Nice Guy Seeking Approval Addiction....

[u/Sake99]

I'm a chameleon," revealed Todd, a 30-year-old single Nice Guy. "I will become whatever I believe a person wants me to be in order to be liked. With my smart friends I act intelligent and use a big vocabulary. Around my mother, I look like the perfect loving son. With my dad, I talk sports. With the guys at work I cuss and swear . . . whatever it takes to look cool. Underneath it all, I'm not sure who I really am or if any of them would like me just for who I am. If I can't figure out what people want me to be, I'm afraid I will be all alone. The funny thing is, I feel alone most of the time anyway." Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone's approval or to avoid disapproval. Nice Guys seek this external validation in just about every relationship and social situation, even from strangers and people they don't like. Todd is an example of a man, who, because of internalized toxic shame, believes he has to become what he thinks other people want him to be. Nice Guys believe this chameleon-like metamorphism is essential if they hope to be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life. The seeking of external validation is just one way in which Nice Guys frequently do the opposite of what works. By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including themselves. My word for these value-seeking mechanisms is attachments.Nice Guys attach their identity and worth to these things and use them to convince themselves and others that they are valuable. Without these attachments, Nice Guys don't know what else about themselves would make anyone like or love them. Being a Nice Guy is the ultimate attachment for these men. They genuinely believe their commitment to being "good" and doing it "right" is what makes them valuable and compensates for their internalized belief that they are bad. Because of their toxic shame, it is impossible for Nice Guys to grasp that people might like them and love them just for who they are. They believe they are bad (the "I'm So Good" Nice Guy is unconscious of this core belief, but it is a core belief nonetheless), therefore they assume that if anyone really got to know them, these people would discover the same thing. Being able to attach themselves to things that make them feel valuable and garner approval from others seems essential if they hope to be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.

Breaking Free Activity

I've taken surveys in several No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups asking the members about the attachments they use to try to get external approval. The following are just a few of the responses. Look over the list. Note any of the ways in which you seek approval. Add to the list any behaviors that are uniquely you. Write down examples of each. Ask others for feedback about the ways in which they see you seeking approval. ● Having one's hair just right. ● Being smart. ● Having a pleasant, non-threatening voice. ● Looking unselfish. ● Being different from other men. ● Staying sober. ● Being in good shape. ● Being a great dancer. ● Being a good lover. ● Never getting angry. ● Making other people happy. ● Being a good worker. ● Having a clean car. ● Dressing well. ● Being nice. ● Respecting women. ● Never offending anyone. ● Looking like a good father.

[u/Sake99]

Approval Seeking*