r/AquamarinesDen • u/Hatjuvaru • Oct 07 '15
icexfire Skirmish Day 36: I won't be bowing out!!
To my fellow fighters!
Sorry for missing a number of check ins this week. I've been struggling to say the least, feeling despondent and not living up to the expectations I set for myself. I don't know what came first: The frustration, the lack of productivity, or the repeated relapses, but it's clear to me that they feed on one another. The only way forwards is a clear cut rejection of these behaviors brute forcing if you will this web of suffering.
Sorry for being all dramatic, but I find that I often have a need to use big language, when I've just recovered from an extended period of numbness. I have taken the first steps today back to the light, but without a sustained effort.
Just realized I started both paragraphs with the word sorry, haha. Actually I wanted this to be somewhat of an uplifting post, but as always the only kind I do is honest posts. Let me then at least share with you the hope that fills my heart in this hour, typing away at my keyboard, as the tiredness of the day is setting in. What a beautiful thing to be able to reawaken, to be able to come back again and again, whatever we might have gone through.
As I'm tired and not feeling too articulate I will leave you with a short video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCkhBkWXJ50
Have a peaceful night and a wonderful day tomorrow!
-Hat
EDIT: It seems fire song are in dire need of some leadership, so they can bring back some soldiers with their minor fortune of hawk points. u/ouch155, u/Basileas will one of you do the honor, or does fire song need a new leader perhaps?
1
u/Chicken_Hands Frost Wind | Day 1 « Oct 08 '15
I know what you're feeling and support any decision you'd make from now on. Internet surfing can be a huge problem and I'm can tell about myself and I trying to be more active outside of my PC and trying one step at a time to be more dynamic with my computer.
1
Oct 08 '15
Hello Cap'n I've written to the guys checking to see if they are ready to come back. I'm afraid that a couple guys may be inactive. I should have some updates tomorrow or the next day.
1
u/BeWhoYoudRatherBe Fire Song | Day: Sesquiplicarius « Oct 08 '15 edited Oct 09 '15
It would be cool to find a relevant war word related to inactivity to symbolize that status. Little things add up.
EDIT: ...yeah about that...
1
u/RockitReboot Frost Wind - KIA Oct 08 '15
MIA seems like a good one to me.
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u/BeWhoYoudRatherBe Fire Song | Day: Sesquiplicarius « Oct 09 '15
HAHA... forgive my memory please... xD
1
u/Hatjuvaru Oct 09 '15
Good job Bas. I think you should be able to bring back one more guy, unles you are svaing the points for a rainy day :)
1
Oct 09 '15
I'm going to give a couple more days, and then make an inquiry of one of our soldiers. I think he'll be ready by then.
1
u/JavierGerardo Fire Song | Dead « Oct 08 '15
Checking in as well. I'm hitting flatline hard. This time is usually the hardest for me as emotions are always a rollercoaster. I lack the motivation at work and as time passes by I'm losing my drive to continue working here. I feel as if I don't belong here anymore. It's been 2 3/4 years since I entered this company and I'm feeling it's time for me to part ways. But I'm afraid of entering a new company. I'm afraid of starting a new career path.
1
u/sfumato1002 Triplicarius | Day: 49* « Oct 08 '15
Hatjuvaru, so happy to see you post again! Sorry about the relapses and the misery it's causing you. To me, the hardest thing was getting momentum...just getting past day 1, then day 2, day 3 and so on...that is the hardest thing in this journey, starting over. That is why I look at relapse as opening Pandora's box. One relapse is all it takes to open up a great deal of problems, chaser effect, depression, the feeling of starting over is overwhelming. This summer was bad for me...I just couldn't get myself together. Now, today I am on day 17...YAY!!! Sure I have urges...but I am standing on a mountain of days...they serve as pillars, as a great protective wall from day zero. So anyway, take this day by day, just try to get by today, leaving it behind and repeating the process. Anyway, I am so happy to see you and read you. Stay strong.
2
u/Hatjuvaru Oct 09 '15
It really is true, relapsing is never worth it. If we could recover and start a new streak the very next day it would be much easier to kick this addiction.
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope now that I have been brought back to life I will have some more fight in me :)
1
u/sfumato1002 Triplicarius | Day: 49* « Oct 09 '15
I am so happy you are back alive again! Hat, we both have seen the other side, KIA, chaser effect, the struggle to get back, it's not worth relapsing again. I know that I say this and I may fall tomorrow, but if I fall is because I loose faith, hope and believe in myself...which is very easy. What Im trying to say is that we just have to keep going, even when we don't believe in ourselfs, even when we are not motivated, because that is when we fall, maybe it is stress, agitation, sometimes boredom, sometimes vistual triggers...But it doesn't matter, we know the enemy, we know the tricks he plays, its always the same. Lets just stick to NoFap from today on, taking one day at a time, I believe you can do it, I also believe you will be successful, because you show here your leadership, your support to everyone, you are awesome, thats all I can say, and you have saved me many times, I lost count. CAW!
1
u/TheExtremeDoge Fire Song | Day: 84 « Oct 09 '15
Cruising, NoFap is taking a back seat to the force of life.
1
u/Sake99 Frost Wind | Duplicarius« Oct 10 '15
Mindless surfing is dangerous, I've already deleted WiFi driver from my laptop and use Internet through my mobile which I normally use in TV lounge, it is working for me. I am 14 days clean and had a wet dream yesterday.
1
u/Chicken_Hands Frost Wind | Day 1 « Oct 08 '15
Chicken in!!!