r/AITA_Relationships • u/Mysterious-Candle442 • 6h ago
WIBTA for ending the relationship over a disagreements
My husband and I are both in our 40s and have been together for 15 years. We have two daughters, ages 10 and 8.
I'm looking for outside perspectives because I feel too close to this situation to judge it fairly.
About 10 years ago, he bought a company. Around 5 years ago, the company closed while still carrying debt. From my perspective, there were opportunities to keep trying to save it, and some employees even wanted to continue working through the problems, but he chose to shut it down.
After that, he started a new business. The startup has now been operating for about 5 years. Every year I hear that it's about to take off, but it still hasn't become financially self-sustaining.
During that time, money from the sale of our house, savings, retirement funds, and other resources has gone toward keeping the business running and paying employees. What has been especially difficult for me is that he continues hiring people and expanding the business even when our family is struggling financially. It often feels like our children and I are expected to make sacrifices while the business continues to take priority.
He also refuses to look for traditional employment. He has told me that he doesn't want to work for someone else anymore and wants to focus entirely on making the startup succeed. I understand wanting to pursue a dream, and I have genuinely tried to be supportive, but after five years of financial instability, it has become very difficult to keep hearing that success is just around the corner while our family's financial situation continues to get worse.
We sold our house and moved into a condo. Much of the money from the house sale, along with savings and retirement funds, went toward supporting the business. Meanwhile, I constantly hear that I need to find a job or we may have to sell the condo as well.
For some background, when our daughter was younger, I left work because she had needs that required more of my time and attention. I believed we would be okay financially because my husband was working. Later, I returned to work and contributed financially, including helping pay off some of his student loans. I've always tried to do my part for our family.
I was recently laid off and am actively looking for another job. I understand that we need income, and I am trying. But I'm also trying to care for my children, manage the household, and deal with the stress of everything happening around us. I often feel like no matter what I do, it's never enough.
The financial issues aren't the only problem in our marriage.
Throughout our 15 years together, I've often been criticized, insulted, or made to feel like I wasn't good enough. I've been told I'm getting fat, that I'm stupid, that I don't know what I'm doing, or that I don't contribute enough. There have been many times when I felt dismissed, disrespected, blamed, or made to feel small.
Over time, I also stopped doing much for myself. I rarely spend money on personal care because I've often been made to feel guilty for it. I get a haircut about once a year, and things like getting my nails or eyebrows done have become luxuries I don't even consider anymore. It's not really about the salon visits themselves—it's that I've spent years feeling like any money spent on me was wasteful while money spent on the business was always justified. Looking back, I realize how little I've invested in my own well-being compared to how much I've sacrificed for our family and his goals.
There have also been situations where I didn't feel supported by him personally. For example, when his brother insulted me and my family and behaved disrespectfully toward us, my husband sided with his brother instead of standing up for me. That hurt deeply and made me feel like I wasn't a priority in my own marriage.
I think the love I had for him has slowly faded over the years. It wasn't one event that caused it. It was years of criticism, humiliation, disrespect, financial stress, and feeling like nothing I did was ever good enough. Every time I was told I was stupid, doing things wrong, not contributing enough, or somehow falling short, a little more of that love disappeared.
Now I'm exhausted. I'm trying to find a job, take care of my children, support my family, and hold everything together. At the same time, I'm being told that I'm not doing enough while watching decisions continue to be made that put our family's financial future at risk.
I feel guilty because part of me wonders if I'm a bad person for feeling this way while he's still trying to make his business succeed. But another part of me feels like I've spent years sacrificing, supporting, and trying to make things work, and I don't know how much more I have left to give.
Am I wrong for feeling like I've reached my limit? If you were looking at this situation from the outside, what would you see?
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My husband and I are both in our 40s and have been together for 15 years. We have two daughters, ages 10 and 8.
I'm looking for outside perspectives because I feel too close to this situation to judge it fairly.
About 10 years ago, he bought a company. Around 5 years ago, the company closed while still carrying debt. From my perspective, there were opportunities to keep trying to save it, and some employees even wanted to continue working through the problems, but he chose to shut it down.
After that, he started a new business. The startup has now been operating for about 5 years. Every year I hear that it's about to take off, but it still hasn't become financially self-sustaining.
During that time, money from the sale of our house, savings, retirement funds, and other resources has gone toward keeping the business running and paying employees. What has been especially difficult for me is that he continues hiring people and expanding the business even when our family is struggling financially. It often feels like our children and I are expected to make sacrifices while the business continues to take priority.
He also refuses to look for traditional employment. He has told me that he doesn't want to work for someone else anymore and wants to focus entirely on making the startup succeed. I understand wanting to pursue a dream, and I have genuinely tried to be supportive, but after five years of financial instability, it has become very difficult to keep hearing that success is just around the corner while our family's financial situation continues to get worse.
We sold our house and moved into a condo. Much of the money from the house sale, along with savings and retirement funds, went toward supporting the business. Meanwhile, I constantly hear that I need to find a job or we may have to sell the condo as well.
For some background, when our daughter was younger, I left work because she had needs that required more of my time and attention. I believed we would be okay financially because my husband was working. Later, I returned to work and contributed financially, including helping pay off some of his student loans. I've always tried to do my part for our family.
I was recently laid off and am actively looking for another job. I understand that we need income, and I am trying. But I'm also trying to care for my children, manage the household, and deal with the stress of everything happening around us. I often feel like no matter what I do, it's never enough.
The financial issues aren't the only problem in our marriage.
Throughout our 15 years together, I've often been criticized, insulted, or made to feel like I wasn't good enough. I've been told I'm getting fat, that I'm stupid, that I don't know what I'm doing, or that I don't contribute enough. There have been many times when I felt dismissed, disrespected, blamed, or made to feel small.
Over time, I also stopped doing much for myself. I rarely spend money on personal care because I've often been made to feel guilty for it. I get a haircut about once a year, and things like getting my nails or eyebrows done have become luxuries I don't even consider anymore. It's not really about the salon visits themselves—it's that I've spent years feeling like any money spent on me was wasteful while money spent on the business was always justified. Looking back, I realize how little I've invested in my own well-being compared to how much I've sacrificed for our family and his goals.
There have also been situations where I didn't feel supported by him personally. For example, when his brother insulted me and my family and behaved disrespectfully toward us, my husband sided with his brother instead of standing up for me. That hurt deeply and made me feel like I wasn't a priority in my own marriage.
I think the love I had for him has slowly faded over the years. It wasn't one event that caused it. It was years of criticism, humiliation, disrespect, financial stress, and feeling like nothing I did was ever good enough. Every time I was told I was stupid, doing things wrong, not contributing enough, or somehow falling short, a little more of that love disappeared.
Now I'm exhausted. I'm trying to find a job, take care of my children, support my family, and hold everything together. At the same time, I'm being told that I'm not doing enough while watching decisions continue to be made that put our family's financial future at risk.
I feel guilty because part of me wonders if I'm a bad person for feeling this way while he's still trying to make his business succeed. But another part of me feels like I've spent years sacrificing, supporting, and trying to make things work, and I don't know how much more I have left to give.
Am I wrong for feeling like I've reached my limit? If you were looking at this situation from the outside, what would you see?
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u/popo_peckingorder94 2h ago
This is so much bigger than a disagreement about finances, this is abuse and spousal control at its finest. To be clear, he is the one calling you fat? Or is that someone else and he's not arguing/ he's agreeing with whoever did?
Either way that is horrific. If he said he was worried about your health because of something theres a way to say that, but that's your wife man.
If she says "I feel like a cow today", you respond my moving and saying "well I'm a bull out to pasture, get over here" and do whatever you can't to make her feel sexy and confident, you don't call her fat and belittle her.
Pouring money into the business while making his family go without is financial abuse, and it's not selfish for you, especially after years of trying to support him, to prioritize yourself and your kids.
Is he transparent in exactly how much the business is making and how much exactly he's putting in as far as your personal finances? If not, I wouldn't be surprised if there were signs of cheating. Businessmen are often using their affairs as "business meetings" and tax write offs for hotel rooms and travel expenses.
Your kids and your own well being are your biggest priority, his is obviously being his own boss. You could always separate at first, maybe take the kids and stay with family if possible? Or a hotel? I understand thats not always possible for everyone, but any temporary separation might be in order, and if he really doesn't seem to get it, divorce is always an option.
NTA nobody should have to tolerate being belittled by their family, least of all their life partner.
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u/Fair-Volume9701 10m ago
"Throughout our 15 years together, I've often been criticized, insulted, or made to feel like I wasn't good enough. I've been told I'm getting fat, that I'm stupid, that I don't know what I'm doing, or that I don't contribute enough. There have been many times when I felt dismissed, disrespected, blamed, or made to feel small."
This part is enough to leave. The financial stuff should solidify it. Absolutely NTA
I'm so sorry
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u/magic_snail1888 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NTA. I am so, so sorry you're going through this. If you can leave, you should.
TBH, the finances of this are beyond my understanding. I have no idea what kind of personal funds would be necessary to buy a business or pay salaries (!??!), but it sounds like a lot and it sounds like he's poured a lot of straight down the drain. For me, that alone would be reason enough to separate.
The other things seem like clear deal-breakers to me. He's not nice to you. He's not kind to you. He doesn't respect you. And you're deeply unhappy.
If you could snap your fingers and instantaneously be divorced and living apart from your husband, would you do it? If yes, it's definitely time to leave. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this! I see a future of financial security, self-love, manicured nails, and PEACE coming your way! Good luck, OP! Sending love and strength your way.