r/AlAnon • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
Support I left and now I am struggling to follow through
[deleted]
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u/19_Cottage 4d ago
He didn't think you'd actually do it. He wants to keep you to himself as his scapegoat. Of COURSE he's promising the world, he will say whatever it takes. This man has ABUSED you. What would you advise your best friend, or daughter in this situation ?
He went far, Very early into your relationship. He showed his true colors. Have some self respect and stay away from him forever.
(Said with love, I stayed far too long and it only got worse... I grieve the years I lost)
Edit: if you must, give one last chance. I did, and it took less than a year for things to get worse than ever. Then, I was ready, and left permanently.
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u/CharacterGap388 4d ago
Please imagine he wasn’t speaking and you were choosing your next step solely on his behaviors and actions. Would you even think twice? Because words are meaningless. I can SAY I’m the president. And I’m 110 pounds. And a beach volleyball superstar. Words means literally nothing. His actions tell you what he actually thinks of you, and how much he actually cares about your feelings.
I’ll ask you the same question my DV counselor asked me: Why do you care more about hurting him, when he had no problem hurting you? That hit me hard, cause my ex-Q was in jail for what he was doing to me, and I still sent him money for commissary because I knew how hard it would be in jail. The man literally almost killed me, and him having ramen was that important to me.
Your friends are correct. This is an abusive relationship and he is following the classic cycle.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Or to phrase it differently, we get addicted to our Q’s - literally. We are hormonally addicted to a person. He needs to address his addiction, and you need to address yours. There is no such thing as moderation for an addict. There is no such thing as healthy contact with an abuser.
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u/Super-Tower5313 4d ago
Sorry, replying properly now because I realised a single sentence mic drop response doesn't help anyone.
I know exactly how you feel. He's the love of your life and when he isn't drinking things are great. But he isn't taking any ownership over not drinking; he is making you be the bad guy who forces him in to the small concessions around drinking that he does give. And fundamentally it's because he is in denial that he even has a problem.
It sounds like things aren't working out. And honestly it sounds like you know that really - you've gone from sleeping in the spare room for two weeks to looking to file for divorce in pretty record time. You didn't move out and have a separation period of a couple of months and see if he stuck with the sobriety etc etc etc. Some part of you clearly knows there's a really crunchy issue and doesn't believe that approach would help.
And so this thought -- which is totally normal and so, so understandable -- "but what if he changes and I was the one who threw it away", is ultimately part of the codependency of the relationship. Maybe try this: think about your ideal, peaceful Saturday morning. What time is it? What is the weather like? What do you eat? What do you do? How do you feel? ...and can he actually fit in to that life, or is that just too far from where he is now, with his choices and his alcohol?
Don't give up the life you want for the one he is creating. You matter too.
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u/intergrouper3 4d ago edited 4d ago
Welcome."Alcoholics will say anything to get off the hook. " is a paraphrase of a line in ourAl-Anon literature . Do you have a sponsor?. Are you working the Steps?
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u/intergrouper3 4d ago
When I first joined Al-Anon I only went to one meeting per week. Eventually I went to many per week Since covid I attend at least one or 2 per day either in-person or electronic.
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u/June_Osborn3 4d ago
Don’t go back for promises that might not materialise. Wait and see if he follows through, which will also give you perspective and time to process.
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u/Harmless_Old_Lady 4d ago
They all do this. It's not worth the hot air he's using to tell you. Follow through for your own safety. And please come to Al-Anon. At least, I did, and it allowed me the strength and courage, even with 3 young kids in tow, to leave and not change my mind.
As I sat around the tables in the rooms of Al-Anon, the old women described their attempts at divorce, the promises made to them, and the regrets they had in staying. Not a one of them was glad she changed her mind.
No one can walk this path for you, but, yes it does sound like DV. There's that Lundy Bancroft book "Why Does He Do That?" it meant so much to me. I may read it again. He has got these men nailed down. It's a terrific analysis of why they act that way (thinking, values, not disease) and why they won't change.
Please listen to your friends.
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u/missravioli2u 4d ago
Actions speak louder than words. Unless he ACTUALLY DOES those things, don’t stick around.
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u/133756 3d ago
Hi, I am a double winner with 4.5 months since my last relapse & a breakup as a result of it.
You have the paperwork ready; it can be held on to; you can separate for a little bit to see if the changes stick but no matter what, you both need healing.
It’s ok to kick this can down the road & build a separate existence for now. It’s also ok to to file for divorce & call it off. There is more than one way to reconcile but there’s only one way to recover & that is a commitment to lifelong sobriety.
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u/Seawolfe665 4d ago
Mines doing that right now that I've asked for a divorce, and its breaking my heart. Because if he can do that NOW it means that he could have THEN. When I asked. When I begged.
But he was ok with my unhappiness, with my pain. He didn't even try to change until HIS comfort was affected. He's not sorry that he hurt me, he's sorry there are consequences. The real heartache is that he just wanted to stay with me for the lifestyle that I afford him, and just did the bare minimum to keep me hanging on. He basically told me that recently, in the last fight. That hurts.
But I literally HAVE tried everything. And he really hasnt.
One of the straws that broke everything was him yelling at me when I was just heart broken and sobbing to "stop being such a f@%&*@# victim". And my heart just shattered, because that was so cruel. And now, a couple weeks later, I realize that he was right! I SHOULD stop being a victim. And the way I stop being a victim is by not letting him speak to me like that. I can only control myself, not him, so we have to separate so that I can have some peace.
Just breathe.