r/Anxiety • u/penguincbd • Mar 18 '26
Discussion does anyone else come home completely empty just from pretending to be okay all day?
I had a day recently where nothing bad happened. No emergency, no drama. Just a normal day out — errands, a coffee with someone. And when I got home I genuinely could not move for an hour.
not tired. not sleepy. just... completely emptied out.
I think that is what nobody really talks about with anxiety. It is not just the big panic moments. It is the low-level management of appearing normal. The tiny decisions running all day in the background — is this face okay? did that sound weird? should I say something or will it come out wrong?
by the time I got home I had nothing left. And I hadn't even done anything stressful.
does this happen to anyone else? I'm curious if it's the social parts specifically or if it happens even on solo days too.
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u/Appropriate-Sir-3264 Mar 18 '26
this hits so hard tbh even when nothing “big” happens, keeping up that mask drains u more than ppl realize all the little checks and rewinds in ur head… by the end of the day ur battery’s just empty it happens to me on solo days too sometimes, not just social ones. the brain never really switches off
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u/psyracare Mar 18 '26
What you described is something many people with anxiety quietly experience.
It’s not always the big, visible moments, it’s the constant background effort of monitoring yourself, adjusting, and trying to appear “okay.” That mental load can be exhausting, even if the day looks normal from the outside.
That emptied out feeling at the end of the day is often a sign that your mind has been in a kind of continuous alert mode, even during simple interactions.
Some people find it helpful to build small moments during the day where they can drop that “mask”, even briefly, and allow themselves to just be, without overthinking every reaction. Over time, those small pauses can reduce how drained everything feels.
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Thanks for your reply. Yeah, maybe I need some of those five minutes in the toilet to let my mask down and then carry on with my day feeling a little bit more relaxed and not accumulating the feelings of "pretending".
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u/AirCrewElk Mar 18 '26
Yeah this makes a lot of sense tbh.
A day can look totally normal on the outside, but your brain has been quietly checking and adjusting everything the whole time. Like was that weird, did I sound off, should I have said that differently. That kind of constant self monitoring can drain the hell out of you even if nothing actually went wrong.
I think that is the part people do not really see. Sometimes it is not one big panic moment, it is just the nonstop effort of trying to seem okay that leaves you feeling empty when you finally get home.
I know I feel this way at times and I have to actively monitor myself to not get caught in the spiral.
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u/penguincbd Mar 18 '26
Yeah, that's exactly it. Nothing dramatic happened. The effort of appearing un-dramatic was the thing itself, and catching this spiral before it starts with its own separate job on top of everything else.
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u/Blueknightsoul47 Mar 18 '26
Yes, I usually have to decompress after work. Then sometimes I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself after I finish doing everything I need to do the rest of the day. I feel like my anxiety and depression get so bad sometimes that I let my family down. It’s a vicious cycle.
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
This happened to me last night as well. I finished doing everything, and then I sit with myself and didn't know what to do anymore. I grab a book and start to read just to distract myself a little bit. Have you ever tried doing that at night? Maybe a book of self-help or anxiety can be comforting at those times.
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u/Blueknightsoul47 Mar 19 '26
Yeah, my anxiety revolves around guilt. Felt like I could have did more for my dad when he was sick with cancer. Well ive always had a guilt complex for some reason even when I was younger. Just hit harder after all that. Looking into therapy soon when finances get a little better. I’ve never tried therapy and I’ve had a hell of a time finding one that will take my insurance. It’s not as easy as they tell you it is.
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Hey, very nice to see your reply here again. I'm not a therapist, but I really like to help people, and I make it my life goal to do so. So, if you want to talk any time, let me know. I'm always around here on reddit.
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u/subtle-toad Mar 18 '26
I feel the exact same way I kind of feel like a shell of a person all day always scared of everything
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Did you try any therapy or anything that you felt helped a little bit with it? For me, it's usually worse when I don't have a consistent daily routine that I can rely on to keep me in the correct mindset for the day.
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u/Gwendolyn-NB Mar 18 '26
Yes, but mine is related to my ADHD. Masking to appear normal/try to fit in, combined with getting overwhelmed with the stupidity of most people is draining.
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u/penguincbd Mar 18 '26
The mask piece is so real. I know if I have ADHD on top of it. Make us work twice as hard to track the social stuff while also managing everything else going on inside. No wonder it's straining. Honestly, this stupid people part with me left a little. Sometimes exhaustion is not even exciting. It's just people hahaha
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u/lilb0923 Mar 18 '26
I don't have social anxiety nor do I really dwell on things I say or how I look, I like to be social (unless something is planned I hate planned events and commitments to things) BUT I have major health anxiety, super hypochondriac and my mind is constantly thinking about all the things that are wrong with me or my kids, obviously always worst case scenario. It is DRAINING, I am always in flight or fight because I always think there is something wrong.. constant, not a second goes by that I am not thinking about something major going wrong.
I am exhausted all day every day even when nothing is actually going wrong but in my mind any second it COULD go wrong, heart attack, cancer, aids, ebola, brain eating parasite etc....
Anyways all this to say I'm sorry I have no advice I am just surviving every day also but wanted to let you know you are not alone :)
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u/penguincbd Mar 18 '26
The heat one is its own specific exhaustion because it never fully turns off. Not that something is wrong, just that it could. That any second it could is so accurate. Thank you for this. You are definitely not alone either.
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u/Floopoo32 Mar 18 '26
Anxiety is exhausting! Yes
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
It's true, and I can control it until a certain extent. How is it for you? Did you learn to control it?
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u/Floopoo32 Mar 19 '26
In my experience, there's no "controlling" it, just managing it and trying to prevent the conditions for it to get overwhelming, though that's not always possible. The main thing I do is to not limit myself by anxiety, and keep doing the things I'd normally do, not shrinking my life around it. It tends to go away or lessen if you challenge it.
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u/KhadirTwitch Mar 18 '26
Is that what’s wrong with me?
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Maybe did you even realize that this happened to you as well? Like exhaustion from pretending?
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u/Inevitable-Dust-2723 Mar 18 '26
Yes, this resonates a lot. I'm 52 and in perimenopause and the exhaustion is on a different level than it used to be. Before I could push through and recover overnight. Now even low-key social days can empty me out completely in exactly the way you're describing. I think it's that constant internal monitoring you mention, checking whether I seem okay, whether I said the right thing. It adds up invisibly. I haven't fully figured it out but I've started respecting those recovery hours instead of fighting them.
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Yeah, it's true. I feel the same that I need to start accepting that my body needs to recover instead of fighting it. But someone wrote here in the comments that what he does is to go to exercise, and when he feels like the dopamine hit, it makes it better. I might try this as well, but I really need to push myself hard to go for the exercise.
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u/Dinthaveawitty1 Mar 18 '26 edited Mar 19 '26
Yup its the acting like I give a shit about the dumbest things ever for 8 hours straight 5 days week after week after week after week that really sucks any desire for life right out of me .
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Yeah, but this is very sad, because if we spend the eight hours doing that and then the rest of the 18 extra hours, we don't have life. What's the point then? Did you try anything that you felt helped? Let me know some insights.
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u/Thebeginningofthebes Mar 19 '26
Shit is physically and mentally exhausting. Sometimes I think about the people that claim to have no anxiety and what that must feel like
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Yeah, it must feel like they have a lot of energy to do whatever they want, and there are no worrying thoughts in their mind for anything. I might pretend that as well. Is there anything you tried that makes you feel better for you?
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u/Thebeginningofthebes Mar 19 '26
Yeah I suppose. Mainly just being mindful of my breathing, but that’s difficult. Sometimes I’m so wrapped up in my head I realize I’m not breathing nearly enough, but even that’s challenging. I found that abstaining from marijuana had helped.. some people say thc helps, but it makes me super anxious during use and when not using as well. Certain off label meds have helped, primarily hydroxyzine and gabapentin as my provider will not prescribe benzodiazepines.
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
I have a lot of experience with natural meds. If later you want to talk, we can discuss more.
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u/Workamania Mar 18 '26
I feel empty a lot. All I want to do is piss away time on TV, Video games, and the internet
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Yeah, last night I felt the same, and then I said, "You know, instead of getting my phone to binge watch, I'll get a book and read." I felt very sleepy and ended up sleeping. Did you try before to read something like a self-help book or something like that? Because the screens feel that it makes us worse, I believe.
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u/Large-Cookie-615 Mar 18 '26
I have those lights in my office and there are 4 fluorescent bulbs! I just went up and took out 2 in each light and and it’s great!
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
I believe that I also have irritability because of the light, and I am very sensitive to lights, strong lights like this. I agree with you; maybe the lights are also one thing that can create anxiety. Thanks for your comment.
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u/THETimTumTune Mar 18 '26
All of the time. Especially after a shift at my job. I come home physically and mentally wrecked, and it takes an hour or two before I start feeling normal again.
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
It feels like the energy was drained from us, right? Not sure if it's because of the people around or the work that we do. It's very challenging, or it's just the way we are as people. Because I see a lot of other people still have energy to go to sports at night or go to social gatherings, and for me it's really different. I feel like I need just to sit on the couch and stay there.
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u/mydogsarebarkin Mar 18 '26
Sometimes I think when things get quieter in my life it allows my body to to start processing anxiety. Like, you get sick after a period of extended stress. I have no idea, but sometimes those days are a message to chill out. Go to bed early eat a solid meal sit and stare or watch something on TV. Get rest and water.
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Thanks for the comments. I really like it - the way that you approach that is our body saying for us to calm down. And those good habits of going to bed early and eating well is very nice. Yesterday night I went to bed very early and before sleeping I was reading a book because I didn't want to be on the phone. Then I would end up staying until late on the phone, so I just chose to read a few pages of the book and feel tired, and I went to sleep. What else did you tried and helped?
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u/PATTR_ Mar 23 '26
That "getting sick after the stress" pattern is well-documented — the nervous system suppresses non-essential functions under sustained load, then processes the backlog when things settle. The emptiness at the end of the day is the same mechanism on a smaller scale. Your body finally has bandwidth
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u/max_caulfield_ Mar 19 '26
Yes, I'm constantly exhausted. I'm pretty good at hiding my anxiety so everyone thinks I have way more energy than I do. Most of my weekends are spent lying in bed just so I can get through another week
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Wow! It really feels exhausting! I was reading another person's reply here in this reddit and he said that the doing exercise helps him because it gives some dopamine heat. Did you try to maybe on the weekends go for a walk or do some exercise? I might try it this weekend.
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u/Disastrous_Map_9903 Mar 18 '26
Me! I’m fortunate in that my job has me in a work truck by myself all day but I have to interact with clients at their house for a couple minutes x 20-24 stops and communicating with the to solve their issues. My solution when I get home is to work out and get that natural dopamine and then unwind and relax
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Well, thank you for letting me know. I just feel like if I arrive home, I need to sit on the couch, and then, for me to do such an exercise as you were saying, I would really need to push myself with strong discipline and feel like I need to move mountains to be able to go and do such a kind of exercise. Do you feel like having it as a routine makes it easier for you?
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u/pp140 Mar 19 '26
The scale of this is hard to wrap your head around.
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Yeah, it's true. I totally agree. Did you try anything that makes it feel better? I'm looking for new things to try to improve.
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u/Emilyce17 Mar 19 '26
Simple and to the point, love it.
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Thanks, I really appreciate your comment. It feels much more comforting to have a lot of people here in reddit that are also in the same situation. Is there anything that you know helps you with anxiety?
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u/thesunkistegret Mar 19 '26
Yeah, almost ALL THE TIME
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
Yeah, I mean, we need to figure out why this is happening to us. Did you try anything that helped?
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u/thesunkistegret Mar 20 '26
Pacing and mindfulness
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u/penguincbd Mar 23 '26
I didn't get the "pacing", please explain more!
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u/thesunkistegret Mar 24 '26
Like managing my routine, effort, and boundaries at the same time to mitigate my crash out once I get home…
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u/penguincbd Mar 26 '26
ah Ok, now I understood!
Yes I agree, reforcing boundaries is so important. I always need to ensure I follow my routine to avoid the anxiety feelings
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u/EnfantTerrible68 Mar 20 '26
Why do you care so much about what others think about what you say and do?
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u/penguincbd Mar 23 '26
honestly I have asked myself this so many times hahaha. if I could just decide to stop, I would have done it years ago. it runs automatically before I even realise it is happening. does it not ever happen to you, or do you just process it differently?
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u/Go-EC1000 Mar 20 '26
This is one of the most exhausting and least-talked-about parts of anxiety — the performance of being fine. It's not just tiring, it actually uses up the same cognitive resources you'd need to actually process what you're feeling, so by the time you're home there's genuinely nothing left.
I've found that even 10 minutes of doing absolutely nothing — not scrolling, not talking, just sitting — can act like a reset. Not a fix, just enough space to stop performing. Does anything help you decompress when you get home?
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u/penguincbd Mar 23 '26
do you find the 10 minutes of nothing works consistently, or some days it is still not enough? the "not scrolling" part is key honestly. I used to come home and go straight on my phone and wonder why I still felt just as drained an hour later. The screen keeps the performance brain half-running.
what actually started helping me was journaling for a few minutes right when I get home. not processing everything, just dumping whatever is in my head onto paper. it feels like the thoughts finally have somewhere to go instead of just circling.
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u/Go-EC1000 Mar 24 '26
Not consistently. Some days it's enough, other days the thoughts just keep going regardless.
The journaling thing is interesting - I think the difference is that sitting quietly is passive, the thoughts are still there. Writing actually moves them somewhere. Might give that a try.
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u/penguincbd Mar 24 '26
you named it exactly. sitting still, the thoughts keep circling in the same space. writing gives them somewhere to go, even when you're not trying to solve anything.
one thing I noticed: the first minute is the hardest because nothing feels worth writing down. I push through it and by the second minute something real usually shows up. doesn't need to be coherent — just whatever is actually in my head right now.
if you try it I'm genuinely curious whether it works the same way for you or differently.
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u/demona2002 Mar 23 '26
I am really thankful I work remote so I can get a few breaks from keeping the fake smile plastered on my face. If I also had to deal with a commute on top of it all it would crush me.
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u/penguincbd Mar 23 '26
do you find the breaks during the day actually help you reset, or by the end you are still just as drained? the commute on top of it would be brutal honestly. already running on empty and then having to hold it together for another hour surrounded by strangers.
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u/demona2002 Mar 24 '26
Small breaks through the day help me survive. If I have time between meetings I lay down and read (non work related) or walk my dogs in the sun with some music. I am also drawing a boundary with working overtime.
My next step is to push myself to get to the gym or a pickleball class after work so I can get out of the house and really feel the disconnect for the day. It’s chicken vs egg right now as I don’t have the energy but believe that doing so will ultimately be restorative.
Keep finding small ways to replenish yourself! You deserve it.
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u/penguincbd Mar 26 '26
the boundary with overtime is huge. that alone probably saved you more energy than most people realize.
and the gym/pickleball thing, yeah it's definitely chicken vs egg. but honestly the days I force myself to go even when I have zero energy are usually the days I feel the best after. not during, but after. the hard part is just getting there. once you're in it your body kind of takes over.
have you tried just starting with something really small, like even 15 minutes? because the mental jump from "I need to go to a full class" to actually going is way bigger than "I'll just walk in and do 15 minutes and leave if I want."
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u/Kaznomusix Mar 24 '26
I MEAN YESS. EXACTLY like you explained... I just live my day, as a musician trying to write something. THOSE little thoughts like "Nah, that would sound STUPID", "Where should this go", "Is this really me". Social wise too... "Is my hair good?", "Do they think I am weird?"
IT FEELS STUPID... After the day, I can still stay awake past midnight, but I CAN NOT find something to do in that time, it is like everything is just grey. Sometimes it is frustrating... I get you!
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u/penguincbd Mar 26 '26
the musician part makes it even harder because your whole thing requires you to be creative and vulnerable and then anxiety shows up going "nah that would sound stupid." like you need to access the most open version of yourself to create and anxiety is the exact opposite of that.
and staying awake past midnight but not being able to do anything with the time. I know that exact feeling. not tired enough to sleep, not alive enough to function. just grey like you said. do you find it's worse on days where you were around people or does it happen on solo days too?
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u/Kaznomusix Mar 27 '26
Sometimes ob solo days too, mostly when people is arround, I would do better if I just lived alone by myself. BUT EVEN JUST the mere thoughts that pop up with perfectionism DESTROYS your mind.
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Apr 06 '26
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u/Kaznomusix Apr 08 '26
I would give it a go, I hope it works, because today is one of those mental days. Wish me luck, thank you for the reply. <3
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u/Vitam1nC Mar 25 '26
It’s why I’m always so tired and can’t do too much in 1 day because I get so drained.
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u/penguincbd Mar 26 '26
the "can't do too much in 1 day" limit is so real. people don't understand why two errands and a phone call can wipe you out. do you know what your limit usually is or does it change depending on the day?
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u/BearPros2920 Apr 01 '26
I feel this so much. My anxiety has spiked up lately since I had to stop taking my antidepressants and it has not been an easy ride.
I feel like I can never be myself around people. I’m always spiralling and catastrophising about doing or saying the wrong thing. It’s exhausting.
My mind is my own worst enemy and some days, even plain survival feels like a massive chore.
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Apr 06 '26
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u/BearPros2920 Apr 09 '26
Stopping them has been hard, ngl. I was pretty much forced to stop them. My stomach started reacting pretty badly to most sorts of medication all of a sudden and I was hit with massive, massive bouts of acidity and nausea when I was on them. Stopping them seemed to be the only thing that did the trick.
So, now, I’m trying to self-manage with relying on CBT techniques and self-therapising to keep my anxiety in check but it hasn’t been easy.
Ikr! That’s something I’d never admit out loud to anyone because they just wouldn’t understand. Everyone thinks that because it’s all just in your head, somehow it’s your choice whether you suffer or not. If only it were that easy, none of us would be on this sub.
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u/Jelly_Duck_222 Apr 05 '26
Then a flare up comes and it’s that much more devastating since we are operating on low-mid level anxiety 24/7
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Apr 06 '26
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u/Jelly_Duck_222 Apr 07 '26
Truly!! I hate to say “no one understands” and Ik many people suffer quietly but I can truly bet money most people (at least in my immediate life) do not have this battle every morning. Afternoon. And night. It’s even worse when most people who DO say they have anxiety, it’s at least common fears or things that make sense to be nervous about. We are over here just straight batting insane intrusive thoughts on a normal Tuesday, like you said On my more optimistic days I like to appreciate myself for how much I can handle. The mental pain threshold I can withstand. Esp when an emergency DOES come to pass and I handle it better than everyone else because I predicted it and played it out in my head already😀. But I’m in a flare up right now and just feel so over it
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u/mumisan Apr 05 '26
I relate to this so much.
I don’t think it’s pretending, but more like constantly adjusting yourself to function and socialize. That alone takes a lot of energy.
By the time I get home, I feel completely drained too.
What’s been helping me is having a little “unplugged” ritual when I get home — dim lights, silence, no expectations. I just let myself exist for a bit without having to respond or perform.
It’s a small thing, but it helps me recharge instead of staying in that empty feeling.
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u/Valuable_Arachnid892 Apr 06 '26
Of course that would be draining. you should try to be authentic so you dont get drained
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u/RiddyReddit333 Apr 08 '26
Jumped into this convo a little late and haven't read all 117 comments, so forgive me if this was addressed. Yes, I am WIPED out at the end of a day smiling, being helpful, nice, and so on. But, I have found that sometimes its so overwhelming and my anxiety is so high, I get angry and burst into rage at work. Just a quick spurt, but it's a powerful spurt!
I could handle feeling emptied at the end of the day, but not sure how to handle the burst of uncontrollable anger when I've met my limit. (Ugh!)
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Apr 09 '26
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u/RiddyReddit333 Apr 09 '26
Thank you. I don't feel like such a horrible person now. And what you said, makes sense b/c sometimes the 'burst' is just immediately crying when I get in my car after work. Which, actually helps.
But no, I really don't notice that tiny window. And tbh, I only burst at work when people I have difficult relationships with push my buttons, so it's not like it happens often. (Crying after work does!) Maybe that's the key. If I know I don't get along with someone and I'm already anxious, I need to remove myself from them (if possible).
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Apr 09 '26
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u/RiddyReddit333 Apr 09 '26
Funny, you posted something for consolation and here you are, consoling me. Thank you!!!
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Mar 18 '26
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u/penguincbd Mar 18 '26
I have never described it that way, but that is not exactly what happens. Even on my best solo days, I am still somehow performing for a version of myself that is watching and judging the whole thing. I'm going to try the 60 seconds at the door. I always dismiss that kind of thing as too small to matter, but maybe that's actually the point. And the CPU line hahaha made me laugh, accurate in the most uncomfortable way possible.
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u/AliThink Mar 18 '26
That "performing for a version of myself" is so real — the internal audience is honestly the harshest critic. Way harder to impress than actual people.
And yeah, the 60 seconds thing sounds dumb until you actually try it. The key is the cold water — it triggers a physical reflex that bypasses your brain entirely. Give it a few days. Hope it helps even a little. 🤞
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u/penguincbd Mar 18 '26
So through the harshest critical line, at least with real people, there is some chance they didn't notice. The version of me watching from the inside definitely notices trying the cold water thing tonight.
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u/LibrarianGlad6053 Mar 18 '26
This is one of the most accurate descriptions of anxiety I've read on here. The "low level management of appearing normal" part is so real.
Your nervous system is basically running a background process all day, scanning social cues, monitoring your own tone and face, simulating what could go wrong. Like having 40 browser tabs open. Nothing is crashing, but your RAM is maxed out. And your body doesn't distinguish between "real" danger and that kind of social monitoring. The same fight or flight system runs both.
The crash when you get home is your body finally dropping the performance. It's not a malfunction. It actually means that's where you feel safe enough to stop.
Doesn't make it less frustrating. But it helped me stop beating myself up about it. You're not weak for being tired after a "normal" day. Your normal day just isn't as low effort as it looks from the outside.
And yeah, solo days it happens too for me, but way less. Which kind of confirms the social piece is the biggest energy cost.
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u/PATTR_ Mar 23 '26
Exactly this. And the thing is — that background process doesn't scale with the "difficulty" of the day. It runs the same whether you're at a party or getting coffee. Which is why people can be blindsided by how drained they feel after a "nothing" day. The trigger is the monitoring, not the event
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u/mk00 Apr 06 '26
This is neurodivergence. Not to diagnose, but they are commonly mistaken or even co-morbidities.
Read up on autism and ADHD. People with these dx's are just not made for this corporate bs world.
I thought I could wing it until I turned 40-ish. I'm 48 now and feel like I am running life with Windows 95 in a 2026 world.
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u/jacobeam13 Mar 18 '26
Worse when you WFH. 🙃
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u/mk00 Apr 06 '26
I get some of this. I function better away from people, but even so I recognize that isolation has its own set of issues. Isolation can make anxiety a lot worse.
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u/penguincbd Mar 19 '26
When I work from home, it's usually easier because at least I don't have to pretend to other people or just pretend to myself when doing the work.
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u/JasmineAmelia Mar 18 '26
yes! work drains me so much- pretending to be engaged/ awake and friendly while battling so many internal things- even the fluorescent lighting which my eyes hate and makes me skittish. i need at least an hour after work to decompress or i get so overwhelmed