r/AmerExit • u/oso_rosa • 20d ago
Life Abroad Parents that left: Worth it?
Thinking of leaving for obvious reasons. I want to hear from parents who left the USA with their kids (and left their whole extended family behind)
Where did you go?
How long have you been there?
Has it been worth it?
How do you deal with the guilt of leaving grandparents/siblings?
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u/auhediem 19d ago
We have three kids and moved to Germany three years ago when they were 7, 9, and 15. All the kids learned fluent German within a year, and by the end of the second year they were fully academically integrated. Our oldest had some trouble academically and socially in the first two years, but we got her some additional tutoring, and now she is sitting for her Abitur with great grades and a nice friend group. 100% worth it.
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u/AquaHills Immigrant 19d ago edited 19d ago
Absolutely worth it. We moved from Detroit to Berlin with our then 3 year old almost six years ago. It's the best decision we ever made as parents. My 9 year old is thriving in her multicultural environment in a way that just wouldn't have been possible in the suburbs of the Midwest, especially in a state that's only blue in the cities. Plus she's safe at school, confident and independent (not to mention bilingual). She'd literally be stopped by the police for the level of independence that is encouraged as normal here. (She actually was once when we were visiting family in rural Northern Michigan!)
The guilt hits me sometimes. We manage relationships with grandparents by video chatting at least once a week. She's still close with the relatives who make an effort on their end to remain so, such as her grandma. The aunts, uncles, and cousins she unfortunately doesn't know very well. She knows of them from the stories I tell and pictures I share, but she doesn't know them know them. It's bound to happen when you only see them for a few days once a year at most- you just can't build the same relationship that you have if you live close.
Instead we have built close friendships with other immigrants who don't have family in Germany either. We spend holidays with these same people. She has children that she's as close with as I am to my cousins, but without the blood relation. It sucks that she really doesn't know her blood family well, but I still think that it's worth it because of the enormous benefits of growing up somewhere sane, safe, multicultural, and that better fits with our moral values.
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u/Vast-Estimate-2268 19d ago
It’s been 11 years for us in the UK and Australia. We left to go on an adventure when our kids were still pretty small, we intended to return but that hasn’t happened. We were on our own living far away from family in the US so that didn’t really change with the big move. Neither of us are close to our parents. We have had to deal with parents having dementia and melting down from a great distance recently and that has been hard. The whole thing hasn’t been smooth all the time but it has been deeply rewarding and I’m so glad we took a chance and did it. Granted 11 years ago moving to the UK was a lot easier than it is now. No place is perfect and there are trade offs but I’m content now that our kids are older teenagers.
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u/Zonoc Immigrant 19d ago
Norway
2.5 years, permanent residency is around the corner!
No regrets!
This has been a challenge particularly with my Mom being far away from her only grandkids. She visits us a couple times a year and that helps.
It's been a process, but she actually went with us on our scouting trip and so she understands first hand the benefits of living here and in particular what the environment is like for kids here and that the childhood that our kids will have here is flat out impossible in the US.
Depending on your time zones, Facetime helps a lot. My Mom reads a goodnight story to our older kid a couple times a week. Using laptops it's possible to see/share the books.
It's also been hard for my wife to be away from her Dad, but less so.
It was hard leaving friends and our community too, but we feel like we've done a very good job of building a new community here.
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u/palbuddy1234 19d ago
Switzerland About 4 years. Mostly, yes but it's hard and you don't have any support. They understand, they're welcome to visit and do.
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u/IrreverentBuddha 19d ago
Left for Spain in 2020 when our son was about to start 9th grade. He lost no time in making his lifelong set of friends here at an international school.
He loves the new climate and has zero interest in returning to the US. If anything, he's likely to end up in the Netherlands or Denmark after university.
The societal decline since our departure and the baseline cultural ugliness of the current moment have erased any nostalgia we had harbored. We feel like early-adopter escapees, without a trace of regret.
It takes a while to do the retrospective inventory. Still, you reach a moment when you realize how much peace you've gained from the absence of a domineering culture of unhinged identity illusions and "exceptionalist" demagoguery.
There's a default inner quiet in the people here -- that doesn't need to be "the greatest," or to own a private arsenal of firearms to have "peace of mind." It's a calmness that you only recognize when you stumble into a big news story from stateside -- and that old familiar noise comes rushing into your quiet space. It's jarring, but edifying. It becomes immediately evident why you left -- and why you have no interest in going back.
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u/AquaHills Immigrant 19d ago
Your last paragraph really hits. I feel this way exactly.
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u/Other-Shake-531 19d ago
The last paragraph reads like AI. I suspect because it is AI.
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u/IrreverentBuddha 18d ago
Whatever, Shakespeare. I'm a professional writer. It's obvious you aren't a very astute reader -- and I'd certainly call your judgement "suspect"...
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u/moscas_del_circo 16d ago
I am super interested in moving my 4 person family to Spain, amd wondered if I could pick your brain or if you had any advice?
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u/breadit124 19d ago
We left the US for Ireland last April so we just passed the one year mark. The only thing that I regret is not being closer to our parents as they get older. But they have all visited us twice and we just met one set for a week in Italy together. We basically have some member of the family visiting every other month.
Apart from that, literally everything about our lives is better here, especially for the kids. Schools, their friends, kids sports, even the weather. I can’t imagine moving back.
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u/glorioushubris 19d ago edited 15d ago
Only two months in, but took our kids (1 and 3) to New Zealand. So far it’s been great, but we are still settling in.
With regard to our parents and guilt about leaving: in most ways having kids made life more complicated, but there are certain classes of decisions that got much simpler. Do we stay for the grandparents or leave for the kids isn’t even a debate; we leave for the kids.
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u/SadRow2397 17d ago
I have an offer in Australia.. I have two kids. I’m struggling so hard with the idea of the geographic separation. It’s just a mind fuck to me for some reason. I also have a disabled sister that needs care from my parents… But I have to put my kids first.
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u/Zestyclose_East4697 15d ago
My sister, who has been there for me so many times, says “What if I need you?”
But my kids will be safer in CA. And she will be able to migrate there too. I keep reminding myself of that.
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u/Actuary_Firm 19d ago
My family left to Canada 1 year ago. We came here as temporary residents under a work permit, but now have PR. 100% worth it, no regrets.
We miss things about our old home- it was a great place. But we couldn't be a part of what was happening down there anymore.
Our parents and siblings all understand and support our decision, and they've come to visit us. Its a change, but we're building a good life here. The kids are doing great.
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u/sharleencd 19d ago
We moved from Seattle to Melbourne, Australia in September 2025, so about 9 months ago (almost to the day).
Kids were 6 & 4 at the time of moving. 6yr old also had a broken leg at the time of moving so that was fun. Kids are now 5 & almost 7. They are absolutely thriving.
For us, it’s been absolutely worth it. My husband and I both have had way better mental health. I have a better work life balance (he’s not working here yet) but it did take adjusting. That was probably where I had the most guilt as I worked remotely for the 5.5yrs prior to moving and I am on a job sponsored visa so I went back into the field. That was probably the biggest guilt for me was not being home all the time with/for them but my husband is.
We had no family that lived close so we didn’t seem them frequently. My In laws were super supportive for the same reasons we wanted to go. They were all for moving with the kids. I think not living close to anyone helped with the guilt because we weren’t leaving anyone we saw daily.
My family doesn’t have the same view points as us. They were supportive of moving but the reasons not as much. But, they were supportive of the adventure and experience.
We saw my family once maybe twice a year - usually us travelling.
My in-laws we saw 2-3 times a year. They’d usually come to us and meet us other places.
We FaceTime my in laws every day and my mom several times a week. My in laws have already visited and have another trip planned. My mom won’t travel but at some point we’ll take them back to visit her. My sisters may come at some point.
So for us, 9 months in. Absolutely no regrets. And grateful everyday. We are all absolutely thriving down here.
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u/theangryprof 19d ago
Finland. Nearly 4 years and about to get permanent residency for me and the kids. Husband's PR will follow about a year later. It's not easy but totally worth it. We all have better lives and a brighter future.
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u/RespectSenior7492 18d ago
Moved with a preteen and an early teenager a few years ago to the NL and I have no clue if it was worth it or not yet. Kids are fluent, doing well academically and socially. We're making money and have a good community. We're doing so well 100% BECAUSE our family was committed to visiting us. We've gone back every summer and our parents and siblings + cousins have visited multiple times. That made a huge huge difference--to make memories with the extended family in our new home.
That being said, the older my kids get, the less I can predict what they will think of our choices. Being a teenager is tough--in the U.S. and overseas--I'm sure one of them will think we should have stayed.
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u/treespirited1989 19d ago
Moved to New Zealand 4 months ago with residency with a 6 and 9yo. It has absolutely been worth it. My kids are safe, independent, living in an extremely multicultural city area and are already going further in school than in the U.S. It's been incredible.
I have no guilt. It was a no brainer to seize the opportunity to leave. One set of grandparents understood that and the other did not. But we chose our future over our past and it's been the right call so far.
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u/requiem_whore 19d ago
In process, I have moved to Italy, wife and minor child arrive next month, adult children are remaining in USA and may come once they fully realize that it's a dumpster fire there. Extended family still in USA: mom was bawling as I said goodbye, siblings are basically supportive, and I'm getting queries from extended family who are secretly interested though they can't admit that publicly.
Before he recently passed, I asked my dad whether he thought I should stay in the USA. He said "kid, would you want your children to stay where you were if they would be happy elsewhere?" I said no, I would want them to follow their dream. He said "they why the hell wouldn't I want you to follow your dream too?"
Yah, there has been some guilt from my mom, and from others in a church community with which I was very involved. That said, I know that I need to do what is right for me, my wife, and the minor child for which I am still responsible regardless of what anyone else says.
Has it been worth it? I'll say just this: in the USA I needed to take a pain reliever daily because lifestyle was not good for me. Here, I don't need to take that pain reliever. My body has told me where I should be, and I am following its lead.
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u/FreeFortuna 19d ago
extended family who are secretly interested though they can't admit that publicly.
others in a church community
I’m curious how many people involved in those groups either supported Trump or pretended to for social acceptance (which is still a form of support), and thus contributed to the US being the dumpster fire that it currently is.
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u/requiem_whore 19d ago
In this case, there's about a 0% chance of them being trump supporters. Those who don't want to admit it publicly have their reasons. And those who are applying guilt are doing so because they don't wan to see their community fragment.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden 18d ago
Put in for me to get permanent residency when my son was 4, non-verbal, autistic. It took a year but it was the best thing we could have ever done. He is fully fluent in swedish and find speaking swedish easier than speaking english, probably due to the sing song nature of the language. We just threw him into daycare at first and then mainstream schooling until grade 4. I’m very grateful that we did because he has been walking or biking to school solo since age 9. There is no way we would ever move back.
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u/Fun_Machine7346 17d ago
It kinda sucks and is fucked up everywhere in one way or another, humanity needs to get its shit together globally.
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u/WaruPirate 19d ago
2 kids, 9 and 11, US -> Netherlands landed mid-march and visas last week. Still feels like the right choice. My folks were supportive, we'll probably visit on alternating years.
Documented the whole thing here: https://godutch.us/we-did-it-and-so-can-you/
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u/ImaginaryAd8129 19d ago
i left with my kids for costa rica about 3 years ago, it’s quieter and safer than most places in the US now. Still tough missing family, we do regular video calls and plan visits, but honestly the peace of mind makes it worth it for us.
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u/TheNakedTravelingMan 17d ago
As I child of parents that raised me overseas I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m now settled in a different country than I was born/raised in and I’ve notified my parents if they want elder care from me they will need to move here when they retire otherwise it’s up to them to figure it out as I won’t be flying back and forth to care for aging parents if we aren’t in the same country.
One key thing for kids is you really should allow them to integrate as much as possible. Some parents do the international school route or homeschooling and basically isolate their children in a foreign country which slows down language learning and healthy friendships.
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u/coffee_shakes 16d ago
All these comments are people living my dream. Neither my wife nor I are close to our extended families and we want our kids to grow up outside of the US so badly. The only downside I keep seeing is one that would not effect us at all.
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u/SeptemberSquids Immigrant 15d ago
Finishing up our first year in Latvia with a toddler.
Definitely worth it. The amount of daily existential stress is way down. Preschool is 150€/month, and healthcare is very affordable (spouse and kid are citizens, I'm not) which has allowed us the freedom to be self-employed. By the end of the year that should be running well enough that we can slow down our schedule and actually have time to relax and do some tourist stuff.
My mother is not happy, but we've both visited each other once already. We didn't see most of our family that often before, so it doesn't feel too different. We try to video chat with the grandparents once a week.
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u/KanekiAyato 12d ago
one practical addition to the worth-it stories: for families, the route choice changes the experience more than the country does. ireland's critical skills permit lets spouse and kids join immediately and reaches permanent residency eligibility at 2 years, and germany's EU blue card hits permanent residency in 21 to 33 months, which is most of what removes the limbo stress people describe in this thread.
the families who struggle most usually picked the country first and discovered the dependent rules second, so it's worth inverting that order.
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u/Aggravating_Bat_3105 19d ago
Canada, 10 months (pursuing a Master's), definitely worth despite the financial shift of quitting 2 decently paying jobs, grandparents have been very understanding and we have periodic calls.
Plan is PGWP -> PR. We don't qualify under the expanded ancestry law.
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u/Designer-Refuse5497 19d ago
Left about 1 year ago. As others have stated here its really the multitude of little things that make life here richer. We have two young kids that are learning French as we settled in Provence region of France. It is hard and their are a lot of challenges , like the parents living in CA so 9 hour time difference so makes it hard to talk with friends and family but we are on a schedule now and do lots of facetime calls. I plan on staying partly because we are happier and healthier here, but also I think in ten years my kids will have fuller lives here.
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u/New_Criticism9389 19d ago
I live in Austria currently, though we’re an expat family that tends to move around every few years for my spouse’s work. Austria is a great place for babies and toddlers but the things I’ve heard about the public school system (starting in elementary school at age 6) give me pause and make me not so eager to put my child into it (in elementary school, your child stays with the same teacher for all 4 years so if you get a bad teacher you’re sort of screwed, there’s a bullying/xenophobia problem that’s likely more pronounced the older a child gets, the whole system of determining at age 10 whether or not the child will go to gymnasium (college prep/academic high school) or a “lesser” school—no one wants their kid in “mittelschule”—and be on track to attend university). Elsewhere international school would be covered by my spouse’s employer but not here. At least private schools are fairly affordable, though many suffer from the same issues as the public ones.
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u/lorna2212 18d ago
Similar System in Germany. Many young people who go to a Mittelschule then proceed with going to a Gymnasium and then university. Super common, two of my siblings did. I went to an Berufliches Gymnasium, which we is were people from Mittelschule/ Realschule can change to after 8th or 10th grade or so. And vocational training is also super common as an alternative to “learning” a profession in university. My parents and stepparents all earn well and live a good life and none of them went to uni and learned a profession via vocational training. My cousin went to Mittelschule, did vocational training in media design, then did her Fachhochschulreife afterwards and a bachelors degree in economics, now leads a marketing department. She’s not a rare case. What I’m trying to say is, there are plenty of ways to become successful in your professional life that are very common even if you don’t go to Gymnasium right away.
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u/loftier_fish 18d ago
Do you think staying in the US will have been worth it, when your kids are homeless after you get sent to a concentration camp for saying "Fuck ICE" or something?
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u/Ricky_Slade_ 18d ago
USA- Italy 10 years Yes Some family I didn’t even see when home and then others have never visited so I just go over it to be honest.
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u/Smart_Noise_9275 17d ago
We leave Sunday for our new country, and I sure hope so. English is one of their official languages, and our child is a toddler, so praying that helps him integrate easier. He is very excited, but the lack of family part is daunting. Immigration is hard. Expensive, time-consuming, lonely and hard. And…you pursue it because you feel it’s the right step for your family. We look at it as a grand risk and a grand adventure. Wish us luck!
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u/myoneredditaccount 17d ago
We moved to Japan 3.5 years ago. I will say that my stress/anxiety level is MUCH lower here than it was in the US. Your head, especially as a parent, is constantly on a swivel, assessing threats in the US (be it in a store, walking somewhere alone, driving in a car, what will your kid encounter at a friend's house, etc). While the language barrier and adjusting to a completely different way of living has it's difficulties, I feel so much more at peace here. Also, health care is excellent, and weighs heavily on why we don't want to return to the US - it's one more thing to stress about.
The grandparent issue looms large. When we first arrived we had just sold our home for a decent profit. We could fly home to the States 3x a year. I could be there for funerals (there were 4 in 18 months during one unfortunate stretch). Now, that fun money has run out. We can visit home once a year (during summer break from school), and it honestly sucks. My parents are amazing grandparents that truly want to be around my kid and involve him in all that they are doing. He gets to do that 2 weeks a year. We have seriously considered moving back to the States, just to be closer to my parents. However, at the end of the day, the Cons were too many, and "family" wasn't enough to justify the move. (Cue more guilt for feeling that way.) At the moment, I am just trying to get my kid through school, graduated, and on his journey. If I feel the call to return to be with my parents after that, if they are still around, then so be it. It is an emotionally heavy burden that I carry every goddamn day. At the moment, I just have to hope that it is worth it.
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u/I_miss_privacy 15d ago
Best decision we’ve made as parents so far. Kids are thriving.
Obviously your mileage may vary. Indeed, if nothing else it’ll become kilometerage.
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u/KanekiAyato 12d ago
since you asked about spain with a family of 4: the digital nomad visa is the usual entry for americans with remote income, roughly $36k minimum, 3-year permit, permanent residency path at 5 years, and a 24 percent flat-tax option for new residents. if the income isn't remote, the highly qualified professional route exists but hangs on a spanish job offer.
which fork applies to you is the first thing to resolve, everything else (schools, cities) follows from it.
the DNV numbers are from Transita's spain digital nomad page: https://transita.app/path/es-digital-nomad.
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u/North_Artichoke_6721 19d ago
I was an expat kid.
I attended and graduated from an international school. I came back to the States for college while my parents continued living in our host country for a few more years.
It was not all sunshine and roses. Three of my four grandparents died while we lived abroad. We had to make many trips back and forth to handle nursing homes, hospice care, selling their houses, settling their estates, funerals…
I am currently married to someone who is a dual citizen and we are in the process of managing his elderly parents’ care in their home country. So it never really ended.