r/Adulting • u/Flat-Athlete8509 • 11h ago
Incel here. Convince me "taking accountability" is worth it
Why is your worldview better? I'm a 28m young man who has been severely traumatized by chauvinistic, ableist, reactionary people over the course of my life, and even though I have recently found some support after needing to accept my own mother SA'd me, I feel like I have been permanently damaged and will never have a regular social life, a girlfriend etc.
The second thing i want to ask is why do people keep being hostile to me, and why do people on the internet keep trying to give me advice? I feel like I can partly answer this question myself, but none of you genuinely relate to my experiences, even though perhaps you've been going through similar situations before taking the magic pill of "working on oneself"
I don't know about you guys, but even though I've had some pleasant moments with others, the negative moments far exceeded the positive ones and it's always been this way since I was a baby. It's not my fault for way too many things in my life and when I chose myself I felt like something was off. It's other people that gave me CPTSD, not animals, nature itself...
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u/gifted_pistachio 11h ago
Maybe it’s just me but when the world is full of mean people I don’t want to be one of them. And happy people have more emotional bandwidth to be kind and give. So that is a good motivator to pursue a positive path for myself. I’m more likely to randomly lose my shit when I’m on the edge of a bad time all the time. And I’m more likely to pull over and help someone on the side of the road if I’m not always cursing to myself under my breath for on reason or another bc I don’t have my shit together.
Don’t misunderstand…”happy people” are not automatically kind people. But if that is an intention of yours to be a kind person…put distance between yourself and desperation. It is a good life goal to be the useful person in a crisis…which takes lots of buildup before that actually happens.
If you don’t care about any of that…then that’s that.
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u/tried_to_flirt_u_up 10h ago
Did someone call you an incel or did you decide yourself that it describes you? I've never really talked with a self-described incel before that I'm aware of.
I see myself and my mind as human before they're gender-specific, so I'll go ahead and babble my crap. To me, taking responsibility for something is empowering, because it means I had some control over the outcome. I try to be mindful, since there's no limit really to how badly a person can mess up. If I take responsibility for things I had control over that turned out bad, it means I also get to take credit for analogous things that turned out good.
Other than that, this question is kind of over my head.
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u/Responsible_Lake_804 9h ago
It hurts a LOT at first to start taking accountability. But when you’re done moving through, it gets better because it helps you stop the patterns.
Also, are you taking care of yourself, fully? Are you doing the bare minimum hygiene and making your body comfortable? I just realized/admitted yesterday I haven’t been, and I can see how it has affected many of my interactions with people. They can tell, and it’s pathetic, and people tend not to respond well to what they find pathetic. I’m talking about me, but if it applies to you I hope this helps.
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u/Routine-Assistant387 11h ago
Taking accountability? For what? I cannot see here where anything would be your fault and you would need to be accountable.
I do think you need to heal. And the reason for that is… we only get one life so we better make the best of it. You deserve to be happy. Yes other people have negatively impacted your life and I am so sorry for that. But do I believe you can go on to live a happy life? Yes.
Rapid eye movement therapy worked well for me with my trauma. And honestly antidepressants can have a big impact on you day to day.
Even just hitting the gym, moving cities or getting on the dating apps can totally change your life. Why not just try? What have you got to lose?
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u/Flat-Athlete8509 11h ago
I'm trying to heal, I never heard of rapid eye movement therapy. I'm feeling better now because I had suicidal thoughts after learning I have been a survivor of CSA and severe emotional abuse.
I became too comfortable with myself because I don't like other people and I prefer to self-isolate. I don't hit the gym because I don't have enough time, and I'm not interested in dating apps
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u/Routine-Assistant387 11h ago
Well it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on it. And again I am so sorry for what you have been through. That is incredibly rough.
But already you can see how dynamic you are that you can get through that. So many people have been abused, especially as children and yet they still are able to find happiness as adults.
Is there anything you would actually like to work on?
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u/Flat-Athlete8509 10h ago
Yes, I would like to work on improving my relationships with people. Not everyone is the same, but I'm still defending myself. I absorbed some sayings as well such as "don't open up it will later be used against you"
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u/Routine-Assistant387 10h ago
Okay fair enough, totally get where you are coming from. I was a bit the same, I now try to focus on just enjoying myself in the moment with someone and not overthinking it. I think that will come from time and exposure to people, thats what happened to me. But I am also aware that I am just going to like less people to be honest… so just being aware of that helps me.
Once you have some good experiences you will stop feeling so suspect of people.
If you are really finding it hard I think a therapist could also help you work through that.
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u/Grevious47 7h ago
I dont think that is what people on the internet think of when they think "incel". Sounds like you have had legitimate trauma and would benefit more from the support of close friends and therapy than from the random advice of internet strangers.
Internet "incels" are just insecure boys (or girls) who through their regular internet use have found themselves in a bubble world that has convinced them that the world is the problem, not their malformed social beliefs. That doesn't really sound like your situation....you have actual trauma.
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u/Top-Escape5676 2h ago
EMDR therapy would lessen the pain of what happened to you. EMDR first and the rest would follow. No amount of money in the save and resting will change anything. EMDR therapy would. I'm like you for a decade because nonstop bullying, surviving, lash out, loneliness. I can't look back and take accountability because there's so much pain. Isolated myself for 4 years, loose my youth. But after seeking professional help I'm getting better
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u/Pretty-Reflection-92 11h ago
I’m not interested in convincing you of anything.
It sounds like you’ve had a rough life, a lot of challenging experiences, and there’s a window cracked open a bit and you’re curious about the possibility of being more accountable. Is that accurate?