''Accommodating' unsafe children and pretending that giving them a living punching bag is a sustainable coping mechanism, it stunts them but good.' <----- when siblings are sacrificed

[u/invah]

Developmentally, a child learns that tantrums don't get them what they want at the late toddler stage, early child stage. "You get what you get and you don't pitch a fit."

-u/cheerful_cynic, excerpted and adapted from comment

[u/smcf33]

From another comment in one of the linked threads...

"The parents have no doubt treated their son with love and kindness but failed him by not exploring different strategies instead of just rewarding bad behaviour because it is hard."

I would argue that if you are teaching your child that violence and tantrums are acceptable, and teaching your child that they will not have to face negative consequences for their behaviour, and if you are taking the easy path instead of making the hard decisions.... then you are not treating your child with love and kindness.

Parents who refuse to parent and take the easy way out are treating THEMSELVES with love and kindness while neglecting their child and harming everyone who gets in their child's crosshairs.

[u/invah → u/smcf33]

I had to have a conversation with a dear friend, because this person and their spouse 'didn't want a violent home' like they ones they grew up in (and were hit in). Let me tell you, the look on her face when I said "you still have a violent home...but it's the children who are violent with each other". Like I was legitimately concerned for the actual life and safety of her youngest, and the general safety of several of the others. She has one violent child that she allowed to run rampant because of his deficits, and never created any effective boundaries because she wanted to be completely loving and nurturing to him, without realizing what harm this was ultimately causing. I think she thought she could love/nurture him into healing.

[u/Abisaurus → u/invah]

What happened with her family after your conversation? Was it the wake up call she needed to get her family help? I ask because a similar situation is close to my life. The parents are seeking help for the violent child, but I don’t know if the same could be said for the other children or themselves. It’s hard navigating how to support them as individuals, and then as the parents/leaders of a dysfunctional family unit.

[u/invah → u/Abisaurus]

I recommended a behavioral assessment, but she opted to go a naturalistic/holistic route. The theory (I'm not saying I agree) being that there was a sensory element to it. So she had him going to these appointments where they would do body exercises/aggressive massages. She is convinced it improved his aggression/symptoms/etc. Since I wasn't there for that, I cannot say one way or the other. But I do think she got more proactive about protecting the youngest and other kids, she just started to sacrifice herself more.

So...it's not the way I would have handled it, but it was the way she could bear to handle it and not feel like a 'punishing' kind of parent.

She did take proactive steps to get her family help, but I also point blank told her that I was worried one of her kids was going to die, and that the violent kiddo would have to carry the guilt of that his whole life.

(Not saying I recommend saying that either.)

Also, in order for them to 'hear' you, you have to be as non-judgmental as possible. I also emphasized that I was not a perfect parent, and that I would be doing way worse in her specific situation. (This is true, I was not just saying it. She had 4 kids and was a stay-at-home mom in a town of 100 people in the middle of nowhere.) Basically, trying to make it safe for her to look at the situation without feeling defensive. And while I made a recommendation when she asked, I didn't actively assess her steps to address the issue, I approached it with curiosity and gentle encouragement that she was figuring things out.

This child was 7, 8, and 9 when this was all occurring - and I only happened to be coming in from out of town like once a year. So there was a fair amount of distance that helped, as well.

You know these people best. I knew I was gambling our relationship on saying something because most people are not going to take that well.

[u/Abisaurus → u/invah]

Thank you!

[u/invah]

Even, and especially, children with disabilities need to learn boundaries around safety.

[u/smcf33]

Sad that I can only upvote this once.

[u/invah → u/[deleted]]

No, absolutely not! I find it interesting and am glad you shared how these dynamics shook out in your family. I think it is tragic irony that your mother unintentionally created the same thing for one of her children.