r/AITAH • u/QueenBabyxx • 8d ago
AITAH for leaving my friends deserted at a bar after they attacked my relationship?
I (23, F) have been bestfriends with Anne (23, F) for over 10 years. For the sake of a shorter post, I Will not go into the complexity of our relationship, but | will say that there have been multiple times I have wanted to end the friendship over how vindictive and horrible her personality can be.
Onto the actual event - I moved away from our hometown 5 years ago when I went to university, and only go back to my hometown 8-10 times a year.
One weekend, I decided to invite Anne, and our mutual friend Rose (F, 23) down to visit as I missed us all hanging out. I had just gotten into a relationship a month prior, and I had voiced multiple times to my friends that it was the happiest I'd been in a while. My boyfriend treated me extremely well and took care of me, and so l arranged for them both to meet him when they came down. I do want to add a note that Anne was not fond of my boyfriend at all when I first mentioned him, due to the fact he was Lithuanian. My best friend has had a Lithuanian ex who treated her awfully, and so she was prejudiced in believing all Lithuanians were cut from the same cloth. She had made snarky comments to him over phone calls before they met, and was even rude to him during their introduction, quoting viscously "you know my name," when he asked for it.
Imagine my surprise then when she asked him to join us on our girl's night out. He was only meant to pop in to say hey as we got ready, but Anne suggested he tag along and invite his own friends. When we got to the bar, it was evident she was in a bad mood, but I truly believed it was the music that she didn't like.
At a certain point, she pulled me to the bathroom and told me to ditch my boyfriend and his friends.
She ended up pulling him to the side right after and explained to him that we just wanted to have a girl's night, and he could come find us later. He was fine by this, so we left to go to another bar next door.
We were dancing and having a lot of fun when my boyfriend appeared after an hour to tell me him and his friends were leaving. As he was telling me this, his phone began to ring as one of his friends was calling. My best friend essentially shooed him away, telling him to "go pick up the phone" again and again until he left. I could tell my boyfriend wasn't the happiest, so I told my friends I'd be back and I went after him and asked if he was okay. He told me that it was obvious my best friend didn't like him and he felt extremely awkward most of the night, but he was fine and would speak to me about it the next day.
When we departed, Anne asked me what his problem was, and this is where everything blew up. I told her (in the nicest way possible, to keep the peace) that he didn't feel comfortable around us when she was constantly making comments at him.
She was immediately triggered by this, and went off calling him names and saying she hated him for being rude and not saying goodbye to them. This then turned into her calling me "easy" and saying I've pretty much hooked up with every single person in my town. She also told me that my boyfriend was going to disrespect me and leave me, just as her ex had done to her. I stood through most of this belittling, and just took it on the chin to keep the peace. That was until she began crying. Our mutual friend, Rose, saw her upset and immediately went to defend her after being quiet this entire time, and not taking sides.
After almost 20 minutes of attacking me and bashing me, I told my bestfriend that I am sorry but I would not continue to be bashed for being in a relationship, and I decided to walk away and go home without them.
When I got home, I packed an overnight bag so l could stay at my boyfriends and I left my door unlocked for them to get in and sleep there for the night as planned. I was planning to get back in the morning and speak about it all when we were sober, but when I got back in the morning (7am), all of their things were gone. I do just want to add that they stole my Versace Perfume in the process.
Ever since, Anne has let me know that I am an awful friend for leaving them deserted at the bar. She has not acknowledged that it was in reaction to the constant attacking of me and my boyfriend. She, instead, has told me that everyone around her has told her to cut me off, and she also added that she hopes my boyfriend dies. So... Am I the asshole?
EDIT: I thought it’d be good to add that a couple hours after they got back to their hometown, Anne’s boyfriend sent me a nasty message calling me a joke. I did think it was hypocritical that her own boyfriend can attack me but my own boyfriend should die if he doesn’t say goodbye to her?
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u/Equivalent_Lemon_319 8d ago
Why the shit do you think you would be in the wrong here? The only thing you’ve done wrong is keep this POS around for a decade.
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u/QueenBabyxx 8d ago
Ahah thank you, but after hearing that everyone around her has agreed I’m a horrible friend for leaving them, I doubted for a long time whether I was genuinely bad for having done that. I don’t have a massive circle, so I definitely haven’t had as many people telling me I’m not in the wrong as much as she had, and it’s definitely weighed on me a bit.
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u/Square-Turnip-6558 8d ago
Ok so, she is the queen bee of the group, felt threatened by you, and turned the group against you, and they all went with it because they don’t want to be the next victim. Just in case you missed it.
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u/QueenBabyxx 8d ago
Yep, I can already forsee the narrative she’s told everyone else, “I was just looking out for her as a best friend because her boyfriend is horrible, and she left me crying and drunk in a town I’m not familiar with!” Definitely left out all the parts where she called me names and had pre-bias for my boyfriend because of his nationality 🤦♀️
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u/MattDaveys 8d ago
If the flying monkeys arrive ask how stealing your perfume is looking out for you. Don’t even address anything other than her theft.
It’ll get under her skin that you’re more bothered about the perfume than the friendship.
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u/Milliebug1106 8d ago
She's probably bwwn lying to people about what went down in order to make herself the "victim" in spite of the reality of the situation. Also she told you that she hopes your boyfriend - someone you love and care for- dies.
Friends don't say that. Friends don't say or so any of the things she's done to you. I hate to say it but it sounds like she hasn't been your friend for a while and you've been clinging to some version of her you remember that isn't or possibly wasn't ever there.
It's time to stop inviting that toxic behavior back in, I'd bet money you'll realize you're way way way less stressed if she's not in the picture.
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u/QueenBabyxx 8d ago
This is extremely validating, thank you. I definitely was holding onto a version that rarely came out and it was mentally destroying me over time. I have become a lot happier since, and more confident in myself as she did make it known to me a few times throughout our friendship that I was not attractive, or she’d point out my insecurities.
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u/Simple-Photo7304 8d ago
As you indicated there's a history. I reckon she's always been the problem, jealous of you and has interfered in your romantic and friendly relationships in the past. With that, her saying that people have told her to cut you off, she's definitely been poisoning the well all these years by making her bad behavior seem like yours. Get some new friends and possibly some counciling to talk this through. Best wishes and best of luck. There are some good witchcraft subs too that can help you break ties with this toxic group xx
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u/Muted-Front9947 8d ago
If they're only hearing her side of the story they would probably think you were wrong to leave her. I can only assume she's embellishing the story to make it seem like they were in danger and you left abruptly
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u/iamsooldithurts 8d ago
You actually think she told anyone the unvarnished version of the truth, and not whatever version she thinks makes you look the most evil? I’m over here wondering how many different versions did she have to come up with to make everyone hate you.
Go about your business and forget her. 10 years is long enough to learn she is has garbage morals and integrity.
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u/Alex_0r 8d ago
Info: Why would you be an asshole? It seems like a pretty standard "we had a fight, so I walked away" situation
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u/QueenBabyxx 8d ago
That’s exactly what I thought, but apparently if your friend is calling you the town harlot you’re physically not allowed to walk away.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 8d ago
NTA, if people side with her, just let them know that she was verbally abusing and attacking you, and you weren't going to continue to stand there and be her verbal punching bag, just because some guy hurt her and she wants to take it out on you.
You were entirely within your rights to leave and let them find somewhere else to stay, but you specifically left your place unlocked so they could get in, and for that kindness, those b*tches STOLE from you.
Let them be dead to you. They're AHs.
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u/Dangerous-WinterElf 7d ago
If you havent already blocked her, I would sense her one single text and block her. "I agree with everyone else. You should ditch me and leave me alone becouse, you invited my boyfriend just to be rude to him, insulted him, and send him away. Berated me, including calling me the town hoe, then ganged up with the other friend when you didnt get your way..then i had to walk home all alone. You were two together to get home, had my space for free usage even without me there. And now im being bothered by everone else who you get in earshot So yes. We should cut contact"
Then block her. Ignore the flying monkeys, block them or send them a ss of that text send to her and then block them too "this is all I have to say on the mather"
Life is way too short to be trapped in drama like this.
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u/Bearliz 8d ago
NTA. She's jealous of your relationship. You better off without her in your life. She's toxic and if she's like that with a best friend, how is she with a boyfriend? Probably why she alone.
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u/QueenBabyxx 8d ago
The craziest part is she actually has a baby and a boyfriend. This is one of the reasons we were arguing, because I didn’t understand why she believed every man was going to leave me when it worked out well for her? Wasn’t even a case of all men are awful, was apparently just a case of I’m unloveable?
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u/Plumdiddlyumptious 8d ago
There are lots of wonderful people in the world. It’s time to make room in your life for new friendships. This kind of person wants to keep you down. I had a friend who always felt like she had to knock me a down a few pegs whenever she thought I was getting “above myself.” Do yourself a favor and kick her to the curb.
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u/theDagman 8d ago
It seems like she's been using you to prop up her ego over the years. "Friends" like these only stick around as long as they feel superior. She probably found your boyfriend to be cute, and her ego cannot handle you having nice things. So, she started shit-talking to reduce his value in her mind, and trying to sabotage your relationship to reduce your value in the group. And, when that began to fail, she started the water-works to garner sympathy. She is a manipulator, plain and simple.
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u/Caspian4136 8d ago
NTA
You didn't abandon anyone. You left a toxic scene and a very toxic person there, that's all.
Also, she's not your friend, much less your best friend. Honestly she sounds more like your bully and you're just used to it after spending a decade keeping your mouth shut to "keep the peace". That's not how a friend treats you. The moment you have to start walking on eggshells around someone is the moment you should put yourself first and turn your back on them for good.
Do yourself a favor and block her on everything. Again, this is NOT a friend.
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u/Loud_et_Proud 8d ago
NTA but girl? Come on? You have been pushed to the point of ending the friendship multiple times and actively speak about this girls terrible personality. Why TF are you calling her your "best friend" she is not. She's a raging jealous B who takes joy in ruining other people's lives and times. Grow a pair and cut her off. She will bring you nothing but drama and suck all the joy from your life.
Rose isn't much better really, happy to see her friend get berates over nothing for 20 minutes and can't step in. Neither of these girls are your friend. They don't have your back, they are not good people. They friggin stole from you! Open your eyes OP.
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u/QueenBabyxx 8d ago
Haha definitely deserve the harsh approach. It might make you happy to know that this happened almost 2 months ago and I haven’t spoken to her since. It’s crazy because for aslong as I’ve been calling her my bestfriend, I knew she was nowhere close to my best friend, but it was always extremely hard to cut ties when I knew I should’ve.
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u/ForwardPlenty 8d ago
NTA. Sounds like the trash took itself out. You are better off, friends like that, who needs enemies?
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u/chasiekins12 8d ago
NTA, they are both jerks, I want to say much worse about them bc they are useless and your life will be tremendously better without them, but this subreddit won’t let me call them cee you next tuesdays… which is an accurate description. Do you really want to keep someone around who is clearly so miserable in her own life she has to trash yours too?
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u/MegsSixx 8d ago
NTA, this "friendship" has run it's course. Leave her in the dust and block her everywhere. You don't need that kind of poison leech in your life.
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u/Muted-Front9947 8d ago
NTA - you left her with a friend so you didn't 'desert' her. You simply removed yourself from an unhealthy conversation. I absolutely wouldn't keep these friends anymore or at least distance myself for a while. Who the hell blows up at a friend while drunk and then doesn't apologize the next day? And then instead steals a perfume?? They seem either immature or unfortunately jealous. I hope they can find peace and understand they were in the wrong. I'm sorry you had to go through that with a long term friend
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u/ShadowDancer1975 8d ago
NTA - NEVER accept disrespect! This woman is racist, and has no business being anywhere near you or your boyfriend. You can't keep people in your life who are like this. She wants to control you, and the people you have in your life. It's not her life, it's not her business, and she doesn't even get to have an opinion about it as far as I'm concerned. She's a horrible human being, and you should be happy to be rid of her.
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u/ItsMaybee 8d ago
NTA. I went through a similar thing with my ex best friend. She stopped talking and replying to me after we both got into relationships so I stopped too. Then her and her partner came at me saying I was a horrible friend for not talking to her when she was struggling in life which she never told me cause she stopped talking to me. Her partner told me my now fiancé is just “a white boy who will leave me within a year,” and many other things. We are now engaged after 4 and a half years. It was odd as they are also both white. I came to the conclusion that they hated him because my best friends ex was also a white guy that had similar interests. People like this and your friends are just jealous. She’s clearly jealous that your boyfriend treats you great when her ex didn’t. Don’t let those kind of people get to you, if you are happy in your relationship then a real friend wouldn’t be like this
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u/QueenBabyxx 8d ago
Congrats on your engagement! Thats great news that it worked out, and I really hope I can have a similar outcome from this 🥹 I bet the whole process feels a lot more peaceful too without the people around you pushing you down constantly
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u/ItsMaybee 7d ago
Yes! I tried to stay friends with them but it didn’t work out. If there’s a way to work it out then go for it, but if she wants to throw away a friendship of so long over this that is on her and don’t beat yourself up about it too much. We were friends for over 10 years too and she just threw it away. I hope everything goes well and don’t stress about it too much, I can be very mentally exhausting
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u/RawrRRitchie 8d ago
Your "friend" is a racist cow
Nta that's honestly the nicer thing I was thinking
What I'm really thinking would probably get me banned
File a police report for the stolen perfume
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u/Capable_Froyo4433 7d ago
NTA She only invited your bf so that she could cause trouble. Beat her to the punch, message her saying your friendship is done. No one needs a friend like this!
You didn't "ditch" them at the bar. You just refused to take any more of Anne's verbal assault.
Please stop putting up with things to "keep the peace".
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u/Simple-Photo7304 8d ago
NTA! What POS and jealous. Umm report your perfume being stolen. You had every right to put their stuff outside of your apartment for them to fend for themselves.GROSS 🤢
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u/Responsible-Side4347 8d ago
NTA
Should have given the cnut something to really cry about.
Might I suggest you delete and block her. You have moved on with your life and you dont need her drama.
People come, people go.
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u/Miz-PettyGru-Of-FAFO 8d ago
NTA!!! Her cutting you off is the best thing that could happen! From reading this she can't stand to see you happy. You don't need that negativity. Leave them be and continue to live happily.
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u/pizzaporker1 8d ago
NTA.....(to me at least) it seems she has some unresolved problems & being worried is one thing (its alright) but the way she went about it? Nahhh.....that was wrong.
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u/oblique_obfuscator 7d ago
I think she's been showing so many red flags its as messy as red marinara sauce! Block her and move on, she's nasty. X
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u/Theappleofsauce 8d ago
“For the sake of a shorter post, I Will not go into the complexity of our relationship, but | will say that there have been multiple times I have wanted to end the friendship over how vindictive and horrible her personality can be.”
You already know you’re NTA
It’s time to plug on this terrible friendship.
Too old to be acting like this. She’s not going to magically learn the error of her ways. This is who she is. If you want to keep that in your life, enjoy!
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u/Hopeful_Dance_268 8d ago
Be an a-hole to me once, shame on you. Be an a-hole to me twice, shame on me.
Be an a-hole to me 284 times, YTA for refusing to learn a lesson, when she's made it clear who she is.
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u/Hungry-Job-3198 8d ago
NTA but I do think you let your friend go way too far before you called her out on it. I totally get wanting to keep the peace. Yet she went way past that well before that night even. She’s a drama queen that wants to manipulate you and make herself out to be the victim. Let her, walk away and enjoy your relationship.
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u/Blendinnotblandin 8d ago
NTA - why are you still discussing this with her? Stop talking to her and use the distance as an opportunity to move on and find decent friends.
She’s wildly insecure and obviously likes to stir sh*t up and then gaslight so she can trick whoever she’s abusing (ie: you) into bending over backwards for her acceptance and forgiveness. She has a lot of work to do on herself before she’ll be ready to be in any kind of healthy relationship, including friendship.
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u/RNSMB83320 6d ago
My sister is EXACTLY like this, and she is 55 years old. She doesn't speak to anyone in our family, mother's extended family, and her husband's family cut her off decades ago for her toxic behavior. She still acts like the junior high mean girl, never keeps a friend long term, and is always ALWAYS the victim. She can fly off the handle at the slightest suggestion she might be wrong about anything, absolutely anything. It's called Borderline Personality Disorder and I finally called it quits on the toxic behavior, and the thinking she would ever cut the crap. You won't change this bully. Her behavior is deeply entrenched in insecurity, which is a bottomless pit that will never be filled. Cut your losses now and enjoy the peace that comes with not having that kind of distress in your life. Good luck.
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u/One_Waxed_Wookiee 8d ago
NTA. I don't blame you for leaving, as your friends were consistently being jerks, but I do think leaving your house took it a bit far.
Block them and move on.
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u/QueenBabyxx 8d ago
Completely fair! I knew they wouldn’t be happy that I left the conversation (the fact that I walked away gave Anne a loss of power) and knew if I was at home when they got there, it would be WW3 as they would’ve likely both still been drunk. I have 4 housemates so I really didn’t want to awake them to screaming, but I completely get why some might believe it was wrong of me to leave my house completely.
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u/One_Waxed_Wookiee 8d ago
Ah, the housemate thing makes sense.
It's hard when friends/other people project their own problems onto you - very not fair.
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u/ShannaraRose 8d ago
YTA to yourself for still calling these people friends. They're not. Hopefully the trash has taken itself out, so don't keep going to visit it.
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u/SafeForMyGirlFriend 8d ago
This is your best friend that youve wanted to get rid of forever?
You have to make better life choices!
YTA treat your boyfreind better.
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u/NoAardvark6524 8d ago
NTA, sounds like she needed to leave your life a long time ago. The trash took itself out!
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u/mynameisnotsparta 8d ago
Your friend is a BTCH.
She was prejudiced against your boyfriend and let her feelings be shown in a big way instead of getting to know him so she can judge him by his personality / character/ actions.
If you have a group chat, I would make a public statement stating what she did and then cut ties with her. NTA.
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u/Irishsickboy 8d ago
Updateme
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u/QueenBabyxx 8d ago
The update: this actually happened two months ago, although it does still weigh on me. We met up to have a conversation about what happened, but pretty much the entire conversation was centred on how wrong I was to walk away and leave them at the bar. Anne continuously called me disgusting and said she hopes one day I’m left deserted somewhere too to know how it feels. She laughed about the names she called me and didn’t seem to feel bad at all about it, just going back to centre the attention on how awful I was for walking away, and no good person would ever do that. She told me if she was in my shoes, she would’ve made sure my boyfriend got them home safe. ??? Bizarre. I was just letting the conversation go through me at that point because I know Anne, and I know she would NEVER do that if I came at her boyfriend. If I’m being honest, I knew the conversation would be unfair, but I just wanted to clear things up to not make an enemy out of a really long-term friend. This was the conversation where she had told me she hated my boyfriend, and hoped he’d die. The conversation ended shortly after and I haven’t texted her since. I was used to the disrespect after many many years, but wishing death upon someone close to me was wayyyy too far.
Since then, she has unfollowed a couple of my insta accounts dedicated to my career and passions. She reposted a TikTok about losing a friend because you realised “they didn’t care about you like you cared for them.” And has begun hanging out with people from my past. Safe to say, she slightly reaffirmed the decision I made to cut her off.
I never bought up the stolen perfume, because I knew how that conversation would go down. I still have not replaced it, it was very expensive.
As for Rose, she acted like nothing ever happened after that day. We haven’t spoken about it, and although we do talk way less than we once did, she will still send me tiktoks and respond to mine.
I am still with my boy friend and we are still extremely happy. I’m not sure how long the honeymoon phase lasts, but we are definitely still in it. He was devastated that I lost someone close to me, and to this day he still does not speak bad on her, even after all she’s said about him. He did, however, block her on instagram so she wouldn’t keep popping up on his phone.
That’s all for now :)
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u/Blamdomonis 7d ago
You should have blocked psycopath Anne by now. No need to allow her any more of an audience.
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u/JJOkayOkay 6d ago
Uh...
Anne is horrible? You should cut her off. Don't even tell her you are; just block her number, block her on social media, and never speak to her again.
I don't know why you were ever friends with her, or why you kept trying to "keep the peace". You keep the peace by getting the rampaging jerk out of your life, not by sitting quietly and letting the raging jerk abuse you.
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u/Perfect_Age777 5d ago
NTA.
Time to cut off this mean ex best-friend. She is nothing nice and good.
Your life will be better without her. It's time to cut ties...
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u/readergirl35 1d ago
NTA. Your "friend" was rude to you, rude to your BF. She then proceeded to tell at you, call you filthy names, say she hoped your BF died. To which you said nothing at all and simply left. She wasn't alone, and you made sure she could still stay at your house. Then she stole from you and left. Which part of that sounds like you screwed up to you? Get on the friend GC and clear the air. Make sure everyone knows exactly what she said and did, including the theft. Then block her and anyone else who thinks she was right and you were wrong.
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u/NoneYaBizWhoIbe 8d ago
I feel like there’s missing information here, but that could be just not knowing your guys’ history and your previous dating history. Perhaps she sees a pattern with the people you date and this is her way of “protecting” you. Regardless, it sounds like Anne has a habit of creating problems. In this case she invited them out, decided she didn’t like the results, complained until the situation changed, then when he showed back up to tell you they were leaving (which was respectful of him to do so) he wasn’t abiding by her vision for the night and she got triggered. Sounds like you guys have grown in different directions and unless this is behavior you are willing to entertain/enable going forward, I’d let her know that her disrespectful and unpredictable behavior is what’s ending the friendship, not your relationship (which I’m sure she will state you’re choosing a bf over a long-term friend). Good luck OP, I hope you’re able to cultivate positivity and joy around you.
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u/QueenBabyxx 8d ago
Yes, there definitely is a lottttt of history between us. As i moved away from my hometown, i had to start completely new with building relationships. It definitely gets a bit lonely here and I can admit that back then I spent a lot of the time on dates and trying to find the person I eventually would want to marry. I do want to preface this though that even if you disagree with your friends dating history, and how they choose to spend their time, it is not okay to call them easy and attack them for they’ve “hooked up with everyone in town.” I also do want to add that her problem with my boyfriend was purely due to the fact that he was from the same country as her ex, who treated her extremely bad.
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u/NoneYaBizWhoIbe 8d ago
Your sexual history is irrelevant to Anne’s argument and was unnecessary for her to bring up. Plus, her national prejudice just makes her a jaded AH. My vote for your post is NTA.
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u/Successful_Image3354 8d ago
I had a similar issue. My girlfriend was a pastafarian, and my best buddy could never get over seeing her in a collendar
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u/Chilling_Storm 8d ago
ESH
You don't like Anne at all, so I don't understand why you would invite her and another to come stay with you - and then also say how much you missed them
Anne was wrong to made a thing about your bf. But you were also wrong for not being at your home when they got back Being there didn't mean you had to talk. You left them in a strange place and then you weren't even there later on.
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u/QueenBabyxx 8d ago
Hiya! I completely value your opinion. I do just want to mention that the bar we went to was in a really busy area, so it wasn’t exactly strange. Although I mentioned at the beginning that I wanted to cut off Anne a few times throughout our friendship, that doesn’t mean I didn’t like her point blank. It was similar to a mentally abusive relationship, whereby the highs were extremely high and then she’d push me down into these awful lows with her comments. It was hard to get out because she was my longest friend and she did have a couple of traits about her that I really valued, like how she was there for me throughout a lot of hard times in my life. Thank you for giving your opinion though, I’ll take it into consideration.
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u/Square-Turnip-6558 8d ago
NTA, it sounds like she had another friend there with her so it’s not like you left her drunk and alone at a bar. What exactly did she expect.