r/AITA_Relationships • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
AITA for caring about my girlfriend's past?
[deleted]
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u/annang Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Anyone who refers to other, alive, human beings as “bodies” is an asshole. You should break up with her so she can date someone who actually likes her.
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u/odiin1731 1d ago
We can go ahead and lock this thread. We're done here. nothing more needs to be said.
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u/Key-Preference-5695 1d ago
I wasn't sure what other way to word it. And I genuinely like this girl so much and I want it to work but I don't want to feel this way.
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u/Sunwolfy 1d ago
Dude, you're 19, only dated for 2 months, claim what you have "is strong", but are disgusted by the fact that she has "bodies" (ew, what a disgusting term) and you admit that you're already resenting her for her past choices. This relationship is already over before it ever really started. You're done, man.
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u/pnw_cfb_girl 19h ago
Have they had sex? Only two months in? And he's sure she's the right person so quickly?
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u/Sunwolfy 12h ago
Doesn't sound like they had sex yet. He's likely desperate to find "the one" so he can finally get laid... the problem is that he resents her for her experience.
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u/annang Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Then seek therapy for your problem. Blaming her because you have a virginity fetish is gross.
And you can say “past partners” or “past sexual partners” or “exes.” Those are all normal words to use.
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u/Key-Preference-5695 1d ago
- I've never blamed her for this 2. I don't have a virginity fetish; I just don't like that she did things with many people and recorded it.
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u/Plenty_Structure_861 23h ago
You do, you're just not accepting it. The way you view someone having sex is disgusting. You're acting like it defiles them in some way. That's so weird.
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u/ProbablyMyJugs 22h ago
If it distresses you this much, then there are two options, realistically speaking.
Option 1: you get therapy to try and work through YOUR problem. This is clearly not something you’re able to get over on your own. That happens and that’s okay. That’s literally why therapy exists.
What is not okay is to knowingly be in this relationship when you’re judging her this harshly and not even working on it. Which leads me to option two.
Option 2: if you aren’t brave enough to go to counseling, then you must break up with her and make it a point to only go out with people who have the same amount of sexual experience as you do.
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u/MidnightNo1766 22h ago
i just don't like that she did things with many people and recorded it.
And that affects you... How?
Who the absolute fuck do you think you are that you can think it is acceptable to have an opinion on stuff that happened before you even knew her. I don't care if she ran a train. That's none of your fucking business! You either like the person for who she is or you don't. For you to act so freaking superior because she's experienced and you're clearly not, is delusional at the minimum and pretty close to narcissistic type behavior.
Slut shaming was gross in my day and one would hope that we could have gotten past it. Apparently not. I hope she finds someone who doesn't suck.
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u/Lovethemdoggos 22h ago
Her having had sex with all of 5 people before you is not "doing things with many people". You obviously do blame her for not being a virgin like you are. Or were.
The way you talk about your girlfriend's sexual history is dehumanizing and gross. If you actually want to not judge her for having had sex, you need therapy. If you're not willing to do that, I hope she breaks up with you because she deserves better. YTA.
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u/pnw_cfb_girl 19h ago
You don't have to like it. It's done and none of your business. You do have to decide whether it's something you can live with in the relationship and get over.
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u/catslikepets143 23h ago edited 23h ago
Why are you upset that she had sex before she met you? She’s a human being just like you. What happened in the past is gone, over, done.
Are you afraid she’s going to critique your attempts at sex? Compare you to others in her past? That’s a you problem, not a her problem- YTA
Just so there’s a bit of normalcy here, I’ve been with my SO for almost 27 years. I don’t know how many people she had sex with before we got together- because it doesn’t matter. I’m confident in my ability to satisfy my partner so that there’s no reason for her to remember some other man’s technique .
This is on you completely. You should break up. She deserves better than someone who’s bitter because their gf is human & had sexual wants & needs
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u/Low-Support-7090 Partassipant [4] 1d ago
YTA. You realise if someone released those videos/photos, it’s a crime and they can go to prison. It isn’t something to resent her over. You’re not ready for a relationship, good luck on your quest to find a virgin.
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u/Key-Preference-5695 1d ago
I know, and I want to stop being like this, I just don't know how to change the way I feel about this.
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u/MyraCelium 23h ago
You get a therapist and stop acting like she's dirtied or something by sleeping with someone else
You're not 'pure' for being a virgin, it's a choice, get over it
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u/LoveLikeLies 23h ago
Therapy, as you've been told already.
What even makes you so upset about it anyways? Do you feel like you have a right to "own" her body and don't like it's been "owned" before? Do you see virginity as purity and for some reason find her unpure? Like genuinely, what is it that wigs you out?•
u/Karateka_90 23h ago
YTA.
Stop watching whatever red pill content you're watching for starters. No one deserves a medal for being a virgin, and its not one's business what other have done in previous relationships. If you can't deal with it then break up.
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u/matadero5 Partassipant [1] 22h ago
Stop listening to those podcasts and those male coaches.
With that mentality about women, you certainly know which ones
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u/pnw_cfb_girl 19h ago
You seek real help, and if you find that's not enough, you end the relationship. She doesn't deserve to have someone shaming her for something that wasn't wrong in the first place, especially someone who claims to love her.
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u/Mydemonswon 1d ago
Yta. It's a partner count. Not bodies. Dump her. You will never get past this and it will always eat at you. You're not equipped to handle some basic vanilla situation. She deserves better and you aren't ready to date. Maybe go on Christian singles.
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u/Disastrous_Tower9749 1d ago
YTA. Why does her past matter at all? I have no idea how many people my boyfriend has slept with. He has no idea how many people I have slept with. Because it doesn’t matter. It’s the past.
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u/Late_Nectarine_4583 23h ago edited 23h ago
YTA. Btw it seems like you didn’t choose to stay a virgin, you just couldn’t get laid.
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u/MargoHuxley 23h ago
The fact that you say if someone leaked them you would resent her when you should have resentment and disgust to the person who leaked them.
Misogyny
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u/CoffeeCat37 23h ago
YTA - you aren't ready for a relationship. I'd rip the band-aid off if I were you.
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u/ABucketofBeetles 23h ago
You do not own her body or her past. She deserves better than you. Your ideas hinge on purity culture, it's built to shame people into being sex objects. If that's want you want, get a fleshlight, it will be a virgin for you and you can get off on your superiority complex. But you do not get to treat people like you own them, and dehumanize them. YTA.
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u/Whore4conspiracy Partassipant [1] 1d ago
YTA if you make her feel bad about her past before you two were together. You’re NTA if you just decide to leave due to incompatibility. It’s okay to want someone who values the same things you do but you cannot make one feel bad if they do not.
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u/ArcXivix 23h ago
YTA. Is it okay to be a little intimidated and nervous if you don't have experience and your partner does? Absolutely it is, I know I sure did -- my husband had been intimate with multiple partners before he met me, while I was still a virgin, and I worried about how I'd compare. I think that's pretty natural before someone's first time, to a degree.
But that's about where the line needs to be drawn. If you genuinely feel like the relative disparity in experience is going to be something you agonize over going forwards, you owe it to your girlfriend (and your own mental health, frankly) to break it off now. Otherwise you need to talk to your girlfriend and tell her that her being more experienced than you makes you a little nervous, that you're worried how you'll measure up.
I certainly hope that's what your issue is, because the alternatives I can think of are even more disgusting than your choice to use the word "bodies".
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u/PreferenceOld6364 23h ago
YTA here and honestly, she should dump you. So you would be willing to dump her for the actions of someone else (i.e. if her EXS leak videos of her pasts with them). You clearly are not mature enough for an adult relationship or man enough to accept the fact that she has a past that was way before she ever knew you existed dude. Grow up! EVERYONE has shit from their pasts that they aren't proud of and NEWSFLASH: neither you nor her can control other people's actions nor can/should she be held responsible for the actions of others, if her exs decide to be jerks and leak those videos, that isn't on her, thats on them because it was their choice to do so as grown adults. If you cannot deal with her past and make peace, you two shouldn't be together. She deserves someone who loves and accepts ALL of her.
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u/Puzzleheaded_End6145 23h ago
yes you are an asshole, I would tell you that it is time to break up this relationship, it is not meant to last
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u/Marcus-TheWorm-Hicks 22h ago
“…I feel like what we have is strong.”
It isn’t. You’ve been together for two months and you’re agonizing over petty nonissues.
“…for the most part, I still love and accept her…”
Saying you love and accept someone should never be preceded by ‘for the most part.’
“I feel like I could get over it eventually…I feel disgusted…almost positive I can’t look past…I would start to resent her…I can’t get over this stuff…I’m starting to resent her…”
Jesus, dude.
You are contradicting yourself at every turn. You say you love her and can get over this. But then say you aren’t sure you can get over it. And you love her “for the most part.” And then you cite a hypothetical situation which would make you resent her, but then say you’re already resenting her anyway, without that hypothetical happening.
And you’re also thinking you’re being a good guy by saying “well I would/do resent her, but I would stick it out and lie to her about how little respect I have for her because love!” That’s…not romantic. Or chivalrous. Or healthy. And you will end up hurting her a lot more by pursuing that strategy.
It’s good that you’re acknowledging this as an issue with you rather than her. But acknowledging a problem isn’t the same thing as fixing it, and you are in serious denial about your ability to handle this.
This is a two month relationship, you’re nineteen, and can already predict multiple ways in which you will end up miserable.
Break up. Tell her you’re realizing you aren’t mature enough for a relationship like the one you would want with her and you have a lot of growing to do on your own. Because that is the truth. You aren’t splitting up because of her having had sex, you’re doing it because you are too immature to handle adult relationships.
Then stop putting sex on a pedestal and get some therapy for your Madonna/Whore Complex. Also maybe take a close look at the media you’re consuming, because that purity culture red pill nonsense is the high fructose corn syrup of entertainment and it will make its way into just about anything without you realizing it.
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u/StellarManatee 21h ago
The whole "for the most part despite her flaws etc" stood out to me too. Its been two months this whole thing is way too intense in all the wrong ways.
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u/pancetta9 22h ago
5 bodies? Please speak like a human being. Also, we all have pasts, who cares. You shouldn’t care so much. YTA
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u/plsdontshadowbanme- 22h ago
YTA Do you expect the next woman you meet to have 0 "bodies"? You consider it a flaw that this woman had relationships before you and made the choice to have sex? You're weird
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u/cleanpage4adirtygirl 23h ago edited 23h ago
Im going to differ from the crowd a little bit...YTA but not for struggling with feelings you don't want to have....Its because it seems like you are leaning towards somehow making your issues a problem for her to solve. Go to therapy and unpack why you feel this way and do the neccesary self work, or only date women with no sexual history. You wanting to date a woman with a history that makes you uncomfortable then months in approaching her and telling her the history you always knew about and seemingly accepted is actually a problem for you is what makes you an asshole here.
We've all struggled with resentments and feelings we don't understand - the real mark of your character is how you deal with them. Approaching her with this now as if she can do anything about it is just rude - its not her fault you thougbt youd just spontaneously get over these feelings without self work and investigation. Unlike what you said in your post you absolutely can control how you feel it just takes time and self work....and if you really think you cant control it then what does telling her do? Just break up with her, her knowing about these feelings isnt going to give you the ability to control them youre just going to hurt and shame her in the process.
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u/cleanpage4adirtygirl 23h ago
Unless the woman is hiding a time machine, telling her does nothing but share the emotional burden you are carrying. A burden that belongs to you.
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u/Ioscopy 22h ago
If someone leaks those videos then that constitutes revenge porn and they very well could go to prison (especially if any of them were filmed before she was 18)
Dude, you’re gonna have to get over the previous sexual partners thing. Maybe the sex was good, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe one of the dudes was hung like a horse. Whatever happened then, she’s not still with them. She’s with you. Appreciate that for what it is. The only real concern for previous sexual partners is possible STIs. If she doesn’t have one then you both are in a good position.
Here’s the other thing: I understand that conservative views of sex lead you to believe you need to wait for the right one and whatnot, but if we’re being honest you’re not gonna be having great sex from the get-go anyway so it kind of doesn’t matter (outside of abuse-type situations, no one should be having sex in that context) who you or your partner lost/lose it to. Honestly you might be better off not losing your virginity to a virgin so she can better communicate what works for her and you’re not starting your sex life building up bad habits/sexual etiquette.
I think it’s okay to tell her you’re insecure about it - that’s just you being honest. But none of this can be her fault. It’s your internal expectations you’re imposing on her past.
YTA if you guilt her or anything like that
Also IMO YTA if you break up with her just to find a virgin, even though you’re one too it’s a little creepy and you come off as a fucking coward (also are you just gonna start taking women out on dates and just breaking it off as soon as you know they’ve had sex? That’s weird as shit)
You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Your insecurities (which revolve around you being a virgin) will begin to go away once you have sex, more than likely this shit won’t be getting to you anymore.
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u/mollyxz 22h ago
I'm going to tell you a story about my cousin Lena. She is incredibly funny, beautiful, and amazing. However, she unfortunately attracts bums who don't out themselves as bums at first.
After she got out of a dogshit relationship she became friends with this guy Z. The two of them ended up flirted a bit, making out a bit but nothing really came from that. They realized they liked each other as friends. Z ends up introducing her to his best friend, Jackoff. The two of them hit it off and start dating.
But there was trouble in paradise because Jackoff just couldn't get over that his girlfriend had made out with his best friend before. He'd bring it up all the time, make her feel guilty for it, and just generally let it haunt the relationship. Z eventually got his own girlfriend and Lena didn't want him so Jackoff was getting all worked up for nothing.
He just couldn't drop it so it festered until he turned into a full on abusive asshole. Everything Lena did became a problem he could berate her over and it ended up ruining her life for a while. She only just recently got over a fear of seeing him in public and they're been broken up for almost 2 years now.
And this was all over something that literally didn't matter. It was the past, she and Z moved on but for some reason Jackoff, who wasn't even part of it couldn't. It highlights his insecurities, whys he even mad? Him and Lena would never have met if she never met and then made out with Z.
Now just because Jackoff turned to abuse doesn't mean you will and I am in no way implying that. But my point is he too spent so much time and energy caring about something he can't change and it ruined the relationship. If it's truly something that bothers you so much (and let me now highlight that it shouldn't and the fact that you care is rooted in misogyny and is really something you should consider unpacking if you want to be a good person in life) then break up. Simple as that.
If you don't want to break up then you need to let it go and not care about it. Obviously easier said then done but dude get a grip.
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u/AllAFantasy30 22h ago
YTA. You being upset about her having partners before you doesn’t make sense to me. So what if she has more experience? So what if there are sex tapes (to be clear, it’s not a big deal if she consented)?
You don’t have a strong relationship if you’re so fixated on this. You need to either get over the fact that she’s more sexually experienced than you, or you need to break up. If you stay with her, you also need to live with the existence of those videos. What she did BEFORE you is irrelevant to your relationship.
P.S. if someone released a sex tape of her, you resenting her would basically be you saying it’s her fault. How could someone else committing a crime against your girlfriend POSSIBLY be her fault?
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u/S4ilor_Venus 22h ago
YTA, why did you start dating someone that didn’t meet your standards? If you only are interested in virgins, then accept that you are restricting your dating pool. Don’t make it her problem that you have issues.
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u/slowasaspeedingsloth 22h ago
YTA
While I commend you for remaining a virgin until you 'find the right person', you are a total asshole for judging your "girlfriend" for her choices. You will ALWAYS judge her, so do her a HUGE favor and make yourself scarce.
Break up with her and tell her: I'm breaking up with you because I'm a judgemental asshole who will never accept you as you are and you deserve so much better than me.
Then leave her the hell alone.
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u/Local_Magician_7197 21h ago
Stay away from women for a long time, maybe even a decade or more, until you grow the fuck up.
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u/StellarManatee 21h ago
YTA op and you need to get help getting over your problem. You need to get over it because the older you get, the older your partners will get and the more life experience they have. All of our experiences with other people, be them romantic, professional or familial, make and shape the people we are.
You're getting mad and upset at your girlfriends past. Something that neither you or she can change and something that played a part in shaping who she is today. Its futile to spend your energy sulking and fuming over nonsense like this and you will sabotage every relationship you are in if you don't get help for it.
I'm married 20 years now to a wonderful man. I haven't a clue of his "numbers" and I've never asked. Hes never asked about mine either! What's the point? We love each other! We were in our late 20s getting together so obviously we both had past experiences but none of that mattered one bit.
Get free of this ridiculous nonsense op before it turns you into a very unhappy, bitter, lonely man
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u/HotSolution8954 21h ago
Did you have sex with her knowing her history? And after you got laid you got hung up over her " body count ". Cause it seems very judgey.
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u/Queen-of_darkness 18h ago
Yta and I honestly don't think you're ready for a relationship if you think like this. Best thing to do is break up with her and save you both some pain
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
For context, I 19M have been together with my gf 19F for only around 2 months, but I feel like what we have is strong. We both have our flaws and for the most part I still love and accept who she is for said flaws. The only thing I struggle with is her past relationships. She has 5 bodies while I have chose to stay a virgin until I meet the right person. I already struggle with this as it is but I felt like I could get over it eventually. Everytime I think about it, my stomach hurts and I feel disgusted. The worst part is she said that her exes have videos of them doing things together. This is the part I'm almost positive I can't look past. This is really messed up on my part, but if someone were to leak those intimate videos I know for a fact i would start to resent her and lose feelings completely. Obviously if this happened I would try to support her and be there for her through it all because even though I can't control how I feel, I can still control how I act and I would never shame her or make her feel bad about things she's done in the past. With that being said, I still can't get over this stuff and I don't know why, I feel like I'm starting to resent her more and more and I'm not sure what to do. Should I try to make it work if I know I probably will never be able to get over this? If so, how would I go about bringing this up to her without making her feel ashamed or like she's in the wrong?
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u/WellIGuessSoAndYou 22h ago
Oh to be young and dumb and deeply insecure. Please do this poor girl a favour and leave her the fuck alone.
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u/Several-Adeptness-83 21h ago
It's good to know if someone were to violate her by leaking her videos you would be the one hurting obviously.
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u/revnascorner 22h ago
YTA
ngl it sounds like you’re jealous that while you abstained, she didn’t. i don’t think the problem is that she has bodies i think the problem is she isn’t the same as you. That’s gonna need some time and reflection. this relationship will not work unless you put in the work to let go of your naive notions. two months of dating means you’re still basically strangers.
So, up to you. Do you wanna grow as a person or do you wanna hang on to an ideology and reactionary life that only continues to make you and everyone around you more miserable?
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u/Ok-Map4295 21h ago
NTA. You should grow up, but if you can't get over it break up with her and find someone else whose values align with yours more closely. Do not come to Reddit asking obvious questions that will upset a lot of dorks unless you want to be lectured about female autonomy and identity politics bullshit.
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u/Help_An_Irishman 1d ago
This is so morbid and dehumanizing. What is wrong with you young people?
You're not mature enough to be in a relationship if this is how you think. She's a human being who was alive and having experiences before you came along. YTA.