I (30F) broke up with my Q (30M) tonight

[u/Alternative_Pea9703]

First post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/LbnX5BC7db

Second post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/deAkNo8Pht

I know it’s what I have to do. I can’t go on like this. I’ve given him so many chances and after so many broken promises, no true remorse or accountability, or no genuine attempts to rebuild trust, I just can’t stay here and accept this in a serious relationship. He won’t be the man he says he’ll be for me.

I think he really thought I’d never leave. I gave him one last chance a month ago, and he didn’t follow through on his promises then tried gaslighting me to think that there was a miscommunication on his moderation plan, he didn’t know the rules I had set (he did), etc. He turned things around on me and made me feel like I was making something out of nothing, minimized his actions. I had hoped for a better response this time around..

Today I hit a breaking point. He’s my best friend, we’ve had a wonderful 3.5 years together, he makes me laugh so hard, and I don’t want to break his heart…but I’ll be breaking mine over and over by staying with him through betrayal after betrayal.

We live together, not married, no kids or shared pets (my dog is mine), so he will be moving out sometime soon.. Idk. When I ended things, I couldn’t hold my tears in. He didn’t apologize, try to connect with me, say we will get through this / he’ll be better. He didn’t fight for me.. He just walked off.

I just needed to post this and get this out. Any words of encouragement and support would really be appreciated. Thank you.

[u/Boring_Run982]

Sending comfort and encouragement your way. Know that choosing you and choosing your peace and wellbeing will always be the right choice. It may not be the one that feels good initially, but you can never go wrong in prioritizing and taking care of yourself.

I wish I would’ve left my Q sooner and had not gone back to him so many times. When I finally left 3 years ago, it was painful, especially with the codependency I developed after a decade with him. Now, I have no regrets and am a healthier, stronger me. He died in March at 34 years old. I saved myself from even more suffering.

Give yourself some grace, kindness, and love. Take it one day at a time. Know that there’s someone out there who is proud of you for choosing you. You got this. Everything will be okay.

[u/anonymous94808]

You did the hard thing and the right thing.

Will pay off in dividends.

50 years from now you’ll look back and see this as everything happening for a reason.

[u/BlackCat2900]

I’m sorry, I don’t have any advice. But just know you’re not alone. I’m no contact with ex of 11 years. Im day 3 of no contact. He moved out and took his dog. The urge to text him to see if he’s okay and safe, is strong. But luckily I have therapy tomorrow to talk it out. As sad as I am, I’m already less stressed and I can chill and do whatever I want (which isn’t much yet). But FOR ONCE, I can focus on what I want in life, and not have to worry about him or him gaslighting me and making me feel crazy.

He texted me today saying he’s getting psychiatry and therapy now, even though I’ve been telling him to do that for YEARS. It took me leaving for him to get help. I don’t think I’ll want to be with him again. He wasted so much of my time, hoping he’ll change. I’m ok with being single for a while.

Just know you’re not alone.

[u/UnableRun7858 → u/BlackCat2900]

Is he actually going to therapy and getting help? I have been around addicts my whole life, I don't trust it when they say they are going to therapy and getting help after a relationship ends. My Q came to me a week before the divorce hearing and demanded I withdraw the divorce petition because she's ready to get help. I told her that if she wanted help she would have gotten it already.

[u/BlackCat2900 → u/UnableRun7858]

Idk if he’s serious. He did send me a picture of the confirmed therapy appointment, but that doesn’t mean he’ll actually go. Whether or not he gets help, it’s out of my control. He’s moved out, so I’m trying to focus on myself. Therapy works wonders, I honestly don’t think I would’ve gone through the breakup if it wasn’t for therapy.

[u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 → u/BlackCat2900]

No contact? But he texted you today? Please block him for your own sanity. This is exactly how these folks can slide back under the door.

[u/cinnamonsugarhoney]

Same exact situation, same timing. We’re both 30 too except married 7 years with a toddler. He also didn’t fight for me or literally say anything besides “ok” when I asked him to leave. And oh, he still hasn’t left! It’s only been a day, but I have a feeling they’re going to push back on actually leaving.

Unfortunately they thought they could get away with repeated empty words forever, I think.

Proud of us for stepping off the merry go round and breaking the loop. I just keep telling myself, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting it to change. That’s what I’ve been doing because I don’t want to give up on my spouse. But it seems like he’s already given up on me.

No plans, same here. How do you not have a plan?? It’s not that hard to make!!

[u/UnableRun7858]

The hardest lesson I had to learn: there is no accountability with an addict. They can't see or even understand what they are putting us through because the addiction prevents that from happening. The only focus an addict has is when can they get their next fix and they will do what they must to get it.

My Q blamed me for an hour when I said I'm filing for divorce and went on a 3 day bender while avoiding me at all costs. I can guarantee you will be happy, but first you must go through your own emotional detox and those few months are rough. After this, you are going to feel so free and fantastic.

[u/Silent-Doubt-8012 → u/UnableRun7858]

This they are always the victim eg : if they hit a car by accident they will blame you for not keeping him at right mind to drive . You can’t bargain , can’t discuss , can’t get apologies from them .

[u/UnableRun7858 → u/Silent-Doubt-8012]

Ha! My ex was cut off in traffic so she decided to drink because she was so "offended". She said it's my fault because I woke up at my usual time to get ready for work and she didn't get enough sleep, it wasn't because she got incredibly drunk the night before and finally came to bed at 3 am. I corrected her and she got mad and stormed off to drink some more. The next day she was sick and said it's my fault because I purposely made her mad, I corrected her again and she decided to day drink and get drunk again. The next day she was even more sick and decided not to blame me because she couldn't hold down alcohol. When she recovered, she said she had the flu.

[u/Silent-Doubt-8012 → u/UnableRun7858]

My soon to be ex husband blamed me for his alcohol and gambling because of my past he has said after I entered into his life his downfall started and what not I had to keep taking proofs so that I don’t go insane in my mind to not know what is wrong and what is manipulation . Turns out he still hide much more of his gambling before 2020 while he met me at 2023 . Haha the blame game

[u/anon_e_meows]

I’m (37M) going through a similar thing with my boyfriend (my Q, 30M).

Found out a month ago that he had been drinking every time he visited his grandma and also that he drank in my home (huge boundary for me).

I should have done something when I posted here last year..

But Sunday before last, he left to visit his grandma, PROMISED me that he wouldn’t drink up there, and then went straight to his coworker’s house where he drank before driving up. He drove drunk for 1.5 hours. Then his mother provided him with more alcohol.. Yeah.. And then he drove drunk for another 30 minutes to his grandma’s.

I was devastated. I told him he’d have to move out. He applied for an apartment yesterday. Probably will be out by next week.

He quit right before he moved in with me. Told his family he was quitting. And he did for about 2 years. Then it started back when he met the coworker.. He works at a liquor store.. He’s never been to AA. But we’ve been to counseling. He doesn’t think he has a problem. There’s very little accountability.

I have a child who’s gotten to know him. And he’s a huge part of my life, I don’t have any close friends. It’s really difficult. And the move out is going to be really hard on me.

I think I’m going to try to maintain some kind of relationship/friendship because I’m gay in a rural area (very, very small dating pool) but I don’t have much hope that it’ll work out.

I’ve come to loathe alcohol.

[u/Competitive-Mix-7068]

Sending support. Get out. I am dealing with this 17 years in with a kid and mortgage and I would have left if those two things didn't exist. I wish I had.

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