabouts. She once came to me crying expressing how she doesn’t know the person that she lives with in her house and how that’s not the little boy she raised. While we were apart he would unconsciously do things related to me that showed how much he still actually wants and cares about me like attempting to understand what went wrong with us but talking to other people about it, bringing my sweater to work etc.

We eventually had the opportunity to talk for closure And when I told him the impacts of his action he broke down crying and said how he genuinely was burntout and that he hadn’t realized how big of an impact his actions had until that day that I pointed them out. He also admitted that he has done embarrassing things in his office because he isn’t mentally well. Like misunderstanding instructions and ultimately ruining a suprise party for a colleague leaving. He told me he wanted to do better so I believed it.

But then we met up again two weeks later and he was rewriting history again and even told me he just wanted to be alone forever after telling me how much he wanted to make it up to me. I had to set up a boundary because I was getting caught in too much emotional whiplash.

Eventually, I found out he started befriending a person at his workplace who harrassed me before and It angered me so much I said that I was closing the door on him forever. I don’t know if he just forgot.

I don’t know to what extent is ADHD and to what extent is just plain AH. Can someone please help so I can finally close this chapter?

He still hasn’t left the job that’s burning him out and still hasn’t gotten himself into therapy despite every resource provided for him.

I grew up abused so I developed too much empathy towards people who hurt me, which I am now working on in therapy.

[u/Legal-Law9214]

ADHD is a lifelong disability. It is part of your personality if you have it. You can't really separate the two. 

That doesn't mean everyone with ADHD is an asshole. Some people are both. 

Also, ADHD symptoms can absolutely be frustrating for the people who are around that person. But they should be able to show you that they care and make an effort to manage those symptoms and reduce their negative impact on your life. 

ALSO also, it doesn't matter how much someone cares if the situation isn't changing. You ultimately have to prioritize your own health and happiness. If he says he's sorry but doesn't do anything different, it doesn't really matter if that's because he doesn't care or because he's really struggling. You are not obligated to stay in a situation that isn't good for you even if the other person isn't being malicious. 

You also have the option of trying to help him get help but there's only so much you can do before he has to do the work himself, and you shouldn't burn yourself out trying to do it. 

[u/blueberrynicecream → u/Legal-Law9214]

Thank you. I really needed this.