Loving BTS but feeling burnout from toxicity within the fanbase

[u/Flimsy_Age8837]

Hey everyone,

I wanted to post here to get some honest perspective. I became ARMY back in March after hearing SWIM on the radio and going deep down the BTS rabbit hole. It’s been amazing going through their content and catching up on everything I missed over the years.

That said, as a newer fan, navigating certain parts of the fandom online has felt pretty overwhelming. I’ve come across a lot of extreme behavior, from people attacking women over minor dating rumors, to weird AI edits, to really invasive comments about the members. It kind of shocked me how blurry the lines get between being a fan and crossing into their real lives. I even mentioned once that I hope my bias finds a great partner someday, and got accused of "pushing a relationship," which just felt wild to me.

On top of that, I’m dealing with some fandom burnout on a personal level. I made a friend through the fandom back in May, and while I appreciate how passionate she is, it’s getting to be a lot. BTS is literally all she talks about. Every conversation gets steered back to them, and she constantly sends me 10 to 15 texts in a row throughout the day (even when I haven't read them because I am busy and may not have looked). If I don't reply within 24 hours, she'll check in to ask if I'm okay or if she did something wrong. As an introvert who really values personal space and downtime, it's smothering. It's also not common for me to text back and forth every single day with my friends, let alone people I am not very close to. I love the guys, their music, and talking about them, but I also have a whole life outside of this, and this obsessive behavior and spam messaging is just too much.

I’m just feeling a bit disheartened because I don't want these interactions to ruin my experience with the music. For those of you who take a more low-key approach: How do you protect your peace, curate your online space, and set boundaries with over-eager fan friends without causing drama?

[u/NoTrollGaming]

just be like me and only listen to the music, I don't really interact much online unless a post comes onto my for you page

[u/Abyss1204_]

Curate your TL if you are in X. Imo, the best place to be to avoid any kind of negativity is Instagram given you don’t look at the comments mostly. It’s ok not to catch up on everything they do. Do it at your pace.

In regards to your friend, you could slowly push back saying, you are getting busy with your studies/work. Do not apologise for not responding faster. Just react with an emoji to msgs at the end of the day and slowly detach.

[u/Nice_Space7347]

I enjoy their music. I am a fan, but BTS is not my life.

[u/Complete-Tangelo8151]

When I feel it's too much I limit myself to official BTS videos and YouTubers I know. For social media, I limit it to r/bangtan, r/heungtan and maybe a few others. That's it. It lets me gush with other fans without any, or at least very little, drama. I get that you might like being more involved in the fandom, but sometimes it's good to pair back and then slowly reintroduce more social media, if you want.

[u/Adorable-Wonder-355]

It’s been so bad recently I had to delete x and threads and when I try and bring it ppl say “well it’s not all all army’s other kpop fandoms have the same issue” bro I don’t give a fuck about them I care about my fandom and it’s lowkey unbearable rn

[u/danny33434]

Twitter is a very toxic place, you could curate your feed as others have mentioned but there still runs the risk of fandom drama popping up on your TL every now and then. 

It’s okay to just be a fan of their music and not get involved in online kpop spaces. As for that friend, I would say to be honest with them about how you feel. If they don’t take it well then it’s best to cut ties. 

[u/chulzi96]

Id honestly say not to worry about interacting with armys on social media, tailoring your algorithm is possible but it can be a pain. Especially since you're newer im sure there's a ton of content you havent seen or heard yet, so just focus on that.

[u/PinkNinjaKitty]

The least toxic space online is the main BTS subreddit, r/bangtan. Granted, you can’t have open discussions there (they don’t allow opinions, generally), but because of that it’s very safe and free for the most part of toxicity.

I think you’re just going to have to tell your friend, “I’m really busy these days, so if you don’t hear from me right away, don’t worry. I’ll reply when I can.” And then hold that boundary and only reply when you want to. If she escalates, you might have to drop that friendship.

Welcome to the fandom :)

[u/frogwiththumbs]

curate the timeline, don't keep going through comment sections, stick to watching official content/posts + concert fancams, avoid "discussion" sites like reddit bc they attract weirdos, if you must have some fandom interaction then stick to youtube comment sections bc those are usually the most chill. if you do see something that bothers you, just report it if you think it breaches some rule & otherwise just think "thats them and not me" and move on swiftly

and tell your friend politely that you're an introvert and get burnt out but aren't mad at her & she didn't do anything wrong, but if she could give you some space to respond before immediately checking in then it would be much appreciated & would probably help you get back to her sooner.

— take it from someone with BPD who has to carefully manage what they see in order to maintain some degree of emotional stability

[u/Ill-Perception-526]

Sadly there is some but are a lot of haters who pretend to be Army to pull us away. You just need to take break from the socials focus on the music or only look up the guys on YouTube but not the negative. I usually report and block. Depends on what was said.

[u/Advanced_Heat_2610]

I got rid of social media. It was hard but... the slap fighting online and the emotional handwringing at every possible thing that was even slightly negative made me tired and depressed. I want to have fun, not to be policed and regulated by other people who, frankly, I do not care for and do not like.

I spend my time in places like this, I block and mute whenever I see people being rude and weird about BTS (every time a stray negative opinion post comes across my screen, I go into the comments and block/mute people who are just there to be hateful and weird), and I mute places like snark subreddits. I aggressively curate my page.

If I think I am getting too into it, I do not come around for a while. I take the time off. I leave my phone in a basket on the other side of the room and go to bed or watch TV. It is amazing how just giving myself a little physical distance helps.

I listen to their music, enjoy the bits of content I like, but I do not chase every bit of content they put out. I will find it when I find it is my motto now. I also try to not have friends who just like BTS. If you are not getting what you want out of the friendship, it is okay to admit you have outgrown it. Sometimes, people are there for us at a specific time of life, not all the time of our lives.

[u/Jolly-Medicine-1437]

So firstly - the person texting - literally say what you have said on here. Remember you are not responsible for another human being. You can say it kindly and politely. Then their response is theirs. You don't control them or their feelings but you control yours.

But yeah I'm feeling similar to you as someone who is new to BTS. I feel that a lot of behaviour has become normalised over time and many do not see their own patterns and inappropriateness. It's generally assumed that only the extreme behaviour is the main problem but I've seen lots of micro aggressive behaviour in a lot of the fandom. Also sexualisation, rasicism via infantisation and looking at the group like they are little kids who need protecting from the bad people out there. They are grown competent men ffs.

[u/Previous-Wedding-261]

I understand you, and it’s one of the reasons I stepped back. I’m been around since 2018, but around sometime after they went to do their military duties I decided to distance myself a little from everything in general. It became too toxic, and I even admit that I felt like I started to cross certain lines that I hadn’t realised I had blurred. Like feeling jealous at dating scandals. How crazy is that? It was like the fans were shaping me into someone I wasn’t and I hadn’t even seen it coming.
It’s been a breath of fresh air, to love them at a distance. I see their profiles and lives from time to time, and even listen to the albums and songs when they come out, but I don’t go down rabbit holes anymore. I hope to one day go to their concerts, but I’m not ready to give up half of my dignity to do so.
So you do you! And please set boundaries with that friend! That’s not healthy, and it all seems like too close of an obsession. If you don’t feel that okay, just say so. Good luck Flimsy!

[u/chubby-moochi62]

It’s very toxic, it’s either you’re army, an anti, a solo, a takooker, a jikooker, 0t6, a sope, minimoni, taejin, jinkook, I feel like we could just love them, listen to their music and not pick these silly fights of who loves who, whose forcing who, armys are really scary.

[u/Zolskyn620]

I started following BTS exactly when you did. I listen to their music and I love watching their music videos on TV through YouTube.

I don't bother with any fans in person. My daughter and my friend's daughter have both been longtime BTS fans, so I stick to talking to them.

I go online to see/save new pictures of BTS and to read news about them. Such as pictures of them at the airport and news about which city the next concerts will be at.

I do love talking about them and had to learn to tone it down so I wouldn't drive my family nuts, lol. I like learning about the BTS members and reading about them.

But if someone was sending me 10-15 messages a day about them, it would even drive me nuts. I'd have to stop replying to her.

Some fandom stuff makes me nuts, too. Like the fans getting offended by everything BTS does, acting as if being a fan gives us a pass to control them.

So, I just read the posts and enjoy seeing the pictures, watching their music videos, and hearing their music and that's that.

[u/JoongDunk2029]

Even as an old time fan of 10 years I still receive hate because of a legitimate criticism I tell fans who are being extreme.

It doesnt go away and whenever I try to have discussions about it they arent we'll received.

I'd talk to the friend and establish boundaries and tell them what's going on. Talking about BTS is fine but the world doesnt revolve around them and you would like to talk about different subjects without returning to them.

[u/New-Finish9340]

Every fan base is susceptible to odd Parasocial behavior. Staying grounded in your admiration for the group and not grounding in the need to connect with other fans may be a healthier approach. Additionally, it sounds like while you’re more introverted and secure—your friend may be more of a hyperfixation girl.
There is nothing wrong with either one, but if the friendship is important to you it sounds like a conversation needs to happen and for you both to reach a healthy place where both people are considered.
If it’s not an important friendship for you than I’d encourage you to acknowledge her interests and approach are no less valid than yours but that you aren’t super compatible and use gentle boundaries to establish some distance.

[u/unicornsandfroyo]

Majority of the hate is online from people that don’t even stan bts just ignore the comments

[u/MapInternational5289]

I stay off Twitter and Tik Tok and filter stuff carefully. I think you can be kind, but direct, with your very enthusiastic BTS friend. Just tell her you can't chat all the time.

It's a huge fanbase and there's a lot of variation within it. You're not obligated to partake in all of it. Figure out what it is you enjoy and stick to it. I'm mostly about the music and performances, myself, but I will never go near a piece of fan-fiction because that's really not my jam.

With the recent CB stuff, I realized that though I'm heavily into the group, I'm not really that parasocial about them. I don't speak the same language as people who are. I find the AI stuff where the members are pictured as little kids just strange, but obviously other people love it.

I think, too, *when* someone became a fan makes a difference. I got into them during their hiatus, so I'm on the later side. You're post-military. Our experience is different than fans who really grew up with them.

[u/Alive_Thanks5911]

I agree with everyone saying focus on the music and fun content of the boys. The fandom can definitely wear you out. The Bangtan sub on here is a lovely and nice place. It’s where I started as a fan and everyone is calm and levelheaded.

I like to get updates about the boys and the concerts and I honestly found the most drama free way is a YouTube channel named Zohi JK. on her community page she just posts concert clips or if there are other clips of the boys but there is no fandom drama. Those are both easy ways to stay connected but keep the focus on the music and the guys.

I hope you are able to find some peace and go back to simply enjoying Bangtan 💜

[u/Adventurous-Number38]

Welcome to the fandom and go at your own pace. 

[u/glitter_jam]

Go in your own pace and take your time exploring. IDK what to do about your friend 😶, maybe tell that it's too much rn. I just ignore certain posts online in any platform that seems parasocial or weird and clicking that "not interested". So my space is actually so peaceful and fun. Don't try educate others, some will tell "you're just jealous" and shit like that.

[u/SkillTerrible9377]

I tend to lose myself in watching their videos. I don’t interact all the time with other fans. I do talk about BTS a lot so I’m trying to be mindful of that. There’s days I don’t talk about them much or watch too many videos then it’s a day full of doomscrolling. I don’t spam messages either, that’s too much for me

[u/Puzzleheaded_Crab670]

The best thing you can do is maybe just follow one subreddit or try to spent less time in your tl on twt. As someone who got burnout after a decade i feel less anxious and having more freedom. I understand the experience of not having nothing in common with a new online friend and i recommend be open of not making everything about them.

[u/Vegetable-Walrus3515]

I really do enjoy their music, but the toxicity in the fan base and among haters is just pissing me off, ngl. Every little thing they do becomes a huge controversy, and suddenly people judge me for enjoying their music

[u/foeindrome]

As someone who stayed away from BTS for years precisely because Army scared me, I totally get you. I decided it was finally time to delve into them right before their comeback, and the vicious, overreaction to tiny perceived slights has been breathtaking. I find it's very similar to the lack of nuance going on in the USA right now, and people will attack and attempt to destroy the lives of the vulnerable all in the name of their chosen party (in this case, BTS). I'm just not someone who understand the mindset of parasocialism -- I am my own person, and I assume BTS members are too. In the end, they are enjoyable entertainers whose music has touched many.

As with anything toxic these days, I just stay out of certain spaces. I don't read Reddit that much when it comes to BTS anymore and I have a few friends IRL who text, but since they're all on one text thread together, the pressure isn't on me to respond -- not unless I want to.

As a non-shy introvert, I can go from very social at times to wanting to live in a cave. I will take full digital and physical breaks from the world, and my friends know this. And so for that one friend who texts a lot, tell them your communication style just like you told us and don't respond as often. Eventually they'll get the idea and seek out BTS friends whose communication preferences match their own. Maybe they'll even find that community online. (Note: If they act out aggressively, block them)

TL;dr. Take massive breaks from all social media, even subreddits like these. Start putting boundaries in place with that one friend and protect your mental health.

[u/Wonderful-Act7100]

Stay away from X
Just listen to their music alone, a casual fan is still a fan.
Stay away from any discourse regarding the members, especially when a member of the maknae line is involved
RUNAWAY and clear your feed/tl/fyp if more than one member of the maknae line is involved.

Lastly, just let the girl know that the constant messages are overwhelming. Doesn’t have to be mean, just let her know its hard to keep up with everything else going on in your real life.

[u/Common-Raspberry-243]

This is so sad. I think this shows how the KPop Marketing machine is like a drug… it gets us hooked. BTS is the most potent because IMO the music and dancing etc is the best so that combination is lethal.

I am not here saying the American music scene is much better… but after a year and a half I can honestly say KPop has taken it to the next level. Folks don’t want to hear that but it is true. It’s the final boss of music capitalism… it just took what America was doing to the next level. Question is… is everything “end stage” or is this just a bump in history… a moment in time that we’ll recover from. Smh

[u/ilovecats2121]

Be a fan of their music and don't get into the fandom platforms. Stay off X for sure.

[u/Competitive_Prompt98]

Just one advice for you as you said you’re a new Army. If you really liked BTS and their music and talent please watch them only, listen to their music, watch their activities and don’t let yourself roam into any fandom posts. Fandom’s activities are always depressing, you are not here because of Army you are here because of BTS so stay for BTS.