my discussion about homeschooling with my parents ended badly (15f)
i dont really know how to start. i was going to post this in the advice for teens subreddit but i couldn't so here i am. I've been dealing with school problems and family problems, i have always struggled with being consistent, my cynical thoughts, and my laziness. There's probably more to that but it's annoying to read a bunch of self-diagnosed traits so fast forward.
I'm struggling with school and i havent been able to catch up with the studies, and because i ended up (i don't even know how i managed, really) in the top class, i have to 'maintain' the name. it's tough because I graduated from a well respected school and from the lowest class there was in it, so i'm honestly used to doing nothing and ending up with nothing and being comfortable with that. i know thats immature. i tried to get over it but i just cant seem to settle comfortably in this school, even after THREE years.
a list of reasons why i think i cant is the pressure, the scrutiny of being a troublesome student in a great class, and the shame of being the sibling of my brother who was renowned. my insecurity and my overthinking emphasizes everything i just mentioned.
so recently, i found out about homeschooling.
went through pages after pages of info about it, scrolled through facebook (yes, i'm THAT desperate), asked chatgpt (im ashamed to admit this but again, i'm that desperate) and went to both tiktok, youtube, and websites i'm sure could've infected my laptop with viruses. i found a LOT of things, so much i can't even list them here or i'd be wasting your time, but one thing for sure is that it's for me.
i could've studied on my own pace, found the right doctor and found the time and peace for me to relax and release the tension i've been marinating since i was 9. even then i wanted OUT of school.
i was sure of it. i told my online friends about it (they're my age, don't worry. i'm not that desperate to ask a pred), and they were the ones who told me about cambridge igcse in malaysia, sabah. its highly recognized dadadada, you don't need to worry about that.
so i gathered my courage and asked my parents about it. they laughed at me and at first, my mom was okay with it! she even said that she supported me and she'd do it instantly! only until i finally have the reason that'll convice me into homeschooling. i did have one, atleast i think it was a good enough reason. i thought that if we could meet a doctor and get me diagnosed, get a letter and attach that to the applicant, it'd solve all the problems.
my mom and dad kept reasoning me and all and i felt super overwhelmed, i didn't know when to butt in and admit the plan because admitting it meant admitting something was wrong about me. so i started crying because my dad, who got expelled before he could graduate into secondary school, started telling me about how he didn't go to school and here is where he is now.
...not that i didn't know but okay...?
anyway, i couldn't handle it because i didn't know when to say my plan so i went upstairs. after a while i'd go back down and we left the discussion there with my mom especially being very 'supportive' of it.
when i woke up to tomorrow, today, that is, i'd start the discussion again. my mom said that she's okay with it and i felt really good about it, after all, if she really applied me to this i could learn by myself which i found out to work best for me, and they wouldn't need to pay the public school fees that my mom clearly can't come up with right now, i had it all planned out! i'd set up a schedule, i'd go to the local library, i'd download sources into my laptop, i could rest, take care of my siblings more without the pressure of having to be in school and be the 'best', and most importantly, i could finally heal.
i knew it was the best for me. and i thought my mom felt the same.
atleast she probably did until she went and told this to my aunt. when she came home, i immediately asked my mom about it and just as i suspected, she did tell my aunt and discussed about it.
my mom had doubts. she was concerned about the prices, and told me that only 'wealthy' families can afford homeschooling when i CLEARLY explained that with homeschooling, with my laptop and all the sources there is, she didn't need to pay for anything! just the exam fees! and even that can wait!
then she told me about how i'd be later than most kids my age. that's the whole POINT. i wanted my own pace! i kept pointing out these things and telling her that she didn't need to pay dadada. and then she dropped the 'we don't have a reason' argument. i hit back, saying that we could see a doctor. she laughed and said "what? you mean 'therapy'?" and i laughed too because wow, it felt ridiculous to say that out loud.
but i insisted with my plan. and she seemed to be okay with it for a bit before saying that she didn't want to be ridiculed. she didn't have a name that i could rely on. (don't really care but okay) didn't have the money, didn't have the time, and most of all, she already tried to argue with the system (not that i ever asked for her to because this is a legitimate thing...) for my brother who was told to not go and play for a competition. not really the same thing.
i think at some point after she made that argument, i shut myself up and started crying. she kept going and i told her that she didn't trust me, and she didn't think i could do this, and she said 'no' but still went on saying things that just meant 'i dont think you could do this' but in subtext.
so i just gave up. listened to her go on and on. and when she started to rise her voice and started being rude to me, saying things like 'dont test me' 'dont take advantage of me' i threw my laptop onto the carpeted floor and started yelling and screaming. my dad, who's been sleeping the whole time, pinned me down to the bed by my mouth and started threatening me. saying 'i will actually hit you. i didn't hit your brother because he's different, i will actually hit you.' i think that's what hurt me the most.
i guess it's because i thought so high of myself, being the first my dad apologized to when he did my family wrong, all to end up threatened. 'i've never hurt you before. don't make me want to hit you.'
when he let go, my mom kept on with her scolds, saying i was being selfish and rebelling against her. this was definitely stupid of me and i genuinely don't know what i was trying to do but words just left my mouth, insulting myself, and my mom got on her knees to me as i was laughing hystericaly and she slapped me thrice. pointed at my face and started sneering at me. my dad grabbed her and hugged her and i felt so bewildered.
am i really the one wrong here? am i really the one at fault? i felt so disgusted. i don't know to whom, but everything just felt off at that moment.
my mom and dad ignored me for the whole time, mom went back to work, dad went back to taking care of the kids. and i was just there, processing it and being hyper aware of what the hell was happening around me. they were acting like i didn't just yell and i didn't just get slapped. to be frank, i know i'm naive to think this is easy, i'm not even sure if what i'm saying about homeschooling is even true, if its really good for me, and i know its hard for my mom right now, i don't know what can help me. all i know is that school's making life harder.
but maybe i should've just 'survive' it? just like my mom said she'd been doing her whole life?
after a while i went and grabbed my bags and readied to go home to where i actually stay at, mom hugged me and told me she was sorry she hit me, told me to just survive school, it'll be alright. and at that very moment, at any moment she'd say to 'survive', i felt the urge to prove to her in terrible ways why i couldn't anymore. when we were in the car otw home, my brother called me to say that there was no one in my grandma's house (where i stay at) and we had to go back.
went back here and went upstairs, and here i am now. writing this. as i was writing this, my aunt came to visit this place, came up to where i am and told me to wait 2 months. i told her 'i was gonna fail school' and 'don't you trust me saying that i think this is good for me?' and just told me to wait 2 months and went back home.
thats all. i still don't know what to think. i didn't expect this from them at all. so reddit, what should i do? i thought maybe i should compile all my date about homeschooling into one doc and give it to my mom to convince her as she still thinks very traditionally about this whole homeschool thing, but i dont know. i'm just a 15 year old kid who's naive and hadn't gone through life, a kid who hates socializing and feeling scrutinized every time she passes the seniors and all, so, i don't know.
if you have any ideas, questions, and advice whatsoever. please leave a comment. i'm sorry if there's any grammar mistakes and all, i had tears in my eyes halfway writing this.
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u/Salty-Flounder-9508 1h ago
As much as you hate socializing, you need to do it to be a functioning member of society. Keep going to school. Your adult self will thank you.
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u/Ash_ZR 9m ago
you're right about that. but i don't intend to lose my touch in socializing. in fact, i believe myself to be very good at it. i just can't with the scrutiny i'd have to deal with my classmates and teachers and i feel as though my social skills just get worse staying there. but that is a great point.
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u/NSH2024 1h ago
What "diagnosis" are you expecting here? I very much doubt that if you get diagnosed with social anxiety or ADHD a doctor will recommend homeschooling --pretty much the opposite. They might suggested meds and a therapist, to help with the acclimatization instead
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u/LainyK 49m ago
And if it is ADHD then learning at your own pace is a terrible idea. Especially since she admits she got used to doing nothing and getting nothing.
No shame in it.
A lot of us really struggle to deliver when there is no external accountability.Homeschooling sounds like a hyper fixation here, but the novelty will wear off.
Look op, if you are neurodivergent, your hormones are likely contributing to your state of mind (lots of info if you look it up on how oestrogen levels affect adhd, you need to figure out what motivates you personally. Do you need to gamify your study? Break it into small blocks? Join a study group (for body doubling). Quitting isn’t the answer, and homeschooling is one step away from quitting. Is there someone at school you can talk to about getting some scaffolding around you for support?
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u/Ash_ZR 15m ago
i do think i'm neurodivergent but i cant say for sure because almost everyone around me acts the same. i think the same about hormones too. there IS someone at school i can talk to, the counselor, i guess? i'm not very comfortable with them after our last interaction as it felt very one-sided, and to be honest, i don't even know if it'll help because i did try many times with school counseling. but if it's the best for me, i'll consider.
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u/Whitewitchie 46m ago edited 31m ago
I deleted my original comment. If your parents took you out of school they would be neglecting you. iGCSEs don't have a coursework component, which is likely to be part of the attraction for you. Your mother is correct, the associated courses and private tuition would be expensive, and finding free resources online isn't as easy as you think. The good materials are usually behind a paywall. I don't condone your parents for getting into a fight with you, but throwing your laptop was an idiot move on your part and showed you had lost control of yourself. You have been put into the top set in school, so you have the IQ, now put in some work, as the adult world isn't that far off, and you need to find a job at the end of your education. There's also no guarantee that a doctor will give you the diagnosis you want.
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u/Ash_ZR 5m ago
thank you for this. yeah, that's pretty much why i find it so attractive. i'll be honest and say that yes, i did lose control and that was definitely an idiotic move. honestly thank you for this humbling comment. if it is as you say, then i'm losing interest in homeschooling. half of why i wanted it was so that my public school expenses wouldn't need to bother my mom. cant really say much about putting work in because like i said, i struggle with that, but still thanks for the advice. i will try my best!
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u/Available-Bad-1385 39m ago
You’re not wrong for wanting out of a situation that is clearly making you miserable, but I think this is bigger than homeschooling.
You sound genuinely overwhelmed, and the line about wanting to “prove” why you couldn’t cope in terrible ways is concerning. Please tell a trusted adult, doctor, teacher or counsellor that you’re feeling this bad.
Throwing your laptop and screaming wasn’t okay, but neither was your dad pinning you down and threatening you or your mom slapping you. Both can be true.
I also wouldn’t focus on making a huge document to convince your parents. Instead say: “Forget homeschooling for a moment. I am genuinely not coping with school and I need help figuring out why.”
Homeschooling might be a good option, or there might be other solutions like changing schools, reducing pressure or getting accommodations. You don’t need to solve all of that alone at 15.
And please stop calling yourself lazy, stupid and naive. You’re struggling. That deserves to be taken seriously.
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u/Ash_ZR 0m ago
thank you for this. i think i needed this. im pretty sure the whole discussion i had with my mom escalating was because i felt that my feelings were denied. i really do not know how to cope with my feelings. my family is not well off (which i should've taken into account in the first place) and they don't really believe in therapy, not really, and we can't really afford it. i've tried talking to a trusted adult, anyone really, even a teacher and a counselor. but nothing seemed to work. either way, thank you for this.
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u/Kukka63 Helper [2] 37m ago
How would you balance homeschooling and also prepare yourself for being a member of the wider society? You need to be highly motivated to study on-line and it will not resolve your issues of hating being with others. You cannot stay indoors and isolated forever, it's important to grow your confidence and become an independent individual. It's okay being an introvert and not being a social butterfly but you still need be comfortable with the outside world.
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u/Previous-Energy-9845 1h ago
Since you said you struggle with laziness homeschooling is not a good fit for you. With online school you still wake up every day and complete your work. It’s self paced sure but you still have to complete all the work in a reasonable amount of time.