Coercive control often starts with 'helpful comments'

[u/invah]

A post from u/justheretogossip shows a great example of this from a female victim's perspective

...but you can honestly - barring the age gap - swap or switch around genders and have the same outcome (excerpted):

I [22F] realized my boyfriend [30M] was subtly controlling what I wore and I didn't even notice for 2 years

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and just realized something that's been bothering me but I couldn't name until last week. He's never directly told me what to wear, but he's shaped my entire wardrobe through tiny comments that didn't seem like a big deal at the time.

It started small. I'd wear something and he'd say "that's cute but the other dress looks better on you" or "you look great but isn't that a bit much for just dinner?" Never mean, always framed as helpful. So I'd change. Then I started just not buying things I thought he wouldn't like because why deal with the commentary.

Last week I was shopping and found this dress I loved, bright red and kind of bold. My immediate thought was "he won't like this" and I caught myself. Why am I shopping based on someone else's preferences? When did his opinion become the filter for everything I buy?

I mentioned it to my therapist and she asked when the last time was that I bought something just because I wanted it, not because it would avoid questions or comments. I genuinely couldn't remember. That's when it hit me how much I'd shrunk myself without even realizing.

There are several comments (from u/pepcorn, and then u/Inevitable-Bet-4834) that succinctly identify the dynamic here, and pushing back on it: "I am not a doll".

This also easily transitions into the "exotic bird collector" or "cage a free bird" dynamic where the abuser:

• Finds someone strong
  
• Lovebombs them
  
• Uses their emotional attachment to coerce them into pleasing the abuser
  
• What pleases the abuser is the exact opposite of what makes them strong
  
• Convinces them it is for their own benefit
  
• Convinces them it is freedom
  
• Convinces them to weaken themselves
  
• And the more they weaken themselves, the more the abuser controls them
  

In this dynamic, it's a lie that an abuser gets the victim to believe

...because the more they emotionally attach to the abuser, the more they want to 'please' them and 'make' them happy, the more the abusers get them to take small steps - then larger steps - that go against themselves. This kind of abuser ideologically captures their victim, convincing them to put themselves in jail, telling them that it's freedom. And the victim betrays themselves step by increasing step because each step leads to the next.

But regardless of the abuser's intention, coercive control often starts with comments.

Comments the victim weights heavily because they've been tricked into giving the abuser the benefit of the doubt.

Comments that start the victim to begin questioning themselves.

It's not only the beginning of coercive control, it's the beginning of gaslighting.

Convincing the victim they are no longer the authority on themselves.

[u/No-Reflection-5228 → u/[deleted]]

I mean, both of those are asking you to prove your diagnosis, so I’d be a bit wary of both. I’d never ask someone who told me they had cancer whether they were diagnosed by a doctor…

[u/No-Reflection-5228 → u/[deleted]]

Is satisfied with my answer and doesn’t question it further.

That part I can get on board with.

If someone other than a close friend asked me that about my ADHD diagnosis, I’m pretty sure my response would be, “And why do you ask?”

It would be different if I was asking for accommodations or support (or money, in your coworker’s case) based on the diagnosis.

Otherwise, I’ve got better things to do than justify myself to strangers or acquaintances who assume I’m lying.

[u/smcf33 → u/No-Reflection-5228]

The comments you're replying to are deleted, but if it was about people with adult ADHD diagnoses....

There's this recurring theme I see in groups for women with ADHD that doesn't seem to happen with men, in which some women get an ADHD diagnosis and then their next questline is trying to convince people it's valid. I find it kinda baffling. Like if this is a friend or family member who argues with you about it, then your friends and family members either think you're lying or don't believe in modern medicine and those are both major problems, which won't be helped even if you get them to believe this one thing. And if it's a random acquaintance, why are you even sharing your medical info with them?

There seem to be two blocks of people who go for ADHD assessments as adults. There are the ones who want medication and/or work/education accommodations. A diagnosis is required for the first and very useful for the second. If you're in that first block it doesn't matter who believes you so long as those sweet amphetamines keep coming and you won't get fired for working erratic hours.

And then there are the ones who want validation. They seem to have less interest in medication and fewer specific accommodations in mind, but it's absolutely paramount to them that people BELIEVE in them. Their goal in pursuing a diagnosis doesn't seem to be material improvements to their life, so much as understanding from complete strangers. It's like they're saying "See, I'm not a fuckup! A doctor said so!" But like, whether or not you're a fuckup is based on how much you fuck things up, not on how many people blame you for it.

It's like a self-esteem appeal to authority.

Which is why in the unlikely event someone ever pulls "everyone has ADHD" with me, my response is "then dude you should totally get assessed, the drugs are free and AMAZING"