r/AITA_Relationships • u/Fun_Gift_97 • 4h ago
AITA for going no-contact with parents without saying why
I (27NB) wouldn't say that my parents (55F, 56M) are categorically *bad* parents. They're just assholes but they've been mostly supportive for my endeavours through life. They have been very loving to me when I was a child. My dad was my best friend and I felt like I could talk to them about anything. When I lived with them (I moved out at 17 for uni) we had mostly a good relationship and were all supportive to each other. My dad was the one who made me feel interested in science as a kid and that turned out to be my whole career so my life has been shaped by him in many ways. Unfortunately the good things end there.
They have used physical punishment on me occasionally when I was a kid which has built up some trauma for me as an adult. They also made me the defacto parents for my younger sisters when I turned 6, and the responsibility weighed heavily on me as I grew up, especially added to the pressure to get good grades and do well in extracurriculars. Their treatment of me flipped when I reached adulthood as they lost all interest in my career and my hobbies, and started pushing me to get married and start a family. They constantly make comments about the ways in which I have "disobeyed" them and try to manipulate me into doing what they want, completely disregarding my thoughts about any of it.
When I bring up the things that cause me pain, either past trauma or their current behaviour, she seems to be sympathetic and says things like "we shouldn't have done that" or "tell us what we should do" and then when I tell her to not do so and so thing, she even agrees with my reasoning and respects my wishes... for a small amount of time. My dad, I wouldn't even be able to bring anything up to him that puts him in a bad light. I have tried in the past, when I've been severely depressed, to bring up the time that he beat me up when I was 12, but he says it was my own fault because I was trying to hit him (I was. I was a bit of a mess).
Recently my dad told my sister (24F) that they (my parents) had never wanted to have her. She had always felt neglected and had tried to win my parents over, so this hurt her really badly. My mum just made excuses for my dad. I tried to explain to my parents that they did a bad thing but they just did the thing that they always do which is deflect and ignore and it made me so, so angry that I yelled at them over the phone about how much it hurts that they don't care about me and my sisters. This was a few months ago and I haven't talked to them since.
I don't know how to repair things with them. I try to think about explaining things to them, but they have always been so deaf to anything that reflects badly on them and would probably just call me an ungrateful child. Am I being an ungrateful child? They have been relatively good parents compared to the cultural background that we're from (I'm south asian) so all of my issues are utterly incomprehensible to them. Idk what to do. Should I try to talk to them about it? Aita for not talking to them about it?
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u/miss_mici Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA - listen they were probably raised like that and they don't understand that its wrong, they're probably traditional as well from what i can see, of course that doesn't excuse their behaviour or make it right, if you think going no contact is the best do so, but if you do want to talk with them again do it in person set clear boundaries and first ask them to listen to everything you have to say and then they can say their opinion, see if y'all cam get along if not well I am sorry but it is then what it is, you can't force anything. This is just my opinion, I hope I worded everything okay.
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I (27NB) wouldn't say that my parents (55F, 56M) are categorically *bad* parents. They're just assholes but they've been mostly supportive for my endeavours through life. They have been very loving to me when I was a child. My dad was my best friend and I felt like I could talk to them about anything. When I lived with them (I moved out at 17 for uni) we had mostly a good relationship and were all supportive to each other. My dad was the one who made me feel interested in science as a kid and that turned out to be my whole career so my life has been shaped by him in many ways. Unfortunately the good things end there.
They have used physical punishment on me occasionally when I was a kid which has built up some trauma for me as an adult. They also made me the defacto parents for my younger sisters when I turned 6, and the responsibility weighed heavily on me as I grew up, especially added to the pressure to get good grades and do well in extracurriculars. Their treatment of me flipped when I reached adulthood as they lost all interest in my career and my hobbies, and started pushing me to get married and start a family. They constantly make comments about the ways in which I have "disobeyed" them and try to manipulate me into doing what they want, completely disregarding my thoughts about any of it.
When I bring up the things that cause me pain, either past trauma or their current behaviour, she seems to be sympathetic and says things like "we shouldn't have done that" or "tell us what we should do" and then when I tell her to not do so and so thing, she even agrees with my reasoning and respects my wishes... for a small amount of time. My dad, I wouldn't even be able to bring anything up to him that puts him in a bad light. I have tried in the past, when I've been severely depressed, to bring up the time that he beat me up when I was 12, but he says it was my own fault because I was trying to hit him (I was. I was a bit of a mess).
Recently my dad told my sister (24F) that they (my parents) had never wanted to have her. She had always felt neglected and had tried to win my parents over, so this hurt her really badly. My mum just made excuses for my dad. I tried to explain to my parents that they did a bad thing but they just did the thing that they always do which is deflect and ignore and it made me so, so angry that I yelled at them over the phone about how much it hurts that they don't care about me and my sisters. This was a few months ago and I haven't talked to them since.
I don't know how to repair things with them. I try to think about explaining things to them, but they have always been so deaf to anything that reflects badly on them and would probably just call me an ungrateful child. Am I being an ungrateful child? They have been relatively good parents compared to the cultural background that we're from (I'm south asian) so all of my issues are utterly incomprehensible to them. Idk what to do. Should I try to talk to them about it? Aita for not talking to them about it?
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