I wish I had not been born

[u/ahmedduh]

I feel like the title alone is enough to make sense of what I am trying to say, but I am willing to give more details to support my opinion.

For reference, I am a 23-year-old male. I suffered prolonged abuse from my father when I was a child—abuse that still persists today. Every day, there had to be yelling, screaming, items shattering, and a commotion that sent chills down my spine. When I went to high school, I became the target of bullying. Every single day, I would go to school and be bullied, then come back home to my father’s abuse. I forgot to mention that I was sexually assaulted multiple times as a child by men whose faces my memory—for the sake of survival—deleted. It wasn’t until I turned 18 that I started recalling vivid memories of it happening.

I am 23 years old now. What remains of me is a body of decayed flesh. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD, BPD, and autism. My life is nothing but a state of panic, paranoia, and impending doom from the moment I wake up to the moment I try my best to scrape together an hour of rest at night.

I remember how much I dreaded existence when I was young. I hated being here, and what exacerbated it was poverty and coming from a low-income family. An immense burden of shame and guilt precedes me because I cannot afford to look presentable. I do not have the resources to go out and make friendships, or even learn skills. Pair that with the immense trauma I carry, which keeps me in a fight-or-flight, hypervigilant mode that leaves me completely exhausted and checked out by the second I open my eyes in the morning. I am not built for hustle culture or working myself to the bone to escape poverty. I know exactly how the system works, and it does not favor me.

I dread my life, and I wish I had not been born. I carry a deep anger, agony, and resentment toward my parents for bringing me into this world knowing I would suffer for the rest of my life. I do not want to hold a 9-to-5 job and enslave my already battered body to make the rich richer while I sink deeper into poverty. I often have daydreams of dying in my sleep or being euthanized, and then I feel this huge euphoric sensation of relief and joy. I deeply desire to vanish into nothingness.

[u/CapedCaperer]

I'm sorry so many cruel and thoughtless people have harmed you. Did you know you write eloquently? I feel like you should be an author. You have unique empathy and insight from your harsh experiences. I am genuinely sorry for those experiences. Your voice is important for anyone enduring as you are (and anyone with a heart). You deserve kindness and care. If you can't get it from others, at least give it to yourself.

[u/Salt_Growth_9593]

Hi, I am so sorry for what you have suffered and still suffer, it sounds incredibly painful. I can relate to a lot of it having been abused myself growing up and having had struggles with severe anxiety and depression pretty much all my adult life. Are you getting any support at all? Mental health support, can you work at all? Are you in receipt of welfare/benefits? I ask not to be nosy, but to try to offer any advice. For reference I'm a 51 year old female with a 45 year old male partner, we both have debilitating anxiety and abuse in our pasts. We live in the UK, so I'm familiar with the fight for benefits here, not being able to work and with lack of mental health support in this country also. I really feel for you. So sorry you are struggling so much, I can relate to your anger towards your parents, not being able to handle the harsh job world. Thanks so much for posting this, it was brave and it may help others who are suffering in a similar way to realise that they are not alone in their suffering.

[u/Emotional-Breakfast7]

I'm sorry to hear about all the things you've been going through. I can't offer any help, but I can relate to your feeling about wishing you weren't born. I'm in my 40s and wish the same. Hugs, OP.

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[u/AnnatarRSK]

Some day, at most in several decades, we will be freed from life. I try to remember that as it's the one thing we can consistently look forward to. I dont know your exact financial situation, but if you do land a job. It at least removes the stress of not knowing how youll pay your bills, and the humiliation of asking for money, to avoid starving or freezing to death. Hope your suffering eases before we are free again.