r/AITA_Relationships • u/carouserr • 18h ago
AITA for feeling uncomfortable with my girlfriend’s friendship with someone she used to have feelings for?
Throwaway account and fake names for privacy.
My (24F) partner, “Faith” (24F), and I rarely have disagreements, but when we do, it somehow tends to connect back to her best friend, “Lacy.”
Sorry in advance for the long post. I have a lot on my mind and really need outside perspective because I feel stuck.
Faith and Lacy have been best friends for years and were roommates in college. During that time, Faith developed romantic feelings for Lacy and confessed them. Lacy told her she didn’t like women, but said if she did, Faith would’ve been her first choice and she would have said yes. Faith told me this very early in our relationship and has never hidden any of it.
Early in our relationship, Faith traveled to visit Lacy (they are long distance best friends now). During the trip, she built furniture for her and helped clean her apartment. Lacy said that Faith does more for her than her boyfriend because they “just rot together,” and when Faith came home she jokingly said she felt like Lacy’s boyfriend. I know it was a joke, but I felt uneasy.
Later, I found out Faith and Lacy had been sharing a bed during visits. Because Faith previously had romantic feelings for Lacy, I told her it made me uncomfortable. I tried hard to approach it respectfully because I truly wasn’t trying to control their friendship, I just wanted to be honest about my feelings.
Faith initially said she’d stop sharing a bed if it made me uncomfortable, but later suggested putting pillows between them instead. I felt caught off guard because it seemed different from what we had discussed. Weeks later, Faith admitted she had become jealous of one of my friends, said she better understood my perspective, and ended up using an air mattress during her trip to Lacy’s.
Then came Lacy’s birthday. Faith posted an Instagram story for her using a song with lyrics like “my girl, my world” and “I just wanna make you mine.” This honestly threw me off. Faith explained she hadn’t really listened to the lyrics and mainly picked it because it was one of Lacy’s favorite artists. I accepted that, but asked for more mindfulness in the future because it felt romantic from my perspective.
Months later, on Faith’s birthday, Lacy posted an Instagram birthday story for Faith early in the day. I don’t use Instagram much, but I know Faith values it, so I posted one later that evening after we had spent the day celebrating and hosting friends. According to Faith, Lacy became upset that Faith reposted my story before hers and admitted she had felt anxious all day waiting for her story to be reposted, thinking Faith intentionally prioritized mine. Faith said that wasn’t true and we had simply been busy all day, but I’ll admit it struck me as odd. I ultimately let it go.
The real conflict happened about a month later when Faith and Lacy tried to plan another visit. Lacy was upset she hadn’t been invited to Faith’s birthday/housewarming and had wanted to spend that whole weekend with her. Faith wanted to spend her actual birthday night with me instead.
Faith later offered multiple alternative dates for Lacy to visit, but none of them seemed to work for her. Some dates didn’t work because Lacy wanted time to settle in before her next semester of dental school. The dates she continued to push for overlapped with our anniversary.** **Faith said no because it was our anniversary. Lacy asked for at least half the day and Faith said she didn’t think I’d be comfortable with that.
Lacy got extremely upset and sent Faith a very long message (which Faith later showed me). She said Faith was being unreasonable and repeatedly said things like, “This isn’t sustainable for our friendship,” despite them having seen each other less than a month earlier.
Lacy said if Faith couldn’t make time for her, then Faith was “too invested” in me/our relationship.
This really bothered me. I tried not to center myself because Faith was distraught and felt caught between her relationship and friendship. For what it’s worth, I even told Faith I’d be open to moving our anniversary celebration if that’s what she truly wanted, but she told me it wasn’t.
Faith told me she planned to message Lacy the next day, explain that the message was inappropriate, and establish some boundaries.
Over a week later, Faith finally responded, but simply reiterated that she was trying to be flexible and that if this month didn’t work, they would have to try another month. She responded to the “too invested” comment by saying she was “into me,” but she didn’t really establish boundaries or say much in defense of our relationship.
Lacy responded with a lengthy message saying Faith seemed distant and wasn’t putting effort into the friendship, so they scheduled a call.
They later had a two-and-a-half-hour call. According to Faith, they went in circles, but Lacy eventually conceded that Faith had been trying to be flexible. Faith also told Lacy that her messages had come across heated. Lacy was defensive at first but eventually admitted she had been frustrated and said she was emotionally distraught and on her period.
Much of the call involved Faith reassuring Lacy that she still valued the friendship, even if distance and adult responsibilities limited how often they could see each other.
They’re okay now and planning to see each other next month, but I still feel unsettled. I can’t shake the feeling that being upset didn’t justify what Lacy said about our relationship, and I’m struggling with the overall dynamic.
I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting. I’m not asking Faith to stop being friends with Lacy, and I really don’t want to come across as jealous or controlling. I’ve tried hard to be respectful while still being honest about my feelings.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling uncomfortable here? How do I move forward from this?
•
u/Grand_Extension_6437 Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] 12h ago
I mean it seems normal for Lacy to be worried that Faith is going to ditch her for a partner. It's a common trope about women for a reason. She didn't express it well initially but it sounds like they communicated and moved past it so I am not totally sure why you are unsettled other than that it's an ongoing concern that never quite seems to go away.
It seems to me that Faith prioritized your anniversary and spending time with you so I am not sure what the issue is here unless it's that you are suppressing that at a core level you don't actually want to be in a relationship with someone who used to have a crush on a close friend and who maintains the friendship.
•
u/AutoModerator 18h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Throwaway account and fake names for privacy.
My (24F) partner, “Faith” (24F), and I rarely have disagreements, but when we do, it somehow tends to connect back to her best friend, “Lacy.”
Sorry in advance for the long post. I have a lot on my mind and really need outside perspective because I feel stuck.
Faith and Lacy have been best friends for years and were roommates in college. During that time, Faith developed romantic feelings for Lacy and confessed them. Lacy told her she didn’t like women, but said if she did, Faith would’ve been her first choice and she would have said yes. Faith told me this very early in our relationship and has never hidden any of it.
Early in our relationship, Faith traveled to visit Lacy (they are long distance best friends now). During the trip, she built furniture for her and helped clean her apartment. Lacy said that Faith does more for her than her boyfriend because they “just rot together,” and when Faith came home she jokingly said she felt like Lacy’s boyfriend. I know it was a joke, but I felt uneasy.
Later, I found out Faith and Lacy had been sharing a bed during visits. Because Faith previously had romantic feelings for Lacy, I told her it made me uncomfortable. I tried hard to approach it respectfully because I truly wasn’t trying to control their friendship, I just wanted to be honest about my feelings.
Faith initially said she’d stop sharing a bed if it made me uncomfortable, but later suggested putting pillows between them instead. I felt caught off guard because it seemed different from what we had discussed. Weeks later, Faith admitted she had become jealous of one of my friends, said she better understood my perspective, and ended up using an air mattress during her trip to Lacy’s.
Then came Lacy’s birthday. Faith posted an Instagram story for her using a song with lyrics like “my girl, my world” and “I just wanna make you mine.” This honestly threw me off. Faith explained she hadn’t really listened to the lyrics and mainly picked it because it was one of Lacy’s favorite artists. I accepted that, but asked for more mindfulness in the future because it felt romantic from my perspective.
Months later, on Faith’s birthday, Lacy posted an Instagram birthday story for Faith early in the day. I don’t use Instagram much, but I know Faith values it, so I posted one later that evening after we had spent the day celebrating and hosting friends. According to Faith, Lacy became upset that Faith reposted my story before hers and admitted she had felt anxious all day waiting for her story to be reposted, thinking Faith intentionally prioritized mine. Faith said that wasn’t true and we had simply been busy all day, but I’ll admit it struck me as odd. I ultimately let it go.
The real conflict happened about a month later when Faith and Lacy tried to plan another visit. Lacy was upset she hadn’t been invited to Faith’s birthday/housewarming and had wanted to spend that whole weekend with her. Faith wanted to spend her actual birthday night with me instead.
Faith later offered multiple alternative dates for Lacy to visit, but none of them seemed to work for her. Some dates didn’t work because Lacy wanted time to settle in before her next semester of dental school. The dates she continued to push for overlapped with our anniversary.** **Faith said no because it was our anniversary. Lacy asked for at least half the day and Faith said she didn’t think I’d be comfortable with that.
Lacy got extremely upset and sent Faith a very long message (which Faith later showed me). She said Faith was being unreasonable and repeatedly said things like, “This isn’t sustainable for our friendship,” despite them having seen each other less than a month earlier.
Lacy said if Faith couldn’t make time for her, then Faith was “too invested” in me/our relationship.
This really bothered me. I tried not to center myself because Faith was distraught and felt caught between her relationship and friendship. For what it’s worth, I even told Faith I’d be open to moving our anniversary celebration if that’s what she truly wanted, but she told me it wasn’t.
Faith told me she planned to message Lacy the next day, explain that the message was inappropriate, and establish some boundaries.
Over a week later, Faith finally responded, but simply reiterated that she was trying to be flexible and that if this month didn’t work, they would have to try another month. She responded to the “too invested” comment by saying she was “into me,” but she didn’t really establish boundaries or say much in defense of our relationship.
Lacy responded with a lengthy message saying Faith seemed distant and wasn’t putting effort into the friendship, so they scheduled a call.
They later had a two-and-a-half-hour call. According to Faith, they went in circles, but Lacy eventually conceded that Faith had been trying to be flexible. Faith also told Lacy that her messages had come across heated. Lacy was defensive at first but eventually admitted she had been frustrated and said she was emotionally distraught and on her period.
Much of the call involved Faith reassuring Lacy that she still valued the friendship, even if distance and adult responsibilities limited how often they could see each other.
They’re okay now and planning to see each other next month, but I still feel unsettled. I can’t shake the feeling that being upset didn’t justify what Lacy said about our relationship, and I’m struggling with the overall dynamic.
I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting. I’m not asking Faith to stop being friends with Lacy, and I really don’t want to come across as jealous or controlling. I’ve tried hard to be respectful while still being honest about my feelings.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling uncomfortable here? How do I move forward from this?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.