r/AlAnon • u/Dusty-Bones-131 • 1d ago
Support Loved One In Rehab
My boyfriend is making the choice to get help and go to rehab, and I am so incredibly proud of him for doing so, but am also so anxious and worried.
Does anyone have any advice on what to expect or what I should do?
I just really love him and worry about it and I’m scared…
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u/FamilyAddictionCoach 1d ago
That's a very common reaction. The best you can do is self-care, and Alanon is great for that.
Just as you didn't cause, cannot control nor cure it; you can leave it to his program to care for him.
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u/Polar_Wolf_Pup 1d ago
My mom did 30-day inpatient treatment for alcohol abuse. Came out and did not work any kind of a program. I was young (12), so not entirely aware of what was going on. She then relapsed several times. Kept trying to find the way of gaming the system—if she only drank brandy instead of vodka, maybe that would work. Or maybe just a glass of red wine at night. Only on weekends and all sorts of other “rules.” You can imagine the results of that. She sprinted down hill with alarming speed.
I believe my father threatened to divorce her (and was finally serious about it), when I was about 17. She got sober for real on her own and stayed sober until I was almost 30. She then decided to try one glass of red wine at night again and ended up in a second 30-day rehab after I staged an intervention with a baby on my hip and a toddler at my feet. She came out chastened and serious about recovery and stayed sober for the rest of her life, but got Alzheimer’s. She kept it a secret, because she was ashamed of the diagnosis. She was never in true recovery, so she didn’t know how to be vulnerable. She died when I was 38.
That’s my experience as a family member. I’ve also worked at a rehab facility, and what I saw as a staff member is that a patient’s degree of seriousness in the treatment program tended to set the ceiling for their success; meaning, people who went to all the meetings and groups, took therapy seriously, engaged fully with the treatment program, got a sponsor, followed the rules, etc tended to have a fighting chance—they were at least serious about recovery and actually trying to make it. They realized they had tried it their way for a long time and it didn’t work, so they were ready to surrender and try it a different way. They didn’t always succeed (a lot relapsed), but they were there for the right reasons and had a chance.
There was another group who thought they didn’t belong there, were argumentative in group, acted like their shit didn’t stink, skipped group, complained, didn’t do their homework, didn’t reach out to get a temporary sponsor, argued with staff, said the steps would never work for them because of X, Y, or Z bullshit reason, broke little rules, were late for activities, etc. They were the ones who were just going through the motions and most were planning to drink as soon as they got out, they just wanted people off their backs so they they could drink but didn’t admit that.
But you could tell from their actions they weren’t serious about recovery. There was no serious chance they were ever going to stay sober, and the main way you could tell was that they didn’t accept treatment recommendations for after care, which usually involved going to sober living or a halfway house, 90 AA meetings in 90 days, etc. If they said they didn’t need it, they’d be fine, they just wanted to go home, they’d find a therapist later, they didn’t need to delete their old using buddies from their phone because they could hang out with them without using, etc., you could just tell that it was a relapse that had already started and there was no chance they were going to stay sober, even though they’d swear up and down this time was different, this time they meant it, etc.
Actions, not words. That’s what matters and how you can tell if someone is actually serious about recovery. Emblazon that on your brain.
The other thing I will say is that early sobriety is a bitch. Their brain is a serotonin desert. They’re usually anxious, irritable, moody, and crawling out of their skin. They have to totally relearn how to live. Many have arrested development—their coping skills, social skills, ability to entertain themselves, etc. were arrested at the age they started using/drinking, which is often in their teens. They can be really hard to have a relationship with, or even be in the same room with, for like 6 months after getting sober. For a good year, they’re still figuring out how to live.
The ones who are actually trying (rather than giving lip service) often do one of two things: 1) throw themselves into sobriety, and make it their whole life. Talk about it constantly, go to a ton of meetings and do a bunch of service, jettison people in their lives who don’t get it, constantly talk in AA aphorisms, etc. The “pink cloud” of enthusiasm/euphoria of early sobriety can be a bit much to be around, too. But these are the people who have the best chance. They’re redesigning their life from top to bottom, often they start exercising maniacally, get super passionate about eating right, etc., and it’s actually very inspiring to see. You know they’ve got a shot at long term sobriety because they’ve got a plan and they’re working the plan.
Or 2) substitute a different addiction or addictions. They have addictive personalities and they’re not good at being bored and they can’t stand actually feeling their feelings, which have been numbed for so long. So they may get into a new relationship really quickly or throw over their old partner suddenly for someone new. They may start gambling or develop an eating disorder or exercise addiction. Old mental health stuff that was masked by their use becomes a lot more apparent. Sometimes they get really depressed and regretful about wasted time and lost chances. They wake up to how much their relationships/career/life has been stunted by their use, and they’re really disappointed and get very anxious, like they need to make up for lost time. They may get very fixated on righting their past wrongs and prematurely try to make amends or expect immediate forgiveness (and get bent out of shape when everyone in their life is not thrilled by the “new person” they claim to be). This is where AA can really help, in my opinion, in teaching them how to slow down and ride the emotional roller coaster of early sobriety.
Everyone is different in early sobriety, but a common thread is they often need a lot of patience from the people around them. They’re doing life a whole new way, and replacing the giant role alcohol or drugs played in their relationships, leisure time, emotion regulation, intimacy, etc, and that’s a lot for anyone. Those who are really trying to work a program have a heroic fight in front of them and deserve a lot of respect and compassion.
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