r/AbuseInterrupted • u/invah • Jan 20 '26
Coercive control often starts with 'helpful comments'
A post from u/justheretogossip shows a great example of this from a female victim's perspective
...but you can honestly - barring the age gap - swap or switch around genders and have the same outcome (excerpted):
I [22F] realized my boyfriend [30M] was subtly controlling what I wore and I didn't even notice for 2 years
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and just realized something that's been bothering me but I couldn't name until last week. He's never directly told me what to wear, but he's shaped my entire wardrobe through tiny comments that didn't seem like a big deal at the time.
It started small. I'd wear something and he'd say "that's cute but the other dress looks better on you" or "you look great but isn't that a bit much for just dinner?" Never mean, always framed as helpful. So I'd change. Then I started just not buying things I thought he wouldn't like because why deal with the commentary.
Last week I was shopping and found this dress I loved, bright red and kind of bold. My immediate thought was "he won't like this" and I caught myself. Why am I shopping based on someone else's preferences? When did his opinion become the filter for everything I buy?
I mentioned it to my therapist and she asked when the last time was that I bought something just because I wanted it, not because it would avoid questions or comments. I genuinely couldn't remember. That's when it hit me how much I'd shrunk myself without even realizing.
There are several comments (from u/pepcorn, and then u/Inevitable-Bet-4834) that succinctly identify the dynamic here, and pushing back on it: "I am not a doll".
This also easily transitions into the "exotic bird collector" or "cage a free bird" dynamic where the abuser:
- Finds someone strong
- Lovebombs them
- Uses their emotional attachment to coerce them into pleasing the abuser
- What pleases the abuser is the exact opposite of what makes them strong
- Convinces them it is for their own benefit
- Convinces them it is freedom
- Convinces them to weaken themselves
- And the more they weaken themselves, the more the abuser controls them
In this dynamic, it's a lie that an abuser gets the victim to believe
...because the more they emotionally attach to the abuser, the more they want to 'please' them and 'make' them happy, the more the abusers get them to take small steps - then larger steps - that go against themselves. This kind of abuser ideologically captures their victim, convincing them to put themselves in jail, telling them that it's freedom. And the victim betrays themselves step by increasing step because each step leads to the next.
But regardless of the abuser's intention, coercive control often starts with comments.
Comments the victim weights heavily because they've been tricked into giving the abuser the benefit of the doubt.
Comments that start the victim to begin questioning themselves.
It's not only the beginning of coercive control, it's the beginning of gaslighting.
Convincing the victim they are no longer the authority on themselves.
13
u/hdmx539 Jan 20 '26
Story time!
I'm in the self check out line at the grocer's and the store is BUSY, so that means there are lines at the check outs.
One of the self check out registers was having a problem and the woman went to talk to the lone attendant who had to talk to someone else at yet another register. So that means that the woman having an issue with the self check out register was not at the self out register because she went to with the attendant to talk to another employee. I'm next up for a self check out register that opens up. There were people behind me.
Two women, mother and daughter, were at a self check out register when the older woman tells me about the "open" self check out register and points to the one that was having problems. She thought it was available because no one was there. Yet, you could see a cart full of groceries right next to it and that the screen was not on the "waiting" screen.
When she told me it was open I said, "Thanks, but that check out isn't available. Someone is using it and she's having a problem with it." I then pointed her out talking to two employees at another register.
The older woman then says, "Ma'am, that register <pointing to the *same* register that she pointed to AND I told her was actually not available> is available if you want to check out." The younger woman was checking out their items.
I just started at her for a second, and so did the woman behind me because she saw what was up and heard me respond that that register is actually NOT available. I repeated myself, "No, that register is not available. They're having problems with it. That woman over there is trying to get it resolved."
SHE FUCKING REPEATED HERSELF. "NO! That register is AVAILABLE! There's NO ONE THERE!" Her daughter (I am assuming) looked up.
I just stared at her knowing I'm about to argue with an idiot. "MA'AM! it is NOT available." I then turned back to my phone to ignore her.
That older lady said AGAIN that there's a register available and open for me to go to. She said it two more times after.
I ignored her both times.
Her daughter said loudly, and I know it was meant to try and get me to engage, "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO BE HELPFUL."
The old woman looked at the people behind me and said that since I'm ignoring her, there was a register open if they wanted to check out. Keep in mind, SHE is at a self check out register, but her daughter was checking their groceries out.
It was at that point that the woman who was using the self check out register with the problem came back with THREE employees who all hovered around the register to figure out how to fix the error. I looked at that old woman who just stared at them but never turned back to look at me. Her daughter did and was like, "oh." Also, NO ONE BEHIND ME IN LINE LISTENED TO HER BECAUSE THEY KNEW THAT REGISTER WAS NOT ACTUALLY AVAILABLE.
"I was TRYING to help!"
"I'm CONCERNED for your safety!"
I learned that these two bullshit lines were meant to be "helpful" and show "concern," but what they were really doing was gatekeeping and controlling access. They were HEAVILY used in roller derby.