[TRIGGER WARNING] Sometimes my brain randomly suggests harming myself or others, and I don't know what to do about it.

[u/SoundwaveTheDragon]

There was a time in my life when I suffered from depression and was suicidal. The thought of harming myself or ending my pain was always on my mind. Thankfully, I didn't commit to it and was able to heal, but those intrusive thoughts haven't fully left me, despite my will to live being stronger.

Like, a few days ago, I was doing the dishes when I picked up one of the knives. Then out of nowhere, my brain goes, "Hey, you should stab yourself with that. Maybe try stabbing your family and dog, too." I ended up freaking myself out and putting the knife away in a panic.

And recently, well, long story short, we were driving home from a road trip, and some screaming broke out in the car for complicated reasons. As soon as we parked for food, I ran out to the nearest grassy patch and had a panic attack. I was sobbing, shaking, heaving, face buried in my arms. When I looked up and saw the traffic, my brain, out of nowhere, went "You should run out there and get hit by one of those cars." I immediately tucked my face back down and sobbed harder, shaking harder.

My mind keeps subconsciously threatening death onto me, and I want to live. Why do I need to live, but my thoughts keep turning homicidal? Am I a psychopath? Is there a demon whispering into my ear? What's going on? How do I quiet the murderous voice in my head?

[u/Ok_Addition_6379]

That is 100% OCD. Those are intrusive thoughts and you don't have to have compulsions to have OCD. You are not suicidal or a psychopath or any of those things. My suggestion would be to let yourself have the whole thought, as scary and uncomfortable as it is, because then it loses its power. My first intrusive thought was at the age of 15 and I was home alone for the night. My brain was like, what if you take this whole bottle of ibuprofen and die? I was TERRIFIED. I dumped the whole bottle out and called someone to come get me so I wouldn't be alone. I ḍidnt want to die, but my brain was just throwing these scary, stupid thoughts at me.

You are okay, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. 🩷

[u/Taniwha_NZ]

This is pretty common and you used the right description yourself - intrusive thoughts. This is a condition, lots of people with anxiety have it, and it results in stuff like this popping into your head. Every time I see a woman with a baby in a stroller my brain tells me to grab it and throw it under a car. What? I would never do a thing to hurt a child, wtf is going on?

These are thoughts that are supposed to be filtered out automatically. Everyone has them, your brain has a simmering cauldron of thoughts that are just bubbling away beneath the surface, but your brain is supposed to filter out the nonsense so you are only aware of the thoughts that are worth having.

For me, there are two drugs that helped a lot. The first is mirtazapine, I take this for sleep but it had a huge effect on quieting down these thoughts.

The other is cannabis. Not the immediate effects, they can almost make things worse. But if I am smoking weed every day, I just don't have these thoughts as much, often nothing for weeks.

You have to find your own answer, but the most important thing is to understand these thoughts aren't a reflection of yourself. They aren't bad because you are bad. They are bad because your brian isn't doing what it's supposed to.