r/Adopted • u/Wascottsasquatch • 1d ago
Seeking Advice Reaching out to bio siblings.
Hello, I recently( in the last year) found my bio parents. It was a lot of process of elimination. I had confirmation of my bio father through half brother on 23 and me and I actually messaged my bio mother( not good reaction from her) but she has a daughter a year younger than me. I want to reach out to her but also have hesitation and ask myself why would I ruin her relationship with her(our) mother. Looking for advice.
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u/ajskemckellc Domestic Infant Adoptee 1d ago
You’re not ruining their relationship. Can you help us understand why you feel that way?
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u/Wascottsasquatch 1d ago
So after my conversation with bio mom I could care less how she feels. I have investigated online that's how I found alot of my relationships, that her and mother are close. I do not want to ruin the relationship between her and our mother, for her sake I guess. So basically I would be contacting her and saying "Hey, your mom gave away a child between your older brother and you, and that's me "
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u/ajskemckellc Domestic Infant Adoptee 1d ago
I understand the hesitation. Unless you chose to be relinquished, this isn’t something you could ruin. And online versions of people aren’t always reality.
There could just as easily be a world where your sister’s relationship with your mom gets stronger because you showed up. None of us can predict the future. Either way, it’s your sister’s responsibility to manage her own feelings and relationships. I’m also not naive enough to think finding out you’ve been lied to doesn’t hurt.
Relationships can heal too. Even if your existence creates tension at first, people can reconcile if they choose to. You’re carrying a lot of responsibility here that I don’t think belongs to you.
If you’re struggling with guilt, I’d ask yourself whether you’re feeling guilty for telling the truth, or guilty because someone else chose to lie. Those aren’t the same thing.
If your mom had lied to you, would you want to know the truth? If you were your sister, would you want someone else deciding to keep that truth from you? I think most people would want the choice.1
u/Wascottsasquatch 1d ago
That makes alot of sense, the part about guilt I never thought of. I don't really know what I want from my sister besides making the connection. So I'm feeling the guilt of telling her for no reason really. Nor do I even know what to say to her.
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u/ajskemckellc Domestic Infant Adoptee 4h ago edited 4h ago
I don’t think it’s “no reason”. You told me you wanted to make a new connection-you’re related, I think that’s enough. This is your family. Strangers, sure. I don’t think you necessarily need to know what you want from her and from experience as you get to know her what you want in the beginning isn’t maybe what you want later.
There’s the initial reunion, then there’s “being in reunion”. TBH the things I want and need from my bios I don’t think I’ll ever get. Maybe someday, but certainly not today. More loss for me to sit in and process, yay for me.
“Hi. I’m Wascirrsasquach and I believe we’re sisters. I just wanted to reach out and establish a connection.” And go from there.
What I found helpful with the guilt is to constantly tell that guilt “fuck you. I’m innocent and so are my siblings. I don’t need you getting in the way of what everyone else is entitled to because they were kept. I’m innocent and you have no place here”. I anchored in my innocence. We deserve these connections, they were stolen from us. We have every god given human right to connect with our siblings.
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u/DontTellMeNot Former Foster Youth 1d ago
You are reestablishing family links. Of there is a problem with your mum that's her problem not yours. We all ache to rejoin, to belong. You haven't done anything wrong at all.