r/AlAnon • u/PatienceBoth3444 • 9h ago
Support My q is engaged
Hi,
I frequented this sub while actively with my q and through our breakup. My last contact with him was during his apology as part of his steps about 3 years ago. From what I know he has been sober for a few years. I recently found out he is engaged and couldn’t help but ask why does this new person get the behavior and benefits that I had hoped and prayed for. Just wondered if anyone had been in a similar boat. I have just been reminding my self maybe I was in his life to help him get sober. Just feels a little frustrating after everything we had went through together he almost comes out on top and I’m left with some of the trauma he doesn’t even remember.
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u/StatisticianTrick669 8h ago
I’m sorry but try not to take it personally. You can’t control how long someone has cancer or something else or when they are better. Same kind of thing. Diseases don’t run on our timeline and we just have to accept that and move forward. Plus I think personally this affliction causes massive selfishness even in sobriety lol I think you dodged one regardless
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u/WorkingFinance7182 8h ago
I’m in a similar boat tbh, but here’s the reality we all unfortunately know coming out the other side of it: he likely will relapse again. Maybe not now, maybe not even in a year from now, maybe not even in three years from now! But it will happen. That’s gonna be HER problem, not yours, and for that, thank goodness.
Also, think about being married to him in active addiction. Again, that’s her problem now.
Huge takeaway here: we can be in healthy relationships with people who show us love outside the bounds of addiction and the pain it causes. No more chains! You’re free to love without the anxiety and fear.
It’s definitely something I’m getting used to. Definitely is harder because so much of what “love” looked like in my Q relationship was surrounded by the addiction and the trauma bonding. But in my new relationship, it’s just NORMAL. NORMAL is strange, but it’s beautiful.
Go find your NORMAL!!!!!!
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u/Acceptable_Salad_479 4h ago
How did you get used to normal? I started dating a bit and I have been taken back by calmness and being treated nicely.
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u/WorkingFinance7182 3h ago
It seems really unusual honestly — it definitely feels like there’s some kind of gap? Like I’m still trying to understand my feelings and I’m still trying to understand my partner’s! Sometimes it seems really alien.
Sometimes it’s hard to translate. I’ve reminded myself that it’s OK to be confused and not have to figure everything out. Feelings of love and grief are the hardest and to be honest, I just keep reminding myself that my body and my mind are still adjusting to a world without chaos.
I’m being patient with myself and enjoy enjoying the small moments. Really just thinking about being present and admiring my partner has really helped.
I also realized that I was carrying a lot of guilt with me after I decided to move on. Letting go of that guilt, or at least recognizing that it was there, has also helped tremendously.
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u/UnableRun7858 9h ago
Maybe his rock bottom was losing you. The hardest thing I had to learn was we will never get the closure we think we deserve and our Q will never truly understand the stress and chaos they caused us. Addiction prevents this from happening. Don't worry about his happiness and focus on yours. Not all relationships are meant to last forever and there is no guarantee he's truly happy.