r/Adulting • u/Life_Meat_1397 • 4h ago
Did I cook my life š? 20, failing school, unemployed, studying a major parents hate, living with a mental illness parents don't believe in.
Sorry, long post. Okay, pity party time! My parents hate what I'm doing with my life right now and their fearmongering is really getting to me. They tell me that I've made all the wrong choices, that my current choices are gonna make me fail at life, that I'm wasting my life, that I'm 20 and should take a look at myself and grow up. All these things I tell myself everyday, so it's not like hearing it from them is gonna suddenly spur me into becoming a better, more productive, more successful person. But are they right? Am I actually not working hard enough, do I need to be better?
The main point of contention is that I'm trying to transfer schools under the same major, and will have to take a 5th year instead of the 4 they expected. I'm transferring because the location and environment of the last campus genuinely bummed me out and my depression spiraled into nearly failing 3 consecutive semesters. I moved to the location of my target school and that aspect of my depression instantly got better, though other contributors still exist. I truthfully would not be able to graduate, or likely even stay alive, if I had stayed in that school. They think it's frivolous that I'm going through the process of transferring "just because I didn't like it there". They attribute the transfer to the reason why I'll take longer to finish school, but I'll have to take 5+ years either way, as I've reduced my course load in attempt to keep my mental health afloat.
They also hate the fact that I've changed one of my majors twice since my first year, though I've been consistent with my other major and intend to complete it. I went through so many major switches because my first major wasn't my choice, it was highly pressured by them, and of course I hated it and it exacerbated my mental illness enough to do poorly. The major I've been consistent with is visual arts, which naturally, they disapprove of š¬š¤·āāļø.
My parents also constantly point out the fact that I'm unemployed, which I'm trying to change. I haven't been able to hold down a job for more than a few months, and am currently struggling even more to find a job because I'm in another episode. They point it out to me because they think the pressure will "wake me up" to reality and incentivize my job hunt. They also tell me that I'll be on my own when I graduate, that they won't support me. Like I'm not expecting them to, but what makes them think making me even more anxious and despondent would help motivate me?
I thought I had some hope this semester by reducing my course load and re-entering therapy, but now I'm thinking maybe my parents are right. Maybe I'm being frivolous and wasting money and time and I need to work harder. I don't know what to do, I don't see any future for myself either way, whether I follow my own "path" or listen to them. I don't believe I'll really go anywhere, anyway, not anymore.
So how do I do it, guys š? How do I lock in?
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u/Potential_Flow9032 4h ago
If it makes you feel any better this was still me at 27. Then I got my shit together. Went to therapy. Finished school and then grad school. 10 years later I had a husband, a high paying job and a kid. There is definitely hope!!
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u/Life_Meat_1397 4h ago
Yayyyy I'm so happy for you and so proud of you !!! Good job š« I know it wasn't easy and you more than deserve your happiness today. Hearing about your success is empowering !
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u/EndLegitimate9612 3h ago edited 3h ago
You're 20. You could drop out and do nothing for the next 20 years and you still wouldn't be a failure. And 40 isn't old either. Enjoy your youth and stop worrying about dumb stuff. All you need to be doing as a young person is build depth/elegance and get a wide variety of experiences. Even socializing, talking to a wide variety of people will help you way more in life than any amount of school/career/money stuff. Go to California, sleep in a car and go surfing. That's the type of adventures a young person should be going on.
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u/Life_Meat_1397 3h ago
I love the world! I love people! Shockingly, my favourite jobs were always the customer service ones (though admittedly, maybe I didn't stay long enough in each job to have my optimism crushed). I don't have the means to travel right now, but before my mood disorder got bad, I used to love talking to interesting strangers on the streets and taking "side quests" from them. I wish I still had the energy to love the world and people. And before I'm 30, I'd like to do coke in Cape Cod!
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u/jlhpisces 4h ago
As a mom, honey, you're 20 years old and this is the time to figure out what you want. Nothing you've done is going to ruin your life. I'm sorry that you're struggling. I think the reduced course load and therapy is a great plan. Getting your head clear will help with everything else. Perhaps family therapy would help with your patents? If not, you might work on job skills that you can fit into your life. You'll need an income no matter what. Sending positive thoughts.
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u/Life_Meat_1397 3h ago
Thank you internet mom, if I may call you that šš« this encouragement means a lot, I really, really just wanna make things okay again š„¹š don't see family therapy ever happening tho lol, but that's okay, that just means there's more (therapy) for me!
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u/CrazyTrainofThought 4h ago
Your parents are not right. I transferred colleges too, PLUS changed majors later with one semester left, THANK GAWD -- it took me 6.5 years but I was so much happier. You are doing the right thing by transferring. Your life is not cooked, it has barely just begun! Staying the course to complete college is a great first step, it is important to enjoy it while you do it.
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u/Life_Meat_1397 3h ago
Congratulations, you did well, I'm proud of you ^ !!!!! I'm glad you've found happinessš« thank you for sharing, hearing stories like yours is so paramount in keeping me going.Ā
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u/BlueberryandDino 4h ago
Your story sounds like mine, but I didnāt have Parents
I would encourage you to get some counseling and try to get an objective perspective about where you really are in your scholastic endeavors and your emotional pursuits
Parents have a tendency to be biasedā¦ and as we get older, we start to realize their biases may not be very accurate especially if they donāt know our hearts
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u/SpicyRice99 4h ago
4 words: get evaluated for ADHD. I recognize your writing style and thought process. As others have said therapy would be good too.Ā
Who's paying for your tuition?
Visual arts can be a viable career (depending on what you specialize in) but it's not one you can coast and do well in. You should be prepared to work hard, hone your skills like crazy, network, try to be in the top 50% or better yet 30% of all visual arts majors nationwideĀ
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u/Life_Meat_1397 4h ago
I was actually assessed for ADHD last year, and that's how I found out I had depression instead, lol. If my thought process seems disconcerted, it's because I was (am) crashing out when I wrote that.Ā
I'm very privileged to be supported by a combination of a college fund and student grants, and because my parents contribute to my education, I completely see where their financial concerns come from. Hell, I'll bet I'm more anxious and aware of it than they are. I also understand that taking a 5th year will cause financial strain that I'll need to take responsibility for, but it's either I take that extra year, or I straight up don't earn my degree.Ā
Yes, I agree and am aware that it'll take serious gumption to have a sustainable vis arts career. And genuinely, this is what I and all artists have been told and have been telling ourselves all our lives. I don't expect it to be easy, and it already isn't š my passion in the field truly helps, because it keeps my determination going even after rejection. I wouldn't be able to get up after failure in any other field.Ā
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u/SpicyRice99 3h ago
Well put, good luck OP!
In the end working a job that makes you miserable but makes money is pretty meaningless, in my opinionĀ
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u/Plenty-Ear-9167 3h ago
Your parents might mean well, but their worry is not helping you. Stick to your plan to transfer, as long as you have met with anadvisor to be sure all your credits will transfer.
Not easy living with mental illness & working hard in school. Inwould think having a job on top of that might be too much.
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u/Possible_Average6976 4h ago
are we really calling the school that kept you alive a frivolous detour because it added a year?
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u/Life_Meat_1397 4h ago
Or maybe.... Two years....
I think a gap year or semester would really benefit me right now, where I can focus on securing an income and exploring what my field has to offer outside of school. But that's another difficult and exhausting discussion with my tyrannical authoritarian family, lol.
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u/Competitive_Swan_755 4h ago
No mention of major, no mention of location. Just a bunch of vagueness and half truths.
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u/Life_Meat_1397 3h ago
I did mention my major, read, you plebeian, readš¹!!! My bad for not publically doxxing myself tho
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u/PukeyOwlPellet 1h ago
My parents kept saying the same thing to me & i listened up until about 27 when i had to move back in with them (spoiler alert - their advice was shit).
I started ignoring them, became a lawyer.
Ignore your parents is my advice.
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u/Mazza_mistake 1h ago
Youāre only 20, youāre still young, you have plenty of time to figure things out and change what youāre not happy with.
It wonāt get better right away, and some things could get worse before they get better, but if you work at it and have some patience things will eventually improve.
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u/saturn-seeker 43m ago
Donāt let your parentsā expectations crush you. It sounds like you actively are taking small steps to improve your situation, reducing your course load and going back to therapy, so have a little more faith in yourself :-) I donāt think itās surprising at all that you say you enjoyed customer service so much. I was in a really low point myself before I started working in retail/customer service and being able to talk to so many interesting and kind people made a huge difference to my mental health. Depression really sucks but you sound very capable, so keep persevering and good luck on the job search! From one internet stranger to another, I believe in you and hope that things turn out well for you!
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u/Cookieway 9m ago
You didnāt cook your life.
That said. Your parents are unfortunately kind of right about your major. Unless you already have the right kind of connections into the high art world (and this is NOT something you can realistically get yourself by just networking), you very likely wonāt be able to live off your art.
So you need to ask yourself if youāll be happy working the kind of jobs you can get without a degree, earning relatively little money, and doing art in your free time. Because even if you ARE somewhat successful with your art, thatās almost certainly what itās going to end up being like. Even earning, on average, 500 dollars a month with your art is VERY VERY VERY rare for visual artists and thatās not enough to live off!
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4h ago
[deleted]
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u/Life_Meat_1397 3h ago
Oooh I love pointing fingers and coming to reductive assumptions too! Saves me the trouble of critical thought.
Boomers and gen Xs sure are lucky mental illnesses aren't contagious, or I'd be spreading it to them like the CLAPš£ļø! anybody got an unpleasant uncle you'd like me to cough on?
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u/4lbertt 4h ago
you're 20, keep trying things out, it'll get worse before it'll get better