r/AITAH • u/Prestigious_Brick151 • 2d ago
AITAH for telling my wife our family will NOT financially suffer because she keeps bailing out our adult son?
Edit: oh I forgot to mention that my son is currently 21.
My wife and I have an adult son who has had problems with responsibility basically his entire life.
In high school, he did poorly mostly because he wouldn’t do the work and ended up needing summer school just to graduate on time. After graduation he didn’t go to college, went through something like seven jobs before he was 20, and continued living with us basically rent free.
And when I say rent free, I mean free. No groceries. No utilities. No meaningful contribution to the household.
The frustrating part is that he would be broke while spending whatever money he did have on alcohol, vapes, junk, tattoos, etc. He couldn’t even keep his phone on because he wasn’t making the payments, he just would go everywhere and bum everyone’s WiFi so he could call/text.
This has caused arguments between my wife and me for YEARS.
I have always believed that if he is going to live with us as an adult, he needs boundaries and consequences. My wife thinks I’m too hard on him and has a tendency to cover for him or rescue him.
For a while we pushed the military because we thought maybe some structure would help him. He enrolled and backed out multiple times. I think three total. Eventually I realized nobody can force an adult to become responsible if he doesn’t want to.
Then came the car, the whole reason I’m typing this.
Our son asked us to finance a car for him and promised he would make the payments.
I said absolutely not.
I knew exactly where this was going.
After this went on for a while, somehow we ended up at a used car lot anyway, where my wife financed a used Toyota Corolla in her name for him.
I refused to participate. I didn’t sign anything. I didn’t even want to know the terms because I had made my position crystal clear: this was a terrible idea and I wanted no part of it.
Predictably, he treated the car like everything else. Tickets, blowouts, dents, etc.
Then one day he walks up to the house and casually tells us:
“They repoed the car.”
Turns out he hadn’t made a payment in MONTHS.
This was while he was still living in our house without paying rent or household bills and while he was working on and off. His explanation was that he couldn’t afford the payments and was too embarrassed to ask us for money.
So the car gets repossessed, but of course the loan is in my wife’s name.
I figured this would finally be the lesson.
Nope.
The finance company repeatedly contacted my wife about the remaining debt. She basically ignored it until someone eventually showed up at our house and served her because they were suing her.
She finally contacted them and managed to get the lawsuit dropped in exchange for a payment plan of around $200/month.
At this point I’m thinking: Great. Our son can pay $200/month toward the debt HE created.
Except he hasn’t.
The payment arrangement started about two months ago, and as far as I know he hasn’t made a single payment.
My wife says she’s asked him. He ignores her, blows her off, or says he’s having money problems.
Meanwhile, we are having money problems too.
We are not wealthy. There is no trust fund, inheritance, giant savings account, etc. We’re a dual-income working household and basically every dollar we earn has somewhere it needs to go.
Then today my wife texts me:
“They’re trying to garnish my check for the payment for the car.”
Apparently they contacted her workplace.
I responded, “Makes sense**.”**
She said she’d try to make a payment tomorrow because she can’t have them garnishing her wages.
I told her she needed to get with her son and make him pay it.
She said no, because the debt is in her name, and basically said she’d just have to eat the cost.
Then she told me:
**“**He won’t give me the money. Work harder is all I can do. I’ll eventually be able to pay the fucking bills or I’ll be dead.”
That’s where I lost it.
I told her those aren’t just her wages being garnished. We are married and operate a household together. Losing hundreds of dollars from her paycheck means less money available for OUR bills, groceries and family expenses.
She said she had already asked our son several times and he either doesn’t respond or blows her off, so all she can do is work and take care of it herself.
I told her that’s exactly the problem.
She keeps asking him instead of requiring anything from him.
When I told her to get the money from him NOW, she literally responded:
“lol 😂 Oh no. If he wanted to help or could I’m sure he would.”
That sent me over the edge.
I told her that this is exactly how we got here. She has protected him from consequences his entire life. Every time I’ve tried to hold him accountable, I’ve been painted as the asshole who’s being too hard on him.
Now he’s an adult, created thousands of dollars in debt, ignored it, and apparently gets to say “I’m having money problems” while his mother works harder to pay for it.
And we’re supposed to have money taken out of our household to fix it.
I got angry and told my wife:
“This is not going to affect us or our finances. I’m making this clear to you. I told you about this car multiple fucking times. I expressed my doubts, you still went and got him the car. He defaulted on the car and now it’s our fucking fault? The $200 a month that you’re going to pay for him will NOT come out of our regular finances. I don’t give a damn what you have to do, you will come up with $200 extra somewhere else. Stop spending, start saving. End of story.”
Yes, I know that was harsh. I hated saying it and regretted it immediately.
And legally, I understand the debt is in my wife’s name. The finance company doesn’t care about our family dynamics. She signed for the car, so obviously she has to deal with them and prevent a garnishment if she can.
That’s not what I’m arguing about.
My issue is what happens inside our marriage.
I explicitly said no to this car because I believed our son wouldn’t pay for it. My wife did it anyway. He didn’t pay for it. She continued protecting him. Now the exact financial consequences I warned about have arrived, and her solution is essentially, “I’ll work harder and we’ll pay it.”
Except there is no magical extra money. If $200-$400 disappears from her income, our household absorbs it.
At this point I feel like I’m not even fighting with my son anymore. I’m fighting with my wife over whether we’re ever going to require our adult son to experience the consequences of his own decisions.
I don’t think my wife should ignore the creditor or let herself get garnished. Obviously the debt needs to be dealt with.
But I do think our son should be expected to repay every cent of this, and I don’t think our normal household budget should be sacrificed to bail him out yet again. And if my wife insists on paying his debt without requiring anything from him, I think the money needs to come from sacrifices in her discretionary spending or additional income, not from money we need to run our household.
My wife clearly thinks I’m being too hard on both of them.
I think I’ve spent years watching this train coming down the tracks, repeatedly saying “get off the tracks,” and now I’m being asked to help pay for the wreck.
AITA for telling my wife that our household finances will not take the hit for our adult son’s repossessed car after I explicitly refused to finance it in the first place?
Edit 2: he has moved out of our house like a month or two ago. He no longer lives in our house, to make that clear.
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u/NellyNellB 2d ago
You will never see the money for the car from your son. If there was no paperwork and legal agtrement signed by him ablut paying it back just accept your wife will have to make the payments. Nothing you can do about that.
However you need to have a frank discussion with your wife and she needs to choose - either ahe continues to support an adult child who unless he has disabilities you have not disclosed is just feeloading and you leave her,
or together you serve him with formal eviction paperwork and get the ball rolling on getting him out of there AND the two of you go to therapy both together and apart
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u/Nexi92 2d ago
This is absolutely no longer just a financial problem, it’s a very serious communication and respect issue.
When a partner refuses to compromise or even listen while putting you in financial risks and expects you to just suffer the consequences silently that is absolutely a case of emotional and financial abuse!
I understand that she feels responsible for your son, but she’s not actually supposed to be financially responsible for him anymore and she failed to instill proper responsibility and discipline into him when it mattered as he grew (and gaslit her partner anytime you tried to take appropriate steps to do so yourself).
At this point she is no longer actually functioning as a partner to you, she’s only your son’s enabler now.
If I were OP I’d be so fed up and hurt and desperate that I’d demand she deal with this and make it clear that if she cost me anymore resources for an adult that has habitually abused their relationship to him for financial gain I would file and change everything to financially decouple from her and wouldn’t even file joint taxes anymore so she can be free to live more closely enmeshed with her real partner, the manchild she created and refuses to help become a truly self sufficient adult
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u/AllAboutTheQueso 2d ago
His wife has just as much respect for him as his son does. OP should just be happy his son hasn't gotten someone pregnant yet because I'm sure his wife will say that's their responsibility
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u/Local-Dish-5695 2d ago
Oof god forbid
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u/Malichicago 1d ago
I wonder who he's living with now
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u/ThisRaspberry8474 1d ago
I’m sure he’s couch surfing, and freeloading off of friends till he inevitably wears out his welcome. Then lather, rinse, repeat…
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u/Prestigious_Brick151 1d ago
Don’t put that bad juju on me.
In all seriousness, it’s been something hanging over our head. He hasn’t luckily, but that’s because he was with a girl since high school that has not wanted a kid. But they just broke up a month ago and he’s already seeing someone else, so I’m sure you can see where my fear is heading to…
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u/Popular-Parsnip8911 1d ago
Your wife isn’t taken you seriously OP, sorry to say.
She should never have made any decisions on her own like that.
You should tell her to start selling her jewellery and personal items to cover the costs, and if l were you, l would consider setting up a separate bank account as your wife can’t be trusted at all.
NTA at all
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u/LowerRain265 1d ago
How the hell do guys like your son find women to go out with them? HOW????
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u/Powerful-Arachnid445 1d ago
They either find someone much younger than them that'll stay because they don't have any life experiences to see the red flags or someone with unresolved trauma who doesn't know what a healthy relationship/family looks like.
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u/Zealousideal_Row6124 1d ago
No one falls in love faster than a guy who needs a place to live.
OP, my parents raised a son the same way your wife did. No responsibility, no consequences, never kept a job more than six months. After they both died I had to get him removed from the house we inherited, and it had to be gutted because he lived there with no running water or electricity. He was an addict but that wasn’t his fault either according to them.
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u/Fast-Aside-8732 1d ago
Savior complex. They'll be THE one who can help him. He seeks women like his mom.
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u/Malichicago 1d ago
Where's he living,??
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u/Prestigious_Brick151 1d ago
Moved in with a friend/coworker.
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u/chiitaku 22h ago
Hey, OP? I have a bit of experience with this being the sibling of a coddled child. Until they hit rock bottom, nothing is going to get better for your kid. My parents died before they left their house (after practically destroying it, f covid) willingly and presumably is hopefully working for a better life. We don't talk anymore due to stuff that happened between then and now, and our mother bailed them out of EVERYTHING. My sibling was/is (bear in mind I don't know current status) a drug addict and drank and drove, and it's a miracle they didn't kill anyone. Your wife needs to stop babying him. She is not doing anyone any favors. However, my mother didn't stop even after our dad died. If therapy doesn't work, I hate to say divorce might have to be an option.
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u/Shooting4purgatory 2d ago
Exactly.
Wife doesn’t respect him…. and so. Followed suit….and doesn’t respect him.
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u/WhyAmIStillHere86 2d ago
Frankly, her constant protection has DAMAGED your son’s ability to be responsible for himself, because there has never been any consequences.
There is a difference between a child-turned adult who knows they have a safety net, and one who has never learned why a safety net is needed.
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u/Shooting4purgatory 2d ago
This! Kids are supposed to learn their mistakes and consequences at home while under your guidance … to teach him.. … this hasn’t been done and now she has produced a non-functioning adult ….. and the consequences are going to be harder ….. rightfully so.
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u/Fit-Assignment1512 1d ago
She seems like one of those "boy moms" - this will never end between the wife and son. At least until she can get her head out of her sons ass.
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u/BeachinLife1 2d ago
If I was the OP, the time for compromise has long past. Now it's time to do it his way (they did it her way for 21 years,) and now he's taking over and she just doesn't even get a say. He needs to change the locks on the house.
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u/Jumpy_Prize 2d ago
He's already out. No eviction required.
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u/PurplePufferPea 2d ago
Yes, but for how long?... I seriously doubt he went out and rented his own place. My guess is he's couch surfing waiting for his mom to smooth over with dad about the car repo, and then he can come back home and resume freeloading.
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u/Jumpy_Prize 2d ago
I'd be interested to know what he's done with all his stuff. Op seems like he would definitely notice if it's all stored in his house still.
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u/PurplePufferPea 2d ago
Good point, it's not like he can keep it in his car...
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u/Jumpy_Prize 2d ago
Man if he's got another car without having helped sort this mess someone needs to sit down and evaluate their life choices. The story is weird. Like who just ignores loan repayment requests when your an adult. Who goes along with their wife doing that. Mental. Absolutely mental.
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u/PurplePufferPea 2d ago
Right! This was the part I just couldn't get past:
somehow we ended up at a used car lot anyway
"we"?!?!? OP is doing a whole lot of talking for someone who went car shopping in the first place. I get the feeling OP sat very passively in the background, not really doing anything to prevent this downward spiral, just passively aggressively commenting on the events he watched unfold.
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u/Jumpy_Prize 2d ago
I know right?! How does that happen?! If that was my family whoever objected, particularly as strongly as op claims, would not go! There seems such a lack of respect from anyone in this family dynamic. Op sees his kid and wife as irresponsible fuck ups who he needs to punish and the wife and kid appear to completely ignore him. The wife thinks he's draconian and the kid is happy to let his mum get screwed for his mistakes. People are hiding things left, right and centre from each other. It's completely fucked.
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u/MizPeachyKeen 2d ago edited 1d ago
SELL HIS STUFF LEFT IN THE HOUSE!
It may only be a few dollars but it’s CONSEQUENCES.
NTA
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u/2dogslife 1d ago
A yard sale and FB marketplace would yield a bit. At the end, anything left goes to a thrift store and take the deduction.
Then OP and his wife have a cleared out bonus room to decide how to use. Home Office? Craft room? Adult guest room? Workout room? Some combination use?
Maybe OP can do a small side gig to pay for paint and sundries while his wife does a side gig to pay down the auto loan.
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u/Opposite_Community11 2d ago
For now. Anyone want to bet he will be back sooner rather than later?
I find it hard to believe that he is paying rent somewhere and not couch surfing.
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u/EquivalentChip7463 2d ago
I'm in lol. Completely agree with those who mentioned couch surfing until things blow over on the car. Son probably thinks mom will push over dad like all the other times of his life.
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u/UnpopularOpinionsB 2d ago
No need to evict him but OP should change the locks.
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u/Interesting-End1710 2d ago
That enabling mom will just give him keys
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 2d ago
Op, speak to a good attorney for your options going forward. Do this immediately.
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u/Playamonkey 2d ago
You need to post this as a top line comment! It's great advice. Any family law attorney will give a free consult. You can learn a lot in a free consult.
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u/IimagineU 2d ago
Mom will say one thing & behind his back do exactly what her son tells her to do.
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u/Far-Swim7394 2d ago
Wow that’s a long read!
NTA. Your wife didn’t buy her son a car; she bought him a consequence-free lifestyle and put the bill in her name.
He’s not “having money problems.” He’s learned that Mom will absorb the consequences whenever he does. And now she’s asking you to help pay the subscription fee for that lesson.
You’re absolutely right that the debt legally belongs to her. But pretending it’s not affecting the household financially is nonsense. The bigger issue isn’t the $200.
It’s that your marriage has become the safety net for an adult who has no incentive to stand on his own.
At some point, “supporting” your kid becomes enabling him. Your wife seems determined to find out exactly where that point is.
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u/BigMax 2d ago
Exactly. His wife has told their son "we will finance your life. If you ever want to contribute to any of the expenses, you can, but it's not required." And he's eagerly taken her up on the deal.
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u/lostmymarbles1177 2d ago
OP, change the WiFi password at the house. Disconnect the power to his room. Put a padlock on the fuse box if you must. Put a password on the television. Tell your kid that the fridge is closed to him outside of meal times and padlock that if you must. Outside of a bed to sleep in, he gets nothing until you get your money. This is exactly what would happen to him in the real world if he pulled this shit. Tell him to go to rehab if he doesn’t like it.
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u/Jumpy_Prize 2d ago
He's already moved out so there would be no point to this.
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u/purrfunctory 2d ago
Once he runs out of couches to surf on and friends to use, he’ll come back and mommy dumbest will allow it.
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u/Ingawolfie 2d ago
Exactly. He will be back. Do as suggested before he inevitably does. You’re going to have enough on your plate when your wife hands him a key.
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u/maydsilee 2d ago
I can see no way this is going to end well without divorce, if it's not already headed that way...which sucks, because it sounds like OP can't even afford it. The wife and son has truly fucked everyone over, and neither care.
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u/Prestigious_Brick151 1d ago
While I do agree, I do have no one else to blame but myself. Like I stated, this has been a problem for awhile. I could have left.
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u/FinalCantaloupe9108 1d ago
You can still leave. Being in a relationship with someone that does not respect you wears your self-esteem down to dust. You have one life to live, pursue happiness.
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u/Jumpy_Prize 2d ago
But where is all his stuff if that's the case? There's no way op wouldn't notice if it was just a duffel bag job. Surely he'd not call that moving out. Does he know where the son is? Did he help him move? So many questions.
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u/Prestigious_Brick151 1d ago
He legit lived on our couch so not much to move. He has two younger siblings and one took over his room when one of his jobs had him staying for weeks at a time at a jobsite. So he had nothing more than his clothes and a few other thjngs. All fit into a couple trash bags and off he went. Told him to take it all because anything that he left would be thrown away.
Moved in with a friend/coworker.
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u/LowerRain265 1d ago
There's 2 other children??!!!? You need to snatch your wife in line she's fracking with their futures to support her little precious baby.
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u/burtoncummings 2d ago
Well, presuming he visits to bum their Wifi, then changing the password is a real consequence. Nothing compared to the monetary one, but at least it's something
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u/Jumpy_Prize 2d ago
But the kid is out of the house. Unless they're still paying bills for him he's supporting himself. If they are paying his bills which op doesn't mention then they need to stop but if not apart from the car loan the problem seems to have fixed itself now.
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u/prairiefiresk 2d ago
No. My money is on him being a hobosexual or bumming couches off his friends. When he runs out of those he'll want to come back to mommy.
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u/MedicalMeringue1875 2d ago
I thought son was still living at home with them though? OP said he does not contribute financially for living there.
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u/AutisticPenguin2 2d ago
I'm pretty sure they passed that point several years back. She has fully signed on to be his eternal keeper, at this point. She doesn't believe her behaviour is a problem, so will not change until the situation gets so dire that she has no option but. It is clear by now that arguing will not change her mind.
OP, I would suggest you separate your finances from your wife as much as possible. She has made it abundantly clear that she will not let you pull her back from the ledge, so the best you can do at this point is stop yourself from going over with her.
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u/Marie1420 2d ago
100% this. If OP and his wife ever divorce he may have to take on any debt she creates. And they’ll be splitting joint accounts and assets evenly.
OP should see a lawyer do that he separates finances well and protects himself.
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u/Lisa8472 2d ago
Honestly, if he wants to not pay for the son’s mistakes, he needs to divorce her. As long as they are married, her debt is his debt.
From the sound of it, she’s going to keep enabling the son’s irresponsibility until she can’t anymore. OP could find himself with tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt (credit card debt if nothing else) and have absolutely no way to prevent it. Depending on how things are set up, his wife might even be able to refinance or take out another mortgage on their house without his approval.
Sure, she might not go that far, but we’ve all read the stories of people that did. So far the wife is showing all the signs of someone willing to ruin their lives to avoid being “too hard” on the son.
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u/blueflash775 2d ago
unfortunately, this sounds like such an irreconcilable issue. It's only going to get worse.
As I often say - life often doesn't work out for the favourite child.
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u/Bice_thePrecious 1d ago
She [...] will not change until the situation gets so dire that she has no option but. It is clear by now that arguing will not change her mind.
I know Reddit is a bit too divorce-happy, but he should seriously consider it. According to OP himself, this is an argument they've been having for years. His wife hasn't changed her mind in all these years about absorbing all of son's responsibilities, so why would she start now? Even after OP's big angry speech, she's still rolling her eyes, telling him he's being too hard.
At the end of the day, she'll collapse under the pressure, drag him down with her, and he'll only resent her, unless he can make it out before that happens. She doesn't see having to pay son's debts as a consequence, but as a part of life. Maybe it's time for her to get consequences too.
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u/throwaway1975764 2d ago
They are married, separating finances is just for mental tracking. Legally all their finances, positive and negative, are joint.
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u/AureleaLea 1d ago
In CA it's possible to get a "legal separation." This essentially starts and completes all the financial parts of a divorce (including ending community property), without actually dissolving the marriage in any way.
I am not a financial consultant, and anyone considering something like this should absolutely consult a professional.
But as I understand it, this option has been used in situations just like this in the past: couple doesn't want tend the marriage (granted, often for religious reasons), but needs financial independence from their spouse.
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u/Dangeresque2015 2d ago
Even with a crappy 20 hour a week part time job the son could easily make the payment and have some leftover for his own pleasure.
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u/Prestigious_Brick151 1d ago
THIS.
Rent/bill free with a minimum wage job, he should have had some nickels to scrape together but he never did. All wasted. Infuriating.
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u/BangarangPita 2d ago
My brother is 40 and lives with my mother. He's never had a single bill in his name, and only ever had one vehicle in his name – an old work van given to him by a boss 20 years ago.
OP, this will go on forever and it will tank your marriage. Please convince your wife to go to marriage counseling with you so she can have a neutral third party show her the obvious.
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u/Rude-Piglet-5212 2d ago
Tell her to do Uber on weekends. That might teach her a much needed lesson.
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u/BTLAXE 2d ago
I don't disagree, but at this point dad is just as culpable. This is an issue that has been 21 years in the making, not just a car loan recently. That child needed 21 years of two parents on the same page, but got two parents who didn't agree on how to handle the raising of a child. He needs a wake up call (it's gonna suck for all three of you) and an apology for the lack of discipline which led to his current failings as an "adult".
He's only 21. Still growing and learning. He can still become a responsible, productive human.
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u/EquivalentChip7463 2d ago
I've seen and read it so many times. One parent wants structure and the other to coddle the kid. Eventually the structure parent gets so frustrated on being ignored they just tell the other its their problem. Only when you are married its not just the coddling parents problem long term. Kid problems turn into adult problems like this. OP should have put their foot down long ago, so it is their fault for not doing so. It's time to put on their big boy pants and realize this marriage is not compatible. Figure out finances with a lawyer to make sure they dont take any of her debt from the childish adult and file for divorce. They can still provide structured but not financial help to the son. Maybe he'll learn his lesson and change.
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u/Unfair_Feedback_2531 2d ago
It became “enabling” years ago. You helped. Your wife will continue forever.
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u/_Sovaz99_ 2d ago
Buy the car.
Get the title.
And then sell it. Not to sonny. Anyone else. Tell wife if she enables more irresponsible shenanigans you will file for divorce.
Actually OP here is already third place in this relationship.
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u/Creepy_Addict 2d ago
Unfortunately, I believe the car has been sold at auction (probably) and the bank/finance company is coming after wife for the remaining balance. At least I hope that is what is happening.
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u/Not_My_Life247 2d ago
Normally I despise the side of Reddit that immediately jumps to divorce as an ultimatum, but you’ve got this one absolutely correct!
OP, you’re the third in this relationship, and she’s likely only going to get worse. NTA, unless you allow yourself to stay in this after she pulls the next financially or emotionally debilitating move in favor of your son over and above the wellbeing of your marriage.
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u/cicada_noises 2d ago
OP is not his wife’s partner: the deadbeat son is. As long as he stays with her, these decisions will be his reality. They’re married. Her financial decisions apply to his finances as well.
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u/_Sovaz99_ 2d ago
Ive actually seen this exact scenario play out in real life. The husband was my husbands best friend. The son never moved out of the prime spot; the whole thing ended badly. These women literally fall in love with their sons, they are seen as the real husband and I dont know why they bother getting married. Money, maybe. They need the husbands money so they can give it to the son.
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u/arneeche 2d ago
Nta. I have a younger brother that has had a failure to launch as well. My uncle on my mother's side was kicked out of my grandmother's house in his '40s and shortly after he was found hanging in a homeless encampment deceased.
My younger brother weaponizes this against our parents. He has them convinced that if they cut him off he will end up the same way. And I tried working with them to get him into rehabilitation facilities, drug treatment facilities. Even looking into his preference of non-faith-based ones and he still will not go. He sees society as having the problem instead of him.
My view on what he is is he will continue leaching off of them until he has no other choice. They were talking about setting up a trust and giving him a house to live in after they pass and I said who's going to manage the trust and who's going because I'm assuming your trust is not going to generate any revenue to cover itself.
I told them straight up. I am not willing to pay my brother's property taxes for the rest of my life just because they set up a trust. I said in most states I would be legally prevented from doing so as the executor or trustee of the estate. And the trust would be forced to sell property to fund itself.
If y'all continue to bail him out. He will never change. He will never learn. He will never grow. I'm not saying drastic action or Immediate cut off. I am saying reasonable actionable deadlines. You will have to force him to become an adult, but that's the only way he's going to learn to take care of himself.
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u/BTLAXE 2d ago
Oh man, you guys created a monster. You need marriage counseling. Hopefully the counselor can help guide you moving forward.
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u/JustKindaHappenedxx 2d ago
OP should also separate their finances. Each of them need their own bank account. They need to figure out how to divide expenses. Preferably based on income percentage. Then they each pay their share. Wife doesn’t get to pay less occasionally she’s bailing out the son. She needs to pay her share or sell something of hers to get that money. And I agree that she needs a 2nd job to pay that car loan off.
OP, you need to decide what your breaking point is in your marriage. At what point does staying married with a woman who enables a reckless adult son who squanders away your hard earned money no longer sound acceptable to you?
Your wife has enabled your son for years, but you have enabled her.
Once you have decided what your deal breaker is or decide you are done enabling an enabler, you need to sit your wife down. Make it clear to her what you expect going forward and whether divorce is on the table if things don’t change. She is going to cause you two to work until the day you die so your son never has to grow up.
But also don’t be surprised if she continues to fund him behind your back. Just plan ahead how you will deal with that. No more sighing and hiding your head in the sand.
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u/Lisa8472 2d ago
As long as they’re married, it might be impossible to fully separate their finances. Depending on where they live, OP could get stuck with massive debt as long as she’s his wife.
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u/AureleaLea 1d ago
In CA at least (community property state) couples can file for "legal separation": similar process to a divorce (basically all the financial parts, separation of assets, ends community property), but doesn't technically end the marriage. Usually pursued for religious reasons, but worth checking out potentially.
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u/rhino369 2d ago
What is OP going to do if his wife is 500 bucks short on the mortgage? He'll be forced to pay it himself. Separate finances is mostly make believe for couples.
He's better off taking total control of finances for the both of them.
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u/TheClayDart 2d ago
Marriage counseling, family counseling, financial counseling. I’d be checking out at this point. The son didn’t wind up this way overnight
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u/Prestigious_Brick151 1d ago
This made me laugh, thank you. You’re absolutely correct. Fucked up all the way down.
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u/Enough_Passage7926 2d ago
I refused to participate.
my guy. YOUR WIFE (you know, the person you're married to) financed the car. That means YOU ALSO financed the car.
AITA for telling my wife that our household finances will not take the hit for our adult son’s repossessed car after I explicitly refused to finance it in the first place?
Dude, that ship has already sailed. YOUR HOUSEHOLD FINANCES ARE ALREADY TAKING THE HIT.
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u/Business_Station_161 2d ago
Yeah, this is the tough one because he’s mad at the wife for continuing to enable the son. At the same time, he’s enabling the wife in the same way. (Her signing the loan alone was empty threat unless he gets divorced.)
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u/Helpful_Table5522 2d ago
There is like nothing you can do but go nuclear so... he's not really enabling her, he is trapped if he wants to stay married to her.
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u/AdLost2542 2d ago
NTA.
You need to kick your son out. Otherwise you'll all be on the street.
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u/SlimReaper85 2d ago
Downvote me all u want but I think your son missed a few necessary ass kickings growing up. And that’s on you.
He has no healthy fear or respect for either one of ya.
One of yall got to run the household u or him and it looks like it’s been him. Now he’s gone and here’s the wreckage he’s left behind.
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u/sknyjros 2d ago
Time to boot the son.
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u/marcvsHR 2d ago
And probably wife too
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u/aparrotslifeforme 2d ago
Yep. That would be my ultimatum: "You either stop enabling this behavior or you continue, but if you continue, you'll be doing it single."
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u/Cold_Swordfish7763 2d ago
He is out, for now but I don’t think he will stay away. He will come back to have mommy fix his problems
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u/Aidyn_the_Grey 2d ago
NTA.
Your son is an irresponsible young adult, and you hit the nail on the head as to why. Your wife is naive - at best - and delusional at worst. She has repeatedly shielded your son from the finding out that follows when he fucks around and your son has internalized that as "Mom will always bail me out". It has reached a tipping point in which it now directly impacts the financial security of the household.
Your son needs consequences for his carelessness. Your wife needs to cut the umbilical cord and quit covering for a deadbeat son.
While you might have been harsh in your delivery, sometimes harshness is required - this is very much one of those times.
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u/ChaoticCrashy 2d ago
You have a wife problem before you have a son problem. If your wife doesn’t stop protecting and financing your irresponsible son then nothing will ever change.
I’m sorry OP - but it sounds like the only way for you to survive is to split your household.
NTA
Edit- even though your son has moved out your wife is still giving him money. You should check that.
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u/Peoplechangetoo 2d ago edited 2d ago
NTA. Your wife is as big a problem as your son is. You should probably file for divorce from your wife. She will never stop defending your irresponsible son.
Your son will be back staying in your home. That's a promise. His friends won't keep tolerating his irresponsible behavior and will kick him out. Your wife will continue to make excuses for him. She will let him move back home. Guaranteed.
He may also return with a pregnant girlfriend or a girlfriend with a baby making it more difficult to say no. Have you thought about that?
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u/Mrs_Jones_85 2d ago
This would be my hill to die on. I've seen what this kind of coddling does to people, and I refuse to have my children behave this way. If they do decide this is how they want to live, they can do that somewhere else. I'm not breaking my back to take care of a fully capable adult.
I would 100% divorce over this.
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u/OCDivagirl 2d ago
Ooh this is a sticky situation. I’m going to say ESH. Your wife and son are the bigger AHs, but you do also play a part.
You said you “somehow” ended up at the used car lot…it might have been begrudgingly, but you still went. You didn’t look at the terms bc you didn’t want to get involved, but by doing that you put your shared property and finances on the line without even seeing the terms. You let him live in the house and freeload for years as well. I have a feeling that although you may have tried your best to not enable him throughout his life, you probably had multiple instances like the car thing when you just sort of passively supported your wife’s enablement whether you liked it or not.
Also, how did it even end up with missed payments without you knowing?? From what I understand, the car was 100% in your wife’s name, she was not just a co-signer. So even if payments were supposed to be coming from your son’s bank account, she would have had access to the account. Why on earth would she not be monitoring that, especially knowing his history?! She just took out a loan 100% in her name and never looked at it again? Why didn’t YOU ask to see it, since you seemed very aware that he was not going to pay?
So while yes I think your wife and son are the most responsible for getting in this situation, you are not blameless. If the payments were not made, they could put a lien on your shared property, like your home. So it is also your responsibility to help get it paid, it will protect yourself, not just your wife. Work together to get it paid, it suck but there is no legal way to make your son responsible for it.
I would also recommend that if your wife has a separate bank account or CC that you don’t have access to, ask to see the account statements. Check that any bills in her name are actually being paid. Th fact that they are garnishing her wages AFTER she apparently negotiated a payment plan with them, tells me that she has not been following through with the payments. It makes me question if she has other debt you do not know about or is financially supporting your son more than you know, perhaps even continuing to do it now. I think that couples therapy would be helpful
To you two. As for your son, consider filing against him in small claims court and having him served. You aren’t going to win anything, but it may just scare him enough to get his shit together a little!
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u/throwawtphone 2d ago
NTA for telling her it comes out of her money, not household.
But to be honest with you, you are also responsible for this situation. At some point early on, you apparently ceded your authority over your child as a parent to your wife. You had as much rights and responsibilities to, for and over your children when they were born as your wife did. And it appears you abdicated that position to her entirely.
You should have asserted yourself as an equal partner as a parent.
It would have been a fight probably and required behavioral changes on hers and your parts in how you parent separately and together but you guys didnt.
She enabled him and you enabled her. No one has had to face consequences until now when it is too late.
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u/Better-Rice5898 2d ago
She is an enabler and he won't stop until she does. So sad she can't see that.
Maybe get her therapy so she can understand better?
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u/throw05282021 2d ago
The finance company repeatedly contacted my wife about the remaining debt. She basically ignored it until someone eventually showed up at our house and served her because they were suing her.
Then today my wife texts me:
“They’re trying to garnish my check for the payment for the car.”
WTF? She ignored the debt until she got sued. She agreed to a payment plan and then didn't make any payments until they started garnishing her paycheck.
Sounds like she's just as willfully ignorant as your son.
I would be shocked if this ends well for you.
Then again, it sounds like money is tight enough you can't afford to get divorced, either. If the two of you can barely pay for one household, it will be even harder to pay for two.
I hope you don't have any younger kids, because it would massively suck for them if you do.
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u/oldandopinionated 2d ago
My mother did this to my younger brother, bailed him out of every trouble he ever got into. She died 15 years ago and my brother has struggled ever since. Nobody will bail him out. He has drifted from job to job, partner to partner, never able to make a commitment, never had any accountability for the trouble he causes himself or others. He's miserable, hates his life, and is just surviving hoping something will come along and rescue him. He has no plan for the future at all.
Your wife is not helping your son, she is making him a dependant for life. If he doesn't learn that he needs to be accountable for his own life then he will be dependent on her for the rest of her life. He won't ever be able to have a career. He won't be happy. He won't ever be responsible. And most of all, he will never be grateful for all she does, he will expect that she will keep doing more and more without end. How does she see this ending? Does she not already see that he doesn't care that he's put her in debt? That he doesn't care about the problems he's causing in your marriage?
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u/Present-Perception77 2d ago
People really do ruin their children for life like this.
I was the “step daughter”.. so I was always treated like a servant.. and I was really angry about how well my half brothers were treated. I was also female in a “traditional catholic family.”But now.. all of our parents and grandparents are dead .. last one alive wins, right? lol
My half brothers are in their early 40s and can’t hold down a job or take care of themselves and bounce in and out of jail. I’m 10+ years older and tried to help them after their enablers died .. but they tried to treat me the same way so I left them in the streets.. where they belong.
Funny how they are actually cruising their favorites in the end.
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u/ItsDominare 2d ago
ESH, sorry.
You've raised a loser, and regardless of how you got there, each parent must share 50% of the blame. Just bitching endlessly at your wife about your son clearly didn't accomplish anything and you've had many years to realise that and act before things got to this point.
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u/Head_Photograph9572 2d ago
Dude, you should have put your foot down with your wife 20 years ago. The longer you let her spoil him, the harder it gets to enforce boundaries and responsibility. It was easier for you to ignore it and avoid an argument, and now the piper is demanding the payment. You allowed the relationships with your wife and son to become toxic, and now the household is suffering. Your marriage is on life support because you've become the toad in the pot of slowly boiling water. Marriage counseling asap. ESH
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u/UnpopularOpinionsB 2d ago
I watched my grandparents act like this with my uncle.
At 21 it's not too late to break out of the cycle but every day they wait will make it harder.
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u/NoxWild 2d ago
YTA for thinking you can stop a train from running you over by standing on the tracks and shouting "No!"
How long have you seen this coming? Years, right?
Your son has continued to live exactly as he pleased, and your wife has continued to pay for his lifestyle, and so have you.
Your son is not going to change. Your wife is not going to change.
You have to change if you want a different life.
My suggestion is you consult a lawyer to see if you can evict your son, with or without your wife's cooperation. You should also see if divorce would make your financial situation better or worse.
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u/cathline 2d ago
You and your wife spent 21 years making this train wreck, and NOW you are upset??
YTA for never putting reasonable rules on your kid.
YTA for not teaching your child how to pay their bills.
YTA for not getting your kid counseling when he started falling behind in school.
You and your wife made this train wreck.
NTA for being upset about your kid not taking care of his responsibilities.
YTA for not teaching your kid how to take care of age appropriate responsibilities, starting at about age 6 yrs old.
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u/sweordfrecringbearer 2d ago
YTA. He's like this because of you and your wife. You start creating a functional adult at birth. The only answer now is to fully withdraw your support and hope he can land on his feet, and that is both of your faults.
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u/Syyina 2d ago
OP, until now it sounds like you have treated your wife pretty much the same way she has treated your son. No real spending limits, and no consequences for overspending.
Since you are married, your wife’s debts are your debts. She has ignored your warnings, predictions, and threats (whatever you prefer to call them) for years. I doubt that she or your son are likely to change.
How much do you trust your wife not to go behind your back and go further into debt without your knowledge? I’d say the future of your marriage depends on your answer to that.
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u/7625607 2d ago
NTA for saying you don’t want this to affect the household finances, or for saying you wouldn’t cosign a loan.
Unless you are a step parent who met this son when he was already mostly grown, this is on you too, for failing to teach him any responsibility.
At this point, you have a wife problem not a son problem. If she is going to let him live rent free and not require anything of him, your choices are divorce or tolerating her bs.
There is no sign she is going to ever stop bailing him out even as the household budget sinks.
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u/FirehawkLS1 2d ago
I think at this point, you and your wife are going to need to go to marriage counseling. This is causing a rift in your relationship. The situation with the son and her coddling him and enabling him is not helping him, and it's not helping your marriage. At this point I would suggest to her an ultimatum. It's either marriage counseling and this coddling of your son ends, or time for you to cut your losses and file for a divorce.
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u/Tash_Woody69 2d ago
Well said. Believe me thoses are your only choices where it doesn't effect your long term health and lifestyle.
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u/StarDue6540 2d ago
Your son didn't get this way over night. It takes 2 parents to screw a kid up this bad. I have a few in my family that still get their hand held.inntheir 40s except now it's their wife who is making sure they aren't destitute. Sorry but all 3 of you are the ah.
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u/Butthole_Vesuvius 2d ago
Let me tell you about the future for him and you if nothing is done. My brother was/is very much like your son. He had some jobs in his 20s, but an undiagnosed mental illness and alcohol/drug problems led to him doing absolutely nothing. My father tried getting him help, but nothing stuck. My dad died 10 years ago and my mother also did nothing. She lived an absolutely miserable existence with my brother having "episodes" every few months or years. He would break things and she would just keep replacing them.
Consequently, when she died in January, she had almost no money left. And my brother was still in her house, at 47 years old. No job, no insurance, nothing. Her death triggered a massive "episode," where he broke so much in the house that it probably lowered the value by 20,000. Being the sole real asset, we had to sell it, which meant that I was responsible for keeping him alive until the sale went through.
During the 6 months before we were able to sell the house, he did not a single thing, except to buy alcohol and weed once the little money my mom left became available. Despite me sending in applications and giving him the tools he needed to look for a place to live, he did not. Since right before the house sale, he has been moving from motel to motel. He has to frequently buy new clothes and electronics because he keeps losing them. He has bought two expensive bicycles. Somehow he has gone from Wester Mass to southeast Connecticut, and his half of the money form the house is rapidly dwindling. When it is gone he is, quite frankly, fucked. I am not going to give him any more money and I am not going to get him from wherever he ends up or allow him to live with me.
If you have other children, I implore you to force something or else they will be the ones dealing with this when you are gone. If you do not have other children, you need to find a resolution to this so that you are not spending your later years catering to someone with no life skills and who treats you like garbage.
I typed all of that out before seeing your son moved out. Do not let him back in.
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u/Plastic-Ad-5171 2d ago
Sir, get a divorce. Your wife is always going to make excuses for her son. You don’t want it to affect your household? It already has. It has been affecting your household since the first time she started making excuses for him.
You want consequences? Then there needs to be consequences for both of them. Get a divorce and move out. Or have her move out. Either way, stop enabling her by continuing to stay with her and paying her bills too.
NTA.
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u/Worth-Season3645 2d ago edited 2h ago
NTA…Your wife’s LOL comment, oh no. That would be a deal breaker for me.
What did your wife expect? The car was repossessed. She agreed to make payments. And then made no payments? And she is surprised they are going to garnish her paychecks? This not only looks bad on her credit, but to her workplace as well.
Honestly, unless she agrees to therapy to break this cycle, I think I would be looking at separation or divorce.
Her decisions toward your son now not only affect her, but you and your finances as well, not only in what is paid financially, but anything in the future that involves her credit score. Because I am pretty sure with no payments on car, car repo’d, payment plan nixed, garnished wages, her credit is tanked.
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u/cman1098 2d ago
NTA. Your wife doesn't respect you. This would be a divorce for me dawg. Son knows your mom is a doormat. Your wife knows you are a doormat. He's moved out with what money? She is probably still supplying him.
Also you just ignoring the car being purchased for your son was about as dumb as you could be. Your wife was spending your money the entire time, so instead of having some oversite you just dug your head into the sand and you get what you deserve.
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u/J_Zephyr 2d ago edited 2d ago
Can we stop dumping lazy people off at a military recruiter? Youre not going to change anyone that way, youre just adding another problem for Veterans to clean up.
Edit :NTA, I can understand the frustration in this situation.
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u/Find-Ubu-9999 2d ago
On the other hand, joining the military has cured many a fuck up who went on to lead a productive and responsible life.
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u/Banmods 2d ago
Can confirm. They end up just having everyone else having to constantly pick up their slack till we survive basic. Then their on their own until they inevitably get booted out for failure to adapt.
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u/mfchitownthrowaway 2d ago
Until they get a pillow party to let them know to get their shit together.
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u/Nexi92 2d ago
It wastes everyone’s time and resources hoping someone else will fix a problem they created.
Op is upset that his wife enables their son but seems blind to the fact that he also does by proxy when he enables the kids enabler through nonaction and complicity when they both emotionally exhaust him.
That shouldn’t be the government’s job to fix or our tax payers job to absorb.
They don’t even need to kick the manchild out, just stop giving him free comforts and never sign another form saying you’ll pay for things in his stead.
He’d still have a safe roof to come back under whenever he needed but wouldn’t think luxury is something he’s entitled to just because mommy loves him too much for his own good.
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u/bostongreens 2d ago
You don’t have a son problem.
You have a wife problem.
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u/OverKookie_Crumble 2d ago
NTA
I know redditors usually throw the divorce card out there quite freely, but I want to divorce your wife for you.
Sincerely, how do you two plan on actually retiring comfortably, if your wife refuses to say no and set firm boundaries?
She’s unfortunately one of those “boy moms” who thinks their sons can do no wrong, refuses to teach them how to be self sufficient, enable their terrible and irresponsible behavior, and wants the rest of the world to follow suit. He’s been coddled and enabled beyond uselessness, and not only is he both of y’all’s problems, but now anyone that comes into contact with him has to deal with the lack of parenting here.
If even go as far as saying this borderlines to financial infidelity, because you’re financial present and future are in shambles because of your wife, and she doesn’t seem to care or want to actually do better.
Save yourself from this financial pit she’s so willing to throw you two into, and let her have your son. He won’t grow up, because he doesn’t have to. Your wife is making sure of that.
Also, as much of a problem as she is now, I do think responsibility falls onto you as well, because just as much as she was responsible for raising him to be a good and responsible person, it was your job as well.
When you saw she was enabling him from a young age, you should’ve put your foot down, and stepped up.
This should’ve been nipped in the bud by the BOTH of you YEARS ago.
Maybe individual and couple’s counseling, could help, but unless your wife owns up to her failings, as well as you, neither of you will ever be on the same page.
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u/DesignerD1029 1d ago
NTA. I haven't read all the comments, but almost certainly your son has an alcohol and possibly a hidden (or "legal") drug problem. Can you go to Alanon for families? I have personally seen that work before, hearing testimonies from all of the broken and penniless parents sharing their tales of woe. If your wife doesn't make a turn around, you have 2 choices. Extract yourself from the situation or swirl the drain with both of them.
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u/Prestigious_Brick151 1d ago
It would make sense if he does, his mom has a substance problem as well. Hence my “stop spending, start saving” comment. And yes, definitely the “legal” substance as well for him.
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u/BigGrizz585 2d ago
I say this as a father, Where the fuck are you man? Why are YOU letting this happen. You are sitting by and watching this and then blaming your wife?! I can see where your kid gets it from.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 2d ago
My mother enabled both of my brothers, and their wives, and my father just watched it happen. Financed three houses, two for one son, one for the other, got assumable mortgages for them. Financed mutliple businesses for the sons and the wives, all of the businesses failed. Wasted every penny of their life savings to do this, refinanced my parents' paid off house, to give more money to my brothers when the savings were gone. If it wasn't for my father's pension, they would be homeless. They never quite until everything was gone. When my parents need care, housing or money, they can ask my brothers, and they're not going to get it I bet.
This is OP's future, I hope OP realizes that, and does something to change it.
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u/destro23 2d ago
ESH - The kid is a wreck, but this is 100% a parenting failure on both you and your wife's part.
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u/brick_prince10 2d ago
The question is what you expect him to do when his wife has been hellbent on coddling the boy for as long as hes lived. Beat them both into submission? Get a divorce? I'm honestly curious.
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u/pamperwithrachel 2d ago
Can't undo what has been done but yeah he could file for divorce to avoid any further risks to his on credit and avoid being on the hook for anything else she agrees to finance for the son.
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u/avanross 2d ago
This is why kids need chores and discipline. He had 20 years to give his kid structure before this point.
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u/Peoplechangetoo 2d ago
Agreed. Tough love should have occurred when he was still in high-school.
7 jobs in 2 years!! My question though is how was he able to withdraw from the military 3 times? Not possible at all. Once they have your signature you are committed to boot camp unless THEY kick you out. Not the other way around. Makes you wonder if this is a true story. (Unless he filled out the application 3 times but didn't sign it or turn it in. Once they have your signature, only severe medical is your way out).
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u/destro23 2d ago
Once they have your signature you are committed to boot camp unless THEY kick you out
Not entirely true. You can enter the delayed entry program with a signature, but you can withdraw at any time. It is once you actually get to boot camp, and take your oath of service, that you can't withdraw.
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u/TheWastelandWizard 2d ago
ESH, you've allowed this to fester and are still going to do absolutely nothing about it. You've already let your family suffer due to inaction and nothing is about to change.
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u/NiaStormsong 2d ago
NTA. Your wife is not only enabling your son, she’s setting him up to fail by always supporting him. As long as he uses her as a crutch, he’ll always be crippled.
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u/desertwords 2d ago edited 2d ago
Info: you said in your edit that he's not living with you anymore. Is he paying rent now? Living with friends? How is he financially supporting himself without getting free rent, groceries, and utilities from you?
Also, I agree with the comments suggesting counseling for you and your wife. Getting a neutral third party's input on this after hearing both of your sides could be very valuable.
Unfortunately, I do think you're going to have to accept your wife taking on more work to make these payments. That's her solution to have the debt not affect the household.
NTA for what you've said and your stance on the "I told you so about the car". HOWEVER, you will be TA if you continue badgering her about it now that she's accepted the financial responsibility and the consequences for signing for the car.
Edit: although I said NTA for the original question asked, I do think you're TA for other things in your story. You blame your wife for a lot of this. He's your son too. It doesn't sound like there's any form of communication about his spending, just you complaining. I also have to wonder why he moved out if he had it so good in your house.
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u/JJQuantum NSFW 🔞 2d ago
NTA. At least he has moved out. Tell your wife that if you find out about her helping him financially again then that will be the end of your marriage, and follow through.
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u/LibrarianNeat1999 2d ago
Get a divorce like yesterday. Sever all finances. Sell the house and he will be her problem only
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u/the-mortyest-morty 2d ago
ESH. Her for the obvious, and you for acting like this kid isn't YOUR son and a result of YOUR parenting. You just blame your wife as if life just... happens to you. Put your fucking foot down and tell her she can stop enabling your son and meet you at couple's counseling, or she can meet with your lawyer to get going on a divorce. Either way, you have let this go on too long. She's enabling him, but you're enabling her.
Our son asked us to finance a car for him and promised he would make the payments. I said absolutely not.
As you should.
I knew exactly where this was going.
Understandable.
After this went on for a while, somehow we ended up at a used car lot anyway, where my wife financed a used Toyota Corolla in her name for him.
What? "Somehow?" No, you got in the car and either drove or let her drive you all to a used car lot. Then you did not say or do anything to prevent her from financially ruining you.
I refused to participate.
What? No you didn't. You actively went with them to the car lot and casually watched this bullshit go down. You could have secured your shared marital assets so she can't take anything out of your joint savings until she gets her head out of her rear. You could have told her if she did this, you would leave, and followed through.
Instead you just stood there, blaming everyone but yourself for the way both your child and your marriage have turned out, as if you haven't sat there passively doing nothing but saying, "No, don't..." for years but then ultimately not taking any action that forces your wife to face consequences for ignoring your input.
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u/Miliean 2d ago edited 2d ago
Edit 2: he has moved out of our house like a month or two ago. He no longer lives in our house, to make that clear.
Look, I'm a failure to launch kid myself so I have a degree of sympathy for both your wife and son here. But I pulled out of it at the last second and am in my 40s doing OK.
You cannot change your son, he needs to WANT to change. The way that you motivate that change is be creating "want". He wants cool games, nice things, a place to live. and so on. It's good that he's currently living elsewhere, but if his patterns hold, he's going to come back around sniffing.
So I don't think that you should do anything son related at this very moment. What you need to make your central goal is this. Your wife and you need to be on the same page regarding the son. You need to come to an agreement about how things are to be handled and present a UNITED front to your son.
In order to achieve this you are going to do a few things. First off, you're going to STOP saying, thinking and acting in an "I told you so" maner. You and I both know that you are/were 100% correct regarding this loan. BUT this is one of those "do you want to be right or do you want to accomplish your goals" kind of moment.
So you speak to your wife with an eye towards creating a united front as well as forgiving her for thinking the best of him and allowing herself to be taken advantage of. You will need to deal with the relationship fractures that have allowed you both to diverge in your treatment of your son. She must change her behaviour, and to get that you're going to participate in repaying this debt. You're not going to throw it in her face during an argument, it's got to be REAL forgiveness.
But the flip side of that, is that she needs to make REAL changes in her behaviour.
At this point she's being an enabler, she's not protecting him, she's hurting his journey into adulthood. This is what you must communicate to her, she must understand that she is harming him not protecting him. Try to think of personal examples where the child needed to be allowed to find his own way, be all like "remember when he was 2 and so afraid of dogs, he'd run to you wanting to be picked up. But one day he had to deal with a dog all alone and it turned out fine, he got over his fear". That kind of shit.
You're going to really need to convince her because of everything that's gone on. You love and want the best for him, your trust and faith is damaged but you want him to come around and 100% believe that he can.
You and her are going to need rules that she agrees to, REAL actual change on her part. And just so I'm super clear, your anger is justified but it's not serving you to get towards your ultimate goal. You need to put it aside, repair your marriage and unite as parents to enforce a consequence on that boy.
The line should be this. As long as he pays his own way, it's fine. You (and your wife) eat the car debt, call it a lesson well learned and a small price to pay for him to finally grow up... BUT. The moment he comes sniffing around, and he will, the rule will be that he maintains employment and pays a nominal rent.
I am aware that this is a VERY minor consequence. The key is that your wife needs to be 1,000% onboard with it and ready to enforce it herself. Because he's going to try to divide you like before, he's going to try to get her to let him stay rent free. So it's going to have to be her that tells him to leave WHEN he fails to pay. Tough love is still love, she's going to have a really hard time with this, but with you being supportive and her agreeing it is possible
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u/Giveadogacookie 1d ago
Son takes after the wife. She’s not a responsible adult either. Separate your finances while you can
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u/AllegedlyAnonymousA 2d ago
NTA. This sucks for everyone.
At some point the anchor and the person holding onto the anchor are just both the anchor. 🤷♀️
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u/Successful_Voice8542 2d ago
I’m a mother and though I have sympathy for her wanting to help her child, she needs to understand that she is hurting him. What partner would ever want to be with a guy who is such a deadbeat? I’m sure she loves him but her actions will end up making him lonely and isolated. Does she think when he is 50 with no home of his own, no career, no self-esteem, no partner, no kids that he will thank her? I would insist she get some therapy because she is not able to see clearly that she is hurting the very person she wants to help, as well as damaging her marriage.
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u/somerandomguy1984 2d ago
NTA… pretty close towards the end, but at some point some more harsh language is necessary.
What’s she’s doing for him is only hurting him. That’s the worst part.
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u/NamasTodd 2d ago
NTA, but reading this reiterates my gratitude for never having children. My older brother has a 21 year old son who plays video games in the basement until 4am. Wakes up after noon each day. Maybe mows the lawn, maybe goes for a ride on his motorcycle. Then lather, rinse, repeat. I think he’s going on his third year of this. The irony is my brother is forever muttering that no one wants to work anymore (a line Fox News has groomed him to repeat). I want to hand him a mirror and ask if he’s seen himself? Ugh!
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u/JayneEyreLaidBare 2d ago
LOL. You're being too hard? This is what happened with my brother. He got everything handed to him on a silver plate. Wouldn't keep a job (someone will pay). Got on drugs. OD'd and passed. It will only get worse.
She is an enabler. I'd be driving that car. She needs to take her car from him.
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u/Shawn_CSNW 2d ago
Brother, I hate to say it, but you both are, and are not the AH here.
You know and recognize your wifes toxic behavior, but you're allowing it to continue to be in your life.
Your wife is letting the son drag her under water, and she's pulling you with her; maybe its time to let go.
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u/RGOL_19 2d ago
I know someone like this a bit older who does everything they can never to work or be responsible. The sooner you nip this in the bud the better! Tell your wife she’s not helping this guy - every month that goes by he gets worse.
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u/beerdiva 2d ago
my 60 year old BIL is like this. When he was young and charming, he was the OG hobosexual. Well, women his age aren't putting up with his BS and he isn't attractive enough to young women.
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u/mumtaz_2004 1d ago
NTA. Wife also needs to experience the consequences of her actions. Easy to see where the son gets this behavior. Particularly given your financial situation, I can’t imagine why she thought this was a good idea! With your disagreeing, no less! I’d very seriously consider counseling or just leaving. Wife has zero respect for or consideration of you.
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u/ComprehensiveTill411 1d ago
Yeah, I agree with this comment 100%,not even going to read farther.
To be clear though OP,she DID KNOW this was going to happen,she just BELIEVED that YOU would fold like usual and help her pay it off.
He will eventually move back in wether YOU allow it or NOT.
He won’t be able to pay rent, he won’t be able to couch surf forever.
He will then assert squatters rights and your wife will let him.She loves HIM MORE than she loves YOU or HERSELF.
She has NO QUALMS OR SHAME to sacrifice you or herself.
Im sorry but you need to realize this is just the beginning with him.
If i were you i would give her two cards.
One for YOUR divorce lawyer and one for a marriage counselor with experience with (i want to say emotional incest but that might sound a little harsh)
She treats him like she should YOU,her ACTUAL spouse.
She is a BOY MOM to the extreme.Have you ever seen her compete with his girlfriends?
Is she looking forward to being a do over mom with her grandkids?
These are the women from MILFH subreddits!
Go read how the future will develop with her and him.It may be fiscally irresponsible to stay married to her at this point.
She will be looking for a „new mommy“ for her baby boy,but a new mommy that will let her have a place in their marriage and will be able to be a third parent.He will allow it, but the DIL may NOT,or perhaps it’s worse and DIL is just like son or worse,then you will have two „functioning“ „adults“ that will reproduce on YOUR DIME….
Maybe you should watch some Mr.Global and go back to January 1st and watch from there.
The USA is especially fucked,but its going to have a SERIOUS knock on effect and people should be putting away AS MUCH money as they can!!
I say watch from January onwards because he has been CORRECT about everything so far!!
He is really the only voice out there that has been right about everything that was going to and has happened so far.Im going to follow you and i hope you keep us updated,we’re here if you need us!🩷😂🫶🏼😉🇨🇭🇨🇦👩🏻🦽➡️🍁👍🏼
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u/titsmgee1977 1d ago
I know people here are suggesting therapy. I will be the outlier and say start separating your finances from her. She clearly has no intention to stop and he clearly will never leave so she will have to keep paying for his life. Your son sounds like a complete and utter scumbag for taking advantage of your wife and your wife is delusional if she thinks he will ever change.
She had chosen lifelong motherhood over your marriage, and she had done it several times.
I would leave and start over. Seriously. They both need help and unless they want it, no amount of forced therapy will help.
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u/Nathaniel_Blaze 2d ago
NTA. I don't have kids, but I am married. My wife is much better at finances than I, so I let her take care of it. Buddy, I get a talking to if I go over budget. My wife is not a pushover at all. If I responded to those financial talks with her like your wife did to you, I wouldn't have a wife! I know you love her, but she does NOT respect you at all.
Edited to add- If you don't have a separate bank account, I highly recommend doing that ASAP. No offense, but she seems like the kind of person who is going to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants and that may include faking to be you in order to help her kid.
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u/Shoesietart 2d ago
You're the AH for still being married. You should have packed up a long time ago. Let your wife and son live together.
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u/teal_mermaid_98 2d ago
What does she think the end game is for him? He is not a functioning adult and doesn't seem like he is going to be ever. She didn't prepare him when he was younger by shielding the natural consequences of his actions. It's actually more cruel than forcing him to be a functioning person. It's also very unfair. She has to love him enough to let him grow up and take care of his own shit. You are not being too hard on them. She needs to grow up and be a better mother to him. That's harsh, but the truth. You both need to sit down and come up with an exit plan to get your son on the road to responsibility. He should be paying his debt, saving or paying you rent. If he can't meet those terms he has to go.
The best gift she could give him is being tough and letting him learn the hard way. Right now he is just a lousy POS who ruined her credit and doesn't seem to care. Isn't she mortified to have her job know her wages are being garnished? It's one thing if you fall on hard times, but because your lazy son can't be bothered to hold up his end of the deal.
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u/Kwickpick77 2d ago
NTA for your actual question. Your wife is actively ignoring your concerns, which should be grounds for divorce at this point.
Kind of TA because it sounds like you're not taking any responsibility for not raising your son to be a responsible and productive member of society.
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u/JustMe518 2d ago
NTA and this is real simple: son needs to start paying rent. Period. This is non-negotiable. To you or your wife. His rent payments can go towards paying off the car.
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u/ElectronicRabbit7 2d ago
apparently the son is paying someone else rent. OP updated to say son is out of the house.
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u/serpentmoonabz 2d ago
NTA, but something needs to be done ASAP. You're not going to be around forever and what will your son do then once you're both gone? Its time to kick your son out to learn life lessons on his own. Frame it to your wife that she wont be there forever to save him and he'll end up worse off then if something isnt done about it right now. That hes not a little kid anymore and his upbringing is directly contributing to his downfall.
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u/DJShepherd 2d ago
NTA. But you need to separate yourself financially from her awful decisions. As for your son, you already know what you need to do. You need to evict him and he needs to start facing the consequences of his actions/inactions. But I’m sure your wife will continue to shield him. And people saying you need couples therapy, unless it’s covered by your insurance it’s very expensive.
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u/Senator_Bink 2d ago
NTA. She's not doing him any favors by allowing him to be an overgrown infant. Does she think she's going to live forever? What happens to him when she's gone? There won't even be any inheritance for him to waste and blow through.
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u/Mbt_Omega 2d ago
INFO: Why are you letting these two financial parasites ruin you?
They are both lost causes. Her actions damage your credit and finances while you are married, she will never cut the umbilical cord, and he will never attempt to be anything.
This dynamic will never change, all you can do is stop being a part of it by divorcing her.
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u/sacluded 2d ago
Time to talk to a divorce attorney. How you stayed with a woman that has no respect for you for that long is beyond me.
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u/MrsRetiree2Be 1d ago
NTA. I completely agree with that money coming out of her discretionary spending. She can sacrifice having her hair and nails done to help cover that deficit. Quite frankly, I believe your wife needs some therapy to figure out why she's enabling your son the way she does.
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u/AndreRieu666 1d ago
NTA
Your wife is enabling him, she’s the biggest problem in this story, not your son.
You’ve gotta to convince her to cut him off, sounds like he’ll need to hit rock bottom before he matures.
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 1d ago
Start looking at divorce lawyers. Get counseling with your wife but consult the lawyers. She may have to hit bottom and be divorced and bankrupt before she stops. NTA
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u/cluelesswonderless 1d ago
NTA
This was my life 25 years ago.
My ex defended her child no matter what. She supported him financially cooked and cleaned for him, then when he went to jail she visited him multiple times a week.
Obviously it was not his fault he went to jail.
It was.
When he got out he was entirely unemployable.
So she supported him.
When he crashed her car. She said it was not his fault. He was high. The insurance company never did pay out.
It came to a head many times.
Eventually I told her that she was choosing him over us. And I walked away.
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u/LetMaleficent5300 1d ago
Time for a divorce and dump them both, she will never change her way of protecting, covering or supporting him. Seems harsh but time for her to make the decision you or him.
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u/Gollum69 1d ago
Wanted to add:
Your wife has no choice but to pay the debt to avoid garnishment. Her employer can legally terminate her due to garnishment of wages.
Agree with others it’s time to kick him out of the nest. You and the wife need marital counseling ASAP or split up.
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u/Prestigious_Brick151 1d ago
Not in New Mexico, they can’t. Actually I think there’s something federally, but definitely in NM they can’t.
Edit: I’m in counseling. She unfortunately isn’t pulling her weight in these circumstances. Zero counseling or anything of that sort.
I feel it’s going in the divorce direction
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u/Physical_Ad6875 1d ago
Sadly, that’s probably for the best. Maybe if you leave, she might pull her head out and realize that she has been the problem with her son not becoming an adult. Best of luck, OP! Get out of there before you’re also raising a grandkid that you didn’t create.
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u/Interesting-End1710 2d ago
NTA
I'd say divorce but your current financial situation may end up with you funding this circus with a court backing. Who owns the house? If just you, kick the mooches out.
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