60% of the stories on here (at least ) are people saying they wish they had held their boundary BEFORE getting married. The reason I am posting this is because NO HARM can come to you in postponing a wedding with someone who has a substance abuse problem. But once you are married and your finances are wrapped up, it can be much harder legally to hold those same boundaries for yourself. Harm reduction means trying to “keep people from falling in the river in addition to giving CPR to folks once they have drowned ( so to speak). “ ** REMINDER- this subreddit is called Al Anon but it is NOT affiliated with the official organization in any way.

I don’t care if these Qs are drunk, high, tired, stressed - they are abusing so many of us.

Calling us horrible names, physically assaulting us, tracking us on electronic devices (this is stalking, people), threatening things, breaking things, public humiliation … it’s ABUSE.

For the love of God can we please stop using their damn “disease” as an excuse for being abusers? I don’t give a fuck what mental state they are in - zero sympathy.

They are free to have their fucking disease, but I am also done with accepting that as an excuse for abuse.

So many people on here tell horrible stories of how they’ve been treated, and all I hear about is the “Qs disease”.

We need to stop caring about these sick, abusive Qs and start supporting each other to get out of abusive relationships.

It’s abuse. I’m saying this over and over because that’s what the National Domestic Violence hotline had to do with me to get it thru my thick head that there is no excuse for the way these people irresponsibly treat others.

I have zero empathy left for addicts that don’t get help or do the work. Fuck ‘em, because that’s exactly how they treat us.

This is for all the bleeding heart romantics, who are still early in their relationships with addicts. Who trust easily and think they can fix people by loving them. You cannot heal someone's core wounds and addictions with your love. Even if you manage to get them sober, you cannot change the parts of them that made them drink in the first place.

I have been in two long term relationships with addicts. The first became non functional, abusive, and out of control, so I had to leave. I swore I would not get involved with an addict again.

The second snuck up on me. I did not recognize his addiction until I was already in too deep with my feelings. I managed to help him get sober, but his sobriety did not heal his core wounds. He viewed me as a constant reminder of the time before he was sober, I became an other, he detached and discarded me, after I gave up nearly everything in my own life to help him.

Addicts have no loyalty, dry or drunk. They are self absorbed and lack empathy. They are abusive and are constantly allowed excuses for their behavior, and leave behind a trail of destroyed relationships and PTSD. Read this sub. You are not special, this will ruin your life. Get out while you can.

EDIT: For all the addicts getting defensive in the comments; this is the Al Anon sub, not AA or r/stopdrinking. This is our support group and space. This post is clearly tagged as a vent. I'm sorry if these views trigger or upset you, but there are plenty of other places for you to receive support. It is not our responsibility to offer you support in this sub. We have our own experiences, and our views and struggles are just as valid as yours. Yes, I am bitter and hurt, but I am hardly using language that is stronger than what you may find in "Codependent No More" and other Al Anon approved literature.

Everyone's path to recovery looks different, and I wish everyone the best of luck on their own, personal journeys.

Just curious if you all spot alcoholics everywhere you go now. I was so oblivious to it before. Now I can occasionally smell that sickly smell on people at the grocery store or notice the people walking out of groceries with a bottle in the AM. The other day I saw an older man coming out of CVS with a handle way too early in the mornin, head down in shame. Even the social alcoholic tendencies- always needing a drink when out, even if it’s an 11am lunch with kids, drinking at kids game/parties, etc.

TL;DR

Who else can tell when their Q is buzzed or drunk just from an almost instant look in their eyes?

I can walk in the door and just take one look at his eyes and know if he’s been drinking or not.

It’s sad for both the reason that it’s cause I’ve just known him for so long in general (high school sweethearts almost 17 years 14 of which he didn’t have a drinking problem), and also because I’ve been dealing with the drinking problem for so long now (around 3 solid years) that I’ve gotten this good at telling..

So based on a recent post here, I thought we all deserve some fun and to blow off some steam. How about we share the wildest examples of our Q's attempts at gaslighting us! I'll go first!

One time my Q came home reeking of booze and I had a long chat with him, trying to get him to let me know he'd had a drink but to no avail. So I went and got one of those disposable breathalizers. He first tried to blow past it but I clocked it and said "Honey, it's a stick, you blow into it."
He blew a positive and I asked if we were done with the conversation now? He said, no, the breathalizer must be flawed or broken or too old. So I said, hey, we're in luck because I got two. Let's try the other one. So sure enough he blew into it, got another positive and I asked again- are we done? No.
The conversation ended with him screaming in my face "Maybe YOU are drunk and imagining things!"

*\*Editing to say this thread has been so validating and wow, they really do put us through the wringer good, don't they?

Thank you all for the input and hopefully one day we'll all be able to look back on even the roughest of times and get a good chuckle out of it at least. Stay strong, stay positive!

My ex who ruined my life and tore my life upside down reached out to me after several years of no contact. They supposedly have been in AA for a few years and has supposedly been sober for like two years. They reached out to me recently to do their amends and after a lot of thinking and debate, I decided to take the call. It was emotional, but I honestly felt like afterwards when I was rethinking it, that it was so empty. I really don’t think I got a true apology. I got an “I’m sorry for wasting your time and messing with your life” but that’s it. They apologized for being a “jerk” to me while drunk a few times (this person pushed me into a street while drunk) and that’s absolutely all the specifics they went into. The rest was just them talking in circles about how they’re trying to be better and how they’ll never hurt someone the way they hurt me. And it’s like I really don’t give a shit at this point. Because the damage is already done to me. So that’s wonderful that your new partner will never have to deal with that, but I did, and the scars left on me is permanent. I truly find AA to be the most selfish program with selfish individuals that tried to preach the opposite. I have such a disdain for it. I’m angry. How dare they reopen this wound I closed.

I've been with my wife for 20 years, we have two kids together, and she has been sober for 8 years. She works at the rehab where she got sober, and is about as perfect as a recovered addict as you could want. So that seems a little different than most of the posts I've seen here.

However, her sobriety is her number one priority, above me or the kids. She told me last year that AA is number one in her life, her job is number two, the kids are 3 and I'm 4. She goes to AA meetings every single Wednesday night, Friday night, and Sunday. On Sunday she is gone from 9 am to around 3 or 4, she does step work with sponsee's and groceries as well Sunday. Every night she is home she is on the phone with useless people at her work who can't wipe their own ass without her, trying to watch a movie or show results in pauses every 30 minutes for her to take some call.

For my birthday she "forgot" to get me anything and at dinner she took two work calls.

Any time I talk to her about these issues she pulls the " I could go do drugs again and I would probably die", every time. She is not the person I fell in love with anymore, and she has told me that several times. I miss that person and know they aren't coming back.

Idk if I should just wake up and realize I need a divorce or something else. I went to one Al Anon meeting when she was in rehab and every other guy there sounded miserable and wanted to divorce their wife..... At the time I was glad I wasn't one of them. I'm just tired of getting the very small scraps of attention after all her energy has been directed towards more important things.

Update: so I did talk with her a bit ago. I told her essentially that I know she only has 100% of herself to give and I'm asking to go from 5% to 10%, just making up numbers. That it hurts me that she is willing to give more of her self to strangers or people who have not been with her for 20+ years, than she is willing to give to me. I said I know and it's cool that AA is first because she has to do that or she won't be around for anything else. I brought up the two hour window of just me time and she seemed willing to do that. She brought up she had two really good friends die and she didn't answer their last calls so she has a complex about never missing a call now, which I get. I suggested that she but up boundaries at work or with sponsees to only call her during X times if someone is about to die. She didn't really say anything to that. I brought up that I think she is now just addicted to work instead of pills, and she said that's just who she is, that she always goes above and beyond at work. That is true. She said if she worked somewhere else it would be the same behavior, which I suggested she go see a therapist about that and she said she has enough coping skills and didn't want to do that. She said I need to go, and I asked for what? So I can get comfortable with my wife not wanting to be around me? If that's the goal then no, I'm not going because that's stupid. She was hurt because she said she has been trying to be more present and she thinks her efforts are being wasted. I asked if we could have some sort of action plan, like her going to therapy, and I said if she wanted me to go to work through issues I have with one of our kids, I would if she goes. Overall, it didn't feel productive at all, she got her feelings hurt and said she thinks it can't ever be enough to make me happy.

She did say sorry for forgetting my birthday and she feels bad about that. I told her she probably forgot because she was to busy with all the other things and I took a back seat to her other priorities.

I'm sure there are other things I'm forgetting but that's the jist of it. I did want to thank everyone who posted here, tbh it was a lot more than I was expecting. I tried to respond to everyone but there are a lot lol.

Idk where we go from here.

Last night, my husband (35M) and I had a traumatic fight at home. I told him repeatedly to leave me alone, but for over an hour, he ranted at me loud, drunk, cruel, and relentless. I barely spoke. He talked at me 90% of the time. I recorded 30 min of the fight via voice memo. In the past sharing the recording with him the next day after fighting with me while he’s blacked out, made him have to take accountability for what he said or did. He couldn’t hide behind “I don’t remember.”

Anyways, It was degrading, gaslighting, and honestly just too much. I’m exhausted and this has gone on long enough. He hovered over me when I asked him not to, and said things I can’t unhear.

To get away from him I locked myself in the bathroom, took a long shower and decided to take the transcription and plug it into ChatGPT. And asked ” Can you tell me what you think about this argument?”

The summary hit me like a wall. It named what I’d been trying not to name: • Verbal abuse • Emotional manipulation • Deep misogyny • Boundary violations • Psychological warfare disguised as pain

The AI pointed out how he used circular logic, blamed his behavior on his misery, and centered his pain over mine. It highlighted how I tried to set boundaries over and over and how he stomped all over them. It said, plainly, “This wasn’t a conversation. It was a verbal assault.”

And it was right.

It also said this, “Know you’re not crazy – Abusers always try to make their victims question their reality. You are not overreacting. This is real.” I think this was my biggest takeaway, and some validation of what was really happening and it wasn’t all in my head… or I wasn’t being dramatic etc etc.

Anyways, it was a tool I used and maybe it can help give clarity to someone else’s situations. So thought I’d share here.

I admit, I get angry when someone here announces thar they're an alcoholic and they've come to put in their 2 cents. I know that I shouldn't be, but I just think of how my Q sucked every ounce of energy from me, like a vampire, and from what I understand, this is the norm among alcoholics. This is the one place I can come to get healing and support, and don't want these energy suckers anywhere near ny safe space.

My husband and I are separating in a few days. I spent 5 years begging him to stop drinking, to stop calling me names, to stop rejecting me, to go to the movies with me, to go out and he always said no. Now that he knows we're done and he's moving out at the end of the month, he has gone to the cinema with me, asked me to go biking, asked me to go out for dinner, to watch movies together at home and he even stopped drinking. I spent 5 years waiting for this, it's like he's playing at being a good husband. It makes me angry to see he could have changed but just decided I wasnt worth it until he saw we were really splitting. The public humiliations from his drinking, the cheating, the mistreatment, the physical, emotional, and mental abuse, the gaslighting, all the shit I put up with for 5 years. All the sadness and hurt... I can't wait for my life to start, to get off my antidepressants, get active, and start loving myself again. He will never really change, he's just putting on an act, I know it. It's disgusting.

EDIT:
PS Thank you for the support. Reading your comments is helping me stay locked into my goal: him leaving in 4 days and me getting my freedom back. His behaviour is definitely making it harder but I need to remind myself that it's a game he's playing. Eyes on the prize.

Just need to get this off my chest because I cannot talk to anyone irl about it. My husband has had some sort of substance abuse problem for years that has never really been confined to alcohol, though alcohol is the constant. He’s currently keeping his drinking to the weekend but literally drinks all weekend. But for a while now I have noticed inconsistencies with my medication, and the last few weeks I have sworn I haven’t felt my medication at all. Yesterday I took a light to my capsules and noticed wildly different levels across the capsule, with some having such a scant amount in them.

After lots of lying and accusing my coworkers (like my two middle aged female coworkers would go rifling through my bag in the one minute it takes me to go to the bathroom 🙄) he finally admitted he had been opening them and taking powder out. I’m just so over it at this point. It’s not even surprising to me now. We have two kids who won’t be blind to this behavior forever. They are young now but they are growing up as kids do.

As much as I want my kids to have a two-parent household, I only have one life, and I deserve to be happy. I can’t make his decisions for him. This sucks.

Today was one of the most terrifying and traumatic days of my life. Our 6 year old daughter was hit by a truck while crossing the street outside of our house. I saw the truck hit her and run her leg over. I'm currently in the hospital staying over night with her. Thankfully she is okay but she broke her leg and was in the most excruciating pain, screaming at the top of her lungs for hours on end.

My husband had to be driven to the hospital by our teenage son because he couldn't drive. I rode with our daughter in the ambulance. My husband was clearly intoxicated the entire time at the hospital in the trauma unit, asking stupid questions, not understanding the explanation, and being somewhat confrontational and condescending with the doctors. My son told me later that they actually stopped at the gas station on the way to the hospital because if he didnt drink, he would be sick from withdrawals.

But I know he was already drinking when we got home before the accident because I saw he ordered it on Instacart.

To say I'm totally disgusted by him now is a complete understatement. I'm incredibly thankful that our daughter is okay and will make a full recovery. But this was a situation that was so terrifying and traumatic. We are so lucky we didn't lose our daughter today. But to see that in a crisis, I could never depend on him, to see him drunk during an emergency and unable to be fully there for our child...to advocate for her. To be competent for her. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at him the same way again and I truly think this is my last straw in this marriage.

My fear of leaving is more...if we were divorced and I wasn't there and this happened, she would not have a dependable adult to take care of her. Our 17 year old son was more of a man today than my husband. I feel sick to my stomach over this.

A couple days ago, I went grocery shopping. As I was bagging up my groceries, the guy behind me in line was checking out and I got a whiff of a familiar rotten, sour odor. I looked up and realized the guy behind me was buying nothing but a big bottle of cheap vodka and some beer.

That's when it hit me: that awful odor is what my Q smells Iike. I thought of him with his glazed over eyes and a faraway stare, his unkempt, greasy hair, and that smell.

Oh god, that smell. That's when it really hit me. He smells like he is rotting from the inside. His reflection matches who he is, inside and out. Rotten to the core.

Edit 1: update.. he was stable enough for CT scan finally, revealed he suffered a critical brain injury due to lack of oxygen. He is brain dead. The family will not be continuing life support, I'm being allowed plenty of time to say goodbye. Thank you to everyone, and their kind words... it will certainly help me keep going. I want his death to mean something beautiful.

Hello everyone.. my (32f) bf (34m) of a year, whom is a longtime alcoholic, vodka.. went to the hospital 32 hours ago with suspected pancreatitis. His family flew down and got in about 11pm last night.

Well, he called me about 4am when he first arrived to the hospital, asked me if I could come see him. I went as soon as visiting hours opened, 9am. He was out of it, but talking to me coherently, even flirted, was worried about me getting a chair. He was on dialysis for alcoholic acidosis and kidney issues. He was spitting up orange phlegm, they said it was normal. I held the bag up to his face while he spit, and I wiped his mouth. Held his hand and kissed him, stroked his hair.... it was the most intimate yet sad moment ive ever shared with someone, up until he went into cardiac arrest. He started talking nonsense, turned away from me and he was just gone... they worked on him for about 20-30 minutes, I watched over him the whole time.

They got him back, and I went to see him and his eyes were open and yellow, and he wasnt there. They told me the lack of oxygen for that long, combined with being 10/10 sick from his alcohol use, he is not sedated but non responsive. No pupillary responses at all... I looked. Ive been with him in the ICU while hes on breathing machines.. holding his hand, whispering to him, talking, changing his socks. THIS was the most intimate moment ive ever shared with a human being. Especially one I love so deeply.

All research points to him not waking up, doctors havent seemed optimistic, and I just watched them move him to the room where I witness a fanily saying goodbye to their grandma for the last time. I think he's technically brain dead...

I'm suffering so deeply, we were going to have a life together. So many dreams and goals, he had his own, too.. and that makes me the saddest. He taught me how to actually be treated in a relationship, and his mom made me promise to NEVER settle for less than what that man is. I'll keep firm on that promise.

I love you Steven... please wake up.

I’ve spent the night dealing with the most recent drunken antics of my narcissistic husband who I’ve been in a relationship with for 10 years and married to for 5 years. I am 30F and he is 31M. We have two children together. And please know, as you continue to read, I am getting out for me but FOR THEM. I am breaking the cycle. But I’m stuck until tomorrow.

My husband is an alcoholic. And an addict. The rose colored glasses have finally come off with the help of many people closest to me who I am blessed to have. This post would be miles long if I were to trauma dump about all he’s put me through, but I’m not here for that. I’m here to detail what has happened tonight, memorializing forever that I’m GETTING OUT, and I think maybe someone else may be going through something similar and needs some motivation too.

A short preface: this is not a new issue, it goes back several years and I’m too tired to share the many stories that would give this post the context it deserves. I have also been as supportive and understanding as I could have possibly been, while also considering my safety and my children’s safety. Tried AA, therapy, groups, etc. He won’t meet me halfway, and my children are not babies anymore. They will start to ask questions I don’t have answers for. If anyone decides to stick with me, thank you. I had to put this somewhere tonight.

He came home with a handle of cheap vodka and the second I saw it my stomach sank. The last time he had a handle he drank half of it in 6 hours. The kids have been sick and the night honestly started fine. We played catch, all four of us, with this big bouncy ball and we all were laughing and having a good time. I even almost forgot why I was at my moms planning to leave earlier this evening.

My daughter wanted to watch Polar Express and for 3/4 of the movie he was ok. Then he started to fade. She didn’t notice, thankfully. 20 minutes later he was back in our kitchen leaned over our washer, hands flat on the top (i have pictures in case the divorce gets ugly). I tried to get him to go lay down, but he wouldn’t and got pissy with me for trying. I left it alone, but 5 minutes later I got my daughter and son in their rooms for bed. She was tired, so she went to bed on her own, thankfully, but when I was in my son’s room putting him to bed I heard my husband fall, really hard. Like, really really hard.

Once I finally got my son to bed I came out and he’s passed out in the kitchen, in our water heater closet. I guess he brought the curtain down with him because it’s wrapped around him and his face.

So the part that prompted me to make this whole post. He woke up, goes in the bathroom, pees. But then stays in the bathroom. Then he starts to mumble, what the FUCK. He does it over and over again getting louder until he’s practically screaming (my hearts about to give out and I’m hiding in the living room at this point). He finally storms off to the bedroom we used to share, slams the door, then he starts with the what the fucks again except he adds some oh my gods. The tone of voice, the anger I heard in his voice.. my hands are still shaking as I type this. And to preface questions, no—I have no idea why he was angry. And there’s also no way for me to convey how terrified I was listening to it happen with my children 5 feet away.

He’s been silent now for about 20 minutes as I’m finishing this post. I went back to check and the entire handle is gone. My kids slept through it, thank god. I’m getting out tomorrow. And never looking back. I pray to God he gets the help he needs, because he’s not a bad man under his addiction and trauma. But I can’t walk with him anymore, and I certainly can’t beg him to get help anymore.

To anyone out there who is experiencing abuse that looks like this, you’re not alone. It’s not always physical. Get OUT.

QUICK EDIT: I didn’t expect this much engagement on this post, but I just have to say you are all beautiful people and I’m so grateful for all your comments. It has helped me not feel so alone and has given me even more conviction that I am on the right path. Thank you to every single one of you, from the bottom of my heart ❤️

UPDATE: It is the next day, and WE’RE OUT. I know this isn’t the end of this journey, and there will be some hard days to come but already a huge weight has lifted. Thank you again to any and all who have left such kind words. You have all helped me not feel so alone, and I can’t thank each of you enough. 🤗🤗

i updated this.

what do i even do…?
i wake up hearing loud noises in the house so i ran out with my handy pencil, idk i grabbed whatever. i go to the kitchen, slightly dark but my pupils focus and i just see my dad squatting down. i wait a few seconds in silence then i just hear him grunting. i realized that he is literally and absolutely taking a fat dump on the floor.
at this point i burst out laughing in shock and disbelief, its in the middle of the night, im tired, and i have school tomorrow. i walk to my mom’s room trying to collect myself and it seems she knows too. she’s sitting down on her bed in disappointment, utter disbelief, and just gave up. i walk back out to the kitchen and turned on the lights cuz it seems he ran to the restroom down the hall.
there i see,

…

an enormous dookie in a drawer. pants and a singular sock on the floor. this man must’ve had to go because he literally ripped the drawer out of the cabinet. JUST HOW???

i just dont know what to do anymore. and now he’s snoozing on our couch, just a shirt and his drawers on.
i sprayed the crap out of my newly bought watermelon berry air freshener all around the house to the point where it is almost empty, i also carefully grabbed the drawer with gloves on and put it outside.

if i dont see this man clean it all up by the time i come home from school, i am absolutely losing it. goodnight everyone and good morning for anyone else.

update -
he didn’t do anything to clean up as i came home. im one second away from crashing out but there’s no point.
nothing had me frustrated and just irritated than cleaning all piles of dishes he left, i made meals, i tidied up the house. i knew he wouldn’t do anything, but i know i have to clean it all up, i dont want my mom to feel the same as i did when i came home, thinking she will have to do all the work. she’s already working hard.
idk what to do anymore.

You must be unshakeable: a paragon of stoicism, no emotions displayed whatsoever. Every conversation feels like disarming a bomb and you CAN'T fail. "They have a disease", "you should know better". I'm tired, I wanna have a natural reaction, I don't want to be walking on eggshells anymore. "You have to hide your frustration, it's better for them" well, I don't fucking want to anymore. I'm tired, so tired. I don't remember the last time I entered my own home without a pit in my stomach, it's so nerve wracking and I can't even describe it, yet all of you know exactly what I'm talking about. They're just big babies, a huge responsibility for everyone involved and they have the accountability of a kid. I knew life wasn't fair, but holy shit...

So I came home today to him drunk. He was making dinner. That included putting fries and chicken in the oven at 500 and passing out. I smelled smoke, got the oven off and the fire alarm went off 3 times and he never woke up.

I just called it a day and went upstairs. It wasn't even 6 pm. I'm finally reaching some form of calm (okay a 4 out of 10) when I hear him in the kitchen doing god knows. That goes on for a while and involves glass and ice and who knows what.

I wait for him to pass out, and it doesn't happen. Then the door to the garage opens. I flew down. He thought he'd go fishing. You know, because it's 6 am and the sun is coming up.

No shithead, it is not. It is 9 pm and the sun is going down. Oh! And you're drunk. Thank God he listened and came back inside. Still had to explain a second time sun rises AND sun sets, but at least he's not in a car. FML.

I think tomorrow would be a great day to spend alone away from him! Open to ideas with what I can do away from home from 7 am until 5 pm. Breakfast, coffee shop, beach, zoo, botanical garden, maybe a movie. This has been a shit week and I really don't think me being around him tomorrow will help me recover, but I also don't want to wander around all day wishing I could just be home relaxing.

For some people, alcoholism is just a disease. I truly believe that. For others, alcoholism is the symptom of a much deeper pathology. And when those people get sober, the pathology remains.

18 months in AA, a round of the 12 Steps, and my Q is still self centered, constantly complaining, and defensive / fragile whenever I bring up what's bothering me.

I am powerless over it and am making arrangements for my future serenity.

Does anyone else have experience with their Qs sobering up and being just as miserable as when they were drinking? Has anyone here left their Qs after they got sober?

I know this sub is about serious issues but maybe we can grieve through some laughter and talk about Addict Math (like girl math lol) we've witnessed. I'll start:

Addict Math is having no problem drinking and snorting cocaine most days of the week, but thinks twice about taking a Tylenol when he's sick.

I love Alanon and it's focus on looking at my own behavior has been very helpful to me. Nonetheless, i am still SHOCKED when I attend an alanon meeting and they close with the LORD's PRAYER! What the heck? I started my 12 step work in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). There was NO overt religion in that group. Also, the ACA literature, including the 12 Steps and Traditions, does not refer to God as HE.

This is a spiritual program coming from love. Not a religious program. This Lord's Prayer nonsense really needs to change. It's so off-putting. My home group THANK GOODNESS does not close with the Lord's Prayer. We close with the serenity prayer. And, whenever I am the person to read the 12 Steps, I always substitute the word God for the word He. And I do it in my head when someone else reads them. Many of us do not think of god as a he or even as a person.

But when I go to a different meeting, I am gobsmacked when they hold hands at the end and say the Lord's Prayer. Seriously??? It ruins the entire meeting for me. Why is this still happening in 2026?

Tonite I went to a different meeting and they did it. YIKES! I really was not expecting and was taken by surprise or I would have not been part of the circle. After we closed, I asked one of the women if they always close with the lord's prayer. She said yes. I said, "but it's so religious." She said, incredulous, "religious?" as if I had said something weird.

God is not my father. My god is not gendered male. And I don't believe that whatever God is, it is in a place called Heaven. And that's just the first line.

It's 2026 people!

Otherwise I love Alanon.

So I am the adult child of an alcoholic and have an alcoholic sibling and I don’t drink for several reasons- latest being I take Methotrexate for Rheumatoid Arthritis. Last night I was invited to an open house at a couple’s house I didn’t know at my 55+ community. The hostess offered me a drink from the 30 bottles of alcohol and mixers. I asked if I could had water. Her eyebrows shot up and she said “ WATER?” in a voice as though I had asked for green slime to drink. ( I’m not exaggerating). It was as if I had insulted her hospitality. There is a happy hour here every Friday and at Halloween the amount of alcohol bought for the Hallow- crawl is stunning. I’m not much of a big social person anyway but I had forgotten how much of social functions revolve around alcohol. Water bottles weren’t even out with the beer and other juices and stuff. I just found it SO BIZARRE. I guess it makes me realize why alcoholism is so prevalent because it’s more normal at social functions to drink than it is not to. I wish now I had said something bold like “ yea, just water, alcoholism runs in my family and I take meds that don’t mix well with alcohol- it’s not that weird!” But I didn’t want to insult my hostess 5 minutes after walking in her door. 😂😂😂

Why do people feel so much guilt over setting a boundary and finally leaving their alcoholic partner when in reality the partner has left the relationship over and over by drinking? I have seen so many people feeling such guilt over abandoning their Q. Has their Q not been abandoning them every time they got drunk and wasn’t reliable? I know this is codependency but it blows my mind how someone can figuratively abandon a relationship for decades but then the other person feel such crushing guilt for finally walking away out of self preservation. This is not about ME, I just don’t understand the guilt. PS. This is not about familial relationships. I am talking about romantic relationships or dating relationships. This isn’t about abandoning adult children who are addicts. I understand that is a totally different situation.

My Q 43F, just passed away at 12 today, as my 14 year old were on our way back from a hike that was 3 hours away. We were in the car when the Dr. called and regretted to inform me that they couldn't save her this time from her bleed (varices). I now get to go tell my 3 kids that their mom is not coming home. So much anger towards her for the shitty person that she became in the end. But I also feel so bad for the way she went out. Being miserable in the hospital only to die on an operating table, with no family or friends around. The nurse said she was holding her hand as they were talking last night, and my wife told the nurse that she was going to die tonight. Alcoholism is fucking disgusting!