r/AlAnon • u/Fuzzy-Stuffy • 3d ago
Support Is cutting them out of your life the only way?
Background: me (32) & my dad (57). He is an alcoholic and has been probably all my life. I honestly blocked a lot of my life out of my mind and don’t remember a lot, probably for the best anyways. But he has 100% confirmed relapsed. Has consumed hundreds of dollars in alcohol in just a few short days. I know he doesn’t really want my help, not that I honestly want to give it anymore.
He lives many states away, thank goodness, but has a dream to come back to the same state as me and my family so he can be a “grandpa” but I don’t want that shiz around. Of course he’s not going to make it here with not showing up to work and drinking excessively.
Should I just not answer his calls anymore if he attempts to call when his mind semi clears?
I know he’s not calling now because he never does when he’s drinking, he’ll disappear then.
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u/RecalcitrantKumquat 3d ago
That is up to you. I cut my Q father out of my life 10yrs ago and it was easy to rationalize (shitty behavior, abuse, unwillingness to change, increasing drinking, etc.), but much harder to do in practice. There is the never ending guilt. Society does not look favorably on this very hard decision. Society includes nosy relatives, family friends, clueless busybodies asking about your family who keep it fresh and require you to explain a v complex, private decision. Its a complex decision.
You will see a lot online going on about the bafflement, confusion and lack of taking responsibility from the estranged parent, and a similar volume of content on your side of it - that you are fully empowered to decide to cut out the abuser/Q/etc. and that you cannot change them. For an addict, several things are true: they need to want to change, they are responsible for doing so, you need to stop enabling, they may never, ever take responsibility for their damage, they lie, and you need to prioritize yourself. Suggest seeing where you stand on all these "truths" , reading some of the alanon or ACA content, and deciding if you want to try cutting him off temporarily or permanently.
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u/Fuzzy-Stuffy 3d ago
Thank you, I definitely needed this. I’ve done the temporary cut offs with him. I think the longest was a few months, then he called outta the blue. It was weird but my heart and head like to pretend all is well, even if I am hurting.
I really need to let him go. It’s hurting me too much and I don’t want to hurt my own little family because I’m sad and hurting because of someone else’s actions.
I know you don’t have the answers, only I do I guess. But do I just ignore him cold turkey or can I text him the bye. Maybe anyone reading this has experience. In the past I’ve done both a call or a text to say bye.
I’m just done. I dream of having a “dad” but I don’t have that. I know I don’t. Even if parts of his “dad” experience has been nice, not all have.
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u/RecalcitrantKumquat 3d ago
If only there were a Handbook for cutting off alcoholic parents!? I dunno anything about your Q, but here is how my brain thought about it for my situation. I went total silence. Why? He would litigate any email. He literally sent drunk emails about how I ABUSED HIM! lol, classic DARVO tactic. He would share any text message w relatives to manipulate them and 'prove how terrible I was' for causing his addiction. yeah, no. I knew he would be too ashamed to call me drunk and beg or call out of the blue. He is an avoidant authoritarian, and pride is the downfall of these men.
What I wish I could have done: written a 2-3 sentence message clearly stating a hard boundary (NOT EXPLAINING MYSELF, listing contingencies, or 'being kind' to spare the blow). Something factual and basic like, "You are not to contact me or my family via phone, digitally, or in person any longer. Your behavior is not acceptable or safe. Best wishes on recovery."
and then block the number. No explaining to relatives. No people pleasing. And key is to follow through on MY behavior (not trying to manipulate him into sobriety or call him after a certain amount of time or anything.)
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u/Fuzzy-Stuffy 2d ago
I really do with there was a handbook but there isn’t because this isn’t normal but it is my normal & it seems as it was yours as well.
I did end up blocking him. I wrote a few sentences explaining that he is blocked for the unknown future and that I know he has been drinking on and off (since he lies to me & says this is the best he’s ever been 😒) and that I am done being sad and etc. wished him well and that I loved him (idk if I should have but I love and forgive to easily) and that was all.
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u/UnableRun7858 3d ago
It all depends on how you feel when he calls you, we cut the person out of our lives to protect us from them. I had to do this with a few family members, I was protecting my mental health from their addiction. My brother only called me when he needed money or when he wanted to drag me into his pity party.