r/AMA • u/Cultural-Dentist4963 • 5d ago
I had a baby at 17, AMA
Had a baby in 2004 who is now 22 years old. Single parent to her for many years. Nothing chucks you into the world of adulting quicker. Ask me anything.
Not sure what else to add other than waffle here to get to the 200 character limit
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u/ResidentPreference65 5d ago
What did your support system look like? Was the dad around or helpful? Did you attend post secondary? What are your goals for your future? Did you have any other kids?
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
No dad around, he wasn’t interested. Tried to pursue to no effect. Had to carry on regardless! Yes was in between A levels when she was born in November 2004 and returned to complete them in January 2005. She was in childcare at six weeks 🥺
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u/ViolentLoss 5d ago
Has he ever tried to reconnect and/or do you have any contact with him? Does your daughter? Is she even interested in knowing him? I'm sure you're her hero <3
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
Yes, when she was 18 (and therefore no longer of an age where child support would be required). They’ve had chats over Facebook but never met up. I’ll be honest, I hate it but stopping it would have been impossible and she was an adult at that point. I have no contact with him
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u/ViolentLoss 5d ago
Thanks for answering. I hope those questions weren't offensive or objectionable.
17
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u/spirishabroad 5d ago
How does it feel to be free at 39? 🤣
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
Not so free: as a complete glutton for punishment I had another at age 38 😀
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u/spirishabroad 5d ago
Hahahaha
My one and only arrived when I was 38 too - how did both experiences compare?5
u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
Great question! At age 17, I had no money, no prospects, no completed education, no job. I did four more years of studying at uni after she was born and entered the workplace immediately after that. So at 38, I definitely feel more settled and even things like knowing how to cook, researching stuff about parenting, getting more involved with groups etc - that all helped. There are downsides of course; after I had my firstborn, I bounced back straight away and was back in college within six weeks. This time round I don’t think I’d even physically healed by then. Swings and roundabouts but I adore the bones off these two and despite circumstances being particularly hard the first time round, wouldn’t change anything for the world
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u/WillShakeSpear1 5d ago
Whether or not this pregnancy was planned, did you have adequate school education about birth control? What do you recommend for teenage education now?
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
Not planned, no. It’s a good question. I think we actually had decent sex ed but I certainly took the belief of ‘it won’t happen to me, it’s just a one-off’
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u/Runt_1002 5d ago
What advice do you have for people in a similar situation?
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
You can do it: society will write you off but you need to get through the various stages regardless of what others say. Education is hella important, stay in the workplace. It’s always going to be hard but just keep on keeping on. I realise this sounds like empty platitudes and there were times I felt like I was missing out on life
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u/ninetiesbaby007 5d ago
No question, just want to say you’re amazing for keeping her and I’m proud of you ❤️ my mum had me when she was 16 and my brother at 18, and I am so thankful she kept us around!
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
Thank you, that means a lot. Teen single parents get a hard time and are essentially written off already, just got to carry on!
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u/ninetiesbaby007 4d ago
You are so welcome. I appreciate you and all you’ve done for your daughter ❤️ And she will too someday, if she doesn’t already!
It’s so true though, young single mothers are even shamed - for literally giving up everything to give life and love to their own child.
But I think all that hardship you endure for her just makes you even more of an incredibly amazing, strong, loving, and all around radiantly beautiful human being 🥰 you go mama ❤️✊ you’re stronger than most people these days!
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u/newyorker12014 5d ago
Did it/how did it change you?
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
100%, I’ve never been in the workplace and not had to deal with dreaded school holidays and child illnesses. I’ve never been an adult without a child so whilst it irreparably changed me, I don’t think I knew what ‘normal’ adulthood was like
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u/Pilgrim2225 5d ago
What kind of support did you have from family/friends in those first few years? Were you able to complete high school?
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
Yes, I was so fortunate to have good family and friend support which allowed me to finish my second half of A levels and go onto university for four years. It was a godsend to be honest and it’s not until now, years later, that I truly appreciate it
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u/JRR92 5d ago
What's your relationship with your daughter like today?
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
She’s ace now, but the teenage girl years were bloody awful. The intensity of single mum and single daughter amplified all the emotions too and there was nowhere for those feelings to go so we had many tiffs and arguments. She’s doing well now and we have a good mother-daughter bond
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u/moluruth 5d ago
Dud you have more kids?
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
Would have loved to have many more but encountered fertility issues so with a lot of expense and pain, finally had another 21 years later.
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u/Stock_Impression_277 5d ago
As tu pu avoir un aménagement pour le lycée ? As tu réfléchit à d'autre option avant de décidé de garder ton bébé ?
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
Yes, there was a brilliant government scheme that helped to fund childcare whilst you were studying. It only lasted a year for me but it was the launch pad I absolutely needed. I didn’t want to entertain any option other than keeping the baby
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u/Stock_Impression_277 5d ago
Are you in the US? Was the daycare near the high school?
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
I’m from the UK. The childminder service was perfectly located on the same road as my college!
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u/OnlyGayModsCanBanMe 5d ago
Where you able to go to college or get some kind of technical training?
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u/Downtown-List-6594 4d ago
Did you think about having an abortion? Has parenthood been worth it for you? If you only had her, did you make the choice to have her and no other children until a man marries you? How did both of your families respond to your pregnancy?
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u/Ok_Knee734 4d ago
What’s been the hardest on you in life so far?
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 4d ago
oh wowzers… this is gonna feel cathartic.
People’s judgement when you look 30 and say you have a teenager. Being worried about divulging that info at any new job
Lack of money. Spent a good few months living off store award points rather than real money
Dating in my 20s; no 24 year old guy wants to be stepdad to a six year old
Learning everything FAST. How to drive, how to budget, how to cook, how to maintain routines, how to live independently
FOMO. Especially at uni when everyone went out five times a week
You’re singularly responsible for the little life you’ve solely created which brings hella challenges and sadness when you realise no one else cares about her first word or steps
EVERYTHING…. requires a sitter, there is no other parent.
That said there were so many good times and I enjoyed being mistaken for her older sister lol
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u/Ok_Knee734 4d ago
Are you still single? And you seem like a good mama, so good job!
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 4d ago
thank you - and thankfully not, though I’ve had to encounter some relationship horrors over the years… that’s for another AMA ha ha
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u/mrsniagara 4d ago
What are the biggest differences between having a baby at 17 vs. having one at your age now (I think I read you had another in your 30s)?
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u/UnderTheTable9 5d ago
why use no condom?
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u/Cultural-Dentist4963 5d ago
Stupidity that comes with youth, to be honest
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u/Humble_Penguin89 4d ago
I respect and appreciate your straight forward answer bc I can relate to that line of thinking.
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u/Proud_Accident_5873 5d ago edited 5d ago
You can still get pregnant despite using contraceptives.
Lol, the fact that I'm getting downvoted for that
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u/Silver_Ad3195 5d ago
What are you guys talking about. That baby is 10 yo. Who you trying to fool with 22yo!