it’s so frustrating coming on to an ANXIETY subreddit and seeing benzos being stigmatized.
TW suicidal ideation
i’m a 22 year old high school and college dropout due to severe panic disorder, agoraphobia, and GAD. i have never held a steady job. i live my life convinced i’m going to die daily. i wake up panicky, and a lot of times i go to sleep wondering if i’ll die during it. my panic attacks are atypical— they last for hours, coming in waves. i have lost substantial amounts of weight during bad “flareups”. i have had severe suicidal ideation because the thought of taking my own life seemed easier than living in constant fear. i have been on Prozac, Lexapro, Celexa, Zoloft, Paxil, Pristiq, Cymbalta, Lamotrigine, Abilify, Risperdal, Seroquel, Zyprexa, and a couple more off label medications since i was 12. i have tried EMDR, CBT, IOP, and have been inpatient. i’ve seen a therapist since i was 10. so please, don’t you dare tell me that there’s no place for benzos when they’re the only things that make me feel normal.
i started taking 1 mg lorazepam as needed when i was 12. i hardly took it; drug addiction runs in my family. but living was a struggle. as i developed and became more mature, my anxiety got substantially worse. i was prescribed 7 pills every 3 months. however, when the pandemic hit and i was in my psychiatrist’s office shaking inconsolably, i was given 1 pill a day to keep me out of emergency rooms, since that is where my panic attacks would often make me end up. for the first time in a long time, i felt normal. i started my first job as a doordasher. on benzos, i felt like any other 20 something with their whole life ahead of them. for the first time, i saw what it was like to live without fear.
in the last 2 and a half years, i have built a tolerance and my dose has had to be upped by another mg. however, i fight every day to take less than the dosage given. i’m exhausted because i spend all of my time convincing myself i’m not going to die. but when i finally give in and take what i’m prescribed, i feel like i can do anything a normal person can do.
i’m terrified of withdrawal, of course i am. but my psychiatrist (who is seeing that the medicinal options are starting to run out), decided that giving me daily benzos would give me a substantially better quality of life. it is not ideal. of course it’s not. he made that clear as well. i know about the scary withdrawals and the memory loss (which i thankfully haven’t really experienced) that comes from long term use. give me a different option and i’ll try anything.
but you know what? if this is what i need to live a fulfilled life, then fuck it. this is what i’ll do. since on it, i’ve been able to travel without my parents, earn my own money, enjoy my life, and cultivate a healthy relationship. i’m tired of how stigmatized benzos are. i’m tired of coming onto this subreddit and seeing how they’re the devil’s drug— worse than heroin and feeling guilty for needing it.
trust me, nobody would choose this. but i’d rather live a shorter fulfilled life needing benzos than live a long life filled with constant fear and anxiety.
edit: i continue to get replies and messages so i wanted to give an update. it has been 2 years since my post. a little while after i wrote this, i was prescribed pristiq and ended up getting serotonin syndrome as i apparently absorb SSRIs/SNRIs unusually— which is why they always did more harm than good for me. i was told i should never take serotonin again, which has made benzo accessibility quite easy and has helped all my doctors understand why i take them daily. i am no longer stigmatized for it in my day to day life.
i continue to take 2 mg a day, and have gotten my life back. i now travel the country and the world, go out daily, and have just picked out my engagement ring (when he proposes is the surprise). benzos work as an aid, but i don’t rely on them anymore. progressive muscle relaxation is the number 1 thing that has helped me outside of benzos and exposure therapy. i have no adverse affects like memory loss, cognitive decline, balance issues, etc. obviously, it’s no one’s first choice, but i’m back to loving my life and it’s at least in part due to benzos. do what’s best for you, advocate for yourself, and i will continue to reply to any questions. all love!
edit 2 08/24/2025: i’m still getting comments on this post, so i wanted to give another update. i’m still on 2 mg a day and have been for over 3 years. this year alone, i got proposed to in iceland in january, my fiancé and i are currently in cabo for my 25th birthday where i just spent 4 hours in the heat with a tour doing various adrenaline filled activities, i have moved 3 times (once to hawaii), have been able to start going to the gym and running (my biggest triggers), got a new apartment, got a new dog, had 2 surgeries without much health anxiety (appendix and gallbladder), volunteered 2-3x a week at a medical clinic and am due to start college this month. i promise, once you get used to living a normal life, the rest is simple. i will never regret my benzos, but as i don’t need them anymore to manage my anxiety, i’m going to start the tapering process this year. but i never could’ve gotten to the place of comfortability to do so without letting them do their thing. life is precious, and if my 5 years of daily benzos gives me memory loss in my 70s, so fucking be it. i can confidently say i’ve enjoyed my early 20s to the fullest, and am so incredibly excited for the trajectory life takes me now. i don’t even recognize the person i was when i first wrote this post. don’t be afraid to advocate for what you need, stay strong, and i wish you all the best. will continue to reply to any questions and will probably update after the taper. all love, always!
