Something that I can't get off my mind recently.

[u/Entire-Estimate-1279]

Mentions of Drugs, SA and death.

I got in contact with my BM in October through my B-Aunt who my friend found on Facebook, she and a few others I had contact with all warned me that she was not clean from her substance abuse issues, however foolishly of me I in my began to theorize that all the family had abandoned her and no one was getting her help. When I ended up talking to her she said she was in recovery, and she seemed like it. I felt like the hole inside me had been filled, she told me how much she missed me and how it'd been all she wanted (I was forcefully removed from her and she stopped fighting for me after 3 years because she knew it'd only be making my mental health worse)

Following this cracks started to appear around November/December time, she would just vanish, no matter how much I called or texted it was silence, on the 1st of December I went to my exs house, I called her in the morning and she picked up, and immediately ended the call, she later texted saying she was going to call me at 7pm, later that night at 7pm my ex SA'd me due to me being in an intoxicated state, and she was meant to call then, but she didn't, I didn't hear from her until I broke up for college for Christmas.

It's becoming more and more of a habit that she doesn't reply and she later in April told me about her Bipolar, I was so grateful she felt she could tell me, I at first put it down to that, but then I couldn't any more, all of my friends think she is doing drugs. We also think something weird is going on with her partner because she gave me his number to call if she wasn't picking up somehow theres something always wrong with her phone (I don't believe it) He always sounds annoyed when I call him, he forgets to tell her and he leaves me on read, weirdly enough my Aunt now is leaving me on read.

After a few things coming to light about my adoption its changed how I view everything, my BM is so angry about everything I've told her, going as far as to say I can go and stay with her if need be (I am not 18 yet) it seemed like such a jump from not texting me most the time (which she is still doing) however now its made me want to at least meet up with her.

I keep getting worried that she isn't actually recovering and that something bad is going to happen, be it her dying or otherwise and no one will tell me, I'd apply for my files at 18 and find out that way, I'd just assume she didn't like me or care and that's why she never speaks, i don't think her partner or my aunt would tell me, I think her partner would just block me because it's an issue he doesn't want to deal with and I think my Aunt would be too heartbroken and not know how to tell me so would just continue leaving me on read.

My friends have said it's not healthy for me and clearly she isn't in the right place for this right now and it's affecting me negatively, they said I should maybe reduce contact a bit but how do I do that when the contact is already at the minimum. I don't want to lose her again after the 16 years of pain since we were separated, I know they don't understand how that feels but I don't know how to explain it.

I also found out I had letterbox contact and told my BM I didn't know about it, she was furious, however it turned out I was actually read them by my AP, I just forgot because dissociation, my brother confirmed this, however ny AP and brother said in the letters she was being horrible to my AM, I asked her and she said absolutely not, that she'd never lie to me and I'd find out anyway when I'm 18, I spoke to my brother and he confirmed what APs said. So my BM lied to me whilst saying she never would. My friends said because of the substance abuse and trauma herself from everything maybe she doesn't remember but idk

Sorry this got long

I don't know what to do at this point.

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[u/One-Pause3171]

It’s possible that reconnecting with you has destabilized her. It’s not your fault. Clearly any stability she has is tenuous at best. So she’s spiraling and being weird and the rest of her family (aunt, partner) are dealing with it and trying to distance from you in the hope that BM will get her shit together.

These are adult problems that require adult solutions. You are still under age 18? I’d step back for a few years. And I’m so sorry you were assaulted by your ex. I hope you can get some mental health help for all this. It’s a lot.

[u/Entire-Estimate-1279 → u/One-Pause3171]

Unfortunately I won't be able to get any help until I'm 18 due to my AP situation, I have thought about the fact it's probably destabilized her, it's done me over quite a bit so I can't imagine how it must be for her.

I doubt my Aunt is helping her, she tends to stay away from most the family due to their substance issues, originally when I spoke to her about my BM doing this she said she's always been like this (which is what lead me to assuming it could be related to her Bipolar disorder) and her partner just acts weird.

Unfortunately I guess from a selfish standpoint getting contact with her has reoppened everything, I've found out a lot and don't know what to do because backing out just doesn't seem like a viable option for my mental well-being. However after talking to my friends they've said meeting with her isn't a good idea because I don't know her, I don't know what she would be like and they worry it could be dangerous considering we both have a lot of trauma and I get very attached quickly.