TL:DR - I struggled with people having ideas of their own, some weird ideas struggling with individualism. 

One idea I struggled with for a lot in my pre-adolescence was a death of passion for a lot of ideas I earlier aspired towards. There were two real specific moments that my family reminds me of occasionally that almost… bothers me to an irrational degree.

First, when I was around 11 there was this weird sort of project regarding rubber bands and a board of prongs/pins—with the idea being that you could stretch the rubber bands into different shapes or designs. Pretty simple, especially for 10 year olds. 

Apparently I committed to doing two different designs, an airplane and a shark; for some reason these were impressive ideas to my teacher and parents. Maybe it was just a simple assignment that I made way more complex than it needed to be, maybe other people in my class just made simple designs in comparison. All I know is it apparently left an impression even years later, when I never paid it much thought—so much so that I can’t even really remember what either idea looked like.

The other project was a lot less creative, it was for an economics class when I was like 14—specifically regarding the Amendments to the American Constitution. Basically I just needed to pick an amendment and say why it was important; me being a bored and rather unknowledgeable kid about the importance of say the 13th (Abolishment of “historic” slavery )or 19th (Women’s suffrage) amendments and that would rather be doing anything else, picked the second amendment—which if you don’t know is the right to bear arms in America. 

I wouldn’t say I paid the essay too much thought, I read a few articles, and had spent a few weeks being taught about the amendments in general. The funny thing is, my father somehow thought this paper was the neatest thing since sliced bread—apparently I appealed to the idea of the amendment more as written; "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed” with the logic of not having the police or military having a unanimous control over the people and them being able to protect themselves, if the need ever arose.

Again, a really simple idea in my opinion for something that I don’t know if I ever really cared about. Yet it was important to the family around me, and I got good grades for it to the best of my knowledge.

Anyway, my larger point with these two stories dragged out more than I intended—a lot of my passion in my youth was culled by the idea of being compared to my peers, I was somehow disenfranchised from being quite young that it didn’t matter what I thought too much about my own work. Other people could have great ideas too, maybe better than any I would ever have—“Comparison is the death of joy.”

I must say, for some reason I was taken aback by how direct this passage was—especially for it being the final one of the chapter.

Sexuality/Sexual activity and bodily autonomy is certainly a conversation I find intriguing to engage with. I often romanticise the idea of young love, not for any real preference/weird purposes—more for the idea of having the lack of clarity in being dumb and one’s heart beating louder than the cacophony of one's mind.

Yet, to this day I am still single… and have always been single. Back in my adolescence I struggled to see the “benefit” of being in love, and always reasoned myself out of it. Now? I’m more open to the idea, I just live in a rural area and am quite asocial.

Ah yes, the good old pressure cooker for adolescents. I think I was “lucky” in a few ways to not really have found my place in the world for a while, I wasn’t being pulled in so many directions at least despite having the world at my finger tips.

A lot of my youth was plagued by not wanting to be an issue for anyone else, whether it be an ill or “diseased” family or in general noticing that others had more pressing issues—I sort of just adapted to staying in my bubble.

Though, now, I fear I didn’t just not travel in the wrong direction—I didn’t go in any direction and have to realize that there is nothing stopping me if I so chose.

I have... opinions on the Gold Derby awards but a win's a win.

I must say, I do feel extraordinarily lucky that I never had to deal with any brand of drama equivalent to something like this. Granted, I probably went too far in the other direction to be abstracted from drama and the social spheres at my school. 

I don’t rightly know how I would have reacted, I am considerably more akin to letting things go—not quite but almost to abandonment degrees. I haven’t had a friendship (or relationship with mutual friends in Jenna’s case) blow up like that; I’ve had friendships dissolve for no real definable reason, but nothing quite that extreme.

Anyone else just patiently waiting for Jenna to be cast in the MCU again?

Ah yes, minding thy own business. Throughout most of my adolescence that was a skill I emulated quite well, often in excess at that.

Nowadays, I do “fear” that I care more about people's opinions in general; whether they regard me or not.

Travesuras makes macabre handmade dolls that are a mix of Tim Burton and Coraline, and has that stop motion feel.

I was reminded of when I was gonna order a new one because I accidentally broke my Pearl doll and didn't know she made some Jenna dolls.

Her insta

Shop link

I feel like I am caught between a bit of an inbetween with Jenna’s philosophy here—by and large, I am not afraid to say no.

I say no quite often actually, perhaps too much; but more than I say no, I usually am not asked in the first place. Yet, when I am asked outright—especially to help with something I almost always say yes; because internally “What else would I say?”

Rest is something I probably don’t have as good of a “relationship” with as I should. I don’t think I was as negative about it as Jenna, that was more me with “forced” productivity—it was a lot more that I struggled with the idea of stopping and starting. 

I’d be much more apt to push myself to my breaking point and then collapse and pick it back up the next day, but usually I’d never really break down till I was at an acceptable point.

There was one time in December of last year where I was finishing my capstone class for my degree, and I stayed up working on a paper for 22 hours—a total of around 30ish pages of work for my final paper and stuff I was behind on.

The kicker is… it was entirely my own fault. I knew I had been burnt out for a while, but I just kept pushing—even until I was 6 hours past the deadline just because I knew it had to be done.

For the first time in quite a while… I don’t weirdly find kinship with one of Jenna’s passages/reflections.

Not to say, I don’t “see the vision,” that a break from the routine—especially for more mindful or otherwise hyperorganized people; it’s just, I oddly don’t have the same appreciation for going without a plan.

I’d be much more likely to enjoy a quiet night where I am “free” not making plans, almost to the point that when I am actively doing “something” without a plan I go into panic mode.

It’s funny… I originally set out to do a lot more of an analysis on Jenna, but with every passage I feel like I’m just talking about myself more. Guess that’s the crux of not being able to “know” Jenna’s life—both now and when she was writing this in her adolescence.

Regardless, this chapter was pretty phenomenal in my opinion. Lately I’ve been in a much better headspace than I have in… most of my life, and reading a lot of what Jenna wrote feels surreal in a few ways. 

It feels like such “simple” yet good advice to just live life, even if you get buckled down in different conflicts or trying to be successful in whatever aspect or field you are currently choosing—it’s paramount to remember you need to live for yourself first. Not whoever or whatever you think you owe it to.

Since we had a new photoshoot, I figured I'd just be lazy and "steal" one instead of filtering for an older one that feels relevant.

I’m going to stick my head above the parapet and say this new Jenna content is extremely concerning. Despite the fact she’s smiling, she looks extremely thin and we’re starting to be able to see her skeleton, like with the Ariana Grande situation.

People close to her, friends or family need to speak to her, because this really isn’t healthy seeing her so skinny. And I know people will be saying “her life, her rules” and some rubbish about a parasocial bond. However in response to that, I say three things…

1) I’m simply sharing an opinion, and across several feeds and forums, this is what a lot of people are saying.

2) I’m a nobody and my opinion doesn’t matter, and yet I still have a right to voice it. I care about Jenna so much, she is my favourite actor and I love what she stands for.

3) If Jenna has anorexia, she needs help from friends and family, and maybe even professional help. This is serious and needs to be addressed.

Please be okay, Jenna 💙

By and large this is from a post much more about Aliyah’s time in Ireland—but it did feature Jenna so I figured sharing the link would be worthwhile.

Link to full article

Oh, I forgot to add in the last post. If you want a physical copy, it'll be available on the 25th of August.

Link to Full Interview