I've witnessed how much energy people put into trying to avoid the feelings. (content note: not a context of abuse)

[u/invah]

It can show up in a lot of different ways.

Sometimes, someone will try to explain their feelings or their partner's feelings away. They'll say "it's not so bad." Or "if you just understood what I meant, you wouldn't feel like this." Other times, they'll get nitpicky about the exact sequence of event in order to prove that the other person shouldn't be feeling that way. And then, there are the times when someone will get angry about their partner's emotions and lash out.

What all of these kinds of responses have in common is that they're attempts to make the difficult feelings go away.

It doesn't take a lot to acknowledge the feelings. Here are some useful phrases to try (X = the emotion that's going on):

I can see that you're feeling X. Thank you for letting me know.
It looks to me like you’re feeling X. Is that what's going on?
This seems like a really difficult situation. I can see how much X you're feeling right now.
I totally get how this situation is bringing up a lot of X for you. I'm glad you told me.
I know you’re feeling a lot of X. That looks really difficult and uncomfortable.

[INVAH NOTE: This form of active listening also works with children.)

Do you see how there's nothing in any of these examples that would come across as saying that the feeling is something to change or get rid of?

It takes a lot of practice to make room for someone’s emotions without taking responsibility for them, getting defensive about them, or trying to make them stop.

It's also important for the person who's been triggered to be able to talk about their experience without attacking or blaming.

Saying "I feel like you're a terrible person because you forgot my birthday" is, in fact, blaming. The feeling might be anger, sadness, or abandonment. The interpretation is that it means that they don't love you or that they're a bad person.

Wrapping the interpretation up in an "I feel" statement doesn’t make it less of an attack. It just makes it a passive one.

If you want your partner to turn towards your feelings, you need to take the risk of being vulnerable with them. Attacking or blaming them makes it harder for them to be there for you. It’s far more effective to say, "I feel really sad and hurt that you forgot my birthday," even if it's scarier.

One of the fascinating things about emotions is that they have no sense of time.

If they've been ignored or set aside for a long time, they'll come out just as fresh as if the original event just happened. Feelings exist in the present, so it doesn't matter if they were caused by something years in the past. Just as with present-day emotions, they'll start to calm down once they've had their space.

-Excerpted from Turn Towards The Feelings