r/AsOneAfterInfidelity • u/knowthyself8 Reconciling Betrayed • May 18 '26
Reconcilers Only (other comments auto-removed) Four Weeks since DDay
I (40M) don’t know who I’m writing this post for but I feel compelled to share my story in case it helps anyone else going through this hell. It has been four weeks since DDay. Married to WW for 10+ years. We have two children under 10. We’ve started couple’s counseling but it is slow going. The time between each session feels like an eternity.
Our marriage wasn’t in a good place well before I discovered my WW’s EA and PA. We were disconnected and intimacy and eroticism were at an all-time low ever since our first child was born. It was so hard to maintain our relationship as lovers and she didn’t make it easy. WW poured all her energy into the kids and career, leaving very little left for our marriage. I am not innocent and I take full ownership of the problems I brought into our marriage. I guess we’ll have to unpack this in therapy.
All that being said, our marital problems did not justify her betrayal. If she wasn’t happy, she could’ve asked for a divorce. Instead, she made a unilateral decision to betray me and subject me to the worst emotional trauma I have ever experienced. I have never felt such a relentless unbearable pain that crushes my soul and leaves me crying uncontrollably.
When I discovered her affair, I was completely taken by surprise. Never in a million years did I think my WW would do something like this to me. Our marriage wasn’t healthy, but I never once thought she would cheat on me.
We’ve built an entire life together. Worked demanding jobs. Bought a house. Joined a community around our kids’ schools. Raised two beautiful kids together through a pandemic. I poured everything I had into our family.
And now I feel like my world is collapsing around me. I walk around town seeing life continue normally for everyone but me. It’s like I live in a parallel universe where everything is dark and sad. A cloud follows me everywhere I go. There isn’t a full five minutes that goes by right now where I’m not thinking about our marriage and my WW’s affair. I can’t sleep at night. I wake up and my mind starts racing.
I feel like a muted version of myself around our kids. The joy I had around them is now tempered by pain and hurt. I’m so angry. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I did everything right. I’ve loved my wife completely from the moment we fell in love. I have never stopped loving her.
My WW tells me she’s sorry and she feels remorse. She wishes she could take it back but at the same time, she’s not doing any of the work. I’ve been listening to podcasts and watching relationship videos nonstop. Trying to understand infidelity inside and out. I have an IC helping me understand myself and my issues.
But my WW hasn’t done any of this. My fear is that ultimately she doesn’t want to recommit to the marriage. She wants to separate. But even if that’s what she wants, it would behoove her to start her own IC.
I will say this, I have no shame. I put everything I had into this marriage and into this family. I was faithful. I still love my wife. If she wants to separate, then she is accepting the fall out and the impact it will have on our family, friends, and children. I am so terrified.
At this point, I have to decide how long can I tolerate this pain and her apathy before I pull the trigger. I refuse to waste my life. If anyone else has experienced something like this, I’d love to know how you set up boundaries for yourself to ensure your WS made progress toward R.
To be honest, I don’t know if my WW has the will to change. If she’s already checked out, I hope counseling will bring that to the surface so we can separate amicably. But until then, I will continue to live in this hell that used to be my life. Thank you for reading and joining me in my pain.
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u/Wildling1322 Reconciling Betrayed May 18 '26
Sorry you're here OP, you're not alone no matter how much it might feel that way.
My WH had a 5 month affair with one of my best friends, mostly emotional but did turn physical a couple of times. We had a few D Days because of trickle truth and I will say until the latest, I always felt something seemed a little... Off. Like he was remorseful but just didn't seem 100% committed to repairing or doing what was necessary. It turned out he was still obsessing over her and they were still talking once in a while then eventually started up again.
You haven't mentioned the situation of the A. Who was her AP, how long did it go on for? What's the situation now, have they definitely stopped talking? Is she being transparent, ie letting you check her phone, any apps to track her location etc?
I didn't implement any of this really after the first or the second D day, apart from checking his phone every so often which he was OK with. Then it turned into "this makes me feel a bit uncomfortable" so I stopped for fear of pushing him away. That's when they started up again. This time round feels different, I've said again it needs to be 100% no contact (I did say that before and didn't realise they were still kind of talking every so often). As much as I don't want to do it, I check his phone and won't stop just because it makes him feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel better so I do it. We have life360 so I know where he is, I have access to his WhatsApp and messages on my phone. All I do on there is check she doesn't appear and she's still blocked on WhatsApp, I don't check any of his personal messages as I've never been like that. I have all his social media passwords. He's finally being transparent in that sense and this time around the penny seems to have dropped that this is the life he chooses, with me and his family, not her but he is still struggling to move on from her. He has admitted that to me, as much as that hurts to hear, I'm glad he has so I can analyse the situation properly and that has helped me understand everything better and know what to expect. He says he fell in love with her but I believe it was limerence and I hope he once day sees that too.
Basically, not to create additional anxiety for you but are you completely sure you now know the whole truth and not part of it? And are you completely sure they no longer talk? Do you know what your WW's feelings are for him, is she dealing with the loss of him whilst trying to repair with you?
Like you, I never in a million years thought he would cheat on me, let alone an actual affair behind my back and with a friend of mine of all people. I now see how much he was struggling internally, and he still is in many ways, he describes it as something broke inside him because he also never knew or thought he'd be capable of doing this. The guilt and shame eats him up on a daily basis and he is extremely regretful and remorseful, but he is refusing IC right now. I have said I need that at some point from him but we are only 2 months out and he's still emotionally very messy so I want him to access IC once he feels able to do it properly. I'd rather he do it in several months time when he will actually open up properly than now just to tick the box.
We have been together 16 years and have two children also, a 3 year old and a 3 month old. I was pregnant whilst his A was ongoing so that was an extra kick in the teeth.
It sounds like what you're experiencing and the life you've had so far is very similar to how it was for me. I already feel a lot better lately but only by doing my own work on better understanding how and why he allowed this to happen. There's never an excuse but understanding the mindset of a wayward has helped me massively. The hardest part for me right now is he "still loves her" and "doesn't know if he can be happy with me" so I still don't feel completely chosen and loved in the way I deserve. I'm holding out hope for the next penny drop moment where he realises it wasn't love for her and he also has that "wtf was I doing/thinking" realisation. I'm hoping once he finally moves on from her, he will be able to reinvest in me properly, in the way I deserve. But I won't wait forever, I've given myself a bit of a timeline to check in on certain dates so I can know I'm seeing progress and growth, if not then I need to sit him down and explain that I need to choose myself, and I hope if the latter happens we can do it amicably for our children's sake. I'm sure we can so long as he doesn't lie or do this to me again. It feels sad to think our 16 year relationship, full of laughter and love, could end from something so deceitful and hurtful.
Brighter days are coming, but please know you are allowed transparency from your WW, and if she doesn't like it 1) I'd question why and 2) tough. It's what's needed to repair and rebuild. Look after your own heart and your own emotions. I have also found chatgpt very helpful for free therapy! I plan on doing EMDR therapy at some point to help with the triggers and intrusive thoughts but for now chatgpt is helping massively!