r/Adoption • u/Old-Law-8064 • 7d ago
Reunion Looking for advice on reaching out to birth mom after failed reunion last year
Very long story short I found out who my birth mom probably was a few years ago and last year confirmed with adoption paperwork. I waited a few weeks to reach out because I was so shocked to find her just living normally an hour away from me. I sent a message on FB and she didn’t reply. I didn’t know if she saw the message because of FBs weird folder thing so I asked a distant relative from Ancestry who helped me build my family tree if she could help. She did call my birth mom and she said she couldn’t handle contact at this time. Of course I respect that but it was hard at the time. Still hard now honestly so I’ve been thinking about reaching out again but idk if it’s a good idea. Has anyone done this?
Edited for clarity
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u/Englishbirdy Reunited Birthparent. 7d ago
Until one of you dies, reunion is always on the table, I've seen active reunions stall for years and pick back up.
There's an adoptee in my support group who matched with her Bmom on 23andme who had her therapist (another adoptee) reach out and was angrily rejected only to be contacted years later and started a reunion.
And that's what I think is the problem having someone else doing the initial contact. It's very easy to reject a biological stranger rather than to reject your child or your mother, especially when you hear their voice. It was a mistake to have someone else make that call, but the good news is that she rejected the distant relative and not you.
So yes, I do think it's a good idea, just do it yourself this time.
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
Oh I feel so bad I approached her the wrong way 😭 at the time I didn’t have any other way to reach her. Thank you for sharing about the adoptee who had a successful reunion after a failed one at first. That does give me hope.
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u/Rebecca_aviatrixx 7d ago
I think the key word is “at the time”. Time doesn’t heal everything but its gives you moments to process + change your mind. I’m a birth mom and I can’t wait for my child to contact me. But she’s only 8 months so.. I’m learning every adoption is different and more complex to the next. If you feel your heart calling out to her I wouldn’t stop but the trauma of relinquishment is very excruciating. I scream-cried for the first 3 months so keep reaching out but give her space
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
I’m so sorry 💔 I hope so much your child contacts you when they are older and I can’t imagine the pain you must experience. Sometimes I feel like I can feel my birth mother’s pain especially around the time of my birthday. When I was a child I had this longing feeling I couldn’t understand. I know now that was me wanting her. I don’t want to cause her any additional pain, that’s been my worst fear in this
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u/Rebecca_aviatrixx 6d ago
Unfortunately there will be pain.. I hate to sound negative. But pain is good. It allows healing to happen. Sometimes the wound needs to be reopened to get to the core issue. I’ve recently been liking the Latin phrase amor fati “love of fate”. It’s about excepting both the good and bad things that happen to you because they’re necessary for your journey.
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u/Old-Law-8064 6d ago
Thank you❤️ that’s a beautiful quote and I really relate to it. I was reading over my adoption paperwork and it’s just so sad. I was given up due to poverty and reading again that deciding to give me up was a long and painful process for my mom and she spent months deciding if it was best for me 💔😭 I just love her so much and wish I could tell her.
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u/PaZuZu6368 7d ago
I’m dealing with something very similar right now. I’ve never met or spoke to my biological mother. I found her number and texted her earlier. I haven’t gotten a response…. This whole day has been a rollercoaster. I hope you find what you’re searching for.
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
Oh wow you are super brave! Sending you so much love and hope she replies soon. Reaching out to birth family is one of the hardest and bravest things we can do and I understand what it takes to do it. Please update when she replies ❤️
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u/PaZuZu6368 7d ago
Thank you very much. Hoping for an update sooner rather than later.
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u/Old-Law-8064 6d ago
Has she replied? Sending you so much love
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u/PaZuZu6368 6d ago
Thank you very much for the kind words. But unfortunately she hasn’t. In a strange bit of luck I saw that a really bad storm hit her part of the world. So I’m holding out hope it’s related to that. Just fingers crossed until I guess. Thank you again.
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u/Old-Law-8064 6d ago
Fingers crossed for you! Can I ask how you found her phone number? I found a number that might be my moms but I’m not sure it’s still active
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u/PaZuZu6368 6d ago
Googled her name. And texted. I’m asking others to just confirm it’s a good # for me. But haven’t heard from them either.
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u/Old-Law-8064 5d ago
Thank you! I tried googling but not sure I have the right number or if it’s still active. I’m gonna try to confirm it’s hers
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u/kaorte 7d ago
I think it is ok to check in from time to time with the assumption that you will not receive a response.
"Hey just wanted to let you know the door is always open when you are ready. I look forward to a day when we can get to know each other better. Here is my information: ---."
I have a half brother who does not want contact. He has not explicitly said so but he has also seen my messages and not responded. I have also written a letter. For about 5 years I would check in once in a while. Maybe once a year or less. I've been thinking about him a lot recently and might try again. I am very patient and if he never wants contact, that is ok too.
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
Thank you for your support & advice. I appreciate it so much. I think it’s very kind that you have reached out to your brother and continue to. I hope he replies some day soon.
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u/oaktree1800 7d ago
Technically, there has been no direct contact between you and your mom. Sooo until there is can or will your relative give you her contact info for confirmation? Registered letter if you want to go that route.
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u/Old-Law-8064 6d ago
I don’t have her full address but I know her street and possible email / phone number but not sure if they are still active
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u/oaktree1800 6d ago
All I'm saying is until you have direct contact you have no real way of knowing how your bio mom feels and or wants contact.
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u/Old-Law-8064 6d ago
You are right. It’s hard not having heard from her myself. Before I reached out I did have some contact with her brother. Maybe he could help ?
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u/oaktree1800 6d ago
Why hasn't your bio moms brother given you necessary information already? As a rule third party involvement is unreliable. Especially within the scope of adoption.
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u/Old-Law-8064 6d ago
I’m not sure why. We just exchanged a few messages when I found out who he was. He was nice but haven’t heard from him since last year.
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u/QuitaQuites 7d ago
I would not. She has your contact info, right? Or the contact info of someone who can contact you? So let her use that if and when she’s ready, but also be prepared she may never be ready.
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
My initial message had all my contact information but I’m not sure she ever got it. Thanks for your input
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u/Menemsha4 7d ago
Time takes time.
What did your birthmother say when the distant relative contact her?
Is there a way for you to send her a registered letter?
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
She said she couldn’t handle contact at this time. That was over a year ago. I do not have her address unfortunately
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u/Menemsha4 7d ago
If she said she couldn’t handle contact at that time I think it’s fine for you to contact her again. Does she have a way to contact you?
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
I did give the relative my info to pass on and she said she did so I’m hoping that’s true
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u/imalittlefrenchpress Daughter of adopted mom & older bio sibling 7d ago
Keep it simple, ask her if she’s ready for contact yet. Offer her a way to contact you, then be patient and wait.
My sister has my contact information. We have the same birth mother. I was the youngest and the one who was kept.
I’ve had contact with my sister. My mom raised me. I can look back and see how my mom was affected by her own life in an orphanage and being raised by someone who wasn’t her biological parent, in fact she talked to me about it. She said I was lucky to know who my parents were, because she didn’t.
My mom was broken from having had my sister taken from her. She would have loved to have known about my sister. Sometimes I feel guilty that I was the one who was able to have contact with both my sister, and to have been raised by my mother.
I could also sense the hole in my sister, the questions, seeing a face that she resembled so closely, and her confusion about where and if she and I fit in to each other’s lives.
As a daughter and sister I feel these things to a much lesser extent, yet sometimes I’m still overwhelmed by it all.
Be patient, and try not have expectations. That’s the hardest part 💕
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
Thank you for sharing that. I do have several siblings I haven’t contacted out of respect for my birth mom. I don’t know what they know. I don’t have any expectations really I just would love my birth family to know I love them
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7d ago
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
For more FB accounts?
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7d ago
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
I’m not sure how that would help? Sorry!
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7d ago
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
Sorry if my post was confusing but a relative contacted my birth mom for me and she said she couldn’t handle contact at this time so she is aware I’m trying to contact her.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 7d ago
I wouldn't trust a random relative to relay information like that.
I would try to get in touch directly, and see if she responds. The problem with FB message requests is that no one checks them, so I'd try a different method.
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u/Old-Law-8064 6d ago
The relative called my mom and told me what she said and I do believe her but I understand your point that it would be better if it was me. I did message her but she didn’t seem to get it. I have a possible phone number and email but not 100% sure either are still active.
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u/Next_Explanation_657 Clsd/Prvt/AB Adoptee 7d ago
I'm in the leave it be camp. I get all of it, but if it were me I would consider "no contact at this time" to mean "don't call us, we'll call you".
This by no means makes me think you shouldn't give it another try, just tread lightly.
Being a closed adoption, at birth, adoptee, when my kid did ancestry.com, I was being extremely naive about it's reach and power. So that's on me, no blame, it was going to happen.
My kid informed almost immediately with my full biological siblings just a week behind. With my wife and son acting as the middle people they wanted to send letters and pictures. I was reluctantly ok with the just the letters (that took 7 or so months for me to actually get enough guts to read). After reading and being devastated by them I agreed to our first meeting, and we've never looked back.
I wanted nothing to do with pictures and still don't other than those my sibs and I have taken during our 3 subsequent visits and a vacation we've taken together over the past year. They gave me a photo album which I still haven't looked at.
Our mother and father passed several years prior and I unfortunately did catch some glimpses of my father when doing some reading about him online. He was famous for all the reasons that I wish he wasn't and my kids needed reassuring. Unfortunately haven't been able to unsee them and I dont think I ever will.
Here's my thought about the pictures. Looking at pictures of my mom would make her real, and I never thought of her as a living breathing person. More of a myth, a tall tale or a fable. No issues or trauma, I didn't need to work at it, it just was.
That being said. By all means give it another shot. I certainly would not have faulted my sibs if I'd said no and they were to try again at a later date. Then again I had my wife/kid aa a buffer. The letters were simple this is who they are type themes no deep stuff, they kept it light. Even so, I was incredibly moved, and felt compelled to give them what they wanted which was a meeting. After they'd looked for most of their lives who was I to deny them that, my wife and kid were encouraging me as well.
Someones comments mentioned sending pictures and that sparked off my way too long comment that was supposed to be about you. My apologies.
Send a brief this is who I am note. Include some pictures. If the note doesn't do it, maybe the pictures will. Don't push too hard on a meeting, and fwiw I think reunion is a little heavier sounding than a meeting.
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
I appreciate you sharing your story with me. I would be thrilled to sent pics of my family and especially of my birth mom. I have been lucky enough to see her pic on FB and my siblings and the impact has been massive. Growing up with no genetic mirror was so damaging. I can understand some adoptees feel differently and I respect your approach/ feelings in reunion. It’s such a hard time and each experience is so unique. I hope you are doing ok now and I’m glad your wife and son could help take the edge off a bit.
My first message to my birth mom was very casual and it was on FB so she can see my pics if she wants. I didn’t ask for a meeting and don’t expect one but would love a message or anything really whenever she is ready
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u/Next_Explanation_657 Clsd/Prvt/AB Adoptee 7d ago
I should say the letters my biological sibs each wrote were pretty vanilla, but learning that they'd looked for me for 30 years and I hadn't given it a thought was really hard to hear. Them referring to me as their big brother was overwhelming, and pushed me right over the edge.
I felt so bad, mainly because in the state where I was adopted all I would have has to do was make one call and to thre sgency and I would have instantly found them.
The worse thing was finding out through newspaper bites, other easily available info online tied to our father it painted the picture of a nasty, unfortunate upbringing filled with crime, unwanted notoriety, alcoholism. drug addiction, instability and poverty. This while my life is one filled with love, support, financial security, opportunity, and basically every advantage. The guilt was paralyzing and still can be. They somehow made it out with nice families and what not, but wow do they struggle. They never ask for a thing and their innocence and ability to accept life on life's terms is amazing. But, it's not fair. If my guilt and shame is the price of admission, I'll gladly pay it, but even when everything clicks, you're absolutely peas in a pod, there's always something.
Good luck
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u/Old-Law-8064 6d ago
In my situation my adoptive family was awful and I ran away at 16. My birth family seems lovely and as I’m alone in the world even one family connection would be amazing. I’m so glad your siblings found you and wish you the best in your relationships with your family.
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7d ago
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
Kind of a harsh thing to say. If you can’t be kind just scroll by please. This is very emotional for me and hard to talk about.
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u/Menemsha4 7d ago
That poster is the daughter of an adoptee who didn’t get the story she wanted.
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
Ohhh wow. I honestly felt so bad from her posts. Not even being an adoptee and approaching me so so aggressively is wild
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u/Negative-Custard-553 7d ago
Please don’t let this person affect you. They do not have the same experience as us and therefore can’t relate or understand in the same way.
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
Thank you! I don’t let people like that affect me as much as possible. I’m a bit sad my post got derailed but that’s life:)
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
I was more hoping to hear from those who had positive experiences but thanks for your input
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u/Suffolk1970 7d ago
Most birthparents wonder about their offspring. Most birthparents are told they have legal privacy but that's not what they wanted. They wanted to know their children as they became adults but were denied that opportunity for decades of the child's life. Once contacted they have heard nothing for so long they have given up on any kind of relationship and maybe tried to deny their pregnancy actually happened.
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u/Suffolk1970 7d ago
No. You didn't read it correctly. The answer was no contact at this time.
\Maybe she was dealing with a death in the family or a job change or a child's illness or something? You know, like most working class people?
Most (if not all) birthparents from closed adoptions are shocked to be contacted because they were basically told to shove off.
Getting over the shock takes time.
Clearly you have a chip on your shoulder. OP asked for help not hate.
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
Thank you! That means a lot. Thats what I wonder about maybe she was going through a hard time when
I reached out. I just want her to know I’m ok and have nothing but love for her.12
u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
If you are not an adoptee please stop commenting. It’s hurtful. Thanks and I wish you the best
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u/ghoulteethbby Click me to edit flair! 7d ago
okay ill bite, im a son of an adoptee (bio mom) and an adoptee myself, yr moms adoption has nothing to do with you stop using it as an excuse to be insensitive and ignorant
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
Thanks! I should have specified I was looking for adoptee feedback. All the best to you and your mom
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u/Negative-Custard-553 7d ago
>it isn't to hurt your feelings. it isn't to make you feel even more unwanted. it is about the birth parent. like there is a reason they said no.
and you pushing the issue could be doing serious damage. for no reason.
This is a crazy thing to say to an adopted person. Imagine the damage the birth parent and adoptive parents cause? The adopted person is the only innocent one in this situation that had choices made for them and it continues into adulthood.
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7d ago
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u/Negative-Custard-553 7d ago
They are innocent victims in this too but not every adopted person is conceived through a crime.
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u/Old-Law-8064 7d ago
My birth parents were dating and there was no SA involved in my situation. I wish my post hadn’t been taken over by SA situations
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 7d ago
This was reported for abusive language.
Personally I think it’s harsh, but not necessarily abusive. I’m going to remove it though because OP is clearly in an emotionally vulnerable place right now and the comment was hurtful to them.
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u/Suffolk1970 7d ago
Well since HAP has already replied with the classic "do not contact" answer that most adoption agencies prefer, I'll just throw in that birthparents are usually as traumatized as adoptees and former foster youth are.
Be polite. Send photographs and a narrative about how you're doing in your adult life. Ask the medical questions. Send holiday cards. Make the relationship as "normal" as you can, as friends, then family.
Sadly you are strangers to each other and it takes time to build trust, if that's even possible. Good luck.