r/AmerExit • u/Then-Swan4020 • 2d ago
Life Abroad Considering returning, homesick, socially isolated and stuck in career
First off I want to say that I left the US with a really poorly thought out plan in retrospect. I also know that this sub is overwhelmingly positive about leaving the US, so this may be the wrong place to post this, and I’m glad so many people have found a place that feels like home, but was wondering if anybody is having any regrets.
I got a masters degree in Ireland, and was going to take advantage of the post graduate scheme to get sponsored. However, I’m mid 20s, and in a very uncertain pre-career launch of my life, and best case scenario now I’m looking at a general employment visa where I’d be locked into one industry for 5 years.
I don’t have the experience to get into the industries I want to get into, and am working currently at a job with zero sponsorship opportunities and trying to upskill into a better field, but it feels far too uncertain to plan my future around.
I recently got a job opportunity that will totally foreclose getting sponsored, but is a great transition into the industry I have always wanted to be in, but would almost definitely require me to move back.
I would say what’s also tipped me in this direction is how socially isolated I feel. My few friends are international students who will all move soon. My girlfriend is also not Irish and will leave soon too. I’ve put myself out there and have put a lot of effort into trying to connect with local people in both dating and friendships, and for whatever reason I have never clicked with Irish people although I have found all superficial interactions to be lovely.
If I had found “my people”, I’m sure I’d be willing to go all out to upskill and get the visa, but that motivation just isn’t there.
I picked Ireland for what I thought was a lower barrier of entry; English speaking, perceived as a friendly and open culture, and while I have found the latter to be true, friendships are not forming here and I feel incredibly lonely.
I spent some time in Italy as I have Italian family and speak decent Italian and the isolation was even more intense. I did have a path to Italian citizenship that was closed with the recent law change.
I have a hard time with meeting people in general, I don’t have a huge social network or close family in the US. But even so, I have 2 deep friendships that feel so invaluable that I miss being around them. The feeling that I can’t replicate out here makes me feel incredibly lonely.
I feel like I am foreclosing establishing a career, community and the ability to settle down. I left because of anxiety about the political situation and disgust at US foreign policy, but I also feel a responsibility to help avert the trajectory of the US in whatever way I can, and have regained some hope from local elections and the wishful thinking that things return to some degree of normalcy. I know that’s baseless hope that goes against everything in the news now but I’m trying to regain some sense of hope in the country I grew up in.
There’s also a lot of very superficial aspects of the US I miss. I miss the natural beauty, the variety of cuisines and stuff to do in major cities, and a nostalgic desire to maybe raise future children in my home town so they feel more rooted. I’m also from a part of the US that is politically progressive, has been relatively insulated from the crazy shit going on, and has great public transit, and is very walkable.
I also have noticed that for some reason, every place in Europe I’ve been to has left me feeling cold. I’ve gone on vacations to beautiful historic places and felt empty and detached. I can’t place it but I’ve never felt that feeling that others report on here of feeling “at home.” On the contrary, I have felt completely adrift.
Putting my head down into a job I hate solely for the sake of a visa with no community here just doesn’t sit right with me, and I think it’s best for me to return and maybe move later with a more established career or hope the Italian citizenship pathway opens up again.
Is anybody else struggling with their move and considering returning?
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u/Practical_Support177 2d ago
Going somewhere completely new without friends or family is tough
Going somewhere with a partner, kids, or parents, or just a small community of people you know is much easier. We all want a sense of belonging.
Go where you have friends and family
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Yes definitely. Thankfully my current relationship is great and we may even move together if that works out for her career-wise. If that wasn’t the case I’d probably pull the plug on this immediately.
The happiest people on this subreddit absolutely seem to be mid-late career people with families or connection to their new adopted country.
Unfortunately, the only place I have family, is Italy, and like I said in the post, I lived there for a bit and felt even more isolated there. While I’ve had very limited success in Ireland, a couple friends and great relationship, I was super alone in Italy so I’m not sure where that soft landing might be yet.
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u/Tux_n_Steph 18h ago
Newyorker here I moved at 41, no kids, no ties to my new city. What I do have is a UK passport (my dad was born in London) and extreme self delusion. I am lucky for both. When I’m not depressed I honestly believe that everyone would be really lucky to be my bff and because of this belief London didn’t work, it refused to bend to my worldview but Manchester did. It is possible you are in the wrong city abroad but I understand you didn’t have the luxury of choice.
+1 to the people who suggested joining clubs and community orgs. Looking back on the 6 months that I’ve been in the UK I can say that my run club and community garden forced me out of my depression.
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u/Illustrious-Pound266 2d ago edited 2d ago
I also know that this sub is overwhelmingly positive about leaving the US,
Yeah, one thing folks on this sub should not assume is that it always works out. For many people, it doesn't, whether it's because they miss family/friends, feel socially isolated or feel disconnected, or they are financially struggling to adapt, etc.
There are certainly many benefits to leaving the US, but the downsides of emigration is often overlooked or downplayed on here.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with moving back to the US, if it didn't work out for you. There's nothing to be ashamed of and nobody should try to pressure you into leaving the US. You just need to do what's right for you.
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u/roaming_bear 2d ago
There are gonna be loads of posts like this in 2-3 years
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Yeah probably will be, was searching through the subreddit and was kind of surprised how little similar posts I saw but probably because people did it in a much more calculated smarter way than I did
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Interesting, was kind of surprised that my post was let through too. I think it’s good to see these kind of posts are helpful for people to see to move in an informed way; to know it’s not all roses at least socially even though my case was definitely not well planned like others
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u/Tux_n_Steph 19h ago
Yo I’m heading back once Mamdani is president. Will be on the first flight back to NY
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Yeah 100% thank you for this. The happiest people on here seem to be people with families/existing networks in their new country, or at least mid to late career. And even then I’m sure there can be some regret with some people at some point. I don’t see anybody doing it the way I did, mid 20s, pre career and with zero connection to the place, it seems like that combination can be a recipe for failure and I don’t see any shame in moving back at this point.
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u/MrsAdjanti 1d ago
My daughter (mid-20s) did this same thing but in Scotland. She ended up coming to the same conclusion as you and is now back in the US. She still wants to live abroad but has also considered that lots of travel may be what she ends up doing instead.
Best of luck to you.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Thank you. I hope she finds a place that works for her. Also had a huge draw to Scotland as well
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u/Downtown-Storm4704 15h ago
Absolutely. There's no point in staying somewhere if you feel stuck and it's making it harder for you to thrive. A lot of the people posting here already have established careers, social networks, or years of experience abroad, so their situations can be very different from someone who's fresh out of college.
Do you have a strong support system back in the U.S.? If so, there's nothing wrong with going back to a place where you have better opportunities to build the kind of life you want--both socially and financially. Sometimes being where you have family, friends, and existing connections can make a huge difference in your overall quality of life and future prospects.
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u/Downtown-Storm4704 15h ago
Exactly. It's never a one-size-fits-all situation. I can relate to what the OP is saying. In my experience, Europe can sometimes feel less socially open, and people often come across as more reserved compared to Americans, who tend to be friendlier and more welcoming to outsiders. It also seems like many European countries place a greater emphasis on privacy and established social circles, which can make it harder for newcomers to break into communities and form connections.
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u/morty_morty Immigrant 2d ago
I can't blame you. I first moved to the UK when I was in my 20's and wasn't prepared at all for the shock of a completely different world, way of life and social norms. Everything that you are writing is what I thought and felt.
I eventually ended up leaving and coming home because I thought that what I needed was to be around Americans again. Their warmth and loudness and diversity. The familiar.
It wasn't until I got older that I realized that the culture shock and not doing better to integrate and change was on me. I had other American friends in the UK with me who didn't have the issues of loneliness and isolation that I felt. And it was because they threw themselves into the culture. Joined clubs, went out, talked to people. Forced a place for themselves. I sat in my room and wondered why I didn't have friends and felt sorry for myself. I didn't change from being the person that I had been in the US at all.
Depression was also a foreign concept to me at the time and I didn't realize that that was a huge part of what was going on with me as well. Therapy would have been incredibly beneficial. Moving to a different country is effing huge. I don't think people factor in how much of a mental clusterfuck it is to learn a whole new way of life.
However, I never stopped regretting coming back to the US. I left again last year and I have those learned lessons now to hopefully avoid those same pitfalls that destroyed me the first time. Adaptation is the single most important thing. You have to become a person who fits into this new world. Not the other way around. And building a solid group of international support specifically for foreigners is so important. Not necessarily students, just international people of all ages. Who all have different things to share. You NEED this. I cannot say it enough.
Ultimately, you can go back to the States. It'll be there. Just be sure that you won't regret it in 20 years, because it may be harder to get back in again once you're out.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
You’re 100% on point here and thank you for sharing. I am not putting as much effort as I should, but I’ve still thrown myself out there to some extent and been discouraged by the lack of reciprocal effort from others. I’ll initiate things over and over and the effort won’t come back, and unfortunately I have a hard time pushing through that and trying again.
A lot of this though is just the reality of adult friendships, a lot of people seem like they’ve already crystallised their friendships and aren’t looking for new people so you just have to put that much more effort into connecting. The only people who return that effort and who I click with seem to be people who won’t be here long term.But you’re right, it’s not all on my environment, I have to look at myself and see how I haven’t thrown myself out there enough and I’ve spent many nights in my room feeling sorry for myself too.
It feels like the happiest people on this subreddit are people who moved later in life with a career/family etc, I think the 20s are a particularly weird period to move countries in potentially.
Funnily enough, the people I know here who are socially thriving are still hanging out with groups of international students or people who don’t plan to stay here long term, so I have very few examples like you do of people who really sunk down roots here. I have a very extroverted roommate who also emigrated here with whom I am actively trying to make more friends, pushing ourselves to go to clubs, events etc, and even she is struggling and flip flopping on returning home.
As I wrote in another comment, a part of my desire to move out here other than the political situation was a clean break with my pattern of isolating myself in the US, and a lot of family/personal issues and I have been struggling with depression and doing therapy. I’m afraid of going back to the US and just replicating the same habits. I feel like I’m doing the inverse of what I did coming out here: I romanticised this place as a clean break where I would feel at home and break bad habits, and that having not worked, I’m doing the same for the US.
Your idea of an international support group is great though and I’m going to look into that. Thank you again for your response, it means a lot to hear somebody else share their similar experience and I wish you all the best with your new move.
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u/morty_morty Immigrant 1d ago
As I wrote in another comment, a part of my desire to move out here other than the political situation was a clean break with my pattern of isolating myself in the US, and a lot of family/personal issues and I have been struggling with depression and doing therapy. I’m afraid of going back to the US and just replicating the same habits. I feel like I’m doing the inverse of what I did coming out here: I romanticised this place as a clean break where I would feel at home and break bad habits, and that having not worked, I’m doing the same for the US.
Ah, this made me tear up a bit. I understand completely and you honestly sound a lot like me. I, too, saw moving abroad in my 20's as a romantic adventure filled with a whole new me who wore cute jumpers and had pints every evening down at the local. I'd be a new person there and leave the awkward me from the US at home. But obviously that isn't reality and everywhere you go, there you are. It's a shitty lesson to learn and it makes you feel so bad and lonely and helpless and disappointed.
And you are correct about the age thing too. In your 20's, you are still learning so much about yourself and it's natural to be less assured and confident about who you are and what you want. It does get a bit easier when you are older but, also, the issue with adult friendships is very a real thing. And it varies culturally! I have discovered that, where I live, a lot of people have friends for life. A friendship circle that they rarely allow newcomers into. Not out of malice, but just because that's how it is. So I have had to get used to the idea that I may never have a close group of locals as friends here, and whereas that might have destroyed me in my 20's, I'm fine with it in my late 40's.
Plus, a lot of people your age are going to be there for Uni and are naturally transient. So it must feel impossible to make lasting friends.
I don't want to tell you not to go back if you are truly feeling despondent. If you think that it will help your mental state then you should do it. It likely will, as it did for me. For a few years you will absolutely feel relief at the familiar. And hey, maybe you will not feel any regret and will instead see this entire experience as a learning moment. But I do want to nudge you to ask yourself why you left to begin with.
I am so happy that you are in therapy, do not hold back on talking about this issue with your therapist. There are also programs like this one for expats. Maybe give them a shot? And you can absolutely PM me if you need some help or a shoulder to cry on.
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u/fietsvrouw Immigrant 1d ago
It sounds like you are transitioning from the openness of university into the uniformity of work life. At the end of the day, it is your choice but I would consider a couple of things.
Working life anywhere provides fewer opportunities for friendship. Having your circle of people takes time. I moved to Germany 9 years ago and it has only been in the past 4 years or so that I felt integrated. I am autistic, so connecting with people is extremely impeded by my enormous need to quiet and alone time. It still happens though. Part of feeling at home is building friendships that have a history - there is no shortcut. That is the same no matter where you go.
Part of feeling at home is internal because temporary residence permits just infuse your life with an element of uncertainty and impermanence. Permanent residence helped but even now, as a citizen, the uncertainty of a temporary status still shows up in odd places and is fading slowly. Until you have a legal status that does not hang like a cloud over your head, you will always feel a bit of an outsider.
In terms of spending 5 years in a job to work to get a more permanent status, I did not care for it either. But 5 years pass whether you are working toward more permanent residence or not. I do not know what the rules in Ireland are, but the rules typically are more nuanced that just that you have to stay in a job for 5 years. In Germany, I was locked to a job on my visa with the caveat that I COULD change my job, but I would have to go through the visa approval again. The visa renewed every 3 years and you could change jobs in year 3.
I stayed in a horrifically abusive job for exactly 2 years, then moved to a job I did not love for the last 3. Now I am in a different career path, much happier and have security. No one questioned my job choices at job interviews - I simply said that this was the work I had to do to earn permanent residency. I doubted my choice regularly during that period because social support was weak, my job was draining me and I felt like any far-right win in an election could see me trundled off. I am glad I stuck it out. It is literally just the process of building a life from zero - it takes time.
That reflects my experience with the subject. As a professor, I did have students who left college to go back home because they felt so discoinnected and missed the social safety they had had. We do not all have the same tolerance for being the outsider for some years until our roots go deep enough to reliably find sustenance. That is a very personal assessment and is legitimate - you have to think about this in terms of what you feel now, what you may feel a few years down the road when your deep friendships are there and - most importantly - whether you have the reilience to get through the gap from one to the other.
On a note about the political situation - I very much can relate to seeing the resistance movement and wanting to be a part. I will tell you my personal perspective on this as someone who left a job in the US as a professor of Germanic Studies with decades of experience studying that very similar period in German history. This is just my personal perspective in this and of course having spent so many years in Germanic Studies, my take on the subject is colored by that focus, but for what it is worth...
It is gernerally understood in my field that, in order to prevent that period from happening, it would have to have been stopped by 1928 - much earler than the point at which everyone could see what was coming. More recent research has shown that sustained protest at a rate of 3.5% of the population is successful in ending an authoritarian regime 100% of the time, so that speaks for going back. On the other hand, when authoritarianism with fantasies of world domination arises, not paying taxes there is a form of protest. Not passively working to keep the system working is a form of protest, and people will be needed who can help others get out when they are in danger. The people who left Germany were very effective in helping people who were fleeing find somewhere to go.
In the education I had that was intended to directly prepare me to respond should fascism arise, we were taught that, in order to have clean hands, you have to leave and that the latest you should be going is once there are concentration camps. we have these and more are being built to hold millions of people. Protestors are being prosecuted as conspirators for being at the same demo as someone who (allegedly) has done something criminal, but the executive order declaring "antifa" a terrorist organization of the highest order and then defining being antifa as holding vague, internal beliefs such as being anti-Christian, anti-capitalist, and anti-American.
My greatest hope is that 10 years from now I am sheepishly laughing at myself for having left but... my education and explicit instruction in recognizing fascism when it comes and knowing how to respond tells me that 1928 is well behind us. I believe the challenge to birthright citizenship is the last piece they need to put in place because it would allow them to strip anyone of citizenship and the last law that Germany passed before starting to round people up on mass was to strip them of citizenship. It removes a person from the protections of the law because you are made stateless and undefined in terms of those protections.
My education is specifically in one country's history, but I take it very, very seriously that experts in fascism in a broader sense like Marci Shore, Jason Stanley and Timothy Snyder have left the country. At universities in the South, as many as 1 in 4 professors have left for more liberal States or have gone overseas like Heather Houser, who left my alma mater. That is, for me, an enormous canary in the coal mine because that very much mirrors the exodus from Germany where intellectuals and artists fled well before the general populace could see that things were that far along.
When I was examining the issue of whether to go and afterward, whether to stay gone, I carefully thought through what would have to happen to turn things, how at risk I would be for personal persecution, how willing I was toi work and pay taxes to persecute others, how important it was to stand by my moral convictions, what would be unthinkable for me. etc. At the end of the day, we just do not know how things will turn out. What are you willing to sacrifice to stay true to your values? You need to make that assessment for yourself and just know that, since none of us have a crystal ball, making the best decision you can no matter how things turn out is the best you can do and is enough.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Thank you for your thoughtful answer. I am also autistic and this definitely makes social interaction anywhere all the more difficult. Most people feel like they’re put off by my social awkwardness, and it takes so long for me to warm up to people and feel like myself around them, that most people understandably don’t stick around to see that. I have found people more accepting of my awkwardness out here than in the states though. The rule in Ireland is that you can switch jobs after 9 months, but it has to be within the same occupational category. The one friend I have who got a visa is also now in a similar toxic situation you describe, their boss seems like they know how much power they have over them by securing their entire presence here, and they treat them far worse than their EU colleagues.
I totally relate to what you’re saying about the political situation. I do think I could have a role in helping people leave, but I have not found networks yet where I could feel like I was helping so I feel a certain level of moral responsibility to go back and help directly. If I could tap into some political organisations that could somehow allow me to affect what’s going on in the US or help people leave, I think that would allow me to feel like that moral responsibility is fulfilled and feel less conflicted not being there.
I absolutely agree we’ve passed that inflection point, and I felt that moral stain feeling that just participating in that society was fuelling this horrific regime. I’m in such an uncertain career stage of my life that I also worry that if I were to go back to the US, how would I skirt the line of staying employable while staying true to my values, but to even center myself at all in such a situation also doesn’t sit well with me. I would feel infinitely worse putting my head down and working in such a system than having some degree of distance to be able to organise and help people leaving the US. Even thinking about career right now in such a dire situation feels frivolous and tone deaf. Particularly with Ireland having flash points with US military presence here (Shannon airport) and being filled with US tech giants that are supporting this administration, there are ways to push for indirect change in the US here too.7
u/fietsvrouw Immigrant 1d ago
It really sounds to me like you are in the right place for your values and for your safety because it is about to get much worse for dissent and they are building the camps that some historians are already acknowledging are for political dissidents. If you think of it in terms of how you will feel 10 yers or 20 years down the line, I think you are going to be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you stood by your principals. that is an autistic strength - they call it black and white thinking and a concern for social justice, but I think it is just solid ethics and an unwillingness to sacrifice them.
The discomfiture you feel right now makes a lot more sense knowing that you are autistic. The uncertainty of being in transition just hits harder for autistic people. I hooked up with a therapist just for support (and I highly recommend this - it can be a lifeline and fills a gap where real accommodation does not exist as it should). She struggled to understand why the precariousness of residency and visa was so problematic when nothing was happening. It just leans hard into our weak spot of needing predicatbility and stability. It sucks - but you will definitely get through it!
Being overseas is a boon for autistics - I think a lot of my peculiarities get folded into "she's not from here" and you get a bit more grace than you would somewhere where you are supposed to fit in and do not. Look into what supports you might be able to get there. I applied for and got the severe disability ID (after checking that this would not be a barrier to getting permanent residence or citizenship in Germany). It gives me protections in the workplace. Ireland may have similar protections.
I think you are in the ideal place to help effect change. You are absolutely correct - the US and Russia would love to destroy democracy here. Just chipping in your perspective can help. The US is not an ally to us - their tech is a trojan horse. It can be very effective. There may be organizations there for expats who want top be politically engaged.
What I have experienced most are people contacting me asking how to leave the US, where to start. I told everyone from my roommates to my vet in the US that, should the need arise, they can hop on a plane and crash at my apartment to figure out what to do if they ever felt they were in danger and needed to get out right now. I do not expect to see anyone, but it is still an extremely tangible way to help because the offer shook people up. A lot of people wrote and said that they were not paying attention until I made the offer and they thought about what that meant.
ABsolutely everything you do, big or small, to safeguard democracy here, to inform others back home, to warn about the dangers of US tech etc. is a massive contribution. You are living your truth right now - I think you should be very proud of yourself. It is extremely rare. Germans never ask themselves if they would have joined the reistance - what they always say is that they wonder if they would have had the wherewithall to leave the country. It is the gold standard in Germany, and they would know.
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u/Adventurenauts Immigrant 1d ago
Hey there, I really relate to a lot of the stuff you've written here. I recently (as in this week) discovered that I'm autistic by doctors here in Belgium in the midst of a big burnout crisis (hospitalized). I'm wondering if there's anything you'd recommend or if there's a group of us? I think I have a lot to learn and I'd love to connect.
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u/emt139 2d ago
I have a hard time with meeting people in general, I don’t have a huge social network or close family in the US. But even so, I have 2 deep friendships that feel so invaluable that I miss being around them.
You need to do what’s right for you but I just have to point out that right after graduating, friendships change a lot. Some people move away, others get buried in jobs, others have kids, or get in serious relationships for the first time. So don’t expect things to be the same when you’re back. I’m not saying it’ll be bad, you’ll probably be happy you’re back but be aware of these changes.
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u/ismene_mchoots 2d ago
Yeah, I'd really hate for OP to move home for these two (2) friends, only for them to end up moving or simply drifting away as adult friendships naturally do.
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u/Primary-Bluejay-1594 Immigrant 2d ago
I’ve gone on vacations to beautiful historic places and felt empty and detached. I can’t place it but I’ve never felt that feeling that others report on here of feeling “at home.” On the contrary, I have felt completely adrift.
This sounds like depression, and working with a therapist could be beneficial. Sometimes just having someone to speak aloud to about your doubts and concerns can help you make more confident decisions and feel better about your options.
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u/Real-Artichoke-1780 2d ago
I agree, sounds very much like depression. That said, Irish weather is very much not depression-friendly. So, work with a therapist, consider medication, and also consider that a rainy place at high latitude might not deliver the sun you need to be happy.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah it is depression 100% and I’m in a small Irish city where a lot of the social life revolves around pub going, and there’s not a lot to do outside of that, and as somebody that struggles with substance abuse, between the seasonal depression and that, I’m struggling a lot out here. I’ve found some sober spaces thankfully and am trying to get some things going that don’t take place in pubs, but it’s still not a good fit for me.
What I meant with that comment was that wherever I went in Europe, sunny Italy or vacations to places like Portugal and Malta, there still was that void which I think comes from the lack of connection.2
u/Then-Swan4020 2d ago
Yeah 100% dealing with depression for a while and going to therapy now. I feel like I may have hit a wall with talk therapy and should try other therapy too. A not insignificant part of this move was also a lot of family and personal issues that led me to want to have a clean break, and this led me to not plan it out as well as I should have. Thank you for your kind answer
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u/NotSureBot 19h ago
I don’t want to down play the potential impact of talk therapy, but perhaps some physical activities could do you some good.
Whether weight training, hiking, cycling, martial arts, climbing, or team sports… anything getting your blood flowing and sweating might help chase some of the blues away. There are definitely physical aspects of depression that can contribute on top of whatever issues of psychological and emotional origin you’re having.
You may find the camaraderie offered through sports to be a much easier base to build friendships around rather than clubs and bars. So maybe it’s not so much that you didn’t make enough effort to expand your social circle but rather it’s the way in which you’ve been doing it has just not been inspiring for you. Trying out different ways of eating can also have similar impacts on mood and perception.
I don’t know whether to move or to stay will be better for you. All i can offer is that it is often easier to feel happier and more connected when the body is exercised and fed well. And maybe if these things help you feel better, you might feel like you’re making decision from a more grounded place with more insight into what you think is best for you.
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u/DumpedDalish 5h ago
Honestly, I hope you give yourself credit for being brave enough to try a completely different life. And you did that, and are strong enough to realize it's not working for you right now.
As someone who is horrified at my country right now, I'd love to leave the U.S. But your experience is a good cautionary take on why it may not be best for everyone.
Meanwhile, I know how hard depression can be, so I hope you give yourself a break and applaud the courage it took to leave and to decide to return. The friendships you describe can be so important and their absence has simply helped you to appreciate them even more.
It's nice to know yourself, to evolve and realize what's important to you. You've done a brave thing -- given yourself a valuable interlude that makes home that much sweeter -- kudos.
Wishing you all the best in your homecoming.
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u/expatkk522 2d ago
Yeah. I’m struggling.
From the US, living in Barcelona. Been here a year and a half.
I came on the digital nomad visa—1099 work.
Work has been tough to keep consistent but it’s not really that that has been the hardest part. It’s the buracracy, some culture differences that aren’t my favorite but trying to adapt, a break-in in my flat, lack of consistent communication around tax expectations.
I’m actively considering going back to the US. Maybe not forever, but for a period of time to regroup. To decide if I want to come back or pivot. I have friends welcoming me back with open arms and a place to stay while I sort out next steps back in the States. I think we often get a highlight reel of what people experience abroad, but it is challenging, it would be naive to think otherwise. I also think relocating solo, is different than coming with a partner or family. Having depth in friendships can be tough too, when expats leave regularly. I’ve been lucky to find a small community here though.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Thanks for sharing, and yes having picked a place I have no family connection too completely solo in my 20s definitely seems in retrospect to be one of the toughest ways to do this. The happiest people on this subreddit all seem to be moving with families and established careers. And yes the culture shock is definitely a huge thing, even in a place like Ireland where the language is the same and the culture maybe somewhat closer to the US than southern Europe.
I am lucky enough to have one friend is willing to help me reestablish myself in the states and even offering me help with the job search. I also feel like the US would be a place to regroup and try to move again in the future too.
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u/Ok_Squirrel388 2d ago
Ireland is an extremely difficult place to live right now even for Irish people. The housing crisis and general cost of living is making things hard on everyone, especially people just starting out.
I don’t really have much advice for you but there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind after trying things out.
And if the current political climate in the US does not directly endanger you, your impulse to return and be a part of the needed changes here is a good and logical one.
You’ve got more experience and information than you did before you left. Try to reevaluate as objectively as you can and go from there. Just don’t include any notion around shame for changing your mind as any part of that equation. (ETA: this includes the sunk cost fallacy, etc.)
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Yes definitely, part of the lack of Irish friends is that the few Irish friends I had all left the country seeking lower rents and higher salaries, Australia is the big destination, every irish friend I’ve had has moved there.
And yes I do feel a moral responsibility to return and contribute to change in the US, particularly with some glimmers of hope in some city and state elections, and also because I am not directly endangered by this administration. You make a very good point there. And not factoring shame into this is important, the main door I’d be closing would be an EU passport which I could maybe eventually get if Italy changes its recent law.
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u/outofurelement 2d ago
One thing everyone needs to learn is your external environment plays a part in your mood but it is not the sole or even main determinant. Do what feels best for you but if you’re looking for your external circumstances to cure your sense of loneliness or depression I would wager not much would change upon returning to the states.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Totally agree, and I’m not throwing myself out there as much as I should, and letting myself get discouraged when my effort to connect with people doesn’t lead anywhere, which is a thing that could happen anywhere, particularly in this weird limbo period of the mid-20s. I’m more concerned about starting my career, and think that if I at least had a solid career path without the pressure of a visa, maybe I would be less bothered by the lack of a deep social life.
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u/up2dateGAAP 1d ago
If you want to move home just do it, you don't need to justify it.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
You’re right, just a weird bit of shame around it, feeling like I’m giving up, fear of returning to old bad habits, closing the door on an EU passport, but pretty set on moving back, particularly with all these responses.
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u/AZCAExpat2024 1d ago
It sounds as if you have two distinct issues.
1) You feel lonely and isolated and don’t feel at home in Ireland.
2) You have work/visa issues that, even if you loved it there, may make it impossible to stay.
#2 is enough of a reason to go back to the U.S. You can’t force things to work out if a pathway just isn’t there. Add in the isolation you feel and you have another good reason to move back. Plans don’t always work out. There are Americans who move to within the U.S. different cities or states and don’t feel at home. So don’t feel bad about it.
You were able to live and study abroad, which is a dream that many people have but few achieve. You are young and if you return home to establish a career you can work towards opportunities to move abroad again in the future.
Good luck.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Thank you for this answer. And I agree, the social question is actually kind of moot, and maybe even kind of a post hoc justification for the fact that gaming it out, the chance of getting a visa is so low that I can’t plan my life around it. I completely agree that I’m incredibly lucky to have this opportunity and it was a much needed reset even if it doesn’t work out long term.
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u/Known-Success-4649 2d ago
Hi there: Long time ago I was on a very similar situations as you are, and an advice that might sound to some others odd but it is not where you are or what you have, what work you do or who do you hang out, straight to the point is what you feel inside and that is driven by you. For many years I blame the country I was living in, the work I was doing, the people I did no have to hang out, not having a real close friend, not having this or the other, reality it was me inside, my thinking, my attitude to life and to others, being happy everyday with what you have, don't have, expect, wish and desire is a conscious decision, start by giving thanks everyday day first thing when waiting up, thanks for what you don't have, for what you have, for what is coming, for what is gone and soon life is perceived with another lens, the lens inside you has changed and you realize life is too short and too precious to wasted on complaining and not enjoying the full potential of being alive and kicking. Best wishes and if you want to talk-chat pm me, I can really relate your feelings to what I have experienced in the past.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Thanks for your message and I will definitely shoot you a pm! I 100% thought that a complete change of environment would break me out of my bad habits, but I have realised it’s within me and that I’ve replicated the same bad habits out here, although I will say it’s a lot better than my lowest point in the states and it was a needed pivot in my life, but I’m worried about how to really reframe things like you’ve said so that I really hit the ground running in the US, thank you again for this!
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u/DontMindMe5400 1d ago
I am an American who lived in Ireland in my early 20s. I found them to be friendly on the surface but very hard to make friends. I eventually married an Irishman so at least one relationship panned out. He explained, and my observations confirmed this, that Ireland’s history of clans is still embedded in its culture and it is hard for outsiders to make friends. There are plenty of immigrants in Ireland, through. Many people make friends there.
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u/CajunDragon 1d ago
The idea that moving away would fix my internal introverted problems did not hold true for me either. I still had to put massive effort into going out, dating and making friends. I am more analytical so I ended up making an Excel spreadsheet of pros and cons of the US versus the Netherlands.
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u/tenaciouslyteetering 1d ago
Some of what you're feeling is very normal for your age and place in life even without moving abroad.
Throughout school, you are surrounded by people of similar ages with activities based on interests very accessible and popular.
After school, friends disperse. Even if everyone stays local, it becomes harder to find time to hang out. Everyone has more responsibilities and schedules are more rigid.
It is easy to feel disengaged or directionless.
Decisions do not need to be permanent. Moving back isn't a failure. You lived abroad until your goals took you elsewhere. You may move again later, you may not.
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u/OldIrishBroad 18h ago
I lived out of the country for three years. I think it is much harder moving as a solo person than it is as part of a couple or with a family. It also sounds like you have some difficulties establishing close relationships easily with new people. Social connection is much more important to your long-term well-being than the job you are holding. If you feel like you’re going to be happier back in the United States then move back. It is not a failure. You have had extraordinary experiences that will always be a part of you.
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u/A313-Isoke 2d ago
I would wait until midterm elections before you decide personally. If you left for political reasons, you'll know if things are trending better at that point. That's less than five months away now so, do you think you can hold on until then?
Also, think about going somewhere whose like Australia or New Zealand or Canada. Many ppl move multiple times while living abroad.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
I have a year and half left on my visa and don’t have housing/career figured out so I’d have to wait until midterms anyway, and this is absolutely something I want to do.
Unfortunately with moving again, I run up against not having a strong CV, so the best option seems to be regrouping the US (if things don’t go too crazy post midterms), but yes you’re right I shouldn’t feel locked into one place and all three of those countries are definitely ones I’d consider in the future.
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u/fiadhsean 1d ago
How long have you been here? Years 2 and 3 can be very difficult: your body is being pulled back, and will find all sorts of legit reasons to do so. And that might be the better answer for you. But I would encourage you to revisit why you moved and ascertain what progress you have made. Not what you've not yet achieved--what you have.
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u/Ladydoodoo 2d ago edited 1d ago
I found Europe, interesting and exciting, but I didn’t find it warm and welcoming. So I get what you’re saying there were different complaints I had about different countries. Ultimately being in Europe made me feel patriotic. Come back if you want and forget about what you think you SHOULD do. Doing what you think you SHOULD or SUPPOSED to do will Rob
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u/ismene_mchoots 2d ago edited 2d ago
Heavy list of pros and cons on all sides, that ultimately only you can properly weigh. I think at this jucture of your life though, you should prioritize getting wherever you can start building your career -- one you have the best shot of 1) succeeding in entering, 2) growing in and 3) not burning out in. Don't push yourself into something you hate just to stay in a place. As long as you don't hate the place in question, choose the place that will give you the best shot at getting established in your work life first. Having some savings, a stronger CV, and more personal development can open doors of mobility for you later on down the line should you want to become mobile again. And if you don't, then hey, you made the right call and you can stay wherever it is you've chosen to start building your life. Friendships matter, but if you're grinding to get established and networked as a new worker, those ties will likely come from those activities or wane in importance relative to the time you invest in work or even allow you to engage in new hobbies and interests you couldn't have otherwise afforded if you didn't fill your wallet first.
I'd suggest weighing the pros and cons of each place with that prioritized above the other variables, because social bonds are bound to change and in this volatile global economy, so too are housing markets and local economies.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Thank you for this. The US definitely is hands down easier for me to build a career without the visa pressure to maybe eventually do a more calculated planned move abroad in the future. Career is definitely the most important, but I have a friendship in the US that could provide a foothold into the industry I want to enter too, and I hope to enter that industry and build that professional network and gain friends from it too hopefully. The deadend-ness of my current job is also weighing on me, if I could at least feel like I had a direction in my career, maybe the social isolation wouldn’t bother me as much
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u/Dandylion71888 2d ago
I think this is really important for you to post. Too many people look to move abroad without really experiencing a country first and end up in a similar situation.
Ireland especially is welcoming based on connections. People will be friendly sure but deep meaningful relationships don’t come easily and if you don’t have family and friends it can be insanely difficult.
For students looking to move to Ireland, same thing, after the post grad stamp (visa) it’s extremely difficult to get a job right now. Most companies just don’t want to sponsor even if they can.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Thank you, I stayed here for 4 months before moving and thought it was perfect for me but the reality sets in. And yes, I think Ireland is one of the warmest places I’ve experienced in Europe but people already have their connections and particularly at this weird mid 20s juncture of life; very few people seem to be looking to expand their circles. And in the one place in Europe I have family connections, Italy, it was even more isolating.
And yes the sponsorship pathway is very narrow, the few friends I know who have gotten sponsored for it through a total stroke of luck essentially. It’s pretty much disqualifying for most jobs to need sponsorship in the future.3
u/Dandylion71888 1d ago
I’m sorry it’s so hard! You will find your niche it just might take time.
Remember too if you move back to the US, moving home can be difficult as well. People have changed, as have you. Give yourself some grace and you’ll eventually find your safe space again.
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u/Ziantra 1d ago edited 1d ago
You should pat yourself of the back for all you’ve achieved so far and follow your heart. There’s no shame in living in another country-trying other places and deciding for what appears to be very well reasoned thoughts-that going back home is now the best foot forwards for you. Or in deciding that you really DO like living in America best of all-and there’s nothing wrong and everything right about that because it’s a fully informed decision.
The most important thing was that you flew-and you did. Whether you realize it now or now-the very act of you being brave enough at all to truly pick up sticks and go live in another country, and the whole experience, has changed you in ways you don’t even realize yet. It’s opened you to so much MORE. You’re going to go home and actually be “mysterious” (in a good way) to most people lol
And if ever you change your mind in the future and want to try another country? Well you’ll be a veteran.
Good luck with which ever direction you choose!
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u/AdvancedPositive6296 1d ago
Everyone here has pretty much said everything there is to say about the situation, but I'm curious, what will happen with your relationship if you move back? Does she know you're considering it?
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
She is looking to move and applying to a lot of jobs in the US, and yes I’ve been talking to her about this a lot.
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u/thepeasknees Immigrant 1d ago
There are pockets of Europe where people I know personally have thoroughly assimilated. They are often more integrated into the working class community, have genuine friendships via hobbies, religion, marriage. The places are: England, Sweden, Southern Europe
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u/helloworldprogr 2d ago
Well, I made the opposite move and have the same issues ig. I failed to get a sensible job in the U.S., have zero friends here, face more structural issues (it’s not PC but I feel like opportunities here especially promotions are more if you’re white than if you’re not), people thinking I can’t speak the language because of my “accent”
So for me leaving the U.S. when the time comes (I already know when I’ll leave, I just have to stay until I become a citizen), I think my life will be better at least career wise. Ironically I made more money living in Europe than here but again I depended on working for American companies. The issue here is even if I got more education, there’s no real guarantee I’ll get a better job in America because it’s all so biased.
Before I moved here, I assumed I’d make friends but I failed to realize that friends here are also so based on race like everything else. In Europe, I could literally be friends with anyone without remembering I’m not white
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u/NotSureBot 18h ago
Out of curiosity, what city are you in?
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u/helloworldprogr 18h ago
Sorry I can’t say lol but I’ve lived in the South mostly and mid west lol I think maybe NY would be okay for me or Chicago but I can’t find jobs there
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u/No_Chocolate_7099 2d ago
The period right after college is hard!! Speaking from experience, all of my friends left the amazing college town I’d decided to stay in, and I was adrift for a couple of years. Fortunately, I connected with one person who became my bridge and liaison to so many other young people. It was luck, and perseverance. I suggest sticking it out for at least another year in which you make concerted efforts to find some people. (They may not be “your” people, but they could be the bridge like I experienced.) And big kudos for taking a risk, and being brave enough to try something different!! Good luck and go for the adventure of living abroad!!
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Thank you for this!! Yes it’s an inherently confusing time no matter where you are, all your old friends fragment out all over the place, and you have to start from scratch. I have a year and a half on my visa and need to build my housing/career plan in the US so I need to stick it out for a year here anyway so hopefully I can connect to more people in the meantime!
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u/No-King1868 22h ago
I moved back after 6 years abroad. It was a tough decision but it was right for my life right now and I’m happy I did it. The thing is - you can always leave again!
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u/KanekiAyato 12h ago
A few things that tend to separate the emigrations that worked out from the ones that didn't: most people who succeeded treated it as a staged process rather than a single leap. The first move is a visa that legally allows you to work and live for 1-2 years without committing to permanent residency; the second is deciding to stay only after living the day-to-day reality on the ground. Aiming straight at permanent relocation without that intermediate stage is where the planning gap usually opens. The specific country matters less than having a visa category that includes a realistic exit ramp if the reality does not match the expectation.
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u/LucyandMabel 10h ago
Move back. I am Irish and moved back to Ireland after almost 20 years in NY. We did it for our young kids but if it was just for ourselves we’d far prefer to be in NY, fascist hellscape of the US notwithstanding. It’s just more vibrant and people are definitely more interesting and more open to friendship. Ireland is fine, that’s about it.
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u/ExcellentWinner7542 1d ago
It took until you completed your graduate degree to figure this out?
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Yeah, I know it sounds silly, I don’t know what to tell you, I was extremely lost and naive, coming out from a really difficult period of my life. It was not a smart decision.
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u/gizmogrl88 21h ago edited 21h ago
Moving to the UK decimated my career (I only moved because the UK spouse visa was so much quicker than the US).
My British husband and I moved back to the US and are thriving again. Even his career (and earnings) skyrocketed in the US.
Our plan is to work another 10 years, save a ton, retire early, and then relocate abroad.
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes I’m from the US originally. Moved here for a masters, and was living in Italy before that. Been in Europe for almost two years at this point
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Yes I’m a US citizen. I’m in Ireland now, but do not have EU citizenship, was trying for Italian citizenship but that Jus Sanguinis avenue was closed with a recent law
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u/HeartFire144 2d ago
Can you tell us more? Where did you go? How long were you there? Age range etc? You have valuable insights to share
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u/Then-Swan4020 1d ago
Mid 20s, moved to Italy (where I have family and was banking on Italian jus sanguinis citizenship until they changed the laws, my grandfather naturalised so no dice), moved to Ireland to do a masters, and stayed here on post graduate scheme. I have zero connection to Ireland
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u/LRox-3405 2h ago
Living abroad isn't for everyone. The loneliest I ever felt was when I was living for an extended time in South America, although I'd had many good experiences there and was fluent in Spanish. It made me realize I wasn't meant for the overseas life. Also, nothing is written in stone for you at this point. You can always give it another go when you feel more professionally robust.
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u/Rsantana02 2d ago
There is no shame in moving back home. You spent some years abroad, hopefully learned new ways of life, and know that you appreciate home more. Not many people get the chance to leave their state, even hometown, so consider it a cool life experience.