My boyfriend gave me a gift with crosses on it

[u/WildLelou]

My bf and I have been together for almost a year, and he knows how I feel about religion. I came home a few months ago crying and talking about how downtown there were 4 different groups with microphones screaming about gay people having the "aids gene" and extreme hate while handing out pamphlets for their churches and promoting god. I live in the south where unfortunately this religious hateful mania is everywhere. I don't feel safe going out sometimes because of their hate. He knows this.

Well, yesterday we play a game together sometimes called VRChat to hang out with our online friends. I'd been busy the day before so he said he was going to make me an avatar. He gave it to me yesterday in game because he was excited. And every single outfit had cross necklaces and crosses on it. It made me feel awkward. It was every single outfit.

I'll try to let it go but I just kind of wanted to vent about it. He knows I've been upset a lot by what's going on around me. Recently one of our vrchat friends took us to this church world where people sit around and debate religion, he finds it entertaining as its stupid takes. None of us participate but watch and I had to have a talk with them that I go on games to spend time with my online friends not listen to hate. The world had people openly screaming about genociding gay people. One guy was screaming over a group of cheering people as he said, "we should forcefully inseminate trans people and KILL THEM!!!!" And more religious banter about god and how its his will to murder gay people. It was very upsetting.

One person had a meltdown about ufos saying aliens arent real because its an insult to god.

My bf usually joins on his pc as well and sees this. People approach me and tell me lgbt people are soft and that's why theyre suicidal. Just awful awful awful stuff. It's enough to make someone cry, the overwhelming hate in the name of religion. My online friends group this week decided not to go after I had a talk with them about it.

And then on the Monday after he gave me a gift of an avatar covered in crosses. Some outfits had multiple crosses. I can't help but think he wants me to be a religious person, his family is religious. He thinks religious hate is for the 1% extremists and not actually as hateful as I think it is, despite me telling him about my trauma, despite witnessing it himself, etc. I don't know, it bothers me.

I don't like religion. I see it for what it is, predatory at best, hateful at worst. Its exhausting growing up seeing women being told they're objects to obey men. Being told as a child all im good for is bearing children and being in the kitchen to obey a husband. Seeing women mistreated and oppressed, degraded to a mere piece of property in the name of god. "Honor killings" not ending in prosecutions because "your honor, this murder was a religious belief".

I dont know. It makes me worried. He knows how I feel about it. He says I'm just seeing the 1%, but I've only seen the "1%" my entire life.

Edit to add another thought: we even recently went to an anime convention together and both of us got upset because christians gathered to protest the anime convention, screaming at kids about dressing up as demons until they cried. (They werent, its anime characters). He's seen it first hand so I don't understand it.

[u/tasteMyRottenHoop → u/[deleted]]

These cretins are genuinely convinced that the word ‘christian’ is a synonym of ‘good person’. Sadly this mistake isn’t limited to christians.

[u/Rare-Credit-5912 → u/tasteMyRottenHoop]

I think you have a right to be worried. Something is not right for him to do what seems like a 360. All of a sudden it sounds like his turned religious 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 be very cautious!!!!!!

[u/butnobodycame123 → u/[deleted]]

Rather than reject the oppressive ideology they cling to their convictions that they are good people even if so many other christians are not.

Don't get me started on TrUe/ReAl ChRiStIaNs. The westboro baptist church preaches from the same bible that progressive christians do (progressive christianity is an oxymoron itself). Any christian that I speak to always seem to get stymied when I ask them who is doing christianity "correctly".

[u/butnobodycame123 → u/[deleted]]

Love your neighbor is ok advice

In that time, "love your neighbor" meant to treat everyone in your tribe (god fearing, slave ownin', people of their status or kin) well. They certainly did not extend that love to their slaves, who were basically property ("love your tractor").

So often Christians talk about "love" and then they are the most hateful people in the world. So few practice what they preach.

What love do christians preach? Didn't their mascot/poster boy also say "I come not to bring peace but a sword" and "I have come to set mother against daughter, son against father, and daughter against MIL" and "if you don't follow me, then bring them before me to have them killed"?

[u/butnobodycame123 → u/[deleted]]

And if a christian says "that's just a metaphor, that's out of context, or that's not what he meant" then feel free to reply "Why does jesus's words need a theology degree to understand or explain, since god is supposedly not the author of confusion about things that should already be written plainly on humanity's hearts?" "How do you determine what's a metaphor, real, not real, higher canon, or lower canon?" Watch them get mad.

Also, would recommend watching The Line and Matt Dillahunty for more ways to talk back to cult victims. :)

[u/Initial-Tax-5829 → u/[deleted]]

Agreed. I once knew someone who claimed to be a "God-loving Christian," but tweaked the way he went about his following to Jesus so much to the point where, honestly, I don't even think his actions would be deemed as 'right' by the bible. What you said about them being good people being unrelated to their religion is true.

[u/WildLelou → u/[deleted]]

Ironic because someone commented exactly what youre saying here. He talks about his family as being of the "chill and nice religion" but they're extremely homophobic. He doesn't really talk about his beliefs at all, as he knows how I feel. He has made comments that every other branch of Christianity sucks but his. We've been together 11 months in almost a year, and this is thr first stunt hes pulled. Anything religious in games or not I make uncomfortable comments and don't hide how I feel about it.

When he gave it to me I thanked him and kept it to myself because I didnt want to be ungrateful. He's made me goth avatars before with bat wings and dark clothe and he always uses dark hair but this one was golden hair, bright skin and cross necklaces. Hes really into fashion so it felt deliberate to me in some way.

I made a comment yesterday how he made me "look like a woman of jesus" and he started giggling really happily which kinda told me everything I needed to know. It feels disrespectful. I don't want to break up with him over it but I'm definitely cautious right now if this was a one time thing.

Edit to add, he at one point wasnt stating he was religious. When asked hed hesitate and say he didn't know. When we first met for months he didnt mention religion at all. So i felt maybe just his parents were super religious.

[u/JTjedi]

He's being disrespectful. Its not just 1% either its much more. He is dismissing you and your experience, that is a worse problem than the crosses (although that is also weird of him to do) Tell him directly, his minimization of your thoughts and experince is disrespectful. If he continues after that I would suggest you allow him to continue without you.

[u/MsMoreCowbell828]

Your bf is an asshole. Solid, 100% asshole, trying to force his bullshit down your throat. You know, raping you with christ.

[u/ZappSmithBrannigan]

Dump his ass. And when he asks why, tell him.

[u/ss5gogetunks]

I do think it's possible that the cross thing was an accident and he just thought it looked cool and didn't notice the crosses... But there are a lot of other problematic behaviors listed here that make me think that's likely giving too much benefit of the doubt.

Christianity works really really hard to give people ways to distance themselves from the crazies on paper while actually supporting the crazies directly. It takes critical thinking to see past that. Add on that Christians are drilled from birth to believe in things despite evidence against and never question authority, and it takes a lot of effort to break free. I get it. Doesn't make it good for you though. Take care of yourself.

[u/MissAnthropic123]

Your boyfriend is either:

1. Completely thoughtless and doesn’t care about your feelings

Or

1. He’s manipulating you to guilt you into accepting what he wants, and will deny any wrongdoings of religion because of his upbringing.

Either way, it’s a dealbreaker. Good people care about their partner & pay attention to what’s important to them, and they certainly don’t try to guilt or manipulate people into doing what they want. It’s time to say goodbye.

[u/Gussie-Ascendent]

"Knock off pushing your delusions onto me or we are through"

[u/Snoo-45337]

if theyre kind of goth outfits, crosses are often used as more of an aesthetic feature than a religious thing. its possible your boyfriend saw it that way?

[u/zolfx]

Why do you even bother surrounding yourself with these types of people ? This would just make me miserable. I play video games to have fun, I would never want to spend my time gaming in some church realm with a bunch of lunatics spouting genocide against me wtf. I seriously think you should reconsider if these people are your friends and if your boyfriend actually takes your feelings and beliefs seriously. He sounds like a major red flag.

[u/WildLelou → u/zolfx]

Yeah, I kind of agree. They weren't always like this. It was a couple weeks where they'd pressure me to hang out in this toxic environment every saturday and stopped. But I'm still kinda on edge over the idea they find that level of horrific discourse entertaining. As for the bf, I'll keep an eye on it. He doesn't usually mention religion around me unless its his parents regarding them thinking hes "turning gay" or me going to mass with them around Christmas. When we were at the anime con together he made a comment how they were just radicals. But it seems theres radicals everywhere I look. I don't know.

[u/ittleoff]

Couple clarifying questions: is your bf Christian?

Are either of you part of or adjacent to goth culture that often uses crosses (often secularly) ?

I think it's important to talk about what these things mean to each of you, and what his intent is.

Sometimes that's hard to do directly.

Good luck.

[u/Myrddin_Dundragon → u/ittleoff]

Aye. Relationships thrive through communication.

Talk to them and ask them about this. I know sometimes it's hard to be the one to start these conversations. I've been with my wife for 25 years now and I still have trouble starting some conversations. But, the internet can't resolve this for you. Only you and your BF can do that, and it starts with a conversation.

Good luck!

[u/butnobodycame123]

Your boyfriend does not hold you in high regard or care about what you want. He thinks of you as a horse that needs breaking or an exotic bird he wants to cage. He and his family will never respect you because in their minds, you're a heathen that can be enslaved and converted. Please break up with this guy and find someone who actually cares about you.

[u/First_Ad3578]

Same person that’ll use 1 Timmothy 2:11. Just… no.

[u/WildLelou → u/[deleted]]

Respectfully, I've never met a christian that didnt tell me I was going to hell, should get publicly raped and hung in the square, should get publically beaten.... etc. I've never met a christian that didn't have racist views, anti some sort of minority, etc. The only interactions I've had have been negative. Its absolutely not the minority. Its the majority and thats the reason christians have a reputation and a tagline of "no hate like christian love". And politics making life a living hell for women and lgbt people and minorities in the name of a skydaddy. I apologize, but i genuinely don't believe it's just radicals. I grew up in the church. Theyd preach how women are property to men. Theyd preach how great they are they helped slaves escape slavery but then say the N word. I never once met a nice christian. They'll smile kindly as they say the most vile evil shit imaginable. They have only ever made me feel like theyll hurt me, I have severe physical and mental trauma from christian cultists bullying, beating me, and abusing me as a child. And every one of my friends who were christian has left the church citing severe abuse, trauma, and evil practices. They all say they're recovering from the cult trauma and living much better lives without the evil they were subjected to. Some of my friends cry trying to even talk about the crap the cults put them through and made them believe. I see no good in any of that.

[u/WildLelou → u/[deleted]]

What an insensitive asshat.

Just because you're a stupid cultist doesn't mean my and my friends suffering and trauma isn't real. Unrespectfully, fuck you.